Title: An Evil Plan Gone Horribly Wrong
Author: Sephira jo (contact at: )
Archive: With permission only
Series: Rurouni Kenshin
Rating: R (For loads of innuendo and adult situations/language)
Genre: Romantic Comedy/Drama
Pairings: Kenshin/Kaoru, Sano/Megumi
Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin! *sob sob*
Summary: Kaoru's tired of being ignored by Kenshin. Sano's tired of being ignored by Megumi. Together Sano and Kaoru hatch an evil, evil plan to get the attention of their romantic interests. But what happens when the plan goes awry leaving a very jealous and confused Kenshin and Megumi ecstatic?
Author's notes: Hey all! My first Kenshin fic. :D I hope you all like it, but a few notes first. Since honorifics don't really translate, I'll be using the standard Kaoru-dono, Megumi-san, Yahiko-chan and Jou-chan. However, even though I know that de gozaru and de gozaru ka don't translate I'll be using the wonderful, oft hated, "that it is." Which comes as close as anything can in English to matching Kenshin's speech patterns. I will keep him saying 'oro' but again I've replaced sessha with 'this unworthy one,' it's literal English translation. Thanks!! And I hope you enjoy the fic!!
As she often did, Kaoru watched Kenshin work on the laundry, a wistful look on her young face. As much as she loved him, the man had to be the densest person in all of Japan. He had lived here, at the dojo with her for how long? And he still didn't know how she felt about him. Kaoru flinched, half of that was her fault. She just couldn't work up the courage to say anything to him. Every time she tried, she either froze or Yahiko or Sano would come out of nowhere demanding food and thereby ruining the moment completely.
Kaoru sighed, she wasn't seductive and cunning like Megumi. In fact she almost felt stupid when she tried to 'play the woman.' She wasn't straight forward or tactless like Sano, nor was she sweet and a good cook like her friend Tae. But nothing she did seemed to work as far as getting Kenshin to notice her. Kaoru gritted her teeth, her temper on the rise. Kenshin could be such an idiot sometimes.
"Hey ugly!!" A high-pitched voice called out behind her, "What are you standing there staring at?"
Kaoru's face flushed red with anger and she whipped around to face the arrogant little bastard that spoke. "Yahiko-chan," she said in a deceptively soft voice, deliberately adding the chan he hated so much to his name, "Why are you always saying stuff like that!!" She finished, picking her shinai up from its resting place next to her to give Yahiko a well-deserved beating to vent some of her anger.
She took a hard swing at him, to find that he had moved just out of reach sticking his tongue out at her childishly, "Don't call me YAHIKO-CHAN, Tanuki!" He shouted.
"Really!" Kaoru exclaimed, and forgetting about watching Kenshin, forgetting some of her misery chased after Yahiko, screaming half-meant insults at the young boy, who seemed to enjoy the game every bit as much as she.
Sano downed another small dish of sake, absolutely miserable. Nothing, nothing he did at all seemed to get that stuck-up Megumi to notice him. Glowering Sano downed another shot of the liquor. Most women were flattered to be the object of his affections. But no, not fox woman. All she seemed to be good for was healing wounds and annoying Jou-chan by pursuing Kenshin.
He downed yet another shot and pounded his fist against the table causing the tavern's few sober patrons to jump, shocked. He had even tried letting people get close enough in fights to hurt him, giving him an excuse to hobble to that damned clinic to see that fox woman, and she still didn't get it.
Sano grabbed the sake bottle and scowled when only a drop went into the cup. Great. He was out. He had spent the last of his money too. He tried to think through a lightly intoxicated haze, didn't he keep a jug or ten hidden at Jou-chan's? And on the upside, going to the dojo promised some free food.
Standing to his feet he managed a small amount of balance before walking out of the tavern and toward the Kamiya dojo. Even if he couldn't find his booze, at the very least he'd get some free food. And at least Kenshin's cooking was edible, unlike his or Jou-chan's.
The whole way there he pondered his unique . . . well okay, not really unique problem. After all, Jou-chan was suffering something similar, wasn't she? After all, that girl had been trying nonstop to get Kenshin's attention. That was another thing that made going to the dojo amusing, Kenshin's seemingly eternal oblivious state to the younger woman's amazingly huge crush on him.
