DISCLAIMER: Satoshi Tajiri and Ken Sujimori invented these things. I'm just getting some kicks out of them.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you enjoy this foray into the slightly deranged. Let me tell you, it's not easy injecting Legendary Pokémon with personalities. This is also a gentle tease at the lousy character designs in the Ruby/Sapphire series. And if this in any way clashes with a TV show, comic or movie, I don't really care. Cheers.
The stone palace atop the mountain had stood for centuries. Nobody was quite sure who had originally built it or for what purpose, but the fortress had since become a sanctuary for any Pokémon with the designation of "Legendary". Amongst the marble columns and open parlors that seemed to welcome the sky itself cavorted Pokémon that any trainer worth his salt would hock his savings for a chance to encounter with a Master Ball.
In most respects, today was an average day for the massed Legends. Mew and Celebi were fluttering this way and that, giggling merrily at their own flightiness. Raikou, Entei and Suicune lounged on the floor, laughing over a private joke. Lugia and Ho-Oh perched on the roof discussing the vagaries of existence as Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres played idly with their elemental powers, heedless of the weather patterns they changed in the process. Most humans blamed this on a phenomenon called "El Niño". And lastly, Mewtwo sat in the middle of the room, holding his head and sighing at how utterly depressing his companions were. This scene played out every day with little variation, but today was a profound exception.
Articuno was the first to notice the intruder. "Hey, hey guys? Um, I th-think somebody's coming over here." the other birds turned their heads.
"Well, if it isn't Farfetch'd." Moltres sneered, squinting at the advancing figure on the horizon. "What's that little squab doing in this area?"
"Harumph! Intrusive fledgling." Zapdos sniffed. "I shall blast that idiotic little chick to kingdom come." He spread his wings and prepared a mighty Thunderbolt.
"Now wait, ah say, wait just a minute there, son." a voice boomed from above. All three of the conversing birds sighed as Ho-Oh thundered from his perch. "Now we all know that they wouldn't send that li'l feller over here if there wasn't somethin' important for us to know. Am ah right?"
"Yes, Ho-Oh." the birds chorused, disappointed disgust tingeing their voices.
A rippling flap of tiny wings sounded briefly, and the small Pokémon landed on the entryway to the palace. The entrance consisted of stone steps that may have led to a bridge at one point, but now extended a few meters from the entryway and ceased. "Whew." Farfetch'd muttered, wiping his brow with his omnipresent onion stalk. "Hey you guys!" he called, his voice echoing against the firm walls. "Esteemed Legends! I bring vital epistles for you." There was still no response. "Come on! Where are y…"
A snarl sounded in his ear and a gust of hot, thick air brushed against his tail feathers. Farfetch'd spun around and found himself face to face with Raikou. The massive thunder dog raised his upper lip, exposing fangs white as ivory and sharp as obsidian. "Well, looky here. It must be my birt'day. It ain't every day that lunch ends up delivered to my doorstep."
"R-Raikou, I-I'm sure we can be reasonable about this." Farfetch'd stammered. "After all, we are both sensitive, int-t-telligent creatures…"
"Sensitivity is for dental work, kid." Raikou growled. He opened his mighty jaws and clamped down on the tiny duck, trapping him completely within his mouth. Before he could swallow, however, his cheeks were grasped firmly. Raikou looked up to see his face held within the mighty wing of Lugia.
"Raikou, whatever am I going to do with you?" the elegant avian sighed.
"You could let me swallow!" Raikou protested, as well as his full mouth would allow.
"Raikou, I was hoping that your time with us would improve your manners. What possible excuse could you have for attempting to devour our visitor?" Lugia asked.
"I was hungry!" Raikou insisted. Farfetch'd's flailing and screams could faintly be heard from within his mouth.
"Yes. A metabolism such as yours must be frightfully difficult to maintain." Lugia pronounced, barely hiding his patronizing attitude. "But…" he then forcibly squeezed the dog's cheeks, causing Farfetch'd to squirt out of his mouth and into Lugia's other wing. "… you are to consult with me before attempting to eat one of our guests. Is that clear?"
"Bite my electric butt." Raikou hissed under his breath.
"What was that?" Lugia asked.
"Yes, sir." Raikou sighed.
"Ah, that's much better." Lugia smiled, rubbing his wing over Raikou's head. "Now, who's going to be a good doggy?"
"I am." Raikou muttered. That blasted bird did this to him every time.
"Very good." Lugia pronounced. "Now, run along now."
Raikou lowered his head and trudged back to his companions, growling curses under his breath. Not helping his rotten mood was the chortling of his friend Entei. "Yuk yuk yuk! Lugia shore showed you!" the fire dog drawled.
