Many thanks to Ann, who is becoming one of our Professional Bad Influences. She has a wonderful story called 'Fish' that explains what might have happened the night before on her site. *snickers gleefully*

Thanks to Ysabet for the title. Yet another one of our Professional Bad Influences. ^__^

Warnings for Drunk!Hakuba and induendo.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

by Icka! M. Chif

He could feel his pulse in his head. That was the first thing he was aware of when he woke up. And it wasn't just the mild comforting throb of blood and oxygen going to the grey matter that he could feel.

No, this was someone taking giant cymbals, like one of those stupid wind-up monkeys and banging them on his brain with every beat of his heart.

He was also slightly damp, he noticed. And the blankets were wrapped around him rather uncomfortably. And he was sore all over. What had been doing?

The annoying sound of running water was making him want to use the toilet, except he didn't think he could currently get up right. If the world was pounding this bad while he was laying down, he didn't want to think how bad it would be if he stood up.

No... he was much more content just to lay here and look at the imprint on the other pillow while his detective skills mutely informed him that he was missing something quite obvious.

Something that he should be remembering.

Something that had to do with why he was missing his shirt...

The sound of water cut off and he was mildly grateful for the lack of noise.

There was blissful silence for a little while, and he dozed a bit, blissfully numb in the grey zone of not awake / not asleep, just listening to the pounding of his heart.

Then Kuroba Kaito walked into his bedroom, wearing what appeared to be nothing but a half-tied bathrobe and a towel on his head.

Hakuba Saguru went from lying down and nearly asleep to sitting up and jarringly awake in 0.3 seconds.

And immediately wished he hadn't because it brought the cymbal banging monkeys back, although the adrenaline rush kept them from being unbearable.

Kuroba pulled the towel off his head and glanced over. "Ah. You're awake."

He simply mutely stared back, trying to put the puzzled pieces together of what had happened last night. Which would have worked better if he could remember.

And the facts he had to work with were not lining up correctly.

1: Kuroba was here. In his bedroom. Wearing his bathrobe.

That in and of itself was disturbing.

2: There was a slight imprint of where someone had slept in the bed next to him, meaning that someone had been there up until recently.

Refer back to fact #1.

3: He was in his bed, wearing nothing but his boxers.

4: -Which were damp, like the rest of him and some rather large wet spots on the bed.

All these facts adding up to one possible conclusion to his fogged mind.

He was so very very screwed.

Kuroba moved the desk chair way from the desk and closer to the bed before calmly sitting down, tucking the bath robe around him and crossing his arms across his chest. "What do you remember of last night?"

Hakuba rubbed his head. That was not a good question. "A.. uh..." His throat and mouth were fuzzy, it was hard to speak.

Kuroba sighed. "There's a glass of water next to you." He informed him, not unkindly. "And there's a couple of painkillers from your medicine cabinet beside them."

"'anks." He spotted them on the bedstead and quickly gulped both down despite his unsteady hands. Why was he so sore anyway?

He could remember snatches of a Kid heist last night, and of a celebration. That was right... they had gotten the jewel back from Kid, which counted as a victory for the Kaito Kid division. There had been lots of shouting and a general party... But he couldn't remember anything past that.

He couldn't... he wouldn't have... would he?

"What did I do?" He croaked, a very unsettling feeling settling in the pit of his gut that had nothing to do with any possible contents in it.

"Before or after the fish?" Kuroba growled.

That was a blank. "Fish?"

"Yes. It's still swimming laps around in the toilet bowl where you left it. How it's still alive is beyond me." The darker haired teen grumped. "YOU'RE gonna have to deal with it, I'm not getting anywhere near it."

O... kay... "Start at the beginning?" He asked beginning to feel very foolish. "After the party?"

"The party." Kuroba said carefully. "Aoko and I went to the station to escort her father back home, and discovered that someone had been giving you some of the alcoholic stuff, instead of the non-alcoholic, which you probably drank because you're too polite to refuse."

He cleared his throat. "Actually, I only drink tea at the Task Force celebrations." He did not want to end up looking like a loon, unlike some of the others.

