Prologue.


We had just failed at yet another quest. I was the only person to die, and Aqua was the predictable cause of it.

Due to her, I was trampled to death by horny lizards so they could protect their queen. Unsurprisingly, the reptiles share a lot in common with that Mitsurugi guy.

The only difference is that Aqua has the sheer narcissism to call herself a 'goddess', while the lizard is a lot more humble, stating no such thing.

Now my party was presumably blaming themself for my death.

Saying such things as; 'I-It w-was my fault, h-he died be-because of m-me'.

That's the obvious course of character development that they should go through.

...

When a minute goes by and I still hear no cry-out apology, I destroy my previous farfetched fantasy.

Is it so much to ask for a little care? Darkness can give me a suffocating affectionate hug in her giant assets like the big-sister archetype, while Megumin says the worried generic little-sister lines; 'Baka, stupid baka. H-how could y-you, be more careful!'

Then I would pat her head and give a cool speech about it 'not happening again'.

I stretch my back on the wooden chair.

They should really put more effort into something comfier. I have the extremely uncomfortable feeling of a spine bone touching the solid wood.

I guess since most people don't remember this part of the afterlife, they can afford to cut budgets. Plus, with Aqua as the previous head, they probably earned all of her debt, which is arguably her only talent, and now can only afford the bare minimum...

I just had a sudden overwhelming feeling to apologise, which would go against rational thought. Since I'm the unlucky soul, they dumped the women on, yet I can only feel comradery instead of anger.

Is this what a cool protagonist feels when he forgives the relatable enemy? I'm like an edgy but calm youth who understands the grey area that makes life.

"H-hey Kazuma, I, um? Could you maybe stop staring so intently at my face, p-please?"

Oops? I'm being reminded of my embarrassing time at High-School, I'm a very deep poetic person so I naturally get lost in thought. But for some unfair reason, they labelled me as a pervert who stares at girls while breathing intensely.

Eris stutters out the reasonable question. Being the only person I respect, I comply.

I make sure to get one final look before I reluctantly turn my eyes away. Living with literal trolls has objectively given me the right to a little eye candy.

At least in personality. Every time I start appreciating the atheistic beauty of my teammates I'm brought back to my shameful reality, with insults, arrogance or some lewd masochistic rant, destroying my earned viewing pleasure.

"Ah? Sorry, I was just lost in thought; thinking that even though I died, I still put down a few monsters that were causing harm, possibly saving lives. Laying down my life in our untamed work for the greater good... it is only natural after all. I'll do anything to see a child smile at their active and alive parents, that I ever so graciously saved."

I lie using a quote from some generic heroic protagonist, to which she gives an honest smile.

I ignore the guilt since in technicality it's true, i-it's most likely true!

"So, about the reincarnation, I earned due to trying my best in this awful world. Can I have an older step-sister that's open to the idea of a relationship, if possible I want her to have the cold but loving business style attitude? Preferably with a mature-like body and no weird masochistic kinks..."

I hastily change the subject.

"Eh? We-well, I can see..."

While Eris is obliging to my moderate request, she's rudely interrupted.

"Kazuma, Kazuma, your hastily put-together plan failed! Normally, even though your conniving and scummy schemes are a little unconventional, they surprisingly work, so I can overlook this rookie blunder, but you should think things through a little more."

Megumin says that hurtful sentence, predictably through her connection with Aqua.

"Oi! You had no complaints about my plan at the time. Aren't you supposed to be some kind of crimson demon brainiac, prodigy? You come up with a plan for once, instead of exploiting my goodwill and intelligence. The only reason it failed was because of Aqua's mental retardation."

"That's not true! Kazuma, Kazuma, you didn't explain it well enough! As the leader, you need to take responsibility for the full team. It's all on you."

Aqua feels the need to protect her nonexistent dignity with extremely unreasonable reasoning.

"If that insane logic is true, then as the debt, is your debt, you pay for every last cent."

"Th-that's not how it works! Since it's your money, I'm spending, it's your responsibility. Y-you have to take care of that as well."

"I refuse."

Is she incapable of taking care of herself?! I'm not some chump who spends a ridiculous amount of money for a chance at sex.

"You can't! Kazuma is scum, that says he believes in gender equality, yet he would do anything if a woman gives him an inch, so I may allow you to touch me if you're..."

The sad goddess offers her nasty ass body for monetary favours.

