Why is it when I try to write a zany humor thing, my life ends up reflecting my story? No, no cheese wheels of doom have attacked, nor have merry elves played pranks on me, and no, my hair is not purple. Would that it were just that. It's just that my life could be a sitcom right now. Every time I turn around, something bizarre happens. Like the middle aged twice divorced man that decided I was the "one." I wonder if he told his last two wives they were the one. My dogs tried to attack him. I was *this* close to letting them have at him, but decided I didn't want a lawsuit on my hands. Considering this guy's track record, I wouldn't have been surprised if he sued the "one." So, now, just like the last chapter, I am nursing a horrible throbbing nose because I tried to hold back two eighty pound dogs. They took me down the front porch steps and I managed to, once again, get knocked in the nose by the same dog. Then there was the whole car thing, the Izzy's incident, and the running-out-of-gas-how-am-I-going-to-get-home-from-here thing somewhere between Portland, OR and Tumwater, WA. I swear, the things I had to do to get enough gas to get home was nothing short of bizarre. I fell into a fountain in downtown. I tripped on the escalator at the mall. I banged my head on a bathroom stall door. I end up in a "conversation" with a woman who spoke only Italian. I speak English only - not for lack of studying other languages...It seemed very important to her. I hope I didn't steer her completely wrong...oh, bad thoughts...
I should give up humor fics. I just can't handle what happens when I do anything remotely funny.
By now you're wondering what is with this post, huh? Chapter three is actually in here somewhere. I suppose I could get to it, eh? You people are going to hate me if I don't stop talking and just get to the story.
C'mon people, it's a humor fic and I get a good laugh out of antagonizing you. That is, until you all come get me...
Here Cometh the Cheese
Disclaimer: I own no characters of Tolkien, and I make no profit. Fiwen and her orc of a brother, however, are mine. I make no profit from them, either. They are rather useless, but I like Fiwen.
Additional disclaimers: Once again, the author is not responsible for any damage caused by the forceful expulsion of half chewed food or drink. I would advise eating or drinking nothing while reading any chapter of "Here Cometh the Cheese." And, once again, I take no responsibility for stupid typos - I have my glasses off and I can't see the computer screen, and the keyboard is a tad fuzzy. Now, bad grammar, I'll take credit for...Just anything that can be attributed to not being able to see the computer, I won't be responsible for.
Summary: I have to do this again? If you don't know what its about by now, then I give up...
Estel. Prank playing. Master Cook. Cheese wheels of doom. Imladris-never the same. (Especially after the twins cook up their scheme...)
Chapter Three: The Conclusion
"You are mad."
Elrohir smirked. He held out the long black coat to Legolas. "Come on. Put it on."
Legolas sighed as he took the coat. "Estel is not this gullible." Elladan and Elrohir looked to each other and then to Legolas, brows raised. "Right," Legolas amended. "He is hunting cheese wheels intent on destroying Imladris."
"My dear friend," Elladan said archly, "if that is not gullible, I am an orc."
Legolas gave him a considering glance. "You look like one."
Legolas ducked as two sets of hands tried to cuff him. "What did I say to you?" he asked Elrohir.
"You insulted his looks. Twins, Legolas. We look alike." Elrohir shook his head. "I thought you intelligent." Legolas opened his mouth, but Elrohir cut him off. "Just put on the coat."
Legolas shrugged it on, frowning as the hem brushed the marble floor. "This is not me."
"Button it up."
Legolas rolled his eyes, but obeyed.
Elladan handed Elrohir a coat, and put one on himself. "Are we ready?"
Elrohir adjusted the lapels of his black knee length coat. "Oh, yes. This will be fun." He grinned. "Ada has the weapons?"
Estel gaped. He'd rounded a corner to find the three elves he'd been looking for coming down the hallway toward him. Legolas came to a stop, and the twins moved to flank him. They stood, arms crossed, each holding a sword unlike anything Estel had ever seen. Legolas held a light staff, nearly as long as he was tall. They were dressed all in black. The twins wore matching black coats that flared at their knees and black leggings and boots. Estel was so busy staring at his brothers' attire he almost didn't notice how Legolas was dressed.
He choked. He'd never seen his friend wear black, much less a floor length lightweight robe that buttoned all the way up the collar. Black leather gloves adorned his hands.
Elladan rolled his eyes. "We are hunting," he told Estel as they began walking again.
