(This is a work of fanfiction, Disney owns the Haunted Mansion.)

Horatio At Your Service

All they wanted was a nice, leisurely, Saturday morning...the sort of morning you could snuffle about in your slippers, and be bone-idle for a couple of hours.

Gus, Phineas, and Horatio had installed themselves early in the mansions kitchen, and were not-so-busily picking at scones, and having creamy tea in order to acclimate themselves to another workday.

Gus leaned sideways, peering down the hall of portraits, at Constance, who was pacing at the far end with her arms crossed.

"She's in a mood again," he said, righting himself, and picking at his breakfast.

"Well, she's at a loss, isn't she?" said Phineas. "Ghost Host sent her to an anger management course, and it's only made things worse."

"What happened to that nice young man who was working with her?" said Horatio, scanning his morning paper.

"Oh, he's fine..he's in Atlanta, as I understand," said Phineas.

"And Baton Rouge, and Lake Charles, and St. Gabriel.." snickered Horatios hatbox.

Horatio gave the box a cautionary stare. It zipped it.

Gus and Phineas sighed,

Horatio rolled his eyes, and rose, supported by his cane, "It's always down to me, isn't it?" he grumbled.

He walked purposefully down the hallway, and presented himself to Constance. He raised up a bit, and narrowed his eyes.

"Polycarbon axes are superior to forged steel," he declared.

Then he turned on his heel, and walked casually back to the kitchen, leaving Constance in a seething state.

He paused in the act of reseating himself, just as she erupted.

"HAS THE ENTIRE WORLD LOST ITS MIND?!" she bellowed. She then proceeded to have an animated confab with the Jack The Ripper portrait, who busily attempted to placate her, by declaring that some persons had no respect for tradition, while trying to secrete himself in the back corner of his frame.

"Now you dunnit," said Gus swinging back into his seat .

"Not at all," said Horatio, sipping his tea, "I've done her a good turn."

"How you recon that ?" asked the hatbox, "She's in a right state now."

Phineas smiled slyly in recognition. The portrait gallery was now abuzz with debate, Constance being the loudest of many.

"She's down there havin' fits," said Gus.

"Presicely," said Horatio, refilling his cup, "have you ever seen her otherwise?"

"Only when she's swinging an...oh," said Gus, looking to Phineas. "Boss said no swinging the axe around...so she's at a loose end."

"Horatio, in winding her up, has done her a service," smiled Phineas.

"Some folks ain't happy, 'less they're angry about sumfin'," said the hatbox, grinning widely.

Horatio gave it a little pat on its top. Everything was back to normal.