Shadowed Emotions

by: say-chan

Disclaimer: chapter five... the last chapter/ installation of the shadowed emotions plot... it has been quite a while since i last updated... so here it is... i'm gonna miss writing this story... ^-^okay, so the sequel to raindrops is on a dump, i can't find a way to fix my plot... but, i hope i'll be over this writer's block... i'm off to a new plot! x-men-not mine, don't sue... ^-^

Chapter Five: Without your Love

~My heart lied... while you cried... rivers of tears... but I was too blind to see... Everything we've been through before... Now it means so much more...~

The days went right past me. I was too busy thinking of things that I shouldn't have been. My eyes were tired from all that crying. Tears wouldn't fall anymore. But replacing those tears, emptiness would surely take its place. I felt my heart pound against my chest as I remembered the words Rogue had told me.

I didn't quite understand. Kurt was leaving? He had such a great family here. Sighing, I asked myself. Who am I kidding? I made his stay here in Bayville so... forbidding. And then I blamed myself for the things that happened. Everything that happened was due to my stubborn actions. I was sick of hiding all these things inside. Anytime, I might even break down. I was almost at the end of the line. I was on the verge of tearing up and crying all over again. Did my life need to be wasted more than it already was?

All this time, I'd been hiding from what destiny put me to. Learning things that you shouldn't... or hearing things that you wouldn't want to is harsh. But having it repeated in your brain over and over? It's called torture. Failing to sustain my 'moment' of peace in looking out the window and up to the wisps of clouds in the sky was... just... futile.

It was the time of day when I try to stop and think... to clear my mind. But because of the words that hit me more than once, I felt confused. Sighing, I experienced that piercing stab through my heart as a lump in my throat began to form.

I heard a voice shout from within my soul. And there it was again. I listened, helplessly, not knowing what to do. Both dazed, confused and emotional at the same time screwed me up. Sometimes, I then wonder. Why am I here?

A tear skidded down my face and I stopped thinking. Sighing, I stood up, slowly running my fingers through my hair. I bit my lower lip. As I again pondered the subject of my thoughts, I walked towards the window overlooking the entrance of the manor. I saw myself on the reflection of the glass. Averting my sight in disgust, I turned my back on the window sill.

Bothered by questions, I decided to go downstairs and get something to drink. I opened the door and walked outside. As I neared the stairs to the foyer, a part of me wished I wasn't seeing what I was.

There he was, sitting down on one chair, gazing outside the window. I heard my heart thump louder and louder as I tiptoed into the darkness. Somehow, seeing him, made me feel... different.

Sighing, I bit my lip again as a tear rolled down my cheek. I clenched my fist tightly and looked away. Thoughts rushed through my head as blood pumped in my veins, faster and faster.

I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. More and more voices echoed in my head...

"Keety I think I'm in love..."

"You know, he's feeling twice as much pain as you're feeling now"

"Lord, Please forgive me. All I did was hurt the person whom I really love. I love Keety."

"Huh?! And who are you to tell me what I feel for him?"

"Kurt's leaving for Germany next week."

By the time I regained composure, by the time I was ready... I looked up again... only to face the subject of my thoughts since who knows when. "K-Kurt..."

My voice came in a muffled whisper. My voice was quite relieved, almost pleading. My eyes told him everything that I couldn't say. I loved him. I needed him. I wanted him. That he means much more than he thinks. That I was wrong.

It was then I realized that... that before I let him go... I needed to tell him. His feelings may have been lost forever, but mine would stay with those memories he left me.

I swallowed the lump on my throat for the first time. Gathering up my courage, I started to speak.

"Kurt... is it true that you're leaving?" I felt my whole mouth go dry. My eyes were fixated on my hands.

I heard myself whimper. Deep inside, I didn't want to lose him. Heck, I do not want to lose him! But if... fate turned against me, I would give way.

It was then I felt that crying relieved much part of my pain-- the pain of a broken heart. More and more tears welled up in my eyes. I felt my chest tighten as I breathed in and out. Thinking over the things that I said... that I did to hurt him... I just...

My thoughts again came to an end. I felt his chest against my face and his arms around my body. I continued crying... but now, I have him to cry on. But if this was the last time... I-

"Stop crying, Keety. I'm still your best friend, right? Your source of smiles? You told me that remember?" I heard his voice calm my reverie. But the content of his image was misunderstood.