"Shut up! What kind of unreasonable and sex-driven person do you see me as?"

I may have brought up a similar line of thought earlier, b-but that was chastising the stated people.

Darkness decides that now is an opportune time to speak.

"It's true that all you can think about is your concerning sex drive, Kazuma, you're at an age where such feelings are natural, but you take your own lust too far. Maybe you should let some steam off with a few light exercises? We can start at a hundred push-ups and slowly raise the bar..."

"Oi, saying words like; 'concerning sex drive', and 'taking my lust too far'. Do you have any self-awareness? Sometimes I think Lalatina-Chan has less common sense than the water retard. And I ain't doing any exercise! You just want someone to share your guerrilla physique with, so you feel less like a freak."

I express my disagreement with her hypocrisy-filled statement.

And since when was a hundred push-ups considered 'light exercise'? Maybe this mashosist is becoming a sadist, or perhaps she wants me to gain a mashosist trait so she has someone to share her degenerate hobby with? Well, my brain would refuse such conditioning due to my staggeringly great common sense.

"Y-y-y-you! I-I-I'm... I'm just toned! Okay, toned! I don't share anything in common with such wild animals, okay? I simply have a regular exercise routine that would benefit Kazuma's emaciated form."

So rude.

And very delusional. I could cut rock with those rock-hard abbs. Many men have a fetish for a strong, tall woman crushing their nuts, ironically the complete opposite that Darkness seeks.

"I refuse."

I refuse again, for a second time.

"S-s-so suddenly!"

'So suddenly', acting like I'm not allowed to make a snap decision on nonsense. What a bitch.

You know what?

"That's it! I'm not going back. At first I was half-joking about ditching you degenerates but you're just too much! Eris, Eris, do the reincarnation thingy right now!"

"O-okay, B-but are you sure? Not many people get the chance to live multiple times in the same life."

She's so sweet. Asking what I want with such consideration, Eris is the perfect heroine!

"Eris, Eris! As your superior you better not do what the Neet says, he has to kill the Devil King! Kazuma, you brought me here so take responsibility for your creepy kidnapping actions!"

What is it with this woman and forced responsibility?!

"Oi, it's your fault in the first place! How many eager people did you send just for their lives to be ruined? Fix your own problem for once instead of relying on my intellect to carry your fat ass."

"Now, Eris, who is a much better goddess, send me to my new and improved life... also, could you maybe make me royalty, I think I earned it?"

I add more reasonable demands.

"Th-that may be stretching it... but..."

Eris, with a shaky smile, reluctantly nods as a response.

Ah? I didn't think it could actually happen. I was gonna go the offer route, and when Eris refused I'd bring it down to a noble, making my request seem less scummy.

But now, I'm gonna be a king! In fairness, I have accomplished more than what aristocrats normally do, such as Darkness whose only achievement is displaying her lewd body for 'involuntary' torture.

Eris's palms form a pure white looking type of magic, that gets drastically bigger by the second. She looks slightly strained from the act, with sweat covering her forehead.

"NO! I won't allow it, I won't allow it! This isn't fair, it's really not fair... n-now, Kazuma, can't we come to an agreement? I'll pay some of the debt! I-I'll earn tons o-of money from the undead?! I'll do anything! T-that doesn't mean I'll go along with any of your perverted fantasies, that you have obviously built while staying with such a beauty... but I-Ill..."

Aqua has a tantrum while Eris's magic lights up.

"Wasn't she gonna offer her body only moments ago? This woman is bound by no rational principles."

Megumin yet again shows off her surprising intelligence, with a well thought out and rational response.

"Kazuma, Kazuma, as a friend, crusader, and ally to Aqua, I'll take all of her debt. I have no such restrictions, you can use my body however you please, in fact, it would be my pleasure... You can even choke me while throwing insults, such as; 'Oi, Darkness 'oink' for me, show me how much you have fallen from a mighty crusader! You're my little pig slut!'"

At Darkness's plea, I throw up a little in my mouth.

This should be seen as workplace harassment... but society...

"FUFUFUFU! Society, it ways down on a man, after a long day of adventuring I can't help wondering... Darkness is seen as a lewd and slutty person yet no men call her scum, while I peek a little and all women hate me... Is this real society?"

I have such a cool speech about how much I'm beaten down...

I've had enough of the wrongful abuse I suffer at the hands of my female colleagues.