Elrohir held up the sword. "This? From Ada. From last time the cheese rolled. Serrated edges. It cuts cheese better."
"Oh," Estel said helplessly. "I can help."
Elladan snorted, somehow keeping Estel from hearing the amusement laced through it.
"What? You don't think I can help?" Estel's indignant voice rang out.
"Estel," Legolas interupted. "We know full well of your prowess as a warrior," here Legolas laid a hand on his shoulder, "but this is something that you have never faced. You must never underestimate the cheese."
The three elves brushed past him. Estel stopped them with a cry. "Legolas, what are you carrying?"
"A blow gun."
Suddenly, Legolas' eyes went wide as he looked beyond Estel. "Estel, duck," he cried as he brought up the blow gun. Estel didn't know whether to be alarmed or laugh as Legolas' cheeks puffed out as he brought the gun to his lips and blew. A dart whizzed through the air above Estel.
The twins glanced at each other and, in unison, brought their swords to bear. "Let's cut this cheese into such small pieces..."
"...it will look like string," Elrohir finished.
They ran forward, Legolas close behind. As they passed out of earshot around a corner, Elladan turned to Elrohir. "Stringed cheese?" he questioned. "Of all the idiotic things I've heard in the past two days, stringed cheese actually tops the list."
Legolas looked back at the wall the dart had hit. "I have horrible aim, " he commented."I almost hit Estel with the thing. Why do I get the blow gun? Why a blow gun?"
"It seemed perfectly incongruous at the time," Elrohir answered. "You two, to the garden. I'll find Ada."
Estel made his way back to his rooms. All of Imladris had gone insane.
Either that, or Estel himself was insane.
"It ends here," he said aloud, speaking to no one. He had to hear his own voice. It was the only thing that seemed sane. He rounded a corner, eyes ahead, almost missing the most important thing he might have seen all day.
A flash of purple barely registered as he walked past. A few steps later, he stopped and slowly turned around. "Fiwen?"
Fiwen froze and almost dropped the tray she held. Being dead did not get one out of one's duties. Her mouth opened and closed as Estel's face darkened angrily.
"I've been had."
Fiwen swallowed. She knew she was in trouble. So much trouble.
Estel grinned. Fiwen knew that look. That was the look orcs got before a particularly rousing fight.
"I have something for you to do, Fiwen."
Fiwen nodded. It was all she could manage at the time. Estel stepped close and whispered low. Before long, Fiwen smiled. It was a small, dubious smile. Playing tricks for revenge on Lord Elrond's son was one thing; trying to pull something over on Elrond himself was an entirely different story.
Estel found Elrond with no trouble. Elrond was speaking quietly with Elrohir when he heard the young man approaching. Quickly, he gestured for Elrohir to hide and turned to face the door just as Estel walked in.
Estel had a carefully schooled look of concern and grief plastered on his features. He dearly hoped Elrond would not see past it. "Ada, what is going on? I want the truth."
Elrond sighed. The truth would involve breaking a promise he made to the twins and Fiwen, but Estel had a rough enough two days to warrant it. The elder elf caught sight of Elrohir shaking his head vehemently. He sighed again. "I cannot tell you, Estel."
"Surely, you -"
"No. I am sorry."
Estel sighed. "Fine, then. I wanted to ask you about Fiwen's memorial service. When will it be planned?"
"I have not gotten to it yet, Estel."
"But, Ada, she -"
"When I have time, I will do it, Estel. I wish for Fiwen's memorial to be right, and what with all these other things demanding my attention, I haven't had a moment to appropriately plan."
"But, Ada -"
"If I have time, Estel, I will get to it. Be patient." Elrond hid a smile; he'd figured out what Estel was playing at the moment the human first spoke. Estel had never been able to hide his emotions from his Ada. Elrond glanced to where Elrohir was hidden. This could get interesting, indeed. Perhaps now was the time to turn the tables on the twins, Legolas and Fiwen for what they'd tried to do to Estel.
Estel glared at his father. Elrond's admonition to be patient was apparently lost on him, if the look on his face was any indication. "You are immortal, Ada. Surely you can find the time."
Elrond's face darkened. Estel was sure it was from anger at his outburst, but in truth, Elrond was dangerously close to laughing and spoiling the whole thing. After regaining his composure - during which time, Estel was sure he was nearing the end of his mortal life - Elrond spoke. "Are you a child or a man, Estel?"
