Title: A Midsummer Night's Dinner

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's summer and it's dinner time, and the Ducks are at Charlie's. Pizza, Chinese, Vampires...dinner shouldn't be this big an event, should it?

Feedback: Go on, review, I dare ya…

Dedication: none

Disclaimer: The Ducks belong to Disney

Story Notes: I started this last week, but I don't know why. I was eating Chinese and watching D2 for the first time in about a year and a half. this is just an odd product of whatever was running through my head.

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Chapter 1: Dinner Time

"What do you want for dinner?" Charlie asked.

The Ducks were at Charlie's apartment, just chilling. Seriously. The dog days of summer were killing them. It was too hot to play hockey and no family but the Banks family had a pool, which was being redone.

"I could go for pizza," said Portman.

"We had that last night," Kenny said.

"We could have it again."

"No, Portman, I'm sick of pizza," insisted Kenny.

"I don't see why, I mean, we've only had it every night this week," said Russ sarcastically. "Dude," he looks at Portman, "Pizza is getting sickening."

"I agree," Guy said.

"Plus, it's soooo unhealthy!" Connie complained. "Julie and I don't want to get fat!"

"Dammit Connie! Be quiet!" Goldberg groaned.

"Still hoping to win back the starting goalie position, Goldie?" Averman teased. "You've got a better chance of being struck by lightening."

"Sometimes I wish you'd get struck by lightening."

"Why you-"

"IF we want healthy pizza we could get less sauce and low fat cheese," Julie raised her voice and stopped the developing Goldberg/Averman conflict.

"What!?" Fulton yelled. "Less sauce and low fat cheese!? That's not pizza! That's blasphemy! You're going to burn in pizza hell!"

"Sit down, you big twit," Luis said lazily.

"I know!" Adam grinned excitedly, "Let's do Chinese!"

"Sounds de-liddily-licious to me," Dwayne smiled.

"Eh-" Averman started then stopped.

"What?" Charlie asked.

"I don't think Chinese is a good idea."

"What? Why?" Adam looked insulted that someone didn't like his idea.

"Vampires eat Chinese." Everyone stopped to stare at Averman.

"Crazy bastard!" Guy laughed. "Charlie, dial!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Averman dove and knocked the phone out of Charlie's hands.

"What the hell are you doing?" Charlie asked from underneath Averman.

"Saving our lives!" Averman explained.

"Well, so am I. We're all going to die of starvation if you get your way. Averman, I'm really sorry about this, but-" Charlie looks at Portman and orders, "Portman, sit on him."

Portman got up and sat on Averman, who then struggled to get out from under. Everyone watched and laughed as Portman's ass nailed Averman to the floor. After Charlie had placed the order, Portman let Averman out from under him.

"Wow, man," said Averman in admiration, "You've got butt muscles that can crack a walnut!"

"Thanks," said Portman, beaming with pride.

"Why were you going out of your way to touch his ass?" Luis asked teasingly. "Is there something you're not telling us?"

"Yes, Luis, there is. I'm gay, and I'd rather touch your butt than Portman's, but I wasn't lucky enough to have your hot Latin ass sit on me."

Luis looked somewhere between shocked and horrified.

"Wipe that look off your face. I don't want you at all. Portman was sitting on me, with his ass, which is where most people sit, so I kind of figured out how it felt. How about he sits on all of you and we'll see how many of you don't notice."

"Ugh, no thanks," Julie groaned and laughed at the same time.

"Come on, babe, you know you want a piece of this!" Portman grinned, sticking his ass in Julie's face.

They don't call Julie "the Cat" for nothing. She slid quickly out from between of Guy and Connie, who were leaning in to kiss each other behind her back when Portman's ass got in the way.

"What the...instead of Guy's lips, I get a mouthful of Portman's ass!" Connie coughed.

"EWWWW! Somebody get me some mouth wash!" Guy hollered.

"Hey, consider it a privilege, kids! It's not every day you get a face full of an ass as perfect as mine!" Portman laughed.

"Sure gives new meaning to the phrase 'kiss my ass,'" Kenny said, tears of mirth in his eyes.

"I don't get it," said Dwayne. "What's he saying, Russ?"

"Cowboy, if you hafta ask, it's really not worth it," Russ replied. The door bell rang at that moment.

"Food!" cried Goldberg.

"I'll get it," Adam got up to answer the door. Averman shot up and followed quickly.

His screams of "AHHHHH! VAMPIRE!!!" echoed through the Conway home. "We will not pay, you Agent of Death!" they heard Averman yelling.

"OWW!" they heard a new voice groan.

The next thing they heard was Averman saying, "Haha! Be gone Agent of Evil!"

They heard Banks trying desperately to apologize to whoever was injured by Averman. "I'm so sorry! He didn't take his medication this morning! Here's the money, keep the change!" and then the door slammed.

Adam tumbled into the room, the food in one hand, the other hand fending off Averman.

"STOP YOURSELF AVERMAN! IT'S FOOD FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Adam hollered as Fulton grabbed the bag of Chinese food and headed for the kitchen, with everyone else right behind him.

Fulton began to set the food out, and Averman swiped at him, sending a bag full of duck sauce, spicy mustard, and soy sauce packets flying around the kitchen.

"Averman, chill!" Goldberg yelled.

Averman made one last lunge for the food, but missed and grabbed Julie's hair instead.

"Ouch!" she yelped, falling backwards on to Portman and Connie.

Connie struggled to regain her balance, and Guy went to grab her. Instead of steadying Connie, Guy slipped on a soy sauce packet, squirting soy sauce all over Adam and Kenny, who were desperately trying to stay out of the way. In trying to avoid the soy sauce, they ran smack into each other, to then fall on to Goldberg and Russ. Dwayne tripped over Portman trying to avoid Russ, who was tripped up by Dwayne and hit Charlie. Charlie fell forward into Fulton who was holding open food. In the end, the only one still standing was Averman.

"Why are we nice to him?" Connie asked as she climbed to her feet.

"Because he's a decent right wing," Charlie said snidely, untangling himself from Fulton, Russ, and some sesame chicken.

Food was everywhere on the floor, but none on the table. After everyone had fallen all over and rolled around in it trying to get up, nobody really wanted to eat it.

"Dammit, Averman, I paid good money for that food!" Banks yelled.

"You can spare it," Averman said back calmly. 

Russ's boxers had become exposed in the fray.

"Hey, Russ, nice undies!" yelled Julie. The boxers had taxis on them.

"Taxis!" Connie giggled. "Vroom, vroom!"

"Beep beep!"

Connie and Julie were so hysterical they slipped and fell on the floor again, making them laugh even harder.

"How old were you when you got those, man? Six?" Kenny laughed. Russ grinned and didn't say anything. What was he supposed to say about boxers with taxis on them!?