A/N:

Hey lovely readers!

- This is a little silly story that my bestie from afar, WhitlockMoon and I randomly came up with. It was really enjoyable and funny when we were texting back and forth, her in the role of Esme and I as the role of Carlisle. I wrote it down to share it with all of you. Hope you enjoy it.

- I'm not a perfect vampire, I am a human with dyslexia. I make spelling mistakes even though I try very hard not to.

- This is just fanfiction. If events in this story are not logical regarding male vampires or males in general, please don't read too much into it. It's meant to be comical and enjoyable. Happy reading. :)))

- Disclaimer: I do NOT own Twilight.

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Carlisle's POV

Forks, Washington 2003

In the Hospital cafeteria, chatter covers the room in waves that are out of sync. It's easy to get lost in the ocean of conversation when you have excellent hearing as I do. Out of politeness I try not to eavesdrop on the conversation about a rare diagnosis of a patient that's taking place from across the room. Instead, I try to focus on what's being said right in front of me at the table I'm sitting at.

"I turned around just for a minute and Franky," Maya - who sits across from me - laughs as she continues talking about her youngest son. "Had purple paint all over him, the table and our white poodle! Our poor poodle." She laughs again, shaking her head.

I laugh along with Gene and Terry while Nancy sits next to her, openly disapprovingly, like always. As Maya wraps up her little story Gene begins to lead the conversation with an interesting tale about his young daughter and her wanting to sue the Tooth Fairy. All because she didn't receive as much money as her friend did.

My co-workers that I sit with during lunch hour, one doctor besides me, (Gene) and three nurses (Maya Terry and Nancy) all have a couple things in common. Besides being new on the staff at Forks Hospital, all of us are young and all of us are parents.

The five of us usually spend our time in the cafeteria eating (well, I pretend to). While we share stories about our children. Of course, since I have the oldest children in the group, I opt out of the rather embarrassing nude stories that are fine to tell when you are the parents to a toddler who refuses to wear pants. Not so adorable when you pass by the kitchen, accidentally catching sight of two of your oldest children in a lewd act on the kitchen counter with a pound of butter. Yeah, those stories about Emmett and Rosalie no sane person would share or want to hear. I don't even wish to remember incidents such as those. But unfortunately, because of what I am, I have a photogenic memory and can't forget anything.

You see, my children are all teenagers - eternal teenagers. All five of my vampire children are adopted and none of them are related to each other. Also, none would be happy with me if I ever told even slightly embarrassing tales of them. Well, with the exception of Emmett. My oldest does not know the definition of embarrassment, never has. At times it's quite concerning.

I take a drink of my soda as the group conversation goes on around me. Terry is now talking.

"Last week Tina was sad when school started," Terry explains about his daughter who is in third grade. "But this week she's enjoying it. I'm glad she changed her mind about it, now each morning she can't wait to go."

"Sounds like my Alice." I chime in. I then pick up my hamburger, take a bite, chew and swallow. All the while knowing that I will have to regurgitate it later. "She wasn't wasn't too happy about school starting, either. She wasn't thrilled about going into the ninth grade. but now she, as well as my youngest son, Edward, who's also in the same grade are enjoying school now. well as the rest of my children."

"That's nice." Maya smiles.

Terry chuckles. "Funny how kids are."

I and the others at our table agree. Kids are funny with how they can suddenly change their mind about something they once disliked, then quickly act like they liked it all along. Over the decades I've seen that happen numerous times with all of my children.

As lunch goes on Gene begins telling the tale of his daughter's first day at preschool, that happened to be yesterday and how she reacted. With Nancy explaining something to Gene about how he should have handled the situation with his daughter differently. Even though Nancy has a lot to say on the topic of parenting, she is the newest and inexperienced parent at our table with a three month old baby at home. Yet, she believes she knows what's best for everyone's children.

While everyone is wrapped up in our lunchtime drama and I'm parenting to be, which serves as a good momentarily distraction from the stressful day at the hospital. My phone rings.