Estel closed his eyes, thinking on all that had happened that day. With a long resigned sigh, he answered his father. "I am not sure. I am beginning to believe I am having a nightmare." He started walking away, almost in a daze. "None of this is happening. I just need to wake up. Just wake up, Estel."
Elrond could hear him walking down the hall, continuing to mutter about waking up. The elf lord smiled. "We have him," he told Elrohir, who was hiding in the shadows. Elrohir returned the grin as he stepped out of the shadows, still wearing the black coat he'd used earlier.
Elrond sighed. "Take that ridiculous thing off, Elrohir."
Elrohir held out his hands. "But, Ada, it is..." he trailed off, gesturing, not finding the words to describe the coat. "I like it."
Elrond rolled his eyes. "Ten minutes, then come to the Hall of Fire." With that, he left to find a purple haired she-Elf.
Estel didn't quite know how he'd managed to steal the cheese wheel. A small favor from Fiwen certainly helped by providing the Master Cook a distraction, but the cook was nothing if not perceptive. Estel carried the cheese wheel hidden under a cloak draped over his arm. According to Fiwen's orc of a brother (who had, miraculously, decided to help. Estel suspected a few harsh words from Fiwen caused that turnaround.) Elladan and Legolas were "hunting" in the garden.
Estel walked quickly and quietly, garnering a few looks from a few elves, but the antics of the sons of Elrond were well known and no one said anything. They'd already seen one of the twins and the prince of Mirkwood strolling through the garden dressed in ridiculous black coats. Watching the human son of the lord of Imladris stalk through the garden hiding something under a cloak was nothing new.
Estel found his quarry before they saw him. Trying hard to contain his laughter lest the elves pick up on him, he unwrapped the cheese and sent it rolling.
Elrohir did as told. He was a good elf that way. Very punctual. Fiwen and Elrond were never more pleased with him. The younger twin frowned when he found the door closed to the Hall of Fire - it was never closed, but he shrugged it off. Maybe Elrond needed to speak in private again.
He pushed the door open, heedless of anything but going inside the room. He caught sight of Elrond standing next to Fiwen, who was smiling dangerously before dark purple haze obscured his vision.
Sputtering, he wiped at his eyes to find Fiwen walking toward him. "Purple is a good color on you," she purred as she walked past.
Elrohir gaped, then turned his gaze to Elrond.
"You know, she is right," the elder elf said thoughtfully.
"Ada!" Elrohir choked. "Who?"
"I decided to get in on this prank playing. It looked like. Fiwen was more than happy to help." Elrond smiled. "This is as fun as it looked. You should wash up. You look as though paint has been dropped on you."
Elrond walked away, laughing.
Elladan and Legolas were walking along the pathway in the garden, really strolling aimlessly as they waited for Elrohir. The sooner the younger elf came and Estel followed, the sooner Legolas could get out of this ridiculous getup. Legolas adjusted the coat yet again, feeling chafed in the long coat.
"Where is Elrohir?" Elladan grumbled. "He's late."
Legolas shrugged. He twirled the idiotic blow gun in his hands. Elladan watched, uninterested, but with nothing else to do, until Legolas dropped the weapon. The blond elf stared, wide eyed down the path. Elladan, one brow raised, turned to face the direction Legolas was staring.
A cheese wheel was rolling down the pathway toward them.
It was coming right at them.
Legolas stepped to the side, half raising the blow gun. Elladan stepped to the other side, sword raised as the cheese rolled toward them. It continued to roll between them. They turned watching it continure down the pathway.
"What in the depth of Moria," Legolas said, "was that?"
Elladan swallowed. "A cheese wheel," he deadpanned.
Elladan shook his head. "Maybe we should -"
With that, both elves followed the cheese wheel, weapons at the ready.
Estel watched them go, hand over his mouth as he struggled to keep in the laughter. He'd have to tread lightly the next few days; revenge would be forthcoming. With a smile and a spring in his step, he turned back toward the house just in time to catch sight of Elrohir coming down the steps, hair purple and purple paint streaks all over the black coat.
Estel couldn't help it.
His laughter rang throughout the garden.
Three elves stopped what they were doing to turn in the direction of the sound. Without a word, they ran toward the young man, purple hair and coat flying and ridiculous weapons raised.
Estel turned on his heel and ran, already breathless from laughter. 'Isn't this how all this started?' he had time to think before the elves burst through the trees on his heels.
Hope you enjoyed the ride. I enjoyed writing it.