Disclaimers: Yeah, I own nothing. If I did I would spend half my life watching them making out. That's how sick I am...

Warning: Aki x Hika pairing. Of course shounen-ai, yaoi. We all love it. So if you don't like the genre, don't read it. It's as simple as that.

Please read and review. I would like to know if there's any hope for me to go on. If you don't like it, I won't do it. That's how it is. And you can also leave your ideas for next chapters.

Oh, if you think Hikaru is out of character, maybe you're right. But he was indeed moping when Sai disappeared, so why wouldn't he be moping over his unrequited love?

CHAPTER 1: Moping

by Datenshi Blue


Once more. I'm defeated. It's hopeless. I won't never make it. How long has it been since I've been chasing him?

'Arigatou gozaimashita'

'Ah... hai, arigatou'

Look at those stones. They're so pretty. I can help but...


...think that we are just like Gods when we are playing this game. Those...


...beatiful patterns drawn across the goban as if...


I look up startled.

'Where are you? I was telling you that this was a stupid move, but you seem really out of it.'

'A stupid move... I guess so...'

His eyes widen. Those green pools stare at me in surprise.

'Shindou... are you OK?'

No, I guess I'm not. But I can't tell you.

'I'm sorry, Touya. I'll be going now. Later.'

I stand. The people that have been watching our match look at me baffled. Yeah, I guess they are right. Now I should be discussing the game with him. And then his cool attitude and his icy eyes should piss me off. I should scream at him, he should shout at me. I should leave in a rage... again. Because I can't stand his icy eyes and his cold voice when he is trying to prove he is right. Because they are so different from the heat that emanates from him while we are playing. Because I always wish the game never ended. To feel that heat forever. To be burnt down by it.

But what am I saying? For God's sake, I sound like if I was in love. Yeah, that's right, isn't it? How long has he been the only thing inside my mind? I think our hearts, our spirits are even closer than those of many lovers. Well, while we are playing Go, that is. Still he is a guy. Not that I really care about that. Well, I know it is weird, but you can't tell your heart who to love now, can you? And I can't help to be attracted to him.

Great. Am I blushing? This is stupid.

I push the door of my house open and walk inside. The darkness and the silence greet me and I suddenly feel out of place. Why is there noone here? Where is everybody?

Yeah, that's right. I forgot. I was so deep into that game that it slipped off my mind. My parents were leaving today for a vacation. Don't ask me their reasons. I suppose they did tell me, but lately I am really unable to concentrate. I can only focus on our games, on the heat I feel whenever he places a stone on the goban. It's obssessive. My mind wanders and I start to feel like if we had some special intimacy. Like if our souls were tangling together, building new worlds, fighting for them, trying to reach for something that's so beyond us... the Hand of God. No matter if I win or lose, I always stare at the beautiful patterns. More than once I have lifted my eyes, almost overflown with tears to find only ice in his own eyes. How my heart aches then! How I would like to kick the goban and the stones away, and just take him by the collar and push him against the wall, and make him show me something other than that... blankness.

He might be playing his father now. I have heard he is back from China for a few days. Still Touya has been going to the Go Salon everyday. To play me. Again, this hatred pain on my heart. How I wish Sai was still here. He would be able to talk me down. It has been two years. And I still miss him so much. Will he ever be able to forgive my selfishness?

I'm ranting. I know it. I'm sitting down on the floor of my room, all the lights in the house are turned off. Only a streetlight finds its way inside my room through the wide-opened window.

I can still see the flags being shaken by the wind, even though they are not there. I can still feel the sudden silence, as Sai disappeared, only broken by the wind playing with the curtains and the Boy's Day's flags. It's like being haunted. Heh, it's like being haunted by the disappearance of the ghost who was haunting me.

Do I make any sense?

I don't want to mope. I am not the type that's all gloomy and thoughtful. I ran away from Touya today. I'm not that type either. I'm always talking about chasing him, and then I run away like this.


Is the door ringing? I run downstairs and open it.


'Waya, Isumi-san!'

'You, bastard. You promised to meet us at 7.30 to go have dinner and to go to the movies...'

Crap. I did promise. No wonder Waya is steaming now. Isumi-san smiles gently, yet his eyes shine mockingly. He is having fun. I give a quick look to the clock to find that we can't even make it to the movie.

'Gomen... I...'

'What's with you lately? Damn, you're acting weird, Shindou!'

'No, I'm... It's just that... I was at the Go Salon and lost track of the time... And then...'

Waya grabs my wrist and pulls me out of my house. He and Isumi-san are kidnapping me, and I'm glad. Because I need to stop thinking about Touya and his lack of feelings. If only he despised me, that would at least light his eyes. But the ice...