Sanosuke snickered to himself as he walked through the dojo's front gates, the all to common sounds of fighting and chaos muffled to his pleasantly drunken ears. He heard Jou-chan screaming at Yahiko at the top of her lungs, what had that little brat done this time? Yahiko was running in Sano's general direction laughing loudly.
Distantly Sano heard Kaoru skid to a stop and shout, "Sano, look out!"
Sano looked up, his reaction slowed by a days worth of drinking and feeling sorry for himself. He glanced up just in time to see the bucket before it hit square in the face, sending him on a one way trip to the ground and unconsciousness.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Kaoru muttered more to herself then the out-cold Sano laying on the ground. She came to a complete stop right above him. Looking down, she tried to assess his condition: mouth open in shock, eyes spinning, and one large, pulsing bruise on the head complements of one Kamiya Kaoru. Yep, he was definitely out cold.
Yahiko also skidded to a stop next to the knocked-out Sano, "Geeze, Ugly, your aim's just as bad as your temper!"
Kaoru shot a cold glare at Yahiko, she cared for the brat, she really did, but sometimes his teasing was uncalled for, "How can you say that right now! I think I hit him too hard; Sano needs a doctor! Why don't you make yourself useful for once and go get Megumi-san or something."
"Nah," Yahiko said nonchalantly, stretching his arms over his back, "He's been hit on the head enough times by now that one more isn't gonna make change anything." He paused then laughed shortly, "Besides, that was pretty funny."
"You wouldn't be saying that if I had hit you," Kaoru said shortly, trying to pick up the dead weight of the former mercenary to take him inside, "Could you at least help me here?" She finished getting no response. She looked up to find Yahiko gone, she heard his voice a moment later, happily shouting.
"Hey Kenshin!! You got to come see this, Kaoru hit Sano on the head with a flying bucket! It's hilarious!"
Kaoru registered a distant shocked 'oro' and sighed. One day, she would strangle that brat. Thankful that she was dressed in her practice clothes instead of a more formal kimono, she dragged the heavy Sano inside the dojo the best she could, thinking that he smelled a little bit more like sake than usual. Oh well, his being drunk (again) would explain why it was so easy for him to get hit by the bucket that had been meant for her loud mouthed student, Yahiko.
Sano opened his eyes slowly, the world around him not quite clear, it was still an image fuzzy around the edges. He blinked once. Twice. A face leaned overly close to his, dark hair and curious blue eyes stared at him intently, waiting for him to do something.
"Whaaa!!" He shouted pushing the body the face was attached to away.
Kaoru fell backwards hitting the floor with a thump and a gasp as the blow knocked the air right out of the young woman. Sanosuke just stared down at her, unsure of how she had come to be wherever it was that he was until he remembered that he had been heading toward the dojo. In fact, he had just been walking through the gates when . . . when . . . what had happened next?
"Really, Sano, is that how you say thank you?" Kaoru said, as she sat up again, shaking herself free from the blow, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
Sano flopped back down on the futon, his head throbbing for some reason other than liquor, "What happened?" He asked, half afraid of the answer. In this dojo it could have been anything.
Kaoru blushed, embarrassed and looked down at her hands as she answered, "You, uh, tripped and hit your head which kind of knocked you out . . . " She trailed off, still bright red.
Sano shot Kaoru a half believing look, "I tripped?" He asked, it was obvious that Jou-chan was lying, the girl was awful at it.
Kaoru nodded silently, then stood up quickly trying to change the subject, "Kenshin's has started making dinner, you're welcome to join us, if you want to." She added, it was obvious she was using the 'free food' tactic to get him to let the matter drop. Sano sat up, and sighed. Well at least it was Kenshin cooking and not Kaoru. He wouldn't eat one of Jou-chan's home cooked meals for all the sake in Tokyo.
There was a snickering sound form the screen door and Sano looked over to see Yahiko standing there, trying very hard NOT to laugh, "Tanuki's embarrassed 'cause she beaned you with a bucket that she threw at me," Yahiko shrugged a look of extreme amusement on his face, "It's funny, really, her aim's worse than her temper."
