A/N: As promised here I am with a new story. This story is so different from what I usually write, so get ready for this AN. This story comes with a huge warning. It is never my intention to make anyone uncomfortable or hurt by reading my content, so I feel the need to mention this story has sensitive and possibly triggering material. I will not list all those here to be sensitive to those people. If you are concerned about what may be covered in this story, please feel free to DM me or contact me on FB. I can say it is very heavy angst, this is not a fluffy story. Also, my reviews for this story will not reach me if they are nasty rude GR's so nice try, but reviews that are not constructive will just be deleted. Thank you so much to everyone who reviews, and you are all so lovely and great. Thanks to SassyNoles, maniacalmuse, Dawnbreaker8, Littleashes17, and Maplestyle for their prereading and hand holding on this story. Also, thank you to Mel C for her beta skills and immense help with making sense of my occasional rambling. The chapter title is the title of a song and the quotes below contain the artist. Alright, onto the story.
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me My mind's like a deadly disease I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones~Halsey
I was in purgatory. Well, maybe that was a little dramatic, but somehow, I knew that 11th grade geometry had to be in one of the circles of hell that Dante was always talking about. I had to take this class as a high school senior because I had missed it last school year. I had gotten pulled out of school halfway through the semester because of extenuating circumstances, so now I was playing catch up.
I was now living with my dad, Charlie. He was all right, but I was just looking to do my time before I could finish high school and get the hell out of this town, maybe even this state. As much as this town sucked, I was just glad to be away from my bitch of a mom. What had happened was all her fault anyway. I huffed and shook my head, derailing that train of thought. My therapist said I was deflecting, but he could kiss my ass. I wasn't going to talk or think about it.
The popular theory among the student body was that I had been in a mental institution and my mom refused to take me back when I got out, so they shipped me off to my cop father. Honestly, sometimes I thought that was a better option than the truth. I tucked a lock of my purple hair behind my ear as the bell signaling the end of the period rang. It startled me and some students snickered. Assholes.
I was only halfway through the day and I already was considering getting ahold of one of my dad's guns to just put my suffering to an end. This was one of those towns that made you have flashbacks of Stepford wives. All the kids in this high school had grown up together and have been in the same classes year after year. Most of the girls would find some loser in this town to marry, get pregnant, be perfect wives until they found out their husband was cheating on them with their secretary that was fifteen years his junior, get divorced, and become bitter old women. No fucking thank you to that.
I was in the last class of the day when I found something that might make this town interesting. He was tall and toned, not bulky, but there was definition there. His face was angular—firm jaw, straight nose, and defined cheekbones. His eyes were green, framed by dark long lashes that women would kill for. He was fucking delicious. He locked eyes with me, and then a slow crooked smile broke out on his face. Game on.
His friend playfully nudged him and turned to me after they both sat in front of me. "You must be the new girl. I would remember a pretty thing like you."
I gave him my best flirty smile and nodded. "You're not too bad yourself, handsome. My name is—"
"Isabella Swan," the teacher intoned. I hadn't even realized he had been calling roll.
"It's just Bella," I said out loud. I could kill my parents for naming me Isabella. I had been correcting teachers all day long. The teacher barely looked my way before continuing with his attendance, so I rolled my eyes.
"Well, Just Bella. My name is Emmett," he said, smiling, showing two perfect dimples. I found myself grinning back at him. Emmett kicked his friend's foot. "Dude, stop being an ass, introduce yourself. I apologize, Bella, he is usually better behaved than this."
His friend shook his head, grinned, and licked his lips. I wanted to lick those lips too. "My name is Edward. Nice to meet you, Bella."
"The pleasure is all mine, Edward." I gave him my sexy smile that all the guys got stupid over. He returned a warm smirk that was more polite than dazzled and turned back around when the teacher started his lecture. Emmett winked at me then turned as well.
I sat back in my seat. What the hell? Had I absolutely lost my touch since this morning? I had given that same grin to those morons Mike and Tyler, and they about fell over themselves to open the front door for me. Whatever, it was his loss; I guess. I patiently waited for this teacher to stop with his inane droning about physics. I already knew all this shit. I was in AP classes in Phoenix, before… well, just before. When the bell rang, I slammed my textbook shut. I grabbed my backpack and darted past everyone else, ready to get the fuck out of this building for the day.
I got as far as my locker when I noticed a group of blond-haired, cheerleader, Barbie wannabes standing there. Oh god. This was gonna go one of two ways. They either wanted to include me in their group, which so not fucking interested, or they wanted to see the town crazy up close and decide if I was a threat. I wasn't in the mood to even try with them, so I bypassed my locker and went out to the parking lot. I had just unlocked my car door when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun around and saw Edward standing there. "Shit, you scared me," I said, waiting for my heart rate to return to normal.
