Epilogue

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After Sephy Lee Roth was killed, the Lifestream of Meteor flooded into the Planet, replacing much of it's depletion by the Shinra, and subsequently by the Hair Club for Men. Without its vital substance, Meteor crumbled to dust in the upper atmosphere. Red sand rained over the entire world. People everywhere, who had been expecting the end, winced in expectation as they saw the increased brightness of Meteor, only to heave a sigh of relief after the red rain ceased. The heaving of the earth in the Northern crater ceased, allowing Trent to rejoin his friends. With the threat to the planet abated, the green glow faded from the White Materia. Gravely, Zack returned it to the last surviving Cetra.

Later...



Trent sat alone in his villa in Costa Del Sol. He was dreading what was going to happen.

There was a knock on the door. Tifa and Aeris entered together.

"Look," Trent started, but was interrupted by Aeris.

"No, wait, Trent, you don't have to choose."

"I...don't?"

"No," answered Tifa, "Me and Aeris have been talking this over, and, well, we've decided that we're more interested in each other."

"What?"

In answer, Aeris shyly took Tifa's hand and smiled.

"Oh. Um...wow." {This sucks!}

"Oh, but don't worry!" said Tifa, "We've set you up with somebody. She ought to be here any minute now!"

Seconds later, the doorbell rang. "That's her!" exclaimed Aeris, excited.

Trent opened the door, expectantly.

The figure in the doorway was tall, dark-haired, and full figured. It also had a moustache. "Federal express," the man said, holding an envelope, "Sign here."

Suppressing a sigh of relief, Trent signed for the letter and closed the door in the man's face.

"That wasn't her," said Tifa. The doorbell rang again, and Aeris began jumping up and down expectantly. Trent opened the door again.

A bucket of water fell on his head. Snickering, the children ran off.

Fuming, Trent closed the door. The doorbell rang again.

Bare-It was standing at the door. Trent screamed.

"No, no," said Tifa, "We set you up with someone female."

Puzzled, Bare-It came through the door. Trent slammed it behind him. The doorbell rang again.

"I am your singing telegram!" Trent shot her, and closed the door again. The doorbell rang.

"I'm here to offer you an AMAZING deal on--" BLAM! Another corpse piled on the front door. Trent closed the door yet again, and the doorbell went off. Trent checked his ammo and opened the door, and--

Yuppie leaped into his arms. Tifa and Aeris cheered.

"This is a joke, right?" asked Trent.

"Oh, gods," groaned Bare-It, "Only those two could come up with such a match."

"How'd you get down?" asked Trent.

"I'll have you know," said Yuppie ominously, "That I happen to be a trained ninja!"

Bare-It paused for a minute. "What exactly do you mean by 'trained'?" he asked.

"Er...um...potty trained."

"That's what I thought."

The doorbell rang once again. Cautiously, Trent opened it up.

"I'm here to fix the john," said the plumber. She was tall and lithe, emerald-green eyes just a shade lighter than Aeris's, and flowing red hair down to her shoulders. For just a moment, her lips pursed seductively. Dumbfounded, Trent stepped aside. Pointing to the restroom, he said, "In there." For once, he didn't mind the plumber's trademark butt-crack.

"As I was saying--" Yuppie piped up.

Trent shoved her out the door with an absent, "Get lost, kid."

In later years, Trent would swear that it was love at first sight, but everybody else who he met knew that he would have fallen in love with a tree sloth if it would get him out of dating Yuppie.

Trent proceded to stammer out a conversation with Paula the Plumber while Tifa and Aeris quizzed Bare-It on events that had happened after the fall of Sephy Lee Roth.

The Bastardly Productions Trousers had been destroyed by the same magic that had come to Trent's aid against Sephy when all hope seemed lost. The globe Zack had found atop a dead rat at the Gold Saucer was revealed to be the White Materia when it lost its pale green glow. Zack was now living happily in the Corel Mountains with the moogles, who were planning to build their own empire entirely out of cheese. Bare-It wished them well, but hoped to live downwind.

