A/N: Another story to blame on dear Ky, who requested "Sparrows In a Bright Place" way back . . . last week. ^_^;; I write too many one-shots. *must get a life!*

And yet again, Rin-chan proves that if her Naruto fic isn't going to be horribly heavy-handed and metaphorical, it'll be an insane and usually rather perverted spoof.

Yaoi and yuri and general hentai-talk. Also a little underage drinking (with adult supervision).



"Bedtime Stories"



"Now, children, time for bed!" Kakashi chirped, patting the nearest bedroll. "Let's get you all tucked in!"

"It's barely dark out!" Sakura complained. "God, doesn't he sound like somebody's fucking mom?" she demanded of their companions. Sasuke and Naruto both gave her dubious looks.

"And what, pray tell, makes you think that we would know?" Sasuke asked flatly as Naruto stuck his tongue out at her.

"Eh-heh." Sakura grinned weakly, scratching her nose. "Sorry, guys. Didn't think."

"As I was saying," Kakashi announced, picking both Sakura and Sasuke up by the backs of their shirts and dropping them on their bedrolls, "bedtime! Did everyone brush their teeth?"

"You've lost your mind," Naruto informed him bluntly as Sasuke glowered up at the teacher and Sakura suppressed an instinctive urge to agree with Naruto.

"Don't be silly." Kakashi scooped the blonde up in both arms and dropped him onto his own bedroll. "I've just misplaced it. It'll turn up eventually."

"Hey!" Naruto whined, rubbing his sore backside. "Bastard!"

"See? He's totally channeling a parent!" Sakura charged, pointing at Kakashi accusingly.

"Am I?" Kakashi asked, looking surprised. "Well, there's an idea! Very well, though- I will tuck you in, like a good papa!"

"Yow!" Naruto yelped as Kakashi swooped down on him and manhandled him into the sack, wrapping him up like an infant in swaddling clothes. "Asshole! Are you nuts?!" he screeched.

"Watch your mouth, Naruto-chan, or no ramen for supper tomorrow," Kakashi scolded.

"Oh, you did NOT just call me 'Naruto-CHAN'!" the blonde fumed, struggling to escape the bedroll.

"I was serious about the ramen, you know," Kakashi told him pointedly.

Naruto instantly wilted and burrowed back into his sleeping bag. "I'll be good, Otou-sama," he promised in a small voice.

"Pushover," Sasuke grumbled as Sakura muffled a giggle.

"Oh, shut up," Naruto growled, glaring at Sasuke.

"You two ought to get under the covers also," Kakashi advised, wagging a finger at them. "It'll be getting cold out soon."

"Don't tell me that," Sasuke said flatly. "I'm not an infant."

Kakashi turned around and expertly wrapped him up just as tightly as Naruto. "But you'll always be little Sasuke-chan to me!" he chirped sweetly, smiling down at the shocked boy and kissing his forehead.

"That is so not funny!" Sasuke yelled as his face turned bright red.

"Of course not, honey," Kakashi reassured him, setting him down next to Naruto and turning to Sakura. "Now, Sakura-chan . . . "

"Yeeeek!" she shrieked as the master ninja gleefully wrapped her up and dropped her beside Sasuke.

"Now then!" he exclaimed, clapping his hands together triumphantly. "Ish evewyone all snug as a bug inna wug?"

" . . . eh?" Naruto said blankly, unfamiliar with the concept of "baby talk." Sasuke just glowered at the man and Sakura sighed in exasperation.

"Good!" Kakashi beamed. "Sweet dreams, then!" He turned towards his own sleeping bag on the other side of the fire.

"Gee, no bedtime story, 'Otou-chan'?" Sasuke asked sarcastically.

"Oh?" Kakashi paused, a familiarly evil glint in his eye as he spun back around. "Silly me! What a terrible oversight on my part!" He grinned and promptly sat between Sasuke and Naruto, rummaging in his hip pack. "Hm, let's see, what DO I have to read . . .?"

Sasuke paled visibly. "I wasn't SERIOUS!" he yelped, already sensing the way this little fiasco was going.

"Here we go!" Kakashi exclaimed, brandishing Icha Icha Paradise in one hand. The other three screamed in a knee-jerk reaction of terror. "I knew you'd agree with my choice."

"You are NOT reading to us from that nasty book!" Naruto howled in dismay.

"Gather 'round so you can see all the pictures!" Kakashi instructed cheerfully, completing ignoring him. "Ahem. Once upon a time, the pretty, large-breasted protagonist said 'No, no, darling, not there-! Ohh! Ahh! Yes! Oh God, YES! Harder! Harder!' "

"I can feel my innocence slowly burning away," Sakura muttered darkly as Sasuke tactfully avoided looking at the book.

"That is so not physically possible!" Naruto protested, glaring at his teacher.

"I could demonstrate, but I'd need a partner and something tells me I'd get no volunteers," Kakashi replied. "Meanwhile, the Big Bad Lesbian was sneaking up from behind with a XXL size dildo and a bottle of baby oil, preparing to knock out our big- breasted heroine's One True Love and ravish her."

