I decided to return to this site, but only once in a while for one-shots at most until I get the rest of my life together (just for fun at most).
I may not continue "The Fleetarch Conundrum" because I lost my passion once I realised how ridiculous the premise really is, and how StC was a lot worse than I remember it (especially anyone but Sonic himself).
Any other way, this started off as a one-shot on Space Battles. I got inspired to write it after reading the "Dan Vs." crossover recently, and playing through the game again out of cinematic appeal, and realising that there's fun potential to be had here. It's lightning in a bottle really.
On with the Action:
[One Night on Staten Island, after a mission gone haywire (because the target was the nephew of a mob boss) out in the streets of said island; Moxxie, Millie and Blitzo are running away from an entire assortment of Mob Thugs, Lieutenants, Hit-men, Pizzeria owners, Taxi drivers and one pissed off Don who are actually able to weaken them with crosses and prayers (almost funny, I know).]
[before you ask, I know Staten Island was never on the map of the Game]
[After hiding out in an alleyway, they are immediately approached by a Black Muscle Car (the default Cerrano) who's smug smiling driver (T.K.) witnessed the whole thing, and offers them a ride.]
[He looks the same as in the games, but with more wrinkles, and grey hair since he's almost 60 by this time.]
T.K.: "I saw the whole thing, here at the T.K. Cab Company, we offer you a clean getaway for a 10% cut of your profits. No Tip Necessary."
[before Moxxie can get a word in about where they need to go, Blitzo cuts in]
Blitzo: "Listen here Cupcake. We've been doing this shit for years now. The last thing we need is to look pathetic by making a deal with a human in a cruel twist of norms. So you can just fuck off before I put two bullets in your ass."
[T.K.'s still smug and smiling in a relaxed position]
T.K.: "Have it your way."
[he drives off, and that's when Moxxie and Millie put their two cents in to this whole situation]
Moxxie: [arms crossed, a bit pissed] "Sometimes, you make me regret having this job. If it wasn't for the fact that we're getting paid with enough to last us well over 30 years each, I'd quit already!"
Blitzo: [annoyed, and not caring] "Oh, put a dick in it sissy."
Moxxie: [now almost shouting] "This could've been avoided, if you simply wore the anti-holy bracelet like I told you to! And shot the guy without stumbling due to dizziness caused by Holiness Poisoning!"
Blitzo: [also shouting up to his face] "Oh, you wish it was all me Mr. Kick-My-Feet while I'm aiming down my fucking sights!"
[now they're in a shoutfest, and Millie had it up to here with it]
Millie: SHUT IT! [they stopped, she has the same crossed arms, and slight anger] "I agree with Mox here Sir. Losing a little dignity is the short end of it for what we're getting paid. Besides... With our phones dead, how else are we going to get ah-ff this ah-land with no way to call Loona, and absolutely no way for her to track us because our powers are dampened thanks to this entire Ah-land getting covered by a Shield of the Mafia's Religious Ideologies!?"
Blitzo: [shrugging with one hand, a smile, and the other hand on his cheek, eyes closed] "Oh please Mills, I'll get us out of here faster than you can say..."
Millie: [pointing behind him in a panicked expression] "Look Out Beh-ah-nd You!"
[Blitzo gets shot through a kidney by their target himself. He looks like Joe Barbaro from Mafia II, but thinner, and with black aviators.]
Blitzo: [clutching his wound] "AAAAHHHHH! GOD FUCKING SHIT! IT BURNS! IT BURNS LIKE MY ASS ON TACO NIGHT!"
Target: [smirking with his gun up in one hand] "Ah, isn't that cute... The little devil cocksuckas think they can take out Luciano Roberto Stracciari. I'd ask you chumpz who put you up to this, but I think I'll leave the questionin' to the silva' bullets procured by my Padre's."
[Note: silver bullets don't actually specifically work against devils, any bullet will do (unless you're using an exterminator bullet, in which case you're just injuring them), they just think they do because they watch too many old movies, it's just another church scam]
[at this point, they're surrounded by all of the mobsters chasing them with various weapons pointed at them, all containing similar bullets to the one that pierced Blitzo]
Luciano: "Prendetevi cura di loro..." [Take them out...]
Moxxie, Millie Blitzo: [in unison, huddled together, whispering girlishly] "yipe..."
[pretty soon, that entire piece of ground in the alleyway is riddled with bullets in a big gust of smoke, once it goes away, there's nothing left of it but bullet holes and a smoking crater, that's when they notice the trio sneaking out of the alleyway on the other side]
Luciano: [immediately pointing and loudly ordering] "Non lasciarli sfuggire a te stupide merde!" [Don't let them get away you stupid shits!]