Sano glanced back at Kaoru, who appeared to be shaking with rage. The hot tempered young kenjitsu teacher pointed a finger at Yahiko and shouted, "You didn't have to TELL HIM THAT!!"
"Why not UGLY, it's the truth. And it was pretty funny. Especially how you got him right in the face," Yahiko said, laughing, demonstrating what had happened by waving his hands in front of his face, like he was going to slap himself.
"In the FACE?!" Sano said shocked, no wonder he had a headache. Or on second thought, it was a wonder it hadn't killed him. One day Jou-chan would go too far. In the face . . . damn!!
Kaoru ran at the young boy, who was able to dodge her easily. Sano wondered how much of their banter and fighting was just play. He wouldn't be surprised if all of it was faked, he mused that they were more like siblings then a teacher and student.
No one answered his 'in the face' and Kaoru ran after the little brat, chasing him in the general direction of the kitchen.
Sano shook his head and flopped back on the futon, his head still pounding from the mornings events combined with his drinking binges. He sighed, closed eyes and waited for dinner.
Kaoru chased Yahiko down the hall and around a corner, only to find him completely gone when she rounded the bend. Kaoru sighed, how did he do that? He always managed to slip away somehow when they were fighting. Most likely he went to visit Tsubame-chan at the Akabeko.
"Kaoru-dono?" Kaoru turned around to see Kenshin's head sticking out of the door to the small kitchen.
"Kenshin!" Kaoru said happily for no real reason, even the sight of his face lightening her mood. Smiling she moved closer to the entrance to the small kitchen, "Can I keep you company, at least until dinner is done?" She asked, almost holding her breath. She loved spending time with Kenshin in any way shape or form, even if it was in the kitchen. In a way though, it was fun to just watch him cook. She treasured every minute with him.
Kenshin gave her a blank look and blinked a couple times before giving one of his rurouni-style grins and nodding, "Yes, Kaoru-dono."
Kaoru grinned to herself as Kenshin walked back into the kitchen, Yay! She thought, another chance!! Smiling she walked into the kitchen after her wandering Kenshin.
The making of dinner was obviously already well underway when Kaoru entered the small room. Pieces of chopped vegetables lined cutting boards along with small pieces of tofu mixed in with the pungent aroma of freshly cut fish. Kaoru loved the smells of cooking, especially cooking done by Kenshin, left to her, what promised to be a tasty meal would be nothing more than burnt ash or cold soup with uncooked components.
Kaoru was brought out of her gentle reprieve by the sound of Kenshin's voice, "Yahiko told me that you attacked Sano with a bucket today, that he did."
Kaoru winced, reaching for a small piece of carrot on the counter, "He told you that? I think I hit him too hard in the head. I'm kind of worried about him."
Kenshin snickered lightly then said, "Sano's been hit in the head many times before, that he has. One more time won't make much difference, that it won't."
Kaoru bit back a laugh that would've made her choke on the small piece of carrot in her mouth, "That's mean." She giggled, "But Yahiko said the exact same thing."
"Did he?" Kenshin smiled, his attention more on the cooking then on Kaoru, who snuck another small carrot, popping it into her mouth. She smiled and made an affirmative noise, chuckling the whole time.
"Yeah," Kaoru said around a mouth full of stolen snack. She smiled and looked at Kenshin, who was glancing at her out of the corner of his violet eyes.
"You shouldn't snack too much, Kaoru-dono, you'll ruin your appetite, that you will."
Kaoru looked up at Kenshin who looked back at her, his expression gentle and friendly, his eyes a soft violet. Tell him, Stupid! Kaoru thought to herself, how could she not seize this opportunity?
Kaoru looked him right in the eyes and held his gaze with her own. She took a deep breath to calm her pounding heart, "Kenshin . . . "
He smiled softly, "Yes, Karou-dono?"
"I. . ."
He still smiled.
"I. . ." Tellhimtellhimtellhim!!! Kaoru screamed at herself, her heart beating faster then any one of Kenshin's Hiten Mitsurugi techniques.
Kenshin still had that clueless grin on his face.
