Who knows what you think of me now?

He had been gone two years. Two years at war and not a letter or a mention. She desperately hoped he was alive. That she assumed they would tell her. They would tell her if he perished at war surely.

She thought back to that terrible day, when Matthew had broken with her for good, the day her papa had announced that we were at war with Germany. She had been waffling. She had really wanted to accept Matthew's proposal. But with her mama's pregnancy- Matthew's prospects were in doubt and everyone was telling her different things. Granny said to take him now and then if she had a brother- withdraw. She could never mislead Matthew like that, that was not how they were together. Aunt Rosemond insisted she could not live in a cottage - that she should put Matthew off until the baby was born. But she really did not want to do that either. At the end she could not make a decision- and so Matthew made the decision for her. Telling her he could no longer live on shifting sands and that he was going back to Manchester.

Then of course there was war. So, he winded up going to France and his mother Isobel stayed behind in the village.

In December 1914 her mama finally did it. She gave birth to a baby boy, an heir, Albert Patrick Crawley. Mary was entranced by him and bore him no malice. True his conception had turned her life upside down, but that was not his fault. The true fault was her indecision. That and her secret.

She had been afraid to accept Matthew because she knew she would have to tell him. And she was fearful that he would reject her. Well he had rejected her anyway. No, he really had not. It was her fault alone - she should have told him; she should have accepted him. She had made a mess of her life.

The fact that her mother had a boy, and Matthew was no longer heir did not make her feel better about the situation. True he was now only a solicitor, well a solicitor and a soldier, and she was expected to make a better marriage. Heavens she had thought she would be a duchess at one point. But the war had changed that perspective. And the loss of his love had changed her perspective.

As Mary sat on the train on her way back from London, she contemplated Sir Richard Carlisle. He was no Matthew, but he was handsome in a rugged way. And while he was not an aristocrat, he was rich and powerful. And a bit old. But lots of aristocratic women married older gentleman- at least he was not as old as papa.

She wondered how he got out of army service. All the young men her age were in the army fighting for his majesty. Evelyn was in the army, everyone's husband from her early seasons and every boy Sybil danced with at her ball either fighting or dead. And then there was Matthew, he was a lieutenant in the army, that she knew.

She knew he had been back to the village to see his mother. She had heard talk of it on the village. Talk of how he wasn't the heir anymore, so why did his mother still live here. It was unfair talk, Matthew and Isobel were still family and they would always be welcome. Papa had given Matthew Crawley house for life, even if he did not want to live there if he survived the war.

Two years! Mary shook her head. She needed to move forward. Perhaps she should take Sir Richard more seriously. Aunt Rosemond certainly thought so. But then again Aunt Rosemond and her bad advice caused her to hesitate too much and to lose Matthew's love.

She knew now that she would have said yes. She knew now that the birth of her brother and Matthew's change of prospects would not have kept her from betrothing herself too him. She was not sure of it at the time. Her mind had been so muddled covering the clarity of her heart. Somehow Matthew Crawley had snuck his way under her skin and into her heart when she wasn't looking.

He was clever, kind, and so loving. But he was also prideful and wounded. So, he had broken with her before the birth of a brother would have caused her to break with him. Or so he thought. But now she knew that would never have been true. How they would live, what her position would be, she did not know. And it was unlike her to just rely on love. But Matthew wasn't a servant or a shop keeper, he was an accomplished lawyer with a good head on his shoulders, as evidenced by his improvements to the estate before the war.

If only she realized all this before the garden party, before the war. But she had not. What had she told Carson; I'm never down for long.

Yet she remembered how after her father announced the war; how much she wanted to run to Matthew; to say how sorry she was, to tell him what till then she had not said, that she loved him. But she had held herself back and had not spoken a word to him since.

She thought again. Hopefully he would be coming back home on leave soon. She would ask Anna to keep her ears open. She would stalk him at Crawley house. Maybe beg him for forgiveness. Maybe the war had softened him as well. Maybe he would let her back in. Maybe he would even forgive her secret. She had to try. Yes, she had to give it one more try. He would see now that Albert was born, that she still wanted him, without the inheritance.

War had further changed her; she hoped it would have changed his perspective as well. That is if he was still alive. Please let him be alive. Bring him back to me.

A/N – This story stems from an idea I had. What would happen if everything in season two was the same except Cora never lost the baby and she gave birth to a boy, an heir.

Please review and let me know what you think and if I should continue.