Author's note: This is something random I wrote last weekend when I needed some distraction. Don't expect anything too serious; this is mostly just humorous (or meant to be anyways; I suck at humour sometimes, sorry)

Warnings: Various pov; implied/established slash; crude language (therefore the rating to be safe); set in canon verse; meant to be funny; Tsunade is done with everyone's stupidity; also Neji is alive because fuck canon

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I just have an unhealthy obsession with it. Kishimoto owns it.

I hope you'll like my attempt at being funny!

Of Course They Aren't Dating … Right?


"Say, you ever wondered whether those two are dating?" Shikamaru asked apprehensively, pausing near Ichiraku's ramen shop where he could see Naruto and Uchiha sitting next to each other.

It was quite a familiar sight nowadays whenever Uchiha visited the village, momentarily halting whatever journey he had gone on two years ago. The moment he set foot in the village, Naruto would pop up and drag him to the ramen stand.

Just as familiar was the sight currently occurring, in which Naruto was trying to convince Uchiha to let him have one more bowl. Considering there were currently already five empty bowls – the largest size! – stacked up in an unsteady tower next to the blond man, Shikamaru could understand Uchiha's apprehension in letting him have another one. Honestly, it was a miracle Naruto hadn't somehow turned out to have Chouji's posture, with how much he could eat ramen.

"Why the hell would I wonder about that?" Kiba snorted, linking his hands behind his head. Akamaru snorted in response next to him. "Of course they aren't dating, where do you get that bullshit?"

As Shikamaru watched, Naruto slung his arms around Uchiha's shoulders, pressing himself tightly against him, continuing to whine about having another bowl. When that didn't do anything to convince the dark haired man, Naruto sank down on his knees on the floor and clasped his hands together in a pleading gesture, burying his face into the side of Uchiha's thigh. That had to be the most unusual way to beg someone for food, but Naruto made it look easy, as if he did this all the time, which Shikamaru was certain he did not.

At least he didn't whenever he dragged one of them to the ramen stand and tried to convince them to let him have one more bowl. Usually being firm led to the blond man pouting for a bit, before acquiescing. He definitely never went as far as sinking down to his knees in order to beg for one more bowl.

From his position, Shikamaru could see Uchiha rolling his eyes, could almost audibly hear him huff in annoyance, before he flicked a finger against Naruto's forehead and said something. Whatever he said, had Naruto's head shooting up and a wide grin unfolding across his face before he clambered back onto his chair and nearly tackled Uchiha off his with his hug.

That had Uchiha trying to push him away at first, snapping something at him, before he gave up and let Naruto hug him.

"I don't know," Shikamaru said slowly. "Just something about the way they act around each other made me start thinking."

"Yeah well, start thinking about something else," Kiba scoffed. "Don't know about Uchiha, but Naruto is as straight as they come. You do remember that this is the same guy who invented the Sexy-no-Jutsu, right?"

Shikamaru wanted to point out that transforming yourself into a girl wasn't exactly something many straight people would do, but just sighed instead, giving up. Whatever, it was too troublesome to keep thinking about this.


Curiously, Sai watched how Naruto ignored several free seats and instead made a beeline for Sasuke, who looked like he was about to murder all of them, in spite of the fact that he sat the furthest removed from everyone at the party. Naruto even ignored Karin, one of Sasuke's old teammates, when she reached out to him, trying to pull him next to her.

The party was meant to celebrate the end of the war, marking it three years since they had fought Madara, but to call it a big party was perhaps being too optimistic. Sure, all their friends were here – though Sai suspected Sasuke had been dragged along by Naruto, and his old teammates had merely followed because there was the promise of booze – but it was more of a private gathering, an excuse to let go for once and drink themselves silly.

Kakashi had shown up briefly, but as Hokage, he couldn't exactly get drunk and he had mournfully left the party an hour ago, bemoaning the many documents he still needed to sign.

Nursing his own drink – just some apple juice, he had no interest in becoming drunk – Sai looked on bemused how Naruto simply plopped down on Sasuke's lap, leaning into his chest. He held out a small cup to the dark haired man, but the latter simply shook his head and Naruto shrugged, drinking it at once before starting on his own glass.