"Then someone must have given you a Long Island Iced Tea. I've seen the aftermath of those parties, and it's not always pretty." Kuroba grumped. Probably either with Aoko taking care of her father, or as part of surveillance for the Kid, Hakuba absently noted. Kuroba continued, looking surly. "And being the nice guy that I am, I got volunteered to bring you home safely."

He got the feeling that somehow that involved one Nakamori Aoko and some wheedling on her part. Or at least glares. It was amazing how small a single look from the messy-haired girl could make you feel.

He also didn't feel too bad for the magician, because not even the mighty broom of Aoko could make him do something he didn't want to. Therefore this was probably an exaggeration on the Kuroba's part. He was a performer after all.

Kuroba continued. "So off we went on our merry way to your house when you started singing what appeared to be Dirty Drinking Songs. In English. And your accent kept getting thicker the more you sang. That wasn't so bad. Then you decided to translate them, while drunk, into Japanese so that I could sing along."

The magician leaned forward, a dangerous gleam in his eyes. "I don't care how rosy and lovely her knees might be, I'm -not- going to sing about a mermaid's sister with the top half of a fish and the bottom half of a girl."

Hakuba found himself sweatdropping, wondering about what other songs he had been singing. And if Kuroba had understood any of them. The idea of teaching someone who was the Kaitou Kid dirty pub songs was unsettling, to say the least.

"Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case may be," Kuroba continued, leaning back in the chair again "You stopped for a while in favour of trying to steal a traffic cone."


"Yes. A traffic cone. One of those glowing red cones from a construction area." Kuroba crossed his arms, looking like he was trying to cover up a snicker with a grumpy facade. "Evidently you wanted to wear it on your head and be crowned 'King of the Mushroom People'."

Too many faerie tales when he was younger, Hakuba mused.

"I talked you out of that, your deduction skills are -severely- lacking when drunk, I might add. But at least you don't start laughing non-stop like Nakamori-san does occasionally. Aoko just gets hyper and thinks she can play the piano, by the way."

"Oh... kay..." He wasn't quite sure what to do with that information, but obviously Kuroba had had his share of dealing with drunk people.

"Unfortunately, after I talked you out of stealing the traffic cone, you decided to 'hop the pond' and went for a swim. I'm not going to

get into all the messy details on that one, but needless to say, there were fish."

"... one of which is now in the toilet bowl..." He ventured.

Kuroba nodded. "Yup. I'm still not going anywhere near it."

"That's fine." He could deal with a fish in the toilet bowl. He was still having trouble with the Kuroba in his bedroom however.

"And I wouldn't be surprised if you're sore for the next couple of days, after attempting to wrestle the sea monster." The wild haired boy added nonchalantly. "You claimed that you won, but I'm pretty sure the big metal statue in the middle of the pond is ready for a re-match any time you feel up to it."

"Sea monster." He echoed dully. Just how big of an idiot had he made of himself last night? And in front of Kuroba no less! Jeez, could he have made a bigger arse of himself or what?

"Yup. Swore it chased you all the way from some Loch or something." Kuroba nodded cheerfully. "But fortunately all that wrestling seemed to wear you out and we made the rest of the trip back here in a what can be considered somewhat of a straight line. Y'know, as long as the artist of that line happens to be sloshed out of his gourd and standing on his head."

"Thank you for that sterling mental picture."

"Welcome!" Kuroba grinned way too cheekily. "I can draw you another!"

"Pass." He groaned, holding his head. "Did I do anything moronic once we got here?"

"Depends." Kuroba smirked. "Define 'moronic'."

"Uhhh... I'm not going to like this much, am I?"

"Probably not." The other boy nodded. "Sometimes I think that the world is against me because I can never seem to find a camera when you do stuff like this."

"Thank Heaven for small favours." He muttered.

Kuroba snickered. "Are you sure you want to know?"

"I'm probably going to regret this, but... yes." It was going to be like one of though annoying itches you couldn't scratch if he didn't. Better to get it out in the air, no matter how messy it was. Like popping a really irritated zit, leaving that gross filmy white residue all over the place, but then it was out in the open and you could deal with it.