"I. . ." loveyouloveyouloveyouloveyou. Why couldn't she just say it! What made it so hard just to spit it out?
Kaoru closed her eyes; she could feel her cheeks flushing. Bitting her cheeks, she opened her mouth to say it one more time. "I. . ." The door to the kitchen slid open with a bang. Sano stood there, just staring in at the two of them. Kaoru stared back, her look black with anger. She had almost said it, for crying out loud! Interrupted again!
"Hey Kenshin, Dinner ready yet?"
Kenshin simply smiled, apparently oblivious to the waves of anger and frustration that rolled off the young woman like a thunder cloud, "Dinner is almost ready, that it is. How's your head feeling, Sano?"
Sano lifted a hand to his head, a little too dramatically for Kaoru's taste, "It still hurts like hell, but I think I'll live." He winked at Kaoru, which just made her fume more, "I might get better faster if Jou-chan there would apologize." He finished, smirking.
Kaoru couldn't take it anymore. Snapping she yelled, "Why should I apologize!? You're the one who walked right into it!! Maybe you should learn to look where your going when you walk instead of walking around in a drunken haze!" Kaoru stormed out of the kitchen, the sound of Sano's laughter grating on her nerves. To his credit she didn't hear Kenshin laugh.
For Kaoru, dinner was a tense affair. She went between glancing shyly at Kenshin, who hardly ever returned her looks to glaring at Yahiko, who had some how magically appeared just in time to be fed, to giving Sano the blackest looks she had ever shot anyone. Ever.
Kaoru couldn't even focus on the conversation, what little of it there was. Occasionally one of the other three would glance at her, expecting an answer to this question or a reaction to that comment and she would just mumble. It seemed at least her misery was contagious as Sano seemed under a black cloud as well. Well, Kaoru thought, serves him right. That jerk . . . As always, Kenshin's mood was undefinable. The only person who ever knew what Kenshin was thinking was Kenshin, and Kaoru doubted that was the case sometimes. And Yahiko was just loud and annoying . . . as always.
Afterward Kenshin cleaned the dishes and then went to fold clothing. Kaoru would've helped, but it seemed Kenshin had learned rather quickly that having Kaoru attempt to help with household chores often ended badly. Kaoru sighed, Yahiko had disappeared again, leaving his share of the cleaning undone. Kaoru picked up the rag and bucket and chucked the rag at Sano, who sat just staring off at nothing.
"Hey, what are you doing?" He asked, miffed, pulling the rag off his face, staring at Kaoru.
Kaoru didn't answer. Instead, she threw the bucket at Sano, who, this time, managed to dodge it.
"What the hell!?" He exclaimed, eyes wide like she had been attempting to murder him.
"Food isn't free you know! The least you could do is help us around the dojo!" Kaoru snapped.
"Isn't this Yahiko's job?"
"He's not here, so you do it."
Sano glared, "Why can't you do it, Jou-chan?"
"Because," Kaoru stated, "I shouldn't have to." The last was spoken with a logic that made sense. At least to Kaoru. After all, with three free loaders, the least any of them could do was some cleaning. Kenshin always did way more than his share. Yahiko would do some, take off, do a little more, then pick a fight with her. Sano hardly ever lifted a finger that wasn't somehow attached to food or sake.
Kaoru left a shocked Sano there and went to her room. After slamming the door closed she flopped down on the futon. Kenshin . . . All she really wanted was to let him know how she felt about him. Not even that seemed to go right. Kaoru heaved a deep, long-suffering sigh. Why did everything have to be so hard?
Kaoru jumped up when she heard a tap on her bedroom's door. She walked to the door and slide it open, hopping it was Kenshin. She put on her best smile and looked up. Her grin fell instantly. Sano stood in the door.
"Can I come in?" He asked nonchalantly, as if it was a question he posed to girls every day.
"What?!?" Kaoru nearly shrieked.
"God Jou-chan, quiet down! It's not what you think, I think I hid one in here."
"Hid what?" Now Kaoru was just confused.
Sano pushed her aside and walked right on in, leaving Kaoru with her jaw hanging open staring at him as he looked through the things scattered about her room.