"Ewww!" Sakura squealed. "That is SO gross!" Meanwhile, Inner Sakura was wondering if Ino had any baby oil at her house, 'cause that looked kind of neat. Not, of course, that she LIKED her or anything. Ew no! She didn't like Ino-pig at all! Meanwhile, Sasuke pointedly ignored the impressive resemblance between the Big Bad Lesbian and the Ninja Centerfold.

Denial ain't just a river, by the way.

"Bor-ing." Naruto yawned. "No girl has an ass like that, real or otherwise."

"You do," Sasuke said flatly.

"Ew, you were LOOKING?!" Naruto demanded in disbelief, glaring at him.

"It was kind of hard to MISS!" he snapped, glaring right back.

"So Naruto doesn't like the pretty girls?" Kakashi tilted his head for a moment. "Hm. Well, we can skip ahead a bit, I guess." Sakura pouted as he flipped a few pages further in. "Ah, here we are. The Horny Gay Man is sneaking up from behind with a XXL size dildo and a bottle of baby oil, preparing to knock out our big-breasted heroine's One True Love and ravish HIM."

" . . . isn't that pretty much the same thing?" Sasuke asked suspiciously.

"How cute: Sasuke-chan swings both ways." Kakashi smiled sweetly at the brunet and patted his hair. "That leaves you with even MORE competition then, doesn't it, Sakura-chan?"

"Huh? What's that got to do with Ino?" she asked blankly; then turned bright red as the other three gave her odd looks. "Um. Let's all just pretend I didn't say that, okay?" she said weakly.

"Oh look, the Horny Gay Man just cornered our big-breasted heroine's One True Love in the back alley of a romantic restaurant!" Kakashi exclaimed. "And my oh my, look who's got a thong on! The heroine must be very pleased."

"Perv," Naruto mumbled, but peeked anyway.

"That is SO hot," Sakura gushed, leaning over Kakashi's shoulder. "Hey, Naruto, remember that time you kissed Sasuke- kun?"

"When you beat the shit out of me?" he asked dryly. "Yeah, I remember."

"Do it again and I'll buy you a bowl of ramen," she promised.

"Gah!" Sasuke choked, his eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"You want me to kiss that bastard for one lousy bowl of noodles?" Naruto repeated dubiously, giving her a disbelieving look. "You really think I'm that cheap, Sakura-chan?"

"Use tongue and I'll buy you two," she suggested with a wink.

"Really?" Naruto visibly perked up.

"You are NOT seriously considering that offer!" Sasuke hissed, giving him a panicky look.

"Well, no, of course not, I was just-" he started.

"Extra-large double porrrrk," Sakura cooed, fluttering her eyelashes.

"You're not helping!" Sasuke yelled as Naruto started to visibly drool. "Kakashi-sensei, make her stop!" he added in a slightly desperate tone.

"I have been temporarily struck both deaf and blind and would probably not notice anything of the outside world even if the people on either side of me, for example you and Naruto (who has been miraculously freed from his bedroll, by the way; isn't that odd!), might choose to molest each other," Kakashi informed the brunet innocently, turning another page in the book. "Oh look, the Big Bad Lesbian is back."

"Really?" Sasuke craned his neck to peek. "Geh," he squeaked, his eyes again doing their dinner-plate impression. Did we mention that the Big Bad Lesbian was molesting a girl who looked peculiarly like Sasuke might if he ever tried to master the Sexy no Jutsu?

'Three bowls,' Sakura mouthed while he was distracted.

Naruto grinned his usual crazy grin (Crazy? Yeah, baby- crazy like a FOX!) and rubbed his freed hands together. "Hey, Sasuke?" he prodded.

"Yeah, what?" the other replied distractedly, glancing back to him.

"Gotcha." Naruto leaned over Kakashi's legs and kissed the still wrapped-up Sasuke while Sakura and said "deaf and blind" Kakashi watched with mild interest.

"I'll throw in another bowl if your hands get busy," Sakura offered hopefully after a moment.

"Now, now, no sex on the teacher's lap," Kakashi scolded, waving his book between the two to break off the kiss. Naruto pulled away, grinning faintly and leaving Sasuke gasping for air.

"Oh shit," the brunet said in a small voice.

"So, did I do that right?" Naruto asked.

"Looked pretty damn good to me!" Sakura said enthusiastically as Kakashi flashed him a smile and a thumbs up. "But if you wanted to try again-"

"SAKURA!" Sasuke yelled, blushing furiously. "Quit it!"

"Oh, you KNOW you liked it," she said dismissively, waving him off.

"You are a bad influence," Sasuke accused, glaring at Kakashi, who just shrugged in reply. "Aren't you supposed to be taking care of us?"

"I'm supposed to get you to adulthood ALIVE, not uncorrupted," the teacher corrected. "Besides, Hokage-sama should be grateful that you're learning all this from me and not off the streets. Good Lord, can you imagine talking like this with Itachi or Gaara? Or Orochimaru- can't you picture that?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Sasuke retorted sourly, wincing at the mental image.

"I wonder if I have anything alcoholic in my bag," Kakashi mused suddenly.

"Do you?" Naruto snagged said bag and reached to unzip it.

"We aren't finding out!" Sasuke yelled.

