I could hear the beginning notes of your favorite song playing through the thick metal gymnasium doors.
It was loud.
I stood nervously in the hallway, it was the same musty old mostly beige and blue school hallway I had known for almost two years now, they had just dressed it up with some yellow tissue paper garlands and cheap balloons.
There was no reason I should be this nervous, but I fucking hate crowds, you know this. And that's why I wasn't even going to come to this.
But all day all I could think about was you not dancing to some slow song because you were alone. Or worst yet you dancing with someone like Mike Fucking Newton to a slow song.
You had said it was fine when I said I didn't do dances. I could see the disappointment on your face. You had already bought a dress and everything and then you confidently said you were going alone because you'd never been to a dance and were determined not to waste anymore time not going to dances now that it was your Junior year and the end of high school was approaching. I could tell you were upset I wasn't going.
Everything with us with still so new and felt so delicate. Just 3 months ago I had been pining for you from afar as you did your best to blend in. You clearly hated being the new girl and center of everyone's attentions, and I didn't want to torment you like the others. I had talked to you slowly and worked up the nerve to finally make a move. Though it was barely that. I just finally told you one day how I felt and everything had happened so quickly after that and we still had yet to define anything. I felt like it could all disappear as quickly as it had started, and I really didn't want to fuck this up with you. So I caved.
I knocked on Alice's door at 6pm when the dance was supposed to be starting. I told her I'd changed my mind and was going to the stupid homecoming dance. She got that smug look on her face like she knew I would go all along. I had let her treat me like her own personal Ken doll for an hour. She had put way too much of this sickeningly sweet scented gel in my short wavy bronze hair to try and control it, and to no avail it still sprang up chaotically. She had finally given up after 30 minutes. She had even convinced me to wear dress shoes which made me feel ridiculous. I had borrowed my dads. I didn't even have dress shoes. I had avoided every high school dance like the plague and the nicer dress shirts and pants I did have my mom had purchased for me to wear in family photos. You couldn't see my shoes in them anyway so she never made me get dress shoes.
So here I am palms sweaty, hair it's usual wreck. Feeling like an absolute clown in my dads shoes and this pale blue dress shirt, but Alice promised it would match your dress, you had excitedly shown her a picture of it last time you saw her. It was when I'd brought you to my house. The thought of it brings a smile to my face. The smile you would always say is "crooked". The memory of you telling me that when I was kissing you in my room. The smell of you on my sheets that night when I went to sleep. It had just been last week. I had used the excuse of needing help with my English homework to get you there but quickly convinced you to make out with me in my bed instead, and you said my smile was crooked and I smiled like that on purpose to seduce you. It had made me throw my head back with laughter. They way you thought would always be a puzzle to me.
When I thought of your face breaking into that huge toothy smile when you saw that I not only showed up to this dumb thing, but showed up matching you, I was convinced to wear it.
I had also bought this stupid corsage. I clutch the plastic nervously with my sweaty palms. It's a lily, white, your favorite. You had told me when you saw my moms vase of them on the dining room table.
It was the only corsage they had left in the floral section of the local grocery store, but it was perfect. It felt like everything was falling into place, and now this song was playing and I knew you had to be dancing to it. Another bit of perfect timing, even though I was technically more than a little late, I had stopped to get this stupid corsage because it felt like something I was suppose to do and it had taken me another 20 mins so I was arriving almost two hours after the dance had started. I wanted to make everything perfect for you but I'm always hopelessly late.
Now all I can picture is how I'll walk in and find you instantly and then pull you into my arms just like some stupid movie, and I'll see your face light up into my favorite smile and then I'll kiss you here in front of everyone. Claim you as mine.
I take one last deep breath and wipe my palms on my dress pants, careful not to drop the corsage.
I push through the gym doors and am greeted by the same yellow paper garland as in the hallways. Half the main gyms lights are off so it's dimmer and they've strung up white Christmas lights everywhere. I walk under the huge blue balloon arch they've built in front of the entry way and glance towards the mass of moving bodies. Looking for your pale blue dress. I know you have to be dancing. It's that damn song you always play in my car because you say it's your "favorite song to sing in the car", you do all these dramatic hand gestures to the lyrics and it's adorable, you sing along with wreak-less abandon. I love every part of it. It makes me grin and fight back laughter every time and you blush deeply, but never stop your performance.
"Oh Mickey, what a pity you don't understand
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand?
It's guys like you Mickey
Oh, what you do Mickey, do Mickey
Don't break my heart, Mickey!"