Midgar was little more than a ruin. It had been smashed utterly by the eldritch forces wielded by Sephy and Trent in the last battle. However, a new community was being constructed slightly to the south of it. It was called New Gotham, and the Mayor was none other than the same Jackie who had come to Trent's aid against the underwater Weapon. New Gotham's deputy mayor was none other than Palmer, who had a lifetime's experience in not being funny.

Arsechimp and Skanker had combed the ruins of Midgar for files left behind by the now-ruined Alpo Company. They were setting up shop in New Gotham, producing a chunky, meaty new dog food called "SkankyArse", after the proprietors. For some reason, it wasn't selling all that well. Skanker was additionally penning the sequel to his number one bestseller, 'All Male Group Hugs and Other Things Which I Consider To Be My "Bag."' He'd asked BOU and Raistlin to help him come up with a name for the new book. At last report, they were arguing over who the best Namer in Cid's Knights was.

Cid couldn't bear to return to Rocket Town, bereft as it now was of it's gigantic phallic symbol, so he married Shera and moved to New Gotham and started a confectionary. The first line of product, due to roll out just months later, was a sharp, minty chewing gum called "Cid's Knight Mint". There was a small delay in production when it was discovered that an essential flavor additive happened to containe the essence of crack cocaine and all the lab rats used in testing the gum were found running about in circles at high rates of speed and singing show tunes...badly.

Cait Sith was happy as ever living in the town of Kalm, because people there tended to leave their windows open, so he could saunter in and sleep on their faces. He even delegated the duty of crapping in people's gardens to the giant stuffed toy he rode, leading to the discovery that Sta-Puft shit was a fantastic fertilizer. Soon, Cait Sith was receiving orders from as far away as Bone Village, and the stuffed toy was getting really sick of chili.

Vincent took up residence at Nibelheim, and opened something called a "capsule hotel", which essentially meant that a "room" consisted of a coffin-like tube, with television and radio built in. He continued sleeping in a coffin and going out during the day, and was continuously gifted with cloves of garlic. He was very happy in what he thought was a community that loved and appreciated him very much.

Marlene had gotten so used to living with Aeris's mother in Kalm that she didn't even recognize Bare-It when he came back...but was frightened by him. Regretfully, Bare-It had left his adopted daughter to her new life, and went on to start a new life of his own.

At this point in the story, Bare-It faltered.

"What is it, Bare-It?" demanded Tifa, "What's going on in your life?"

"Well," he said, "It's sort of embarassing..."

"Go on!" prompted Aeris.

"Er..." said Bare-It, "I'm in love, I guess. Me and Jehova...We're starting a nudist colony a little ways east of Junon."

"That's great!" exclaimed Tifa.

"What about you guys?" asked Bare-It, "What are you up to?"

"We're going into partnership with Robinett's Underwear Rental. We have some bitchin' sexy designs, and we think we can make a mint on them. The concept is amazing: It's like women's underwear...except for men!"

Bare-It looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Oh, I know, underwear's not your speed...but you did ask!"

"One other thing," Tifa added, "We had a blood test on Jackie, since we couldn't find any parents, and we got curious." Without a further word, she passed a plain, unmarked envelope to Bare-It.

Bare-It opened the envelope, and his eyes widened. Bare-It didn't shock easily. "Zack?" he muttered, "Zack has a son?"

At this point, Trent came back from the washroom, and the four of them adjourned to the porch of Villa Del Sol for some martinis and cheap scotch.

The End

Trent?

Yes, Aeris?

Do you ever wonder what the future has in store?

No. Who the hell cares?

Yeah. I guess you're right.

Trent?

What is it now, dear?

What's that thing on your face?

Thing? There's a thing on my face?

Yeah, it looks sort of diseased.

OH MY GOD, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME?

What's that I hear? Is someone wondering what the future has in store?

You're mean, Aeris.

Thanks.