[that's when the trio disappears as soon as they get out of their field of vision when they cross the wall corner. The mobsters try going after them anyway, but little do they know that they're hiding under a sewer grate until they leave the area]
[as soon as it's quiet, they get out of the sewer hole hanging onto an injured (and still moping) Blitzo across both his hands, and they walk while carrying him slowly while thinking of a way to escape the city]
Moxxie: [a bit annoyed, but with a slightly lost look] "Now... we need to think of a way to get out of this shithole alive."
Blitzo: [still moping] "Well No Shit Ahab! I've got a fucking hole through my stomach! And I... [Millie puts her hand over his mouth] Mmph! Mmph! Mmph! Mmph!"
Millie: [finger on her lip, whispering] "Ssssshhhhh... You want them to find us again!?"
Moxxie: [rolling his eyes, now visibly upset, whispering] "Sometimes... I question the decisions I've made to get here."
[that's when they notice the same black muscle car parked right next to them, with the same guy inside playing on his smartphone with his feet up, they stop for a second, and before wondering how they ended up here, he rolls his window down]
T.K.: [still smug and smirking] "Aaaahhhhh, back so soon? I knew my charms would have you begging for my services..."
Blitzo: [regaining a bit of strength, looking him in the eyes] "Don't get smug with us you fucking hippie! We're still not budg-[Moxxie puts his hand over his mouth] Mmph! Mmph! Mmph! Mmph!"
Moxxie: [annoyed at Blitzo, deciding to pry in] "What he meant to say was... If you can get us off this island, preferably as far away as possible from the men who were chasing us, you'll get 10% of our profit."
Blitzo: [now fuming, still with Moxxie's hand over his mouth] "MMPH! MMPH! MMPH! MMPH! MMPH!"
T.K.: [now turning the ignition with the same smile] "Fine by me, just put him in the trunk. I just washed the seats."
Moxxie: [looking at Millie, both of them smiling] "Fine by us!"
Blitzo: [still fuming] "MMPH! MMPH! MMPH! MMPH! MMPH!"
[they tie him up, gag him, bandage his wound, and put him back while they sit in the back seat]
[before they enter the car, a mob goon notices them and screams]
Goon: "Li ho trovati! I found them! I found them!"
[Millie and Moxxie hop in the back seat, close the door and Moxxie immediately shouts]
Moxxie: [hands on front seats] "Drive! Drive! DRIVE!"
[that's when the tires screech, and the Cerrano launches even quicker than they can gather]
["Blondie - One Way Or Another" starts playing]
[At this point. It's one epic chase scene after another, while they keep shooting at them, T.K. dodges oncoming traffic with unparalleled precision while the cars that were chasing them crash into the traffic, he jumps over a lowered (and conveniently empty) car transporter across an entire jam, then he cuts through alleyways like he's driving through styrofoam, swerves a bus before it stops in the middle of the intersection, and the others crash into it]
[Moxxie and Millie are hanging onto each other in visible distress while Blitzo keeps shouting unintelligibly, they don't know what he's trying to shout about, and it's a good thing that they don't]
Millie: [opens her mouth first, in a low monotone] "Sweet Stunts in a Sweets Commercial... Ah've never seen driving like that..."
Moxxie: [mumbling nonsense with his hair raised up in shock] "Ebbebebebebebubububub..."
Millie: [starts shaking him, and slapping him] "Get a hold of yourself Sweetie!"
Moxxie: [now out of it, rubbing his cheeks in a monotone] "Thank you Honey... I... needed... that..."
T.K. [listening to this entire conversation while still focusing on driving] "I don't mean to cut your honeymoon short, but I suggest you strap on."
Moxxie: [looks at him a bit sarcastically] "Why!? Oh pray tell?"
T.K.: [announces with a grin] "Because you're about to experience a bit of CTOL."
[that's when they notice the train tracks, the train, and the pile of sand conveniently shaped into a ramp, he immediately jumps over]
Moxxie and Millie: [hanging onto each other] "AAAAHHHHH!"
[as soon as they cleanly land on the other side, they are immediate to voice their discontent]
Moxxie: [quick to shout his frustrations] "THAT WAS COMPLETELY RECKLESS! YOU NEARLY KILLED US!"
Millie: [starts of quiet and smiling, but devolves much of the same] "Now honey, Ah' love me a good thrill as much as the next gal. BUT SATAN ALMIGHTY, YOU'RE FUCKIN' INSANE!"
Blitzo: [bumped his head in the back] "Mmmmmmmmmph..."
T.K.: [his calm smugness can be a watch reminder at this point] "Now who said anything should be simple in a getaway? You just happened to run into the best Wheelman in New York."