The wild haired boy shrugged. "We got back here, and I tried to put you to bed. Only you sort of protested once I got your jacket off and tried to get you into pyjamas. Your shirts are so starched I don't see how you can move in them..." He trailed off, scratching his head in a nervous gesture.

"...." He somehow got the feeling that he was not going to like where this was going. "Protested?"

"Well, you had a wonderful bout of 'drunk logic' right about there and decided that if you weren't wearing a shirt, then neither was I."

Hakuba nearly fell out of the bed. "Wha-what?!"

"With your teeth."

He swore he could feel the blood drain first from his face, then right back into it. "Yo-you're kidding."

"Yup!" Kuroba burst into peals of laughter, falling out of the chair as he rolled with mirth.

Hakuba buried his face in his hand. "I'd hit you if I could muster the energy to get out of bed." He muttered.

Kuroba's howls grew louder. "And this... ha-ha! is why I wish for hee! A camera! BWHAHAHAHAhahahahaa!! PRICELESS!!!"

"You do realise just how much I hate you."

The magician burst into fresh peals of laughter as he rolled on the ground laughing.

Hakuba waited stone-facially for the laughter to die down. Obviously by Kuroba's response he had been fibbing about some part of the tale.

Finally Kuroba died down to a muted snickering, half sitting up by virtue of one arm hooked on the seat of the desk chair. "Sorry, sorry, the look on your face... hee hee!!!"

He glared back. "Not amusing Kuroba."

"Okay, okay.." Kuroba's snickering faded out, leaving that damn grin on his face. "I was kidding about the teeth thing. But you did manage to wrestle off my shirt and one sock, which you declared to be the perfect nose warmer for Sir Stinky. Where is the stuffed elephant anyway?"

"Somewhere safe." And away from Kuroba's hands. He didn't want to think what would happen if Kuroba ever got a hold of the plushie. "What happened after that?"

Kuroba gave a lazy shrug. "Managed to wrestle you to bed about the time you finally crashed and you grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go. Muttered that you finally caught the Kid before you passed out for good. And then you Wouldn't Let Go. Got a really good grip on you when you're drunk. The choice was either dislocating my arm, dislocating your arm or just staying put."

"I take it you eventually fell asleep on the bed as well and just spent the night." He mused, putting the pieces together.

"Yup!" Kuroba nodded.

"Then why is the bed damp?"

"Laundry. Got your wet clothes off ya so you wouldn't get sick, but didn't get them very far. Hung them up in the bathroom before I took a shower."

"Ah." He nodded. "Thank you." He supposed this put him in the magician's debt now.

Kuroba waved it off. "Eh, don't worry about it." There was an un-spoken comment there, that Hakuba would do the same for him.

He refrained from answering, distracted by something he had just noticed. "Kuroba?"


"Are you wearing a pair of my boxers?"

Kuroba glanced down at the familiar looking plaid material that was peeking out of the bathrobe. "Erm, yeah." He nodded. "My clothes are still drying too."

"Right..." Hakuba nodded, feeling both vaguely disturbed and completely mortified at the same time. "I get the feeling I should be feeling relieved now." And yet somehow he wasn't.

"Why?" Kuroba grinned, his face lighting up in a way that just -screamed- devilment. "What did you think had happened when you first woke up?"


Now go read 'Fish' by Ann for an alternative take on what actually happened that night. *giggles*

Many thanks to Shingo (our bishy Cat-boy from the trip to Tokyo) for supplying inspiration for the last part! Yes, he did try removing shirts and other clothing while drunk with his teeth. We love him anyway. ((GLOMPS Shingo))

Kudos (not Shin'ichi) to anyone who got the mushroom and glowing cone references. If you don't get it, we're not explaining. And we still have no clue where that dang fish came from.

Yes, we did see glowing red cones in Japan, but they were bolted down, so we couldn't steal one. ^^;; Dangit.

The song Kaito refuses to sing comes from an Alex Beaton album called 'Daft Ditties', and is actually a Shel Silverstien poem called 'The Mermaid'. Check it out if you get a chance, is funny.

Many thanks to Jaelle for her fic of what would happen if Kaito ever did get his hands on Sir Stinky!!! *chortles* ^_^

ver. 1.3