By now, remembering the few details he did know about Sasuke, Sai expected him to dump Naruto onto the floor, as the dark haired man wasn't exactly fond of people breaching his personal space. Yet he didn't, to Sai's growing confusion, merely wrapped his arm around Naruto's waist and that was that.

That was an interesting development, just as interesting as the fact that Sasuke had shown up at the party to start with and moreover even stayed, even though it was more than clear that this wasn't exactly his type of setting. Why would he be willing to do that? Sure, Naruto loved to proclaim that he and Sasuke were best friends, and best friends did do a lot for each other Sai's books informed him, but he didn't feel like that was the case here.

So what else could it be then, if this wasn't simply one best friend doing the other one a favour?

The answer popped up in his head like a lightbulb flashing to life and he tilted his head to the left, considering the two men in the corner thoughtfully as he tried to find out whether the answer could be possible. Did best friends sit down on each other's lap? It wasn't that unheard of, he supposed, but why do that when there were multiple seats available? Naruto could have easily picked up a chair and put it down next to Sasuke if he wanted to sit with him. There was no need for him to occupy Sasuke's lap when there were at least six empty seats surrounding them.

The lap sitting could only mean one thing then, but to confirm his suspicions, he would need a second opinion.

His second opinion arrived in the form of Sakura, who was nursing some ugly bright blue monstrosity that was supposed to be something alcoholic, but smelt overly sweet like the sweets shop down the road.

"Enjoying the party a bit?" she inquired friendly, halting next to him. Instead of her usual hospital uniform, she was now dressed in a sparkly white tank top and a deep pink, almost purple, skirt which stopped midthigh. She had chosen to wear black heels for tonight, forgoing her usual footwear, and the heels added an inch to her height.

"It's okay," he answered honestly. He would never be a big party goer; he simply went because it was nice to see everyone relaxed for once. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," she said good-humouredly, waving at Tenten who was coaxing a fiercely blushing Hinata onto the dancefloor – which was basically just a large empty spot in the middle of the room with some spotlights aimed at it.

"Do you think Naruto-kun and Sasuke-san are dating each other?" he asked frankly at the same time she drank from her glass.

At hearing his question, she instantly choked in her drink and actually went as far as spitting it out, the blue liquid catching the lights for a moment before it splashed all across the floor.

"That's going to leave a stain most likely," he observed.

She ignored him, whirling around to face him with wide eyes. "What do you mean, they're dating each other?!" she spluttered shocked.

He blinked, wondering if she had consumed that much alcohol already that her ears were failing her. "I didn't say that, I merely asked whether they're dating."

"Why would you ask that?" she demanded aghast, wiping her mouth.

He nodded at the duo in question, Naruto still happily seated on Sasuke's lap, talking and laughing with Rock Lee, who was gesturing wildly. "I was wondering why else Naruto-kun would be sitting on Sasuke-san's lap. All my books mention that that is a posture mainly done between couples. Certainly, between friends it occurs as well, but mostly when there aren't any free seats available, which is definitely the case here." He gestured at the empty chairs in question.

She snorted and shook her head, patting his arm. "Don't startle me like that. No, of course they aren't dating." She rolled her eyes and scoffed as if the mere mention of it was ridiculous.

"Then why are they sitting like - "

"Because Naruto has zero respect for anyone's personal space, least of all Sasuke-kun's," she answered dryly. "He's been hanging around Sasuke-kun's neck since almost day one; this isn't any different."

Personally, Sai thought there was quite a big difference between embracing someone around the neck and actually sitting down on their lap, but well, perhaps his knowledge about social rules still needed to be improved.


"You ever think that something else might be going on between Sasuke-kun and Naruto?" Ino asked contemplatively, stroking a blonde lock behind her ear.

"Like what?" Neji raised an eyebrow, sitting down next to her.

It looked like he was done sparring for today, because he ignored Rock Lee's excited yell for one more round, and started drying the sweat off his face with a towel he'd brought.

She'd been walking home from the flower shop when she'd seen the two sparring and had decided to sit in, because it was always interesting to see a natural genius like Neji sparring against Rock Lee, who had had to fight and train hard to reach where he was today.