"Whoo-hoo, sake!" Sakura cheered as she joined Naruto and pulled a bottle out of the backpack.

"Hey!" Sasuke complained, ignored as are all voices of reason. "When did YOU get untied?!"

"I'm a good girl," she retorted primly, sticking her tongue out at him. "I listen to my otou-san, so he doesn't HAVE to tie me up."

" . . . you're all insane," Sasuke said finally.

"Only a little bit." Naruto held his fingers about an inch apart, as if to demonstrate.

Sasuke huffed in irritation. "Oh, 'only,'" he drawled. "What a relief." Sakura held up four fingers and he paled instantly. "I'll be good," the brunet promised quickly.

"Damn." Sakura faked a pout. "And here I was hoping for some more boy-on-boy action."

"And I wanted shota," Kakashi added with a wistful sigh. "Shall we get back to the book, though? See, the Horny Gay Man and Big Bad Lesbian are joining forces with a Slutty Dominatrix Bisexual."

"This is the weirdest bedtime story EVER," Sakura muttered.

"Are you complaining?" Naruto blinked at her.

"Hell no!" she cried. "I only WISH my dad had read me stuff like this when I was a kid!"

Kakashi beamed at her. "My little girl is all grown up," he said affectionately, rubbing her head.

"Are you EVER going to untie me?" Sasuke demanded.

"I dunno, I kinda like you like this," Naruto told him frankly, poking the other's chest.

"Yay for bondage!" Sakura and Kakashi simultaneously cheered, both pumping a fist victoriously and taking a quick chug from the sake bottle.

"Perverts!" Sasuke hissed fiercely.

"We just think you're cute together," Kakashi reassured him, patting the boy's head and nearly losing a finger to his teeth. "Goodness, you ARE feisty tonight, Sasuke-chan. Maybe we should leave you alone with Naruto-chan to work off some of that extra energy."

"No way!" he shrieked in horror.

Naruto looked thoughtful. "How much ramen would I get for that?" he asked curiously. Sasuke twitched.

"You whore," he growled darkly.

"I like ramen," the other said defensively, burrowing back down into his sleeping bag.

"Enough to prostitute yourself for it?!" Sasuke demanded, voice shrill.

"It doesn't count as prostitution if Sakura-chan is the one paying," Kakashi corrected him. "It'd be more like porn, really, since he's gaining assets to commit sexual acts on another person than his employer."

"See, we never learned stuff like this in Iruka-sensei's class!" Naruto interjected eagerly.

"Wha' would Iruka-sensei even do if 'e caught us out 'ere like this?" Sakura wondered, voice slurring very slightly. Kakashi tactfully reclaimed the sake bottle from her.

"Probably rape and murder me," he said with a snicker, lowering his mask to drink.

"Really?" Naruto stole the bottle and took a quick sip himself. "Sucks to be you, then."

"Eh?" Kakashi gave the blond a blank look. Naruto grinned evilly. A moment later, Iruka appeared and hit his fellow educator upside the head.

"You idiot!" he yelled, snatching both Icha Icha Paradise and the sake bottle. "What in hell are you doing?!"

" . . . telling him the truth would probably be a bad idea, right?" Kakashi mused aloud.

"Only a little," Sasuke spat, glowering at him.

"Kakashi-sensei was reading us a bedtime story!" Naruto chirped brightly. "He tucked us in, too!"

"I can see that," Iruka replied dryly, eyeing the neatly swaddled and heavily sulking Sasuke.

"Don't mind 'im, 'e's just irritated that Naruto can't molest 'im anymore," Sakura informed him solemnly.

"I am not!" Sasuke shouted, blushing.

"Sakura, you're drunk!" Iruka exclaimed in horror, ignoring the boy. "Oh my GOD, what are we going to tell your parents?! They'll lynch us if you come home with a hangover tomorrow!"

"She hasn't had THAT much," Kakashi protested.

"You," Iruka growled, grabbing the other man by the front of his vest, "have been a very, very bad example."

"Does this mean I'm sleeping on the couch again?" Kakashi wondered worriedly.

"The COUCH?!" Iruka yelled. "You'll be out in the doghouse when I'm through with you, koibito!"

"Yes, dear," he said dutifully, hanging his head.

"Don't you "yes, dear" me!" Iruka fumed. "You bastard, I'll wring your neck for this!" He stormed out of the clearing, dragging a slightly panicked Kakashi behind him.

"But Iruka, I only-!"

"Shut up! Shameless, child-corrupting hentai!"

"Byeee, Kakashi-otousan!" Sakura called, waving slightly. "Byeee, Iruka-okaasan! Have fun!"

"Oh, I will," Iruka muttered with grim satisfaction. Kakashi yelped as the other twisted his ear. The other three watched them leave, at which point Sakura yawned and fell over, passing out pretty much instantly.

"Well, that was fun," Naruto said cheerfully. "Are all bedtime stories like that?"

"Only the really good ones," Sasuke replied with a slight shrug.

"Ah. Okay . . . hey, can I molest you even if I don't get ramen for it?"

" . . . sure, why not."




* fin *



. : don't let the bed bugs bite : .