"Fufufufufu, see you never shitty-goddess, delusional explosion loli and slutty crusader, now my adventure truly begins! Without your horse-like weight holding my talented self back, I can truly spread my wings and soar to new heights!"

"Stop with that feminine shrieking Kazuma, it doesn't fit your malnourished form at all! He's gained too much self-worth, he's going insane! Kazuma should always have low self-esteem, otherwise, his degenerate side will take over. An-and didn't you stay in your room all day, like a shut-in? If anything, we've improved Kazuma who previously held no merit worth mentioning to society."

Aqua says such nonsense, with presumably a smug look.

"Y-you just said lots of extremely questionable things, but I can't ignore the self-worth comment."

...

I go ignored, promoting myself to ignore the false comment, anyway.

"T-this guy... you'll soar alright after I use one-thousand explosions on you. Are you too much of a coward to call me a 'loli' to my face? Making a last stand and insulting us when we can't even see you... D-don't you care that I'll miss you, do I mean that little to you?"

Megumin goes through the seven stages of grief, minus most of the seven.

"No, Megumin is correct, her unstable nature means me mentioning loli to her face is too risky. I refuse to make such a suicidal move. Perhaps the previous unenlightened me would have folded after the 'I'll miss you' comment, but you lost the right to be an effective Loli-Tsundere archetype around two minutes ago."

I thought of making a joke about her meaning 'that little' to everyone due to her diminutive height, but that may be going too far.

"Plus, with your diminutive height, you mean little to everyone."

I say it anyway.

I can almost hear her rage-filled expression.

"Oi, I'm not bound to your one-dimensional perverted view of women, I'm not gonna act flustered and call you a 'baka' or anything, I really will just cast an explosion, then have Aqua revive your burnt carcass... Where's your pride as a man? Ah, I forgot I'm talking to Kazutrash who has no such thing."

S-so unladylike...

And cold...

Megumin is very unreasonably angry in her tone.

"Yo-you didn't have to say it like fact! I-I'm fine with stating I have no pride, but when a female says it, I feel like I've lost in some way."

"What delusions are you talking about, there's nothing there to win in the first place? you're trash who has no concept of pride, you've proven that; with regular threatening of dropkicking the women you sexually harass on a constant basis."

M-mean...

And those women were asking for a little good ole steal, with their constant unfair and untrue mocking of my poor self.

"Reinforcing your tsundere stereotype doesn't mean I'll change my mind, now Eris do it! Send me away from these plebians."

I may have gotten a little egomaniac posh at the end of my sentence, which is surprisingly very easy to slip into, I must have royalty in my genes.

Which is good for my next life.

I shut my eyes in eager anticipation.

Ahhh, it feels pure and happy...

I can already feel myself turning into a pretty boy who has an abundance of funds. I'm gonna force maids into skimpy short outfits. I may even eat whipped cream from a beautiful woman of Russian descent's stomach. Finally, my long-awaited sex life will start!

While I bask in this delightful feeling, I'm suddenly hit with a wave of... something?

...

I-It, that? It kind of stings?

...

"ouch."

...

AHHHH! W-What's with this new horrid feeling?

"A-Aqua-Sama, d-don't!"

Eris says something cliche that hints at the reason for my extreme pain.

...


Ouch, the pain still stings...

Eh?

What the hell did that idiot do?

I feel a concrete-like texture below me. I'm making an educated guess this isn't the reincarnation I wanted...

Unless I was reborn from a Queen Drug-Addict, with my memories in full. Her life diminished to the point of homeless prostitution, where she inevitably gave birth to me outside of a run-down grocery store or something.

"I feel like someone dropped a truck on me." I groan out, my eyes not adjusted to the light yet.

Hmm, my voice sounds the same and works, I guess the reincarnation was botched. Aqua shouldn't have interrupted a professional, what a rookie mistake.

"In Kazuma's case, it would have been a tractor," Aqua said

Ah?

"It seems I brought a disease with me to my next life. I hope it doesn't spread to some innocent bystander, that would be truly horrid."

From my downed position I say this, my eyes still closed.

"What are you saying, what does that mean? I'm not stupid Kazuma, Megumin isn't a disease, she's your teammate, so stop bullying her! Do you get off on bullying little girls? That does seem like the case, with Kazuma who would step on a puppy's head for monetary gain."

Aqua despite saying she's not 'stupid', proves her stupidity.

