People are always asking me why I never go solo, why I don't just leave and do my own thing. Well, I've been tempted. Many times for many different reasons I've been tempted. But in the end, it's always good to have a partner like T-Bone. He flies well, he makes an occasional witty one-liner, and in a crunch, he's an excellent paperweight.

But then there's the times when he's not so great to have around...


Jake sat on the couch, occasionally glancing at the clock as his stomach grumbled from hunger. It was Chance's turn to make dinner, and the smaller of the two mechanics hadn't eaten all day.

"Chance, when's dinner gonna be done?"

"Dinner's done as of right..." Chance said as he exited the kitchen. "Now."

Jake hopped up from the couch and went over to their makeshift table. Chance had prepared some kind of steaming dish that was contained in a large soup-pot. Opening the lid and releasing a large puff of that steam, Chance dipped in a ladle and poured some of the contents into a bowl.

Jake sniffed the concoction, and then took a sip. His eyes lit up in delight.

"Chance, this is excellent. What'd you put in it?"

"Well," Chance began as he went over to fold his laundry. "On the way to the Laundromat I picked up these really good looking tomatoes and onions."

"I can tell. They've really added a unique flavor to this soup," Jake said as he finished up his first bowl.

Chance grabbed one of his T-shirts and began to fold it, when several tomatoes and onions fell onto the floor.

"What the heck?" Chance asked as he picked them up. "If these are here, then what did I put in the soup?"

Jake paused in his eating as he bit onto something that had a different texture than before. Slowly looking downward he saw what were apparently Chance's dirty underwear in his soup...and hanging out of his mouth.


After much vomiting and apologies from Chance I forgave him for the obvious accident that had occurred. I felt absolutely noxious afterward. It's quite possibly the most disgusting thing that's ever occurred to me, but by far not the most embarrassing. I don't know if I'll talk about that, but there's definitely a few moments of Chance's that I'd like to share.


"Ugh..." T-Bone muttered as he regained consciousness. "What happened?"

"You inhaled too many of Turmoil's pheromones. The amount of pure-concentrate estrogen and other nasty things have taken some ill effects on you," Razor explained, not looking at him.

"What kind of effects?" T-Bone said in a shaky voice.

"I...I...I can't..." Razor replied.

"Mirror," T-Bone demanded more than asked, and re-emphasized again. "MIRROR!"

"Okay," Razor said as he handed his partner a mirror and took several steps back.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!" T-Bone screamed to such a high degree that the mirror shattered.

"It...It's not TOO bad," Razor began.

"What do you mean it's not too bad? I've grown BOOBS!"


See, now you've completely forgotten about me eating Chance's underwear. I mean come on. It can't get much more embarrassing than that. The "transformation" didn't wear off for over a month, and T-Bone had to face every villain in Megakat City making the obvious jokes and taunts. Even I couldn't help but laugh every so often.

But anyway, enough of that. Back to T-Bone being my number one ally. The SWAT Kats are a team of two, T-Bone and Razor. We fly in the Turbokat, blow up bad guys and get home in time to watch Litterbin.

David Litterbin, my favorite show to watch. Did I ever tell you that I was a guest there once? It went something like this...


"Tonight we've got a very special guest with us," David Litterbin said as he read his information card. "He's an engineer, a weapons designer, a black belt in over 5 different versions of the martial arts, a champion marksman, and a SWAT Kat. Please welcome, Razor!"

The studio band began to play as Razor entered the set from off stage, shaking hands with Litterbin and taking his seat adjacent to him.

"Wow, it's great to be here," Razor commented as numerous people in the audience shouted various words of approval.

"It seems like you're pretty popular around MKC. What with all the 'saving the day' stuff that you do," Litterbin remarked.

"Well, T-Bone and I do what we can," Razor replied as he reached over to take a drink of water.

"So, the big question on everyone's mind is, are you and T-Bone gay?"

"Well I-WHAT???" Razor nearly shouted, spitting out his water.


Fortunately it didn't get much farther than that. The water I spit out hit the nearest camera, and shorted out its electrical components, starting a fire forcing us all to evacuate the studio. Needless to say I don't watch Litterbin as much as I used to.

Moving on to the subject of evil villains...

I don't really care much for them. They're all the same if you think about it. The main pattern is modeled below:

"Blah blah, I'm a genius, blah blah I'll destroy the city with blah blah you can't stop me blah blah how did you kick my ass? Blah blah revenge will blah blah..."

I don't care who it is, they all say that. Unless if we come across a villain who's incapable of speaking (god, that would be awesome) then you'll see that format. Every so often I go and hang out with Dark Kat and engage in a battle of wits with him usually over a game of chess at the country club on the weekends.