"Hid what?!" Kaoru demanded, regaining enough composure to walk up right next to him. This was her room after all.
Sano made a triumphant noise and held up a drinking gourd, "This. I knew I hid one in here."
Kaoru was shocked, stunned beyond anything she had ever been before. He had hidden a SAKE gourd in HER BEDROOM!!
"That's sake! You hid a gourd full of sake in my bedroom?!"
Sano gave her a confused look, like it shouldn't have mattered that he had been sneaking around her dojo hiding sake in strange places, "What? Would you rather I had put it in Yahiko's room? Or in Kenshin's? At least in here I knew it wouldn't be drunk."
Kaoru pushed him angrily, "That's not the point!!! You were in my room, hiding liquor!!!!!"
Blank stare, "Yeah, so?"
Kaoru bit back a scream of rage at Sano's total and complete idiocy, "How many of those things to you have hidden around here?" She asked, trying very hard to keep her voice even.
Sano stared upwards, trying very hard to think, "Uhh, I dunno. Ten I think . . . hell, it could be more."
Kaoru was shaking with rage. This compounded with the days events made her want to pick up her shinai and beat the living daylights out of Sagara Sanosuke, "How many of them are in here?" She asked, speaking each word slowly through clenched teeth.
"Five, I think."
"So, there are four more full gourds of sake hidden somewhere in my bedroom?!"
"Sounds 'bout right." Sano said, popping the quark out of the one in his hand, taking a big swig, "Damn, that's good stuff."
"So, where was I when you decided to hide sake in my bedroom?"
"I dunno." Sano took another swig then looked at Kaoru, the drunken haze already returning to his eyes, "I'm surprised you haven't stolen any. I mean you see yours everyday."
"My what?" Kaoru asked, every bit as confused as she was angry. Sano made no sense when he was sober, and even less sense when drunk.
"You know, your stupid red-haired crush person," Another swig, "It has to be worse on you, 'cause you see him everyday."
"How do YOU know what I think about Kenshin!?" Kaoru shrieked, absolutely mortified. It figured that the one person to figure out how she felt about Kenshin wasn't her rurouni.
Sano snorted, "Oh please. You'd have to be blind not to notice!" Sano made girly gestures with his arms in a bad attempt to imitate Kaoru, "Oh look at me! I'm Kamiya Kaoru and I'm totally in love with a guy too stupid to notice it!"
Kaoru tried to punch the drunk mercenary, who dodged it easily, "Oh like you have it any better, who's yours?" Kaoru spat out, half-wanting to know, simply because it never occurred to her that Sano loved anything other than fighting and sake.
"Why should I tell you?" Sano said, his tone very much like that of a little brat.
"You know mine! Besides, the least you could do for hiding five things of sake in MY room is tell me yours!" Kaoru returned.
Sano glared at the floor and muttered something that sounded like a name, but said it so fast that Kaoru couldn't make it out.
He muttered something again, and this time Kaoru thought she could catch the last syllable of 'mi'.
"I can't understand you."
"THAT DAMNED FOX WOMAN!!!"
Oh. Megumi, huh? Kaoru thought about it a minute, then, unable to help herself she burst out laughing.
"What's so damned funny?!" Sano shouted as Kaoru collapsed to the floor in fits of laughter.
"You . . . and Megumi-san," Kaoru gasped out between fits of laughing. Right now she didn't feel the slightest bit of pity for Sano. She did feel a little sorry for Megumi-san however, "Poor Megumi-san."
"Poor Megumi?!" Sano shouted, taking another swig, "What about poor Kenshin? I'd feel sorry for anyone with a woman like you after them!"
Kaoru stopped laughing. Lashing out, she kicked Sano in the shins, bringing him down to the floor next to her, "What is THAT supposed to mean! At least you can get Megumi to pay attention to you! You're always over at that clinic!!"
Sano swore, "Yeah sure, she pays attention to me. After I get the shit beat out of me, she dresses my wounds and tells me not to be so fucking stupid! That's a lot better then with you and Kenshin!"
Kaoru stared. All of a sudden it wasn't 'poor Megumi-san' anymore, "Poor Sano . . . " She thought aloud. Sano looked up at her, his face flushed from sake and shouting, his expression confused.
