TITLE: Mr. Gordo Plays Matchmaker

AUTHOR: Spike Girl

PAIRING: Umm...yeah. Spike/Gordo. Spike/Buffy. And just a tad Spike/Buffy/Gordo. If you think that's weird? You should have stopped reading already :).

RATING: R (for sexual situations)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. If I did, Mr. Gordo would have been in way more episodes. Without Spike. Okay, maybe with Spike, but a fully CLOTHED Spike ;).

SUMMARY: Spike+Mr. Gordo=Together foreva.

FEEDBACK: Flames are welcome and appreciated. Especially on this fic, cause, dude. I suck. E-mail me at [email protected]

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you to Alex for assuring me I could post this and still show my face in public. And Sally for being a skankier whore than I am. This takes place during the season five episode "Shadow." The first one hundred words (the part before the asterisks) was written in response to a one hundred word challenge. I went further than that...


The door gave easily under his practiced hand, and Spike entered the Summers' residence. He shed the blanket and made his way to the Slayer's room.

Thongs. Very nice.

He pocketed a few nondescript pairs.

And the sweater? Buffy's scent lingered in every thread, and a mere breath of the soft material spelled instant erection.

A door slammed and he looked around desperately. After knocking over a lamp, Spike hit the mother lode.

The one thing in the room that carried more essence of Slayer than he ever thought possible.

The stuffed pig was carefully placed in his duster pocket.


Spike descended into the lower section of his crypt and listened carefully.


Despite the fact that it was broad daylight outside, Harmony was nowhere to be found. Thank God for that.

Maybe if he was lucky she forgot about the sun allergy and had one of her 'how does my hair look in this light' spells and did herself in.

Now *that* was a comforting thought.

Glancing around almost guiltily, Spike laid out the spoils of his earlier raid on the Slayer's room and began his surveillance.

Three pairs of thongs. One pink. One sparkly. One....transparent?

He cocked an eyebrow at the thought of the Slayer waltzing around in that little number. Oh, yeah.

The winner was pocketed and he moved on to the next round. Sweaters.

Blue cashmere easily beat frumpy pink cotton, so Spike quickly advanced to the final pile. The odds and ends he had managed to pocket. Some more photographs, a hairbrush, and...that little stuffed toy.

He lifted the pig up and stared into its beady black eyes intently. To think that Buffy, the *Slayer,* the girl who had done in more of his kind than any other before her, owned...this. Why, it was downright amusing.

Spike chuckled as he seated himself in his armchair. What was she doing with a pig of all animals, anyway? Didn't they have those teddy bear things any more? This pig was insufferable. It was so...pink. So...fuzzy. So....bloody adorable.

And he could have sworn it was staring at him.

The sweater was tossed aside as Spike decided to get a closer look at the pig. He took a quick sniff, followed by another. And another. There was no doubt about it. This little piggy was getting more Slayer action than he could ever hope for. Her scent oozed off of it in waves. It was almost as if Buffy were right there, in his crypt. The toy was magnificent. He could just imagine it all. The Slayer, coming home after a hard night's patrol, snuggling up with the little fellow...

Obviously, right after she had taken a shower. Water droplets glistening off of her beautifully toned body. She'd be naked, naturally...clutching the pig to her full breasts as she rolled around in bed to get comfortable...it'd rub right over her nipples, and they'd harden underneath it....

Spike shifted in his chair, suddenly aware of his raging erection. Great. Just bloody great. Not even playing with the Slayer's things for five minutes, and he was as hard as a rock.

God, he had it bad.

Still...the sweet essence that was the Slayer assaulted his nostrils. Spike placed the pig in his lap and gripped the arms of the chair, teeth clenched, trying to exert *some* amount of control over his body.

It just made things worse.

The slight weight right on top of his hard-on just made him hornier. He had half a mind to march right back to the Slayer's house, sunlight be damned, and convince her that the best course of action would be him shagging her right into the floor. For hours on end.

If he could get through the speech without her staking him first, he might have half a chance...

Spike sighed. Even if the Slayer wanted him the same way he wanted her, nothing would come of it. Not with her fawning over that poncy boyfriend of hers.

'Note to self,' he thought. 'Dig up some dirt on soldier boy.'