"Hey, wise guy. Look up." Raikou said, in a surprisingly calm tone. As soon as Entei obediently looked up, Raikou shot a bolt of lightning at an overhead stone in the ceiling, dislodging it and sending it crashing onto Entei's head with a pleasing clunk. Turning from his now unconscious comrade, Raikou make a warning growl at Suicune, who was feigning sleep. It was preferable to confronting Raikou in one of his moods.
"Now, for what reason would you possibly come all the way up here?" Lugia asked the small duck.
"Yeah, boy!" Ho-Oh piped up. "Spill, ah say, spill the legumes! Beans, that is."
"Well, I was sent up here by the big bosses with an important message for you." Farfetch'd explained. "There's some new Legends who want to live up here with you."
"What?!" the Legends chorused as one.
"It's true." Farfetch'd insisted. "They're from those new games. You know, the games none of us are in?"
"You had to rub it in." Raikou growled.
"Anyway, they'll be showing up today to check the place out, okay?" Farfetch'd asked.
"Well, thank the bosses for giving us adequate notice." Moltres growled.
"Hey, I came here as fast as I could." the smaller Pokémon protested as he turned to leave. "Just be ready for them, huh?" The small bird flapped his wings and departed.
"Yay! We get company!" Celebi cheered.
"Mewtwo, I want you to be on your best behavior." Mew chided. "I don't want you to do anything to embarrass us."
"Mother, I have no 'best behavior'!" Mewtwo insisted. "In case you happen to have forgotten, after I was ripped from your womb, I was genetically engineered to kill and destroy! I'm not your biscuits-and-tea kind of guy, understand?"
"Oh, Mewtwo." Mew giggled. "I think it's just because you're a big grump. That's what that mother-son therapy group said, shortly before you blew up their building. Besides…" she added, fluttering over and planting a kiss on her mortified offspring's cheek, "if you don't cheer up, you'll never meet a nice female and start creating some grandchildren for me."
"Mother, you know I can't create any children because…" Mewtwo's voice lowered. "I wasn't designed to."
"I think you just aren't trying." Mew insisted. "I almost thought it would work out with that Ditto."
Mewtwo fumed. "That Ditto was the biggest tramp in the…" He trailed off as the sky darkened and a low rumble stirred in the atmosphere.
"Whee! Our company's here!" Celebi squealed.
The Legends gathered at the veranda, watching for some sign of their anticipated guests. Suddenly, three forms fell from the sky, landing with concussive crashes on the stone steps. They resembled truncated cones, with rudimentary shapes forming crude arms and legs. They had no faces, but a series of shining points flashed on their surfaces. Turning toward the birds, dogs, cats and vegetable, they spoke.
"Watch yerself, foo'! I'm Regirock!" Roared the first, smashing his stone fists together with a deafening crack.
"Hey, losers! I'm Regice!" sniveled the second. "And I don't care who I have to slap to show my authority, mister!"
"Processing…" droned the third. "I am Registeel."
"Are they kidding?" Moltres whispered.
"Are they even alive?" Suicune countered.
It was then that the sleeping Entei awoke, none the worse for wear. Blinking his eyes, he studied the three new arrivals and barked for joy. "Oh boy, oh boy! Chew toys!" he howled in glee. Racing over, he scooped up Regice in his mouth, licking eagerly with his lolling tongue. "Tastes like snow cones!" he remarked.
Regice shrieked in agony as he began to melt in the dog's mouth. "Stop it, you big dummy! Stop it! That hurts! I bruise like a grape! Ow! Ow! Registeel, help!"
Entei suddenly found himself face to face with the metallic monolith. He opened his mouth to pant in delight, letting a much-depleted Regice fall to the floor. The iron sentinel glared. "Terminate."
"Nope, that's not my name." Entei laughed. Unfortunately, his laugh was accompanied by a burst of intense flame that engulfed his opponent.
"Fatal error! Fatal error!" Registeel groaned as he shuddered and crashed to the floor. "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, contact your product vendor…"
"Aw, that wasn't very fun." Entei sighed, not noticing the stone fist aimed at his head.
"I'm gonna git you, sucka." Regirock growled. His punch, however, was blocked. "What the…" Regirock asked, looking up to see the shimmering blue dog that was growling at him.
"You have a problem with him, you have a problem with me." Suicune snarled. Before Regirock could react, a forceful Hydro Pump erupted in his face, sending him sprawling.
"So why don't I cool you guys off." Moltres quipped, flapping his wings to create a furious gust of wind that blew the three forms off of the steps and into the gully far, far below.
"Aw, the company left." Celebi sighed.
"Good riddance, if you ask me." Zapdos huffed. "Such gall for such weak individuals. They dare to call themselves Legends?"