I suddenly spot a glimpse of pale blue towards the back corner of the make shift dance floor.
There you are with my favorite smile across your pale sweet face. You're looking up with your deep brown eyes glistening under the little white lights. Your eye lashes are thick with mascara and you have a soft glittery blue eye shadow over you eyes. Your lips are painted a crimson red making your soft delicious pout more prominent. Your cheeks a flushed pink and a soft sheen of sweat covers you. Your hair is bouncing around you, dark mahogany curls.
You've been dancing awhile. I know you. You've probably been dancing to every song regardless of how clumsy your movements are, you would dance without a care. Suddenly a dark shape moves closer to you as you shake your hips to the beat of the song. I turn my attention towards the intruder of my view.
You're dancing with someone. I can only see the side of his face, but I know who it is.
Of everyone you're dancing with him!? This can't be real.
What are you doing?
You know how I despise him!
The fucking football quarterback tool who dented my Volvo at the beginning of the school year because he can't fucking drive for shit. That fucking dick wad that had also smashed my skateboard in half when I first moved here Sophomore year all because he was jealous his girlfriend Victoria was vying for my attention anytime she was around me. He had snatched it from where I had leaned it against the other lockers as I reached into my own locker. I was distracted and he just walked up and grabbed it and threw it down and stomped on it smashing it in two. I had lunged at him ready to see blood spill, but Jasper had been standing next to me and grabbed me pulling me back, Emmett came running down the hallway when he spotted us and grabbed James, shoving him towards the schools back exit telling him to fucking leave as he still had that dumb smirk plastered on his face. He had dropped my board and there it laid in pieces on the hallway linoleum. I had to save up for months of shitty yard work to afford one as nice as that one.
That fucking piece of shit is who you are dancing with. Sure you hadn't been here when any of that had happened, but I had made it more than abundantly clear that he was a piece of shit, that you were to stay far away from.
Yet here you are shaking your hips as he moves with you. He places his hands on you hips and I feel sick.
How is the happening?
My chest feels so tight.
I am such a fucking idiot.
I thought she felt the same as me.
How could I think that? Why would you feel like that about me?
You had never said she loved me. And I hadn't told you yet, but I had shown her uncontrollably though.
I couldn't help it. I had fallen in love with you the moment you walked into my home room the first day of the second semester of Junior year.
A new student half way through the year was of course the talk of the school. A new student here was really gossip worthy anytime of the year.
You had stumbled in wearing old beat up black high top converse and these denim shorts that were just perfectly too short, like you had arrived in the PNW unaware of the constant overcast weather. You had on an old vintage T-shirt with some faded band logo on the front and a white knitted cardigan, and you clutched it to yourself desperately trying to stay warm. Your skin was so pale, I thought they had said you were from Arizona? You were so beautiful. Pale skin and perfectly pouty pink lips. A little nose that sloped up ever so slightly. Big brown eyes.
You had your backpack hanging off one shoulder precariously and when the teacher told you to sit anywhere you nearly dropped it when you turned quickly to survey the room properly. Your eyes looked over the mostly full room and fell on the empty seat in front of me.
You began to slowly stumble towards it looking down, but when you were close you had glanced up saw my staring right at you. You blushed the most lovely shade of red and looked down again and stumbled into the seat quickly, letting your shiny straight hair fall in a makeshift shield around you. The smell of strawberries and freesia surrounded me and I was in heaven. I found myself leaning towards you all though class.
That was 6 months ago. It had flown by, and now here you are dancing with him.
Proving you didn't love me, let alone miss me.
I see him began to lean down towards you and I can't be here anymore. I can't watch him kiss you. I know that's what comes next and I know I won't be able to handle it. I can already feel my breath quickening.
I fucking hate crowds.
It's all tearing me apart! I know if I see that I'll crack, and I refuse to fucking cry for you, for anyone.
I turn and run as fast as I can.
That fucking song pounds through my head even after I've made it to the parking lot. I'm still running as fast as my feet will carry me. I feel like my chest is on fire. My head is pounding. My breath is heavy and uneven with anxiety pulsing through me.
I come to a stop when I realize I'm still holding that stupid fucking corsage. I throw it down and I stomp on it with everything I have in me. Crushing the thin plastic and grinding it into the the pavement.
All I see is your damn smile, your big brown eyes looking up at him. You were only suppose to smile at me like that. Look at me with those big brown eyes sparkling. Your arms were moving above your head carelessly as that gauzy blue dress floated around you. Little jewels sprinkled throughout it making you shine like a mirror ball. Your hair falling down your back, dark mahogany curls bouncing as you moved to the beat of that fucking song. And there he is again pressed against you . That stupid smirk plastered on his face. I could see the side of it.