"Sorry, Bella, but you dropped this. Just wanted to make sure you got it back," he said, holding up a leather-bound notebook.
It was the journal my therapist thought would be good to use to write thoughts and feelings in. I had done what he asked, but I wouldn't be sharing any of that shit with him. I took it from Edward, mumbling a quiet thanks. He gave me a small smile and then jogged over to who I assumed were his friends. I noticed two girls among the group—the blonde with the violet eyes from my second period class and the petite short-haired brunette from third period. They both turned to look at me, smiling and waving. I returned their gesture with what I'm sure came out more like a grimace before I got in my car.
To my surprise, when I got home, my dad's police cruiser was in the driveway. My dad was pretty great, but that was mostly because he didn't hover and we didn't talk about much at all. While I had lived with Renee when they got divorced, I still saw my dad during summers and usually winter break. The last few years we had taken summer vacations somewhere warm, so I hadn't been back in Forks for years. Once I'd grabbed my backpack from the front seat, I headed inside, hanging my jacket on the hook by the door but keeping my bag with me so I could take it to my room.
"Bella?" my dad called from the front room. I seriously wondered what would happen if someone else answered. My dad was a cop, so I knew the answer. I chuckled at myself and popped my head in the living room. "How was school today?"
Oh damn, he wanted to chat. "It was fine."
"Did you make any friends?"
"Are you at least trying?"
"Why do you care? Look, I know it'll be embarrassing if your daughter is the friendless freak, but it won't be much longer until I graduate."
"Bells, I don't care about that. I just want you to be happy. I want to know you're okay."
"Oh, now you care. That's rich, Dad. Great timing."
"Isabella, I had no idea any of that stuff was going on. If you would have told me, I could have done something about it."
"You didn't notice the bruises, Dad? I find that hard to believe. You know what, I'm done with this. I don't want to talk about it," I said, noticing the tears start to fall. No, I had gotten away from that asshole, and he wasn't going to continue to make me cry. I stomped up to my room, heading straight to the box that I had yet to unpack from the move, rummaging around until I found the pocket knife. Opening it up, I pulled my long-sleeved shirt off, leaving just the tank top underneath. The sharp blade sliced through the skin near my elbow, three short cuts forming, the blood flowing in slow drips. The adrenaline flooded my system, the relief instant, and the numbness took over. I reveled in the feeling of release.
Before long, I knew I needed to take care of my cuts, the blood beginning to create a pool near the crease of my elbow. I went back to the box and pulled out my well-stocked first aid kit. I grabbed a large adhesive gauze pad and stuck it on my forearm to stop the bleeding. I had cut deeper this time than I usually did, but I was out of practice and in desperate need of the relief so I had been a bit sloppy. The only good part about the fucking weather in this town was it was always cold, so long sleeves wouldn't be out-of-place like they were in Arizona. Maybe I could actually pass as normal in this town. No one had to know what happened. I sure as hell wasn't going to tell them.
Charlie tried to tell me good night, which I parroted back to him, but I made no move to get up or give him a hug. I didn't do hugs. Affection was just another way for people to control you and something to use against you. I wasn't interested in playing those games with Charlie because he knew what had happened. He heard every ugly detail in court from the Child Protective Services lady and the officer who I had given a statement. Not wanting to rehash that all in my mind, I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair, pulling at the strands to give me that little jolt of pain. I found my stash in my unpacked box. It took a lot of creative ingenuity to hide that shit and make sure no one found it. I pushed my curtain aside, quietly pulled open the sliding glass door, and stepped out on the balcony. Sitting in the lone chair, I took out my glass pipe and packed a bowl.
I wasn't interested in thinking anymore tonight, and getting high would make me tired, allowing me to just pass out. I flicked the lighter and lit the green weed, taking a pull of the smooth smoke into my lungs, inhaling and blowing it back out through my nose. I hit the button on the new iPhone that Charlie had bought for me, looking at the time. I had to get a whole new number and everything because I didn't or couldn't talk to anyone who had my old number. It didn't really matter—any friends I had, I'd lost when they found out the things that I had done. It didn't matter that I did it under duress or manipulation. I was a crazy whore; that was my favorite name they called me. What was the funniest was they thought calling me a whore would be insulting, but it wasn't. Yeah, I fucked a lot, and I was good at it too. I had worth, and that was more than I could say for a lot of my classmates.