Conversation goes on around me as I take my phone out of my pocket and look at the number. It's Esme, my wife, calling me. Fearing something is wrong since she doesn't usually call me during work hours, I give a polite apology to my group and open up my phone. There's no need to leave the table, everyone here has taken a call from their spouse at one time or another during lunch.

"Hello?" I answer my phone in a clear tone as low conversation goes on around me.

"Oh good! Carlisle, you answered." Esme sounds relieved, yet out of sorts.

Her voice has me confused and fearing for the worse. "Is everything alright, dear?"

Concerned glances and low murmurs go around the table. I pay no mind to that. Pretending to be human I grab my cup and take a sip of my soda, waiting for my wife to answer my question.

"Um. . . . .Emm. . . .It's Edward." Esme stammers, sounding distraught. "He...um...he isn't well."

I can't quite figure out what exactly she means by "he isn't well". We are a family of vampires, we are unable to fall ill. But there's something in my wife's voice that has me fearing for the worst. A dozen possibilities of the worst-case scenarios begin running through my mind. All of these horrible ideas of what could happen have to do with bloodlust with a student or teacher.

"What do you mean Edward isn't well?" I speak into my phone. "Has he been harmed?" Or has he done something he shouldn't? I amend in my head.

I'm worried and my voice is louder than I intended, causing all conversation at my table to come to an end. All eyes are on me now. Too concerned with why my wife called, I ignore everyone's stares.

Esme is quiet for a long second. I hold my breath as I hear her sharply exhale.

"No?" She says it like a question.

I take a deep breath. Feeling very concerned for my first and youngest son and very troubled by my wife's behavior, I ignore everything around me while I wait for Esme, who has suddenly paused, to continue. She does not.

"Well?" I say into the phone after a while. "What's the matter with Edward? Can you please tell me?" I ask, puzzled.

"He came home early from school...and...he...um. . . .Well... he was covering himself." Esme lowers her voice at the end of her sentence. "Carlisle, you need to come home now. Edward... well...he...umm…" She lets her voice trail off at the end.

I know she was trying to explain the problem but she herself is a bit confused. Which has me more perplexed. I'm not sure if it's confusion on her part about the problem itself, or about how to explain it properly. But what she says doesn't really make any sense to me. I am now rubbing my forehead with my left hand, trying to piece together this strange puzzle.

"Covering himself?" I question, trying to picture my first and youngest son who is forever seventeen, walking around the house with a blanket over his body. Which would be odd behavior for Edward. "Dear, can you please explain more?"

I take another deep breath. I feel seven different kinds of confusion. I am not the only one, everyone at my table is listening to this very confusing call. They all look like they're trying to figure out what is going on but at the same time they are trying to be discreet about it while they eat their food.

"Covering…um...well, a midsection problem." Esme sighs, sounding rather embarrassed.

If that was supposed to clear up my confusion. It did not. I'm now more curious than ever.

Playing human, I take another drink of my soda and set it down. "Exactly what kind of a problem are we talking about?" Though I certainly don't mean to, I catch myself speaking in my professional doctor voice, as my children call it.

"A muscle tension problem?" She speaks the words uncomfortably and in the form of a question.

"A muscle tension problem?" I repeat her words. "Esme, you aren't making much sense." I admit, rubbing my forehead once more. I'm thrown off by this odd form of phone Charades. "May I please have more information? Please? It will allow me to provide a better diagnosis."

From across the table I see Nancy nudging Maya. "Oh look. He's in full doctor mode now." Is her snarky remark.

Maya doesn't say anything. She just shrugs and eats her hamburger.

"Being a doctor and a parent is a great benefit." Gene defends me.

I stop listening to what is being said around me. When I hear Esme let out an exaggerated sigh, I'm aware she wants off the phone, but curiosity and concern have a hold on me. I need to know what is going on with our son. I ask again.