Moxxie: [almost flareing] "NOW LISTEN HE-"
[The back (bulletproof) glass gets riddled in bullets, everyone ducks]
T.K.: "If you have time to complain about stupid nonsense, then take my rocket launcher hidden under the back seat, and make it easier for us by blowing these shitheads sky high!"
[Millie and Moxxie open the bottom they've been sitting on to find an abundance of hidden weaponry, ranging from all types from weakest to strongest, including ammo]
Moxxie: [fairly surprised] "Wow! This is some kind of arsenal!"
Millie: [also surprised] "You could start up a private army with this assort-ah-ment!"
T.K. [a slight bit raised up now] "Are you going to stroke me all day, or are you going to shoot?!"
[Slightly put off by his slight burst of anger, the couple are quick to open the sun roof and start shooting at them. Moxxie takes the Rifle, while Millie takes the Rocket Launcher. They clear up the entire street behind them before they are approached by a reinforced van with a mounted machine gun behind it]
Moxxie: [panicked] "Holy Cow!"
Millie: [also panicked] "Sweet Stars in the 5th Circle!"
Luciano: [over the loudspeaker in the van] "Let's see you whore-mongrels survive this!"
[The bullets don't penetrate the reinforced car, but Millie and Moxxie are forced to duck in order to avoid getting hit by the bullets]
Millie: [panicked, and annoyed] "Any ah-deas Mr. Driver Man!?"
[T.K. spots a dumpster with stacked planks on the side, and a slightly raised car overpass connecting the express-way to the Bayonne Bridge leading to Bayonne, New Jersey]
T.K.: [both hands on steering wheel] "Hang on kids! Papa's going hotdogging!"
Moxxie and Millie: [hanging onto each other] "AAAAHHHHH!"
[he lands smoothly on the road above while the mob takes the long way around to get to them]
Moxxie: [irritated beyond reasoning] "O.K., THIS IS GETTING ON MY LAST..."
[a bump launches him up, and makes his head hit the ceiling of the car]
T.K.: [back to being calm and collected] "Good news for everybody, we just got to get over the Bayonne Bridge, and we'll be in Jersey in no time."
Blitzo [his gag finally off, says clearly from the back] "You better be [gulp] right shithead... I've never been so... [gulp] fucking... car sick..."
[he can be heard tossing his cookies in the back while the Couple in front are in awkward distress, and T.K. a bit annoyed]
T.K.: [a bit serious now] "New terms for the deal. Pay for my car wash on top of our deal, and we can forget that ever happened."
Moxxie: [raising one hand, a bit distressed, low tone] Yeah, sure...
Millie: [the same] No arguments here...
[at this point, the truck approaches, and tries firing at them again while Luciano gets ready to shout]
Luciano: "You Muthafuckas will never get to Joy-sey if I can't help it!"
Moxxie: [now with a hand on his forehead, closed eyes] "O.K... We need to get rid of this guy right now!"
Millie: [crossed hands, a slightly angered, and sympathetic look] "I second that hon... [fingers on chin, looking up] But how?"
T.K.: [remembering his "emergency rations"] "I have a timed C4 at the bottom of my compartment, but it's going to be deducted from your cut."
Moxxie: [thinks for a second, when answers with crossed arms] "Fine, but only because we need to kill him anyway to get our Check!"
[both Moxxie and Millie pull it out from the bottom, and it looks like a Plastique Explosive Brick with a numeric keypad on it]
Millie: [a slight bit amazed] "Well teach me Math, and call me the Unabomber... This is purdy powerful!"
Moxxie: [breathing in and out in preparation] "You ready Honey?"
Millie: [smiling with a slightly excited expression] "Ready as Ah'll ever be!"
T.K.: "Get ready! They're about to reload!"
[as soon as the van starts to reload, Millie types in 10 seconds on the Pad, and they wait until the right moment to throw it over the sunroof]
[Millie throws it out, and it lands in front of the van, and before anyone can register in time, Luciano react first]
Luciano: "Oh shi..."
[10 minutes later, they already crossed the bridge, got off the overpass, parked next to the river, and are witnessing the smoke on the other side of the bridge with the sirens heard]
T.K.: [leaning on the hood, one hand on it, with a soda can in his other hand] "Now that was the most eventful job I've had in a while."
Moxxie: [sitting on the hood with Millie] "Same with us. And we fought Satan Worshipping Cannibals a while back..."
T.K.: [amused] Really Now? Did they have Barbara Streisand records?
[everyone laughs it out before a "whomp" is heard at the same time]
Millie: [getting out of her tears] "Speaking of Bitches, our ride's here!"
[Loona exits the portal in her typical goth dress, and her phone out.]