He finally had you.
Just like he always wanted.
I had flashbacks to February in the locker room after PE when he boasted about seeing up your skirt that day when you had been getting down from your stool in biology. That stupid little skirt. It felt like you didn't realize the allure you had in the little denim skirt, tightly fitted blue t-shirt and that innocent knitted cardigan you always wore. You always had your hair down like a curtain around you. You were every boy at Fork highs current fantasy. Anger had surged in me when he said that. He had no right to violate you like that and then brag about it. Even if you didn't know. I bit my tongue. I didn't need trouble. Carlise was still upset about when James dented my car back in August and I gave him a pretty little black eye for it. It happened just after school, but they still tried to suspend me. Carlise had talked them into only 2 days of in school suspension. I stormed out of the locker room that day, but continued to hear him talk about the ways he'd have you, everyday in the locker room after PE. It felt like he was taunting me. He saw how it made my blood boil when he said your name. That's part of what had made me finally really talk to you. And then you had been so responsive and accepted my advances. You had turned down the advances of the others who had been brave enough to pursue you, I thought that meant I must be who you wanted.
Had I really lost you all because I didn't take you to some stupid fucking dance!?
Did I ever have you at all, Bella Swan?
You had me. All of me. I had never felt about any other girl, any other person, the way I felt about you. I had never even taken another girl to my house, ever. I had never walked another girl to class. I had never ate lunch with a girl or waited by her locker for her. Sure I'd been with girls sexually, but just at parties, never for real. Never like a girlfriend. Not like with you. I had never wanted it before, despite the many willing applicants Forks high offered.
Was this all because I hadn't said the words? Labeled things? Had I taken it for granted? I thought I had showed you how I felt with every moment I spent with you. Every caress, every kiss I stole. Did that mean nothing to you? Had these last few months just been a hoax?
And now it felt like my chest was being been torn open.
How could you?
I start running again. I can't drive like this. Not when I can barely breath. I'll get my car tomorrow.
All I can see is you. Us. What I thought had been.
Us dancing in the headlights to the oldies station. Laughing hysterically. It was the only station that came in clearly and both our phones had died. We danced and danced under that street light on those old cobblestones lining the benched area of the park. I was wearing jeans and white t-shirt and you on a little sundress. It had been a surprisingly warm day in Forks. We're drunk on my moms wine coolers I had snuck out of the fridge. I didn't care if she asked questions later, you had mentioned that the only alcohol you liked the taste of was wine and I being a 17 yr old boy was very much interested in getting drunk with you. I remember the taste of your wine stained tongue moving with my own. We kissed under the stars sitting on the bench for what felt like hours. I had to get you home before you're dads mid shift ended.
The memory began to fade. And I keep running. I've reached the edge of my neighborhood and stop to catch my breath.
The flashbacks then continue and I uncontrollably think back to the day everything changed so deeply. At least for me it had.
The day I made love to you.
Had it not been the same for you? It was your first time you said, maybe it was archaic of me to think that was somehow special. It had felt special to me. Not because it was your first time, but because it was the first time I had truly ever made love to someone. Of course I was honored to be your first. It satisfied me to know no one had made you feel the way I was making you feel. No one had kissed you where I kissed you. It happened just a month ago.
It all keeps flooding me, the memories of it. All of it. The smell of you. The feel of you. The taste of you. I'm pulled back into that day at twilight when everything changed.
I can remember it all so clearly...
-1 month earlier -
I hovered above you. Both of us having hastily discarded our clothes. We were laying on a thick soft blanket on the long pillowy grass in the setting sun in our spot. It was a tucked away meadow we found one day a couple weeks ago when we had just drove around aimlessly in my car after school talking, I had offered you a ride home, but had avoided actually driving you home.
Here we were now in our meadow, I could feel all of you pressed against me. Your soft skin. So warm. Your smell of fresh freesia, the strawberry scent of your shampoo. I was lost in you. I had never smelt anything better, anything more sweet, more enticing than you. Seen anyone or anything more beautiful. I couldn't believe you were finally mine. I had danced around my feelings for you, but when I confessed that I wanted to be more than friends and you had blushed and pulled me into a kiss, I knew that was it and I was yours. We had been talking at school and texting occasionally for a month when I had confessed it. I was sick of just talking about school and surface trivial things. I wanted to know you wholly and completely.
