Love. Ahhhh, what a conundrum. What a puzzle. What a situation. What a pickle Draco Malfoy was in.

Draco Marie Malfoy was helplessly in love with the one, the only, the undoubtedly nerdy Hermione Granger. And he couldn't do a damned thing about it. She was beautiful. She was the stars and he was the moon. She was the flour and he was the water. She was the carbonated beverage and he was the ice. He cracked and melted at her touch, and she fizzed and tingled at his.

"Love.." he sighed and closed his newest edition of Hustler.


Hermione sat reading in the library.


Professor Snape couldn't help but notice the growing love between a certain Granger and a certain Malfoy. Feeling philanthropic, he devised a plan to bring the two together..


But as he nibbled on the last bit of his potato salad, a better plan came to mind. VERITASERUM! It was perfect. Then the two could admit their feelings for one another (finally, he thought, after being terribly obvious for the past five years) and hopefully have sex in the Prefect's Bathroom.

The greasy-haired professor smiled at fuzzy memories (literally fuzzy.. Snape was definitely a dog person, and what luck to be in the same year as a certain Animagus..) and dipped his fork into his fruit salad. Severus Snape liked salads. He also liked those little candy hearts on Valentine's Day.. you know, the ones with the words on them? But the purple ones didn't taste very good.. he liked the white ones better. Why couldn't they sell them every day, rather on just one day out of the year? They really were tasty. He liked them a lot. Really, he did.


Draco sat there in the classroom, quietly screaming for her touch and her caress. He loved her so very much. The way her soft, supple lips were slightly parted, the way her breath rose into the cold air of the dungeons, her soft and silky, bushy hair. It gave him quite a scare to know that he did actually care. He wondered what color of underwear she'd be wearing under there. And if she'd smell like strawberry or pear. He wondered what she looked like very bare, with her clothing barely there. But he didn't dare! It just wasn't fair.

"I wonder if she uses Nair.."

He sighed and retreated back to his lair.

Realizing that class was still in session, Draco turned around and sprinted back towards the classroom. NEVERTHELESS! The point was that something about Hermione made him feel so very poetic and free.

When he looked up from the glossy page of Penthouse he was looking at, he noticed that Professor Snape was giving him an odd gaze. He couldn't place it, but understood completely when Snape finished chewing on his pasta salad, smiled and said "Ms. Granger.. you will be working with Mr. Malfoy."


After hearing the deep rumble of Snape's voice say that she would be working with Malfoy, Hermione gasped in surprise and closed the book she was reading. After taking a quick glance from Snape's smirking face to Malfoy's impassive one, she shrugged and continued to read.


The Veritaserum burned his throat like every other shot of gin he'd taken before, and when he saw Hermione leaning her head back and letting out a sigh as she slammed the test tube down onto the counter, he knew that she was to be his forever.

"So Hermione -" but before he could get to the dirt, she interrupted him.

"Draco, don't try to use this situation to your advantage. I have nothing to hide."

"You.. you used my first name!"


"You must love me with an undeniable passion." He was hopeful..


"Let me word it better.. Hermione, do you love me with an undeniable passion?"

"No. Do you love me with an undeniable passion?"

"YES! Only the gods know my pain. Only they hear my heart screaming your name, begging for your presence. Oh, how I wish I could run my fingers through your soft brown hair and get lost in those deep tunnels of love that are your eyes. Hermione Oswald Granger, it is only I who can love you forever. I love you like the flower loves the rain, like the bear loves the honey, like the foot loves the gel insert. It is I-"

"Hey! Is that the newest edition of Penthouse?"


"Don't you just love this issue? That one blonde, Trixxxy Tramble.. she's really something, isn't she? Her favorite food is nachos and that's so strange, because that's my favorite food too!"

"YEAH! Trixxxy seems great. But my favorite was Caramel Cervantes. What a rack!"

"We sure do have a lot in common Draco, how 'bout we meet up sometime and have a few rounds of untamed, kinky sex? I've already got Dumbledore's approval to use the Prefect's Bathroom for my sexual encounters. What'd you say?"

"Definitely. See ya then."

And they all lived happily every after. THE END.