Two howls, in perfect stereo, cut through the conversation as two shimmering white forms appeared over the horizon. "Fresh meat." growled Raikou.
The Pokémon watched as the two flying arrivals came into clear view. "Hey, Lugia." Articuno remarked. "They look a lot like you."
Lugia's gentleman's veneer dropped momentarily. "I've told you! I've told you all! I have no children! They're all liars! Liars, you hear?"
Hearing this, the two birds landed on the step. "Whoa. Dude." the one with the blue markings remarked. "Chill out. You're like, popping blood vessels and junk."
"Like, totally." chirped the one with the pink markings. "Your aura is like so totally icky!"
"Now who, ah say, who do you young 'uns say you are?" Ho-Oh asked.
"I'm Latios!" announced the blue one.
"And I'm Latias!" squealed the pink one.
"The reason she's so cute is because she's, like, my twin sister." Latios explained.
"Well, it's a shame that neither of you can conduct yourselves like intelligent individuals." Lugia muttered, regaining his composure.
"Whoa. Those are like, big words, dude." Latios said, laughing stupidly.
"Like yeah!" Latias piped up. "But that doesn't matter 'cuz we could totally kick those two old farts in a two-on-two battle!"
"Uh, yeah. Totally." Latios drawled. "We'd, like, dominate and junk."
"Are you challenging us?" Lugia asked.
"Duh!" Latias giggled. "Like, why not, right?"
"All right, you two." Ho-Oh announced. "We're gonna teach, ah say, teach you kids a lesson. The hard way, that is."
The four birds got into position. Latias and Latios winked at each other. "Twin power!" They cheered, and they began to glow as they boosted each other's abilities to the maximum…
…Which was cut short rapidly as a massive column of Sacred Fire descended from the heavens, blasting the twins and knocking them to the ground, blackened and dazed.
"Whoa." Latios muttered.
"Like, that hurt!" Latias whined.
"What made you think you could take either of us on, let alone both of us?" Lugia asked.
"I know kung-fu…" Latios whispered.
"Amateurs." Lugia sighed as he summoned an Aeroblast, blowing the twins off the steps and over the horizon.
An ululating cry signaled the arrival of the next Legend. The occupants watched as a flying killer whale glided into view, its wings appeared to have been designed by Native American artists. Not a sound was heard until the whale hovered to a stop, staring at his hosts. And then, the watching Legendary Pokémon erupted as one into convulsive laughter. "What are you supposed to be?!" Raikou managed to choke out.
"Well, I'm Kyogre, I guess." the whale responded, sounding slightly hurt. "You guys didn't have to be all mean and laugh at me like that."
"Whatever you say, Free Willy." Moltres sneered. "Hey, Mewtwo. Speaking of which, lets hear that Michael Jackson imitation you did last New Year's."
"We've been over this before." Mewtwo growled. "I was not using proper judgment at the time."
"In layman's terms, that means you drank too much Berry Juice." Suicune snorted.
"Do you want me to have you fixed, stupid canine?" Mewtwo snarled.
"Guys? Um, I'm a Legend, you know." Kyogre interrupted, sounding very uncomfortable.
"Oh, really?" Articuno asked. "What can you do? It had better be better than what those idiotic twins did."
"Well, I don't like to show off, but I can do… this." Kyogre simpered. As he spoke, a few drops of water fell from the sky and landed on his back.
"What the heck was that?!" Moltres asked, the other Pokémon too incredulous to respond.
"I call it… Drizzle." Kyogre stated, proudly. "Pretty cool, huh? I mean, I can control the weather and stuff."
With a crackle and a roar, two bolts of lightning burst from the heavens, striking the whale fore and aft. With hurt look, the whale lost its altitude and plummeted out of sight. "Do you call that glorified spitting controlling the weather, you idiotic ichthyoid?" Zapdos asked, dusting off his wings, which still crackled and glowed. "That is what I call controlling the weather!"
"Yeah! Happy landings, blubber for brains!" Raikou shouted. "Bring on the next chump!"
It was not long before his challenge was answered. What sounded like a rock ballad thundered across the skies. The other Pokémon looked up in confusion. Suddenly, a voice, loud and clear, emanated from nowhere, proclaiming: "Ladies and gentleman! Please put your hands together for the one, the only, the Living Legend, the King of all Dragons, the love machine to all the ladies! Yes, prepare yourselves for… RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAYQUAAAAAAAAZZZZAAAAAAA!"
"Rayquaza?" Moltres whispered. "Didn't he pitch for the Chicago Bruins?"