"When did it become 'poor Sano'?" He asked.
"Oh please. Can't I feel sorry for someone in the same situation as me? Even if it is you," Kaoru said, shaking her head, then she sighed, "I think I'd do just about anything to get Kenshin to pay attention to me. At least you have a way to get Megumi to touch you. Even if it is only dressing wounds then calling you an idiot."
Sano regarded Kaoru with a sympathetic expression. Kaoru looked at him confused, then Sano stretched out his arm, offering her the sake. Sighing she took the gourd and took a swig of the liquor inside. It warmed her almost instantly, fuzzing her thoughts in a not altogether unpleasant way. She handed it back to Sano, who took another swig then repeated the processes. They drank, the two of them emoting about their various problems with their significant others.
One jug disappeared, then he found the second, then the third and fourth. The sake seemed to do something to Kaoru allowing her to open up. Indeed she had never been this open or honest with anyone, not even when her father had been alive. Kaoru squinted at Sano, for some reason her vision was all fuzzy and she felt strange.
"You know," Kaoru started, "You're really UGLY, Sano." She said, not even aware that she was speaking out loud, "But at least you've got other girls who want to be with you . . . you could try making Megumi jealous or something," Kaoru paused and hiccuped, then giggled.
"Sometimes," She started, "I wish I could do something like that with Kenshin. Hang all over some other guy until Kenshin got really jealous or something. But I couldn't hurt someone else like that," Kaoru jumped when Sano clapped his hands together loudly.
"That's it!!" Sano exclaimed loudly, scaring Kaoru half to death.
"What's it?" She asked, her words slurred.
"You could hang all over me to make Kenshin jealous!"
Kaoru squinted at Sano, grabbing the sake from him and taking another swig, "Why would I want to do a thing like that?"
Sano rolled his eyes and snorted, violently taking the jug away from Kaoru, "Because once Kenshin's jealous he'll be all over you. And Megumi will be all over me when she's jealous. And it's not like I find you attractive or anything, your face is always red from screaming at people and you throw stuff at me. All the time."
Kaoru tried to jump up, only to fall backwards on her futon, giggling insanely, in that moment she could have kissed Sano, but her body didn't seem to want to do anything she told it to, "Sano, do you think it will work?"
"It will! Kenshin will be all over you in no time, and Megumi will be all over me once she finds out what's she missing. Especially if she thinks I like you," He snorted out the last word to show what he thought of the idea of him liking Kaoru.
Kaoru giggled some more and Sano mused her hair in a big brotherly type gesture. Her mind was full of images of her and Kenshin together, the plan a perfect success. She felt light headed and giddy and the colors in the room began to spin. Kaoru tried to sit up once more only to fall backwards, passed out cold from a mixture of exhaustion and liquor.
Sano looked down at Kaoru and laughed lightly. The young girl had obviously never drank before, she had already passed out. He took a big swig from the jug, finishing off the last of the sake, congratulating himself on his awesome plan for snagging Megumi for himself and trapping Kenshin for Jou-chan.
Sano tried to get up to walk away, but he must have drunk more than he thought, because his legs weren't moving right and trying to stand made his stomach lurch. He needed somewhere to sleep it off. He tried to think through a drunken haze when an idea came to him. He and jou-chan were going to pretend to be interested in each other, right? Then it shouldn't matter if he spent a night in her room. It wasn't like he wanted to sleep with her or anything. After all, it was Jou-chan.
Sano flopped down on the futon next to the passed out Kaoru after he took steps to make things look more realistic and smiled to himself, certain that their plan was foolproof. Sleep overcame him quickly and dreams of Megumi throwing herself all over him danced through his head.
Kaoru's first welcome back to the world of the living came in the form of a pounding headache unlike anything she had ever felt before. She groaned. What the hell had she done last night to make her feel like she had been practicing for a year straight? Her body letting out a moan of protest she rolled over on her futon, only to bump into something hard and warm.
Kaoru's eyes shot open and she found herself staring at a bare chest. A bare chest that wasn't Kenshin's. She looked up, half afraid to see the face attached to the body. When she saw who it was, she screamed.