At this point, Spike's cock was throbbing so uncontrollably, he didn't think he could stand, much less walk over to Buffy's house anyway. Desperate times, desperate measures, and all that rot.

Resigned to the fact that a good wank was the closest he was going to get to Buffy, Spike unzipped his fly and freed his erection.

Before he could go so far as to wrap his hand around his shaft, his arm nudged the stuffed animal in his lap.

Right onto his cock.

Spike groaned at the contact. He moved the pig off, but in the process, caught a whiff of its delectable scent.

Shrugging, he lowered the animal once again. It was like electricity surged through his body the instant he made contact with it. Pre-cum seeped out of his pulsating head, and Spike could never remember feeling *this* aroused.

Not even that time Buffy was patrolling in a mini skirt and did a series of high kicks.

Slowly but steadily, Spike began to run the furry toy along his length. A convulsing shudder ran through his body with each movement.

The smell....the feel....it was all too much. Thanking whatever God possessed him to take the stuffed pig, Spike increased intensity of his ministrations. Instead of his calloused hand against flesh, as he was accustomed to on those lonely nights he dreamt about Buffy, he imagined soft skin, emitting that glorious scent, surrounding him.

Spike could see Buffy in his mind. Golden and beautiful, riding his cock like there was no tomorrow. Faster and faster, him pumping madly, her Slayer muscles going into overtime. The smell of her arousal was so thick in the air, so close to him, he could almost taste it. With one last mouthful of unneeded air to capture the scent that still lingered, Spike thrust himself as hard as he could into the pig. Thrust, thrust, thrust, and it was over. He chanted her name like a mantra.

"Buffy! Buffy, Buffy, BUFFY!"

With a howl, Spike came. He held back the animal and lazily pumped himself with his hand as he came down....

...from the most intense orgasm he had ever experienced.

He laid back on the chair, semi-hard dick in one hand, sex toy in the other.

"Spike? I was wondering if...."

Buffy closed the crypt door and blinked.

"Spike?" She asked in a tiny voice.

Too immersed in the afterglow to attempt a cover-up, Spike grinned at her, effecting casual. "Hey, pet. Looks like you just missed the show." His head motioned down to his fully exposed and rapidly hardening member. "Might be an encore performance, though."

Her mouth gaped open, and words failed her. She had just caught Spike...doing *that.*

Okay, she did it too, but never in broad....

Okay, she had just burst into his home, but how was she supposed to know? He was SPIKE. He was supposed to go out and do Harmony or any other vaguely female-shaped thing that moved. Spike didn't have to...masturbate.

Buffy emitted something akin to a squeak as she attempted to speak.

Spike's smirk grew. "Speechless, love? I tend to have that effect on people. If you'll just give me a second, you can tell me what was so important that you couldn't knock." He reached to his knees and began to pull his pants up when he dropped something.

Buffy screamed.

Spike lunged.



Eyes burning, Buffy reached down and picked up the oldest link to her childhood. The stuffed animal that her parents had given her for her first birthday.

The stuffed animal that was slightly damp and reeked of....

"Oh, no. No, no, no, no." Buffy shook her head in disbelief. "You didn't. You *couldn't.* You..."

Tossing the pig to the ground, she threw herself at Spike.

"You BASTARD! What the hell did you do? How the hell did you get that? What the hell did you do?"

"Actually, kitten, I think you already used that one...OUCH!" Spike hit the ground and his hand flew to his now-bleeding nose. "Buffy...Just let me explain..."

"EXPLAIN? What is there to explain? You're a freak! A sick, perverted freak!" Buffy cast sad eyes to the ground. In a shaky voice, she whispered, "and you raped Mr. Gordo."

Spike stared at her for a minute. When he saw she was serious, he began laughing uncontrollably.

"Spike? It's not funny! You just violated him. Took away all that was good and pure, and...what?"

Wiping tears from his eyes, Spike picked himself up and slowly approached Buffy.

"Look, pet. It was his time. Everyone has to learn sometime, and...better from me than a total stranger, right?"

Buffy sniffled and wiped tears from her eyes. "You are a stranger. He didn't know you."

Spike coughed in an attempt to choke back his laughter. "Believe me when I tell you, Buffy, that everything that happened was purely consensual."