We swap stories back and forth as to how we're going to destroy one another when we go back to work on Monday.


"Knight to B7, Check," Dark Kat said as he moved his chess piece. "You have no hope of winning, Razor. I'm thinking four moves ahead."

"Pawn to G8," Razor countered. "It is you who are wrong, Dark Kat, for I am thinking FIVE moves ahead of you."

"You're lying," Dark Kat challenged. "Bishop to A3."

"Observe," Razor said. "Queen to C12. Checkmate."

"What? That can't be..." Dark Kat began, but then stopped. "DAMNIT!"

"You lose, *again*."

"If I lose, everyone loses!" Dark Kat declared as he withdrew a remote control and pressed the button. The chessboard abruptly erupted into flames as all the pieces melted.

"You know, if you keep on doing that they'll reject our membership," Razor said as he adjusted his newly acquired monocle and top hat, sipping a cup of tea.

"Well, back to that other issue," Dark Kat said as he recomposed himself. "I'll be launching an orbiting death laser that has the power to destroy the world. I bet you can't top that."

"An interesting idea indeed, my purple nemesis. One that is apparently un-counterable...except..." Razor began.


"Except, I've since anticipated your plans and have been collecting all of Megakat City's recycled cans and had them meshed into a giant reflective plate that will deploy from a missile and deflect your death laser thus sending it back towards its source, destroying the laser and possibly yourself," Razor explained.

Dark Kat's jaw dropped.

"How the hell could you know all that?"

"If I told you that, then it wouldn't be my trademark secret," Razor said, adding in his best Upper-class British laugh. "Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a toilet that needs unclogging."


Above all else, that's the question that I get asked the most. "How does he do it?"

Well, making the missiles is pretty easy. Nothing that anyone with a Ph. D. in engineering and physics couldn't assemble. It's knowing what to counter and how to counter it that drives the villains insane. I may as well get it off my chest now. This is how I know what missile to make that will save the day...


"Hello, Psychic Hotline? This is...uh...Claw Jakobson. I need to know what to counteract Dark Kat's Doomsday Device with."


Making sure that no one was looking, Razor, wearing a trench coat and fedora over his SWAT Kat uniform, approached the check out stand at the grocery store.

"Let's see, condoms, fireworks, .45 caliber machine gun rounds, pornography, Beano, Hemorrhoid Creme, a pack of cigarettes, a keg of Jack Daniels and...what's this? The daily horoscope???" the check out lady said in a shocked voice. "I'm going to have to see some ID for that horoscope if you don't mind."

Razor slapped his forehead as he took out his driver's license. It read as "Razor" and had a picture of him with a mask on.


A large pile of bread-like crumbs had accumulated behind Razor as he opened up what must have been the thousandth fortune cookie of the day.

"'You will have good fortune today,' that's not it," Razor read aloud as he discarded that one and moved onto the next. "'The Metallikats will attack at noon, wielding a weapon that can be overcome with shoe-laces and chewing gum.' Excellent! I've got plenty of those!"


Yeah, my secret's out now. Hopefully no evil villain will be smart enough to read this (I'm counting on it actually). Speaking of villains, the klaxon's going off again, and Chance looks like he's pretty worried. I hope it's not another one of those false alarms...


"HAAAAAAAAALP!" a voice cried, full of desperation and terror.

"Mayor Manx!" both SWAT Kats said in unison as they activated their jetpacks and zoomed upwards, parallel to the side of city hall. Reaching the top floor, they busted in through the windows and arrived in the interior corridor that ran from the Mayor's Office to the elevators.

"HAAAAAAAAALP!" the voice screamed anew.

"It's coming from the restroom!" Razor shouted as he ran off in that direction, closely followed by T-Bone. The two reached the door, taking up defensive positions on either side. Raising their respective glovatrixes, they silently counted down and T-Bone kicked the door in.

"SWAT Kats! Thank goodness you made it!" Manx said from his... 'vantage point.' "As you can see, I'm in a bit of distress."

T-Bone and Razor, shielding their eyes partially, managed to see what was wrong.

"Damnit! Don't you have any janitors around this crap shack?" T-Bone asked as Razor withdrew a roll of toilet paper from his jumpsuit.

"Here, just...just take this," Razor said as he reached out to hand it to the Mayor without looking.


I've seen many scary, disgusting things, and that scenario is easily among the top five or so. That's what I deal with as a SWAT Kat. Not all aspects of this job are cool and exciting. Many are in fact disturbing and vomit-inducing. These are the sacrifices that I make to keep Megakat City safe. T-Bone's beckoning me, apparently the Pastmaster's back, and his arm's been sewn back on too.