I clearly meant her, only an idiot wouldn't see it... Unless, she's using Megumin as an insult shield, which is something admittedly, I'd do too.

"Oi, if you're gonna defend me from this psycho with little empathy, could you not insult me?"

Megumin proves the horrifying truth of being here too, with equally horrid insults.

"Ah, sorry, it's obvious that you wouldn't want to be Kazuma's teammate anymore. His actions are just too unforgivable."

I-I haven't even done anything!

Well, other than trying to ditch these insane wackjobs, but most reasonable people would jump at the same opportunity.

"I'm talking about the little girl remark! Just because I don't have two moon-sized tumours on my chest, doesn't mean I'm any less a woman than you."

"No, I'm talking about your extremely young age, your unimpressive flat chest has nothing to do with it."

Aqua states such things as deadpan-fact. I can't help but agree with her solid statement.

"I'll actually kill you..."

I hear Megumin jump on Aqua, she's making a rabid koala sound, or maybe some other small exotic animal with a violent personality.

Let's just ignore them. I haven't even opened my eyes yet and something bad is happening.

I reluctantly pry my orbs from my downed position. Light hits them in full, it's even worse for a Neet like myself who avoids sunlight.

The first thing my gaze locks onto is a perverted crusader, her crystal eyes wide open, and filled with lust. Darkness's breathing is hot and steamy, it's close enough that I can feel it pressed upon my cheeks.

"You're fantasizing about me doing questionable things to you, aren't you?" I said with little emotion.

"M'not." Darkness slurs out, disgusting.

"S-stop! Y-Y-You're a-a-actually c-choking m-me, I'll really die, I'm sorry Megumin-Sama, I'm sorry. Y-your flat chest is very robust and big, s-so stop already."

As expected of Aqua-Sama, that doesn't make sense.

I ignore Aqua's pitiful plea, while I strain a bit to get myself upward. The pain is a little more bearable. I start rubbing the dust and dirt off my person. I avoid any more eye contact with the panting Lalatina, who has a perverse blush.

'Fap'

'Fap'

'Fap'

When I attempt to cleanse myself I make such lewd noises, which could easily be misinterpreted by someone with a dirty mind.

"H-hey, while I may be busy with Aqua here, I can still hear what you're doing! Can you really not wait until later to do that repugnant act? If not, go do it with your 'guy friends', who constantly go to that suspicious looking-place, that leaves Kazuma with a disgustingly satisfied expression."

H-how did she know about the succubus shop? I guess even though she dresses and acts like that, she's actually quite smart.

Dirty-minded Megumin says such things.

"No, I'm merely cleaning myself, get your mind out the gutter. What a perverse thirteen-year-old, I can only assume the adult activities she's tried."

"Don't assume anything."

Megumin's tone comes out flat. She seems unimpressed, despite being the one who slandered me first.

"Eh? weren't we in a medieval fantasy? What's with this crime-drama looking ally."

Sure enough, Aqua's observation is right...

We're in a shady looking enclosed ally, it definitely belongs in the more dubious parts of Japan.

Did I get reversed isekai'ed? Doesn't that normally happen after the devil king, or whatever dies? Why does everything happen in non-chronological order?

While I'm having such annoyedly justified thoughts, I start hearing heavy breathing.

...

"Huuu, huuu, huuu." The breathing gets more disturbing by the second, it sounds very similar to a killer from numerous slasher films.

Ah? I feel a fight-or-flight scenario afoot...

A creepy atmosphere permeates us. Looking at Megumin shows she feels it too, with her red-eye shining brightly in a foreboding warning; her staff is out in a cautious sign.

Despite her chuunibyou tendencies, she can almost emulate something considering cool, but that image breaks once you realise that if she were to attempt protecting us we would be killed in a fiery explosion. Ultimately, her protecting us would be our untimely end.

How terrifying, an incompetent explosive-maniac.

"K-Kazuma? It seems that being in such close proximity to my vulnerable state has left your breathing shallow with lust. Y-you brutal man." Darkness spits out such nonsense; her still on the floor, with a mad blush.

"Shut up. I really do think you may be more of a moron than Aqua. Do you have a brain in that blonde-bimbo head, are you really so retarded?" I said.

"Kazuma is, for once, right. Even though he may normally spy on us with similar creepy breathing, it's not him. Really, Lalatina-Chan, read the room."

Aqua says with a fake air of knowing superiority.