Loona: [looking a bit amused, but with a smile on her face as she only slightly loudly proclaims] "Hey guys! We just saw the whole thing on the news! That was beyond awesome! I really wish I was there!"
T.K. [intrigued by seeing an actual talking dog on two feet] "Well now I've seen everything..."
Loona: [looks down, and just notices that she forgot her disguise] Whoops!
[she snaps her finger, and turns into her pale human disguise for her ventures into the human world]
T.K. [still intrigues to see actual magic] "Apparently not..."
Loona: [still slightly smiling] "Whatever old man... [looks at the Cerrano] Nice car by the way... [pulls out a briefcase from the portal] Here's your 10%, along with [looks at phone] Bomb and Ammo expenses covered and [raises an eyebrow] Why Intense Dry Cleaning?"
T.K.: [points to the back of the car] "Open the trunk, and see for yourself!"
[Loona, ever so curious now, approaches the back, and opens the trunk to find an bruised moaning Blitzo covered in his own Lunch with that hole still in his chest]
Blitzo: [weak, dizzy, and looking like he's almost half dead] "Bleeurrrrgh-geeh-heeg..."
Loona: [drops her phone, grabs forehead with her other hand] "A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! [she rolls on the ground on the back, laughing in hysterics, now with both hands on her face, until tears start coming out] O-HO-HO-HO-OH MY GO-HOD! HA-HA-HA! THAT'S THE [inhales deeply, starts talking exhausted] The [gasp] The funniest [gasp] thing I've... [gasp] ever... [gasp] ever seen HA-HA-HA...
[now with hands on her knees, tears in her eyes, and a post laughter smile, Moxxie and Millie are gaping in shock by these never-before-displayed emotions while T.K. stands there neutrally sipping his can. Loona's quick to pick up her phone, and start immediately taking photos of him]
Loona: [excited, and frantic] "OH! This is sooo going on my Voxtagram! Hashtag Shitzo-phrenia (#Shitzophrenia)! HE-HE-HE-HE-HEH!
Moxxie: [first to recover] "So anyways... Before I see anything else that I'll probably regret seeing... [shakes his hand with T.K.] It was a pleasure doing business Mr... Ummmm..."
T.K.: [raises other hand up] "T.K. is just fine. I don't like to hand out my personal info during work hours."
Millie: [now also recovered] "That's almighty reasonable I would reckon."
T.K.: [now prepared to say something else] "In any case... If you weird people ever find yourselves needing a personal escort around New York City again [reaches into jacket, and pulls out a business card] Contact me at Ray's Autos with locations in New Jersey, Hunt's Point and La Guardia. My phone numbers and mail address are located on there. Just don't call me on the weekends.
Moxxie: [takes card, and isn't that surprised that the crazy driver owns a Custom Auto Shop Chain] "Why am I not that surprised?"
T.K.: [just finishing his soda, and throwing it in the nearest bin] "I get that a lot... [a short pause, and he puts his fingers on his chin] Which reminds me... [a snap, and he points his finger to the Imps] If you ever run into Ray down there, kick him in the nuts for me [as the Imp couple nod and say "Alright" with uncertainty, he stretches his hands out] Any other inquiries?"
Loona: [carrying a shit-faced shit-covered Blitzo to the portal across her shoulder] "Yeah... Do you do Custom Work for Vans?"
Blitzo: [trying to mutter something] "Bleegh"
T.K.: [willing to answer quickly] Sure... make an appointment, and we'll get back to you as fast as possible!
Loona: [raises other hand in a thumbs up, and a smile] "Nice..."
Moxxie: [who's annoyed, and doesn't want to keep stalling, pushes Loona into the portal] "Nice talk. But can we get going now!? I'm almost dead-beat tired for today, and I want to collect the reward A.S.A.P.!"
Millie: [last to enter] "Sorry about them, we've all had a long day. Have a nice one yourself sugar."
T.K.: [leaning on his hood] "Sure... Until next time."
[Millie waves, the portal closes, and T.K. gets back into the car to get away before the police catches onto him]
T.K.: [smirking as he's driving away] "I guess even after all this time, life can still be interesting... At least I know Hell won't be as hot as I thought it would be."
[He drives off to a panorama the Manhattan Skyline visible in the distance during the morning dawn in the background (with the Statue of Liberty on the left) while "Kaiser Chiefs - Oh My God" starts playing to the closing credits]
And that concludes my one-shot.
I expected it to be a lot shorter, but I got so deep into it, that I just had to finish it to the end.
As for the rest of me. I'm only planning on making one-shots like this at most when I feel like it. I have a lot of personal things to worry about.
Before you ask, you're free to use these as an idea for your own stories, so long as you ask, and credit me for the original first (it's not like I'm making money from this).
Give me an opinion, and potential things to improve...