I threw myself around him, crying even more. "Kurt! No! You're not my best friend! You're more than that!" I shouted as I held him tight, not even wanting to let him go.

My voice then dropped to a mere whisper. "Don't leave me, Kurt. Please don't just don't." I said with a sigh. "Ich Liebe Dich." I said in my worst German accent.

Hearing myself doing this, pleading to him... of all the persons, would wreck my pride forever. But, can anyone tell me. What is pride when you're gonna lose someone you value more than your life?

I felt his hand brush across my face, lifting my gaze up to him. At fist, I couldn't meet his eyes, but my inner voice told me to look at him. Like mine, his eyes were filled with tears.

"Ich Liebe Dich, mein Katzchen."

I then saw his smile. It was the first time I saw it for weeks. Overcome with emotion, I again threw myself in his arms. "I have always promised myself zat I von't hurt the one I loved...but I failed you, Katzchen. I have failed you."

I pulled away from his embrace and shook my head as hard as I could. "No, Kurt. If anyone failed, it was me. It was me who didn't accept you. It was me who hurt you. It was me." I said, as I finally broke down and fell to my knees.

I felt someone support my fall. "Why, Kurt? Why do you still care for me?" I asked as I looked at him.

He smiled again. "Vhat am I here for? Isn't my purpose to catch you when you fall?"

He was right. And the biggest mistake I did was to ignore him while he was falling. I bowed my head and looked at the floor once more. "I truly don't deserve you, Kurt."

He shook his head. "No. If I don't deserve you... then why does this feel right?"

He was right again. He was always right. This feeling... I've never experienced this before. It felt like I was rescued from a big nightmare. It felt so... real.

"Kurt... Tell me that I'm dreaming... Say you'll never leave me."

I bit my lip as I awaited his reply. "I'm not leaving Katzchen."

I looked up at him, my eyes wide in awareness of what he just said. Both surprised and puzzled by the statement, I stood up from his arms and he did, too. He looked at me in the eye and took something from his back pocket. He lifted it up for me to see. It was his plane ticket. This made me more confused. What was he going to do?

He held it by the ends, and, to my surprise, tore it in half and let it fall to the ground. "I would never leave you, mein Katzchen. Even though it means getting hurt, even though it means I have to die for you. Because I really love you. I would do anything for you." He confessed.

I held his right hand in mine and turned his image inducer off. I looked up at him and gazed in his eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I stepped forward and leaned my head on his chest.

Words could not express what I had been feeling. All this emotions were hidden all this time and I didn't even give effort to tell him- I did care for him. But he was still here, taking me back, holding me like no one ever has.

I was never alone, and I will never be. All this time, I had been running around in circles. I had been moving along, not even realizing that he was there... not even caring if he was hurt.

But... all this... all this I'd been thinking about... wouldn't be true... if I didn't gather up my courage and fight for what I felt for him. Rogue was right. I did hurt him. I owed my mere happiness to him.

And now... all and everything is fulfilled. Everything is done. No more thoughts clouded. No more heartaches and pains. And... no more emotions to hide. And that... makes me feel like the luckiest person alive. Not because I'm not bothered anymore... or because I'm not crying again... But because I have him.

And he has me.

a / n:

hello people!! ^-^ at last... this ficcie is over! ^-^ it has been so much fun writing this and reading your reviews... and i hope you continue to support my as i go on. thanks for everything!! ^-^

everything has been a hard hard work... especially the transition of scenes from chapter 4 to chapter 5... i had to think real hard... and i cried... as i was making the kurrty dialogue scene. i hope this chapter is good enough for you guys... you give me the inspiration to push through! ^-^ i dedicate this ficcie to all of you who reviewed! ^-^

my special thanks to the Lord and to my family... my friends need not mentioned... too many! ^-^ to my twin Ria, to my beta reader, Tainyah, to my fellow writers... ^-^ thank you all!! ^-^

i love you guys! i'm onto a new plot... i hope you guys continue reviewing as time goes on... thanks! more power to you all! g'bye... i'll miss you guys! ^-^

always and forever,