I have never once had an urge to spy on Aqua's disgusting form. Such an act is unthinkable.

"A-Aqua's telling me to read the room... D-did I really mess up so bad?"

Darkness sounds horrified by the revelation, understandable.

"W-what, is this dark force?" Megumin interrupted in chuunibyou speak.

Suddenly, a large goop-like liquid starts seeping out the alley's dark wall.

It slowly starts developing in front of Megumin, who is slightly ahead of us, piling on each other in a sewage green mess.

"K-kids, ch-children. C-come here, I've got some gooey for you! K-kids love playing with gooey goo, right? Come here, children, we can make weird and wacky little slug gooey things, j-just touch my seeping goo."

T-that's not natural.

A figure fully forms from the goo. It looks much like an abomination from a B-rated horror, that flopped in the box offices.

It's even seeping.

"Ah? No thanks, I'm not into goo related things." I said.

My brain is working on a tilted level, causing me to banter with a presumable enemy, like a hot-blooded youth.

"Huh? What is Kazuma talking about, he always uses that goo-like liquid to do his 'fap', 'fap', 'fap'."

Aqua who only moments ago was talking about 'reading the room' said this.


Another day of Kacchan's reminder that I'm not hero material... I've gone against his power-based ideals for years, and yet, m-maybe he's right? Well, I don't need him to tell me that...

It's not a shattering revelation anymore, that I probably won't be a hero.

I look both ways before crossing the people-filled street, with no cars in sight. Basic health and safety procedures are something small, but every step should be heroic.

Even if it's little less than a pipe-dream... I have to try, it's what All Might would do. If I can't even hold my beliefs, then who am I to be a hero?

I clutch my treasured notebook tight to my chest.

I'll try...

I round a street corner to hide from the masses. I need to think...

...

I'm at a high disadvantage, but quirkless people can theoretically become heroes... My saving grace could be support gear but...

I've had this thought many times. I replay it over and look at the same situation from every angle.

While my mind is wandering, I unintentionally ventured into a dark alley...

The bricks are grey and overcast. A smell of death wades through my nose.

This place is a little dreary.

I-it's probably best to leave.

...

W-what?

I almost do a double-take at the startling image in front of me.

A group of cosplaying teens, mostly a little older than me, are being confronted by a mutation-type quirk person...

"GOO! Young children, take my goo, take it... It's yours!" That scream, it's deranged and terrifying.

I feel my eyes widen to their limit, with shock and panic, when the goop-like person grabs the youngest of the group, his arm extending in a vast ray of green liquid.

She wails around, her staff beating on him to no effect. I-it looks hopeless...

S-she's being smouldered! H-her face is being drowned by the sewage-like substance.

T-the girl's appearance... her red-ruby eyes are open and full of fear. I-I need to get a hero!

I-I would say his pores leak a thick mucus-like substance, that allows for various flexibility. Much like a liquid moves.

B-but how can that help?!

"Oi, leave Megumin alone, you creep. You went for the youngest? Are you a lolicon, and a lotion loving-Neet? Kazuma, this guy relates a lot to you. Maybe you can convince him how bad he's messing up?" The blue-haired girl says.

W-what? Her friend's dying, and she's saying this!

"Aren't you the apparent goddess of lotion?" The average-looking guy said.

"I-it's water, water!"

T-they should be getting help, why are they acting suicidal? Do they not understand the danger they're in?!

My legs can barely move from the fear... It's the scariest feeling I've had, but it pails in comparison to the shattering-like emotion of being diagnosed as quirkless.

And that girl... that girl's eyes. They look so scared.

I clench my hand, each of my fingers digging into my palm, almost drawing blood from the intensity.

Maybe because I need to be reminded of what a hero would do? Or maybe I'm getting influenced by clichés, it doesn't matter.

I'm gonna save her!

Before I can even process what I'm doing, I've already thrown my school bag with all the force I can manage at the villain.

"Huuu, hu?"

It just absorbs into his bulbous and watery frame when the impact lands, flowing into his gooey body, like quicksand.

He's momentarily stunned at my introduction, it's a small gap of time, but his confusion is obvious at my sudden appearance.

"ERRGH!"

I jump and yell with all my might, while I smash my fingers in his grey-cold eyes, the only part where the goo, is non-prevalent.

"OWWW! SHIT, FUCK! Y-YOU SUNNAVBITCH!"