She glared at him. "You're mocking me, aren't you?"

He smirked at her. "Course not, love. Where would you ever get that idea?"

With a growl, Buffy grabbed Mr. Gordo and turned to the door. "That's *it* Spike. I came here to thank you for...for what you did for me last night. I really just needed someone to listen. But this is the last straw. You stay away from me, and you stay *out* of my bedroom. Understood?"

Before she could reach the door, Spike latched on to Buffy's elbow. "Come on, Buffy. Don't leave like this..."

She spun around angrily. "Any last words, then?"

Spike nodded. "Your Mum. How did everything go today at the hospital?"

Buffy tried for a witty comeback, but ended up collapsing in his arms. "God, Spike. I'm so worried about her. I just feel so helpless, and I wish there was something I could do, but things just keep getting worse, and...."

"There, there, pet. No more tears, okay? Your Mum's a fighter. She's not going to take anything lying down." He gently brushed her hair back. "The best thing you can do for her is to be there. Let her know you care. I was plannin' on stopping by myself, but seeing as how I'm not welcome...send her my regards, will you?"

She froze. "Spike....I didn't..."

"Shh." He placed a finger over her lips. "I know, Buffy. It's okay. And...if it helps any, I'm sorry about the untimely de-virginizing of Mr. Gordo. I didn't mean to...you know."

A slight giggle escaped from Buffy. "The least you owe me is to tell me *why* exactly you..."

"I was lonely. Happy? No one but that bint Harmony has given me time for so long, and I just wanted..." He frowned. "Actually, I just wanted a few pairs of your knickers. The pig was an unexpected bonus."

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "You wanted my underwear?"

"Well...yeah. Bloke's got to get his rocks off somehow, and I just figured...

"You just figured what?" Buffy moved in closer, her warm breath rushing over his ear.

"I just figured that because I'm head over bloody heels in love with you, I should make it something of yours." The words came out rushed and desperate. "Harmony's knickers are everywhere, but.." His eyes widened. Immediately after the confession, Spike pulled away. "I'm sorry again. I wasn't...you weren't ever supposed to know."

"You what?" Buffy looked at him in disbelief.

He shrugged. "There's no way I'm getting out of this one anyway, so here goes. I love you, Buffy. I tried to fight it, tried to avoid it, but at the end of the day....you're the only one that I want. Hence the frolics with your little buddy here."

She crossed the distance between them in two steps and flung her arms around his neck. "God, I've been waiting to hear you say that."

Spike blinked. He told her he loved her. Check. He wasn't a big pile of dust. Check.


Buffy smiled coyly. "You see, I've been having these dreams about us."

"Me too. Where we fight..."

"And then make with the crazy naked sexcapades. I tried to deny it, too, but..." Buffy looked deep into Spike's eyes. "I think we're in the same boat. I love you, too."

The two of them stood that way for a while, savoring the moment.

"What was that about..."

"Crazy naked sexcapades?"

Spike nodded eagerly.

"Well...." Buffy moved her hands down his body until they were cupping his straining erection. "I was going to ask if you were up for them, but that's a given."

With a snarl, Spike had Buffy pinned to the ground. He made short work of her clothes and leaned back just to drink in the sight.

She was even more spectacular than he had imagined.

"My turn." With equal parts desperation and finesse, Buffy tore through Spike's T-shirt and jeans as if her very life depended on it. Her eyes were immediately glued to a certain part if his anatomy.

"And here I was, worrying that my dreams were being too generous, when it turns out the real thing comes in super-size."

Spike winked and pulled her close. "Thank you, Buffy."

"For saying you have a bi--Oh." She smiled and planted a heated kiss on his lips. "Don't mention it. Now where were we?"

"Close your eyes, pet."

Buffy complied. The next thing she knew, something gloriously soft was caressing the insides of her thighs.


A snout was shoved in her face. "Mr. Gordo feels comfortable enough with his sexuality now that he's ready to try a threesome."

The sound of Buffy's laughter filled the crypt. Of course, she soon switched to moans of pleasure, but that's beside the point.

Buffy, Spike, and Mr. Gordo all lived happily ever after in a healthy and monogamous relationship.