A majestic dragon, scaly skin glistening like emeralds, wings flapping against the air, serpentine body twisted elegantly, dove into view. "Thank you, thank you!" he boomed to his hosts. "I'm so glad you all showed up to see me, but then again, I don't blame you. I'll be taking over this place now, as I'm sure you all know that you are inferior to me in every respect. But first, a song." he clutched a microphone, ridiculously, in his gnarled claws as he began to sing, music swelling in the background. "Ooooooh, my looooove, my darrrrling…. I hun-ger forrrr… yourrrr touch…"
The song ended abruptly when a beam of ice shot forth, neatly trapping the dragon within a glacial block, which crashed onto the stone steps. Even the music stopped. All heads turned toward Articuno, who was still ruffling his feathers. "Man, that was annoying." he spat. He then realized that everybody was staring at him, amazed that the meek bird had taken initiative. "He was butchering a classic!" Articuno insisted.
Suicune wandered over to the inert ice block and peered at it curiously. Rayquaza was only able to stare back. The water dog put a paw against the ice and pushed slightly. The ice block teetered. Rayquaza swallowed uneasily and shook his head as well as he could. Suicune nodded, a look of mock resignation on his face. Another push and the ice block, Rayquaza inside, fell off of the steps and into the abyss. Suicune suddenly jumped back, artificial horror on his face. "Did you see that? Muscle spasm. I should really see a doctor about that. I have no control at all."
"Yup, yup." Entei drawled. "I wonder if there's any more of them fellers left?"
A roar that appeared to rumble from the depths of hell was a prompt and very concise response. Onto the steps clawed a colossal beast, resembling nothing more than he did a cross between sandstone, a pachysephalosaurus, and, curiously, farm machinery. His eyes burned like embers as he howled another challenge. "Kneel, worms! I'm Groudon, and I don't take guff from nobody! Especially a bunch of stuffed-shirt petting-zoo rejects like you!" he growled, volcanic steam rising from his nostrils.
That he was knocked to the ground by what appeared to be a beam of pure energy interrupted his tirade rather unceremoniously. The beam coalesced to create the giggling forms of Mew and Celebi, who were in the middle of a friendly game of transdimensional tag. Oblivious to the blight they had cast on their visitor, the flighty pair shot through another rift in reality, knocking the mineralized beast over yet again.
Groudon heaved himself to his feet, causing tremors in the very foundations of the floor. "That's it! I'm gonna blow this place sky-high, and I don't care who gets in the way!"
"I hate to be pedantic, but, strictly speaking, this place already is "sky-high"." Lugia interrupted.
Groudon, losing the final vestiges of patience, not to mention civilization, rent the floor in two with a colossal cry, causing an Eruption the likes of which the world hadn't seen in millennia…
…Which was immediately negated when the beast's face was suddenly reunited with the floor. When the smoke, steam and ash had vanished, the massed Pokémon saw that Groudon had been pinned by an enraged Mewtwo, who was currently struggling to regain his elegant veneer. In was not an easy task, considering that his eyes were glowing a brilliant amethyst, his fists were clenched, his breathing was irregular, and the mother of all veins had become visible on his forehead. His massive foot was holding his opponent in position.
"I suppose you think you're having a bad day." Mewtwo growled. "Let me tell you about my day, all right? I'm a genetic mutant who was designed to kill and destroy, I have no emotions beyond festering rage, and I have a total lack of reproductive organs. As if that wasn't enough fun, I also end up with a reject from the David Lynch universe on my doorstep, threatening to kill me. Now, you are to never darken this place with your presence again, or I will get upset. And believe me, you don't want to see me upset. Got that, muddy?"
Groudon whimpered like a kicked puppy and nodded his head in response. "Now go." was Mewtwo's only farewell. Groudon, head down and tail between legs, shuffled towards the steps, spread his arms and flew back to whence he came. Unfortunately, it was only after he began to fly that he remembered that he was a Ground Pokémon. His thunderous impact with the distant ground could be heard some time later.
Mewtwo held his forehead in one hand and stroked, trying to soothe his throbbing migraine. "I'm getting too old for this." he grumbled. "I miss the good old days, back when I could demolish any opponent after using Amnesia three times. Now it seems that there's a new idiotic monster chewing on my leg every week." He sat down. "It's so terribly depressing."
"Aw, come on, you big grump, lighten up! It's a sunshine day!" Mew cheered. "Ho-Oh?"
"I've got you covered, missy." Ho-Oh crowed, flapping his wings and causing the sun to shine brightly and warmly. Upbeat music filled the air. Mewtwo staggered to his feet and stumbled off.
"Where are you going, Mewtwo?" Celebi asked.
"I'm going to go vomit on something." came the response. "I hate relentlessly happy endings."