I finished my bowl and made sure to get rid of all traces that I had been outside or smoking, closing the sliding glass door and pulling the curtain back in place. I grabbed the journal that Edward had made sure I got back after I dropped it. I fully intended to write all my feelings and thoughts about that day, but my mind kept drifting back to the boy with the emerald eyes and crooked smile. I wasn't sure why he didn't respond to my flirtation. Maybe he was just trying to be a nice guy. It'd been awhile since I slept with a guy who didn't try to choke me or tie me up, which might be a nice change of pace. Wanting to get at least something down, I wrote: "cute emerald-eyed boy" in my journal, closed it, and tossed it in my backpack. I turned the overhead light off and left the table-side lamp on—I couldn't sleep in complete darkness anymore. I turned on some rain sounds on my phone and curled up under the covers.
When I woke up the next morning, there were still rain sounds filling my bedroom, but I knew I set the sleep timer on my phone. I grabbed my phone, and sure enough, it was off. Then I realized I was in one of the wettest places in the continental US, so it was obviously coming from the rainstorm outside. I flung the covers off, annoyed. Carefully, I peeled off the gauze pad and replaced it with Band-Aids, not wanting it to rub against the cloth of my shirt. A rush of pleasure ran through me at the sight of the red, angry marks against my pale skin. I changed into a long-sleeved thermal top with a short-sleeved band t-shirt on top, and then I pulled on my jeans and my boots. I grabbed my backpack and rushed downstairs, pleased to see that my dad had already left for work. Knowing that passing out at school from low blood sugar wouldn't help my crazy reputation, I grabbed a packet of Pop-Tarts, slipped on my coat, and headed to school, eating the Pop-Tarts on the way there.
Just like the day before, everyone was milling around the parking lot, and I scoffed at the fact that these people arrived at school early on purpose, just to hang out in front of the school like there weren't better things to do. The minute I got out of my car, Mike was right there, wanting to know if I needed help carrying anything. I poured on the girly giggle and shook my head. I got really close to him and put my hand on his chest, looking at him with an exaggerated pout. "Do you know what you could help me out with? I would really like it if you would tell me a place where we could devour each other without getting caught."
Out of the two guys who were just all over me, Mike was the cuter one, if you liked the blond hair and blue-eyed thing, but he also seemed more likely to blab it all over the school about what was about to happen. I had some notches to put in my bedpost, and this was the easiest way to do it. It would also let Mr. Nice Guy Edward Cullen know he didn't need to handle me with kid gloves. Mike looked at me in surprise and nodded yes. "Yeah, follow me." His voice was deep and husky.
I did as he asked, and as expected, he led me behind the school. I knew there was an alcove where you could hide from detection and few people passed behind the school in the morning. Once we were covered from prying eyes, I pushed Mike up against the brick wall, my lips slamming into his. I wasn't always big on kissing, but I wasn't going to suck him off or fuck him out in the open. I wanted to get off, but I didn't want to get kicked out of school. That would just complicate shit more than it already was.
I was about to untuck his shirt when he surprised me by taking control. He flipped us so he was pushing me into the wall, and he kissed down my neck, nipping and licking gently. Oh, I was not expecting this from the All-American Boy. I grabbed his hand and shoved it under my shirt, waiting to see if he would take the bait. I rolled my hips into him when he pinched my nipple through my bra, causing me to moan. This caused him to smile and then groan when he realized it was pierced, fingering the barbell through the lace of my bra. He rested his head against my shoulder, breathing heavily in my ear.
His lips found their way back to mine, and I palmed his dick through his jeans. It wasn't huge, but it was impressive, considering he wasn't fully hard yet. I had to admit I had underestimated Mike as a worthy fuck buddy. I was reevaluating my options when the first bell rang. I groaned, because I didn't mind being tardy, but there would be people filling the courtyard and we would get caught. Mike kissed me one last time and then made sure the coast was clear before darting out of the alcove. I straightened my shirt and made myself presentable.
As I popped out of the alcove, Edward Cullen rounded the corner of the building, and he locked eyes with me. I stopped in shock and then shook myself out of it, continuing on my way. Edward watched every step, his eyebrows furrowed, with almost a look of disappointment clouding his features. For some reason, his expression made me feel on edge. For the first time in my life, I felt kinda slutty.
Journal entry #1- Trapped. Cute green-eyed boy. Numb. Slut?
A/N: So, there you have it. Quite a bit of a different Bella, right. She isn't canon Bella, like at all. How are we feeling. Let me know what you are thinking and leave a review. Thank you so much and I will see you back here in a week. Later lovelies.