"I don't know," she mumbled, raising her knees so she could wrap her arms around them. "I saw them the other day, shopping for groceries of all things."

She shook her head, still a bit in disbelief about it. Sure, she knew they had to eat – freakishly strong as they were, they were still human after all and humans needed to eat – but she had never expected to see them doing grocery shopping together. They had looked so mundane, even as they had been arguing about whether or not Naruto really should buy that limited edition flavour of ramen, yet so domestic at the same time as if they had been doing this for a while, that unbiddenly she had starting to wonder whether something had changed between the two of them.

"I didn't realise shopping for food made one a couple," Neji commented dryly.

"I know it doesn't," she huffed and slapped his arm. "But they looked disgustingly domestic while doing it, like they do that shit all the time. Just got me thinking, that's all. I mean, they are together a lot, don't you think?"

"I saw them kissing a few weeks ago, ah to enjoy so much youth!" Rock Lee exclaimed, bounding up to them.

"What do you mean, you saw them kissing?" she asked shocked, shooting up right.

Even Neji looked surprised, lowering his towel.

"Sasuke-kun had bought some ramen from Ichiraku's for Naruto-kun and I saw him kiss Sasuke-kun on the cheek," Rock Lee answered promptly, pressing his hands against his left cheek. "Ah, to be so in love!"

"I thought you meant they had been kissing each other on the lips, actual kissing," she groaned, slumping down against the rock. "Don't scare me like that! There's nothing special about that kiss, that was just meant to thank Sasuke-kun."

"True, Naruto-kun is quite affectionate," Neji said thoughtfully. "I think I even saw him kissing the Kazekage on the cheek once when the latter came to visit him."

"And why the hell did you find it necessary to kiss him, hm?"

All three of them jumped nearly three feet in the air in fright at the cold voice piping up behind them and when they whirled around, they spotted Sasuke barely a few feet away from them, a steadily reddening Naruto next to him.

Sasuke's entire focus was aimed solely at Naruto, not even sparing the other three a glance.

"Don't make it sound like I made out with him, damn," Naruto laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "It was just a little kiss on the cheek because he brought me a super limited edition flavour of ramen that they didn't even stock here. That's all that it was!"

"So for a limited edition flavour of ramen, you kiss other men?" Sasuke asked icily.

"I didn't kiss him, bastard! It was a damn kiss on the cheek!" Naruto exclaimed, waving his arms madly through the air. "Why are you making such a big deal about this? Is this because it's Gaara? It's because it's Gaara, right?" he accused him.

Sasuke merely glared at him, grunted and then started walking away, Naruto chasing after him. "Stop being such a jealous bastard and talk to me! Nothing is going on between me and Gaara and you damn well know that! What if I got jealous every time Karin kissed your cheek, huh?!"

"What just happened?" Neji questioned blankly as both men disappeared as quickly as they had appeared.

"I have no idea," Ino answered faintly and even Rock Lee was too stumped to say anything.

What had happened?


"Have you heard the rumours?"

Tsunade paused in her review of the next patient's file and looked up. Kakashi stood in the doorway of her office, his Hokage hat nowhere to be seen though he was still dressed in the official robes.

Leaning back in her chair, she questioned, "Is there another war about to start and do you need my healing abilities? Otherwise I'm not interested and you can leave me alone; I already have enough patients to see without being bothered about rumours."

"I bet you're the topic of the rumour mill at the hospital often," he teased, before growing solemn again and walking over to her. "No, no war as far as I know. I can do without another one, thank you. No, I'm talking about the rumours regarding Naruto and Sasuke."

"The brat and Uchiha?" She frowned, crossing her arms. "What about them?"

"Apparently they're a couple, though they haven't denied nor confirmed anything of that sorts. Mostly because I doubt anyone has asked them yet," he added thoughtfully.

"And where do these rumours come from then?"

"People seeing them out and about." He shrugged. "Some think they look more like a couple than just best friends."

"How about you ask them about it, if you're so curious," she said annoyed, not understanding why people were so interested in the brat's love life. So what if they were a couple? Good for them, that wasn't any of her business.