Now it had been a month since I confessed that I wanted more. My hands had slid up under your sweater as we laid down softly kissing. We had just finished a small picnic you had packed of sandwiches and apples. It was so sweet, so perfectly you.
Before long our kisses had turned deeper and before I knew it we were here, naked, panting from kissing and undressing. I held the little foil packet I had pulled from my jeans pocket. I had brought it just in case. It had made me feel like a skeez, but now I was grateful that I had grabbed it and been prepared. I slowly brought it up to my mouth and gently tore it open with my teeth. I look down at you. You're flushed pink and it colors your pale skin like a sunset. It dances down your chest. Stoping at your beautiful breast, two soft white mounds topped with little pink peaks of nipples, two perfect handfuls.
"Are you sure?" My voice comes out almost horse. Husky, not what I had intended. I'll stop in an instant if you tell me to. You hold all the power. This may not be my first time, but it feels like it, in a good way. You nod eagerly. Your eyes almost sparkle in the dimming light. You want this too. You just confirmed it and I can feel it in the way your body hums against mine. The familiar electricity dancing between us. I'm glad I'm not a virgin in this moment. I'm much more confident in my movements than I would be if I was one, and I wouldn't be able to control myself enough to make this enjoyable for you, and that's what I wanted most .
I apply the condom easily and lay myself to the side of you so my hands can roam your body. I kiss you deeply as I palm one of your breast with one hand, I then prop myself up over you and slowly inch my way across your stomach with my hand now massaging your breast. I make my way down to your soft mound, it's so smooth. Freshly shaven. You had prepared for this. That thought makes me impossibly harder.
I delicately explore your folds with one finger. You shiver in anticipation and let out soft little gasps as I continue my movements and kiss your neck. It's driving me crazy, all those little sounds. It's better than all the fantasies I'd had about you the last 4 months.
I very gently press one finger inside you. Your hips buck up to meet me as you moan.
You're wet. Very wet.
I let out an unintentional and embarrassingly loud moan myself and you buck your hips more as you try and find friction. I began to rub you clit slowly with my thumb as I push a second finger into you. The moan you let out in response pushes me forward eagerly.
I pump in and out of you with my pointer and middle finger as I rub my thumb against your clit in a matching rhythm and you writhe and press you hips up to meet my hand in unison with my strokes. You riding my hand is an impossible sexy image I have imagined many times. The fact that I'm watching you now ride my hand like this feels unreal.
I can tell you're close and I increase my friction on you clit and pick up the pace of my fingers as they pump inside you. I feel you constrict and come undone around my fingers.
You cry out,
And I kiss you even more deeply as you come down from your orgasm.
When I pull my fingers out of you they glisten and my eyes roam over your flushed body now slick with sweat. I love making you sweat. I want you so badly right now.
You grab my hips and pull me towards your open legs and glistening sex.
"I'm ready" you say in a breathy whisper.
I don't need any further encouragement as I push you back and enter you in a slow but swift motion.
This is heaven. This is bliss. This is pure ecstasy.
You tense around me. Impossibly tight.
So fucking good.
I fight the urge to plow into you and slowly pull out and push back in. It's excruciatingly slow for me but I hear your tense breath and feel how tense you are around me and I want to make you relax.
I rub your right hip softly with the hand I'm not supporting myself with as I gently push myself into you completely.
You began to relax as I pull out again. I press kisses into your neck.
This feeling it indescribable. It's never felt like this. The electricity that hums between us intensifies tenfold when I'm inside of you.
Your soft gasp turn into a soft moans as I continue my painfully slow thrust in and out.
I won't last long.
This is too good.
I pick up the pace a little as you relax and can't help myself as I feel my climax is near. My lips memorize every part of your neck I can reach before they crash into yours. You let out another gasp and moan against my lips as I allow myself to plow into you a bit harder.
I come in a strong and agonizingly sweet climax and A load moan erupts from my chest and I can't stop myself as I call out you name and press my face into your shoulder.
You grip my shoulders and say my name in a soft breathy whisper in my ear as I come down from my climax.
I pull out of you and roll onto my back next you on the blanket.
I had been so close to saying I love you when I was inside of you. That wasn't how I was going to tell you. It needed to be special. I was also terrified you didn't feel as intensely as I do.
I'm pulled out of the sweet memory in an instant and brought into the miserable present.
My chest still felt like it was ripping open.
I began running down the block towards my house.
I could feel the tears began to slide down my cheeks.
I had never cried for a girl until you, Bella.