'The ice...'

'Ah? OK. Yeah, you're right. It's so hot. Let's ask for extra ice on our drinks', Waya says. That's when I notice that I have said that out loud. Am I blushing again? Way to go, me.

'Were you playing Touya, Shindou?', Isumi-san asks.

'Yeah. I lost again...', I draw my hand to the back of my head in an embarrassed way, and smile apologetically.

'Isn't Touya-sensei back in Japan?', he asks.

'Yeah, he is'

'I guess Touya-kun is such a cold-blooded bastard that he doesn't even care about being with his father if he can pl...'

'Stop it...', I say. It's not that I'm angry because Waya still doesn't like Touya after all these years. It is about Waya's skill to touch weak spots. Damn him.

'Oi, Shindou. You are really freaking me out.'

'I'm sorry guys. I am not feeling OK. I'd better go home'

And so I hurry out of the McDonalds. I start to run towards my house. I don't want to think about anything. Specially Touya. I just want to forget about him, his cold green eyes, his hair that hides them from me sometimes. The soft, yet determined hand that so skillfully places stones over the goban. This is not helping at...


What has happened? I am on the floor and my arms are closed around a slender figure. Black hair is tickling my face. I can hear a thundering sound beating inside me as I recognize this scent. I close my eyes, and blush, feeling kind of aroused.

'Damn, Shindou. Don't you ever look where you're going? There are more people walking in the streets, you know.'

I can feel his breath on my neck. My hands grasp his shirt, and I wish I had the courage to pull him even closer. Or at least, I wish this moment could last forever. He doesn't notice. Just pulls himself away from me and gets on his feet, looking kind of confused. Then he helps me up.

'Touya'. I say. Where are my talking skills? 'I'm sorry' Oh, way to go, me. What an improvement.

I don't know if I am apologizing for running into him like this or for running away from him after our match. The truth is that I can still feel the weight of his body pressed against mine. And it was so warm. I didn't know Touya could feel so warm. And God, his breath caressing my neck. Now I'm turning into a sick pervert. I should stop thinking about this stuff, especially when he is in front of me. And I'm feeling my heart going mad again. God, what's wrong with me?

'Are you feeling bad?', is that concern in his eyes? I wish it was.

Touya lifts his hand to touch my forehead.

'You seem to have a fever'

That's only because you were whispering on my neck. Damn you, Touya. I just... I flinch away before he can touch me. Then he seems to realize what he was about to do and blushes... So lovely.

I should be on a denial state. But I'm so used to having him inside my head that it doesn't feel wrong to have him inside my heart too. Of course, it is not like I have any chance, him being so conservative and stuff. It's all about that. And that's why his coolness hurts me so much. Isn't this an awkward silence? Why aren't we talking? Well, I'm too busy doing all this brooding, but what about him?

'I... I was on my way to your house', Touya says suddenly. He looks away, embarrassed.

'Why would you?', now I'm being rude. I'm scoring points, am I not?

'Well, you know... Your parents talked to mine before leaving. They said you've been acting weird lately and asked to keep an eye on you'.

'Nani?' Now, I'm also retarded. Can it get any better?

'And said you probably wouldn't have anything to eat, but instant ramen...' Yeah, it sure could get better. How could I even doubt it?

'So my mother sent that as a gift', he's pointing at the ground.

Then I see the torn bag laying there. There is a little mess too. Well, actually there's a lot of rice spread everywhere.

I can't think of anything to say.

'Guess I'll have instant ramen, after all', I can't believe I have muttered such a stupid sentence. I excel in the task of making a fool out of me.

But Touya's lips are twitching. And after a couple of seconds, he bursts into laughs.

I think it's the first time I have heard him laughing like this. And I must say I love it. I love the sound of his clear voice. I love the way his shoulders shake as he laughs heartily. The way his hair caresses his cheeks. The way he keeps his beautiful eyes half closed. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm really head over heels for this guy. And so, I have to make an effort to keep myself from giving in to my emotions and kiss him right there. Because I suddenly need to know if his lips are as warm as his body was a while ago.

I look away. That's something that won't happen, right?

His laughter fades and I find myself already missing it.

I start cleaning the mess a little, and he helps me. Then we throw the rubbish away and start walking together. For the first time in days, I feel at ease.



Arimasen: I have nothing.

Arigatou gozaimashita: Thank you very much.

Well, that's it. Ok, it sucks so much, doesn't it? Please, tell me what you think. If you think I should just burn this and spread the ashes to the wind, say it so. Mattaku. It's my first Hikaru fic, and it's the first time I try to write shounen-ai. So go easy on me, ok?