"Ugh!" Esme groaned, a frustrated sound. "Damn it, Carlisle!" She says three octaves too loud. Everyone around me has heard her words and she's not even on speakerphone. "Edward is covering a tent with a math book. You know...a tent! He's panicking and wants to speak to you about this matter. Please come home."

"A tent?" I breathe the words, puzzled.

Giggles and laughter erupts. at my table. I have now finally made the connection of what my wife has been trying to tell me throughout this whole awkward conversation.

"An erection? Edward?" I blurt out the words that I don't mean to. "Okay, Esme. I'll be home very soon."

"Please hurry. He's up in his room hiding and panicking." She sounds very nervous.

"I will." I promise. "For the meantime, instruct him to take a cold shower. It will help his...er...problem."

"I wish I would have thought about that." She mumbles and adds. "I will."

With an 'I love you' and a promise that I'm taking off of work early I disconnect. I put my phone in my pocket and stand up, grabbing my tray of food to throw in the trash. Pushing my chair in, I am lost in thought - thinking of the talk I will soon have with my son. My mind is very preoccupied that I almost miss the odd disapproving looks I am getting from Nancy and the confused looks that are going around the table.

"Carlisle, are you really going home because your son has an erection?" Nancy rolls her eyes.

"Yes."

My honest answer earns chuckles and giggles from everyone at our table.

"That is a bit strange." Terry points out with amusement in his voice. "My dad didn't rush home from work when that happened to me. And I wouldn't have wanted him too."

"Yes, well," I begin respectfully. "You don't understand my son Edward. He's very...old fashioned and young. This is probably the first time his body has reacted like this and it's probably a bit scary…" I let my words hang in the air at the end.

Not only is this an odd topic to discuss among coworkers that I have known for a few months. This is also unusual to talk about in public and normally, I would not be so open about this. Though, we've had other strange conversations.

However, this is an unusual situation, I know. Most fathers wouldn't rush home for this sort of thing and normally I wouldn't. If this were Emmett or Jasper there would be no need for a troubling call from my wife, I would remain oblivious to the situation and so would she. Though, this is about Edward. He entered his second life with innocence as well as memory loss, which adds to Edward's innocence. Things that are normal for his older brothers or other boys his ages, he hasn't experienced yet. Even with him being a mind reading vampire, he is unfamiliar with certain situations and this is one of them.

"How old is your son?" Gene wonders, plopping a chip into his mouth.

"Must be young since it's his first hard-on." Terry adds.

"He's fifteen." I provide the age of the role he is playing.

For a long moment everyone at the table is quiet. Gene and Terry look shocked, Maya is looking down at the table in embarrassment and Nancy...well, she looks annoyed. It's only a matter of time before she lets her opinion be known.

"I was already used to boners by the time I was that age." Terry points out with a chuckle. "Seems like you might be babying your son just a little too much, Carlisle." He shrugs.

Nancy rolls her eyes. "This is ridiculous. Can't you see that?" She asks me, shaking her head.

"I raise my children how I see fit." I patiently explain.

I can tell that she's ready to tell me I'm doing my job of being a parent all wrong. Just like she's done to every other person at our table at one time or another. However, anything she says I'll take with a grain of salt. I've been a parent for eighty four years, I'm quite aware that each child is different, as is the way you parent each individual child. After all, I have five children that are nearly identical in age and what works for one, won't work for all.

"You're acting like he's the first teenage boy in the world to get a woody." Nancy says, disgust is dripping from her voice. "No wonder the poor child can't figure out what to do on his own." She shakes her head. "He's too used to being coddled."

"My youngest son is very...innocent. And old fashion." I give an explanation, not that it's really anyone's business, especially hers. "Now excuse me. I have a family emergency to attend to."

Ignoring the strange looks I get from Terry, Maya and Gene. As well as the off color comment Nancy makes about my wife and I being helicopter parents, I grab my tray of food - my prop - and head to the trash can.

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Thanks for reading. :))

If you liked the start to this silly short story please leave a pleasant review. I'd be happy to hear from you.