He shuddered and pulled a face, visible even through his mask. "Oh god no, I love my life too much for that. Like Sasuke is really going to answer me."

"Well then, you'll be forever left in the dark then," she said mercilessly and kicked him out when he kept whining.

Honestly, sometimes she wondered whether she really should have stepped down as the Hokage. If this was what Kakashi kept busy with nowadays, stupid rumours, then perhaps he wasn't doing his job like he should.

As luck would have it, she encountered Naruto and Uchiha later that evening, as both were walking in the direction of Naruto's apartment.

Figuring she might as well ask them about it, if only to lord the information over Kakashi, she attracted their attention by waving her hand.

"Oh hey, baa-chan, done saving lives for today?" Naruto grinned, crossing his arms behind his head.

Uchiha was still dressed in a dark poncho, indicating he had just arrived in the village after having been travelling again.

"For today at least," she smiled and resting one hand on her hip, she asked casually, "Say, Naruto, are you and Uchiha a couple?"

"We are, though I don't see how that's any of your business," Uchiha replied flatly, receiving a punch against his shoulder from Naruto for the flippant response.

"What the hell, bastard? Don't be so rude!" Naruto huffed before turned to her. "I'm sorry, baa-chan, his social skills leave a lot to be desired at times."

"You're one to talk," Uchiha scoffed. "What's with the question anyway? Didn't think I needed your permission to date him."

Ignoring his sarcastic comment, she answered, "Apparently your behaviour has some of the idiots here confused and they aren't sure whether you're a couple or not."

"Then why not simply ask us?" Naruto asked confused.

"Because they're idiots, as I've said," she deadpanned.

"How can they even be confused? You're sitting on my lap the entire damn time and we've even kissed in front of them," Uchiha muttered. "How much clearer do we need to be?"

"Don't pretend you don't like me sitting on your lap," Naruto grinned mischievously, earning a slap around the head for it.

"Well, glad we got this cleared up. Enjoy the rest of your evening," she said and walked away, humming.

She wondered how many bottles of excellent sake Kakashi was willing to give in order for this piece of information.

After all, information like this didn't come cheap. Not if she was the one extracting payment.


He stared confused at the retreating form of Tsunade, who looked way too pleased about something that he thought was pretty obvious.

"How can they not know we're together?" he wondered aloud. He was pretty sure they weren't exactly secretive about it. How much clearer did they have to be?

Even Karin, Jugo and Suigetsu knew about them and Naruto barely saw them unless they decided to visit Konoha as well!

"You heard her: they're obviously idiots," Sasuke said flatly and started walking again. "She basically confirmed what I thought my whole life long already."

"Now you're being rude," Naruto informed him, sighing. "They're not all idiots."

"They are if they can't see we're obviously together," Sasuke shot back. "They probably still think we're only friends even if you sucked my dick in front of them."

"And people say I'm the crude one," Naruto huffed. "They should hear you talking sometimes. Their image of you as the perfect guy would be instantly shattered."

"Like I care about what they think," Sasuke grunted and promptly reached out his remaining hand to grasp Naruto's. "Now come on, let's go home."

"To do all sorts of couple things together?" Naruto teased him, tangling their fingers together.

"Sure, if that's what you want to call me blowing your mind and making you scream my name," Sasuke smirked.

"Seriously, and I'm the crude one?!"

"Don't pretend you don't like it," Sasuke shot back, his smirk widening, parroting his words from earlier.

Eugh, just for that, because he decided to be such a bastard, Naruto wasn't going to suck him off tonight. See who had the last laugh then!

(Spoiler alert: Sasuke had the last laugh. Because Naruto's arse was just as amazing as his mouth in his opinion and he so did enjoy making Naruto scream.)

The End

AN2: Yeah; just like all the previous years, I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this. Story of my writing life really, and that's not going to change any time soon.

Please leave your thoughts behind in a review; should you spot any mistakes, please point them out to me.

I hope to see you all back in my future stories! Please stay safe and take care of yourselves!



P.S. For more information about my upcoming and posted stories, please visit my profile.