Hey folks, LaughingLefou here. So after delving through my files, I finally managed to actually find the old chapters for this. This was originally a project between myself, and SpookiestOfNoodles, but since he's left the writing game, it's left unfinished. I can't guarantee I'll finish it either, as I don't feel it would be as good without his touch, but a lot of old readers have been asking for it since he left, and I decided I'd go ahead and throw people a bone and re-upload it again. So, without further ado...


I do not own RWBY. That belongs to Rooster Teeth, and Monty Oum, may he rest in peace.

Red Is The Color Of Passion

Chapter 1: Behold, Excalibur!


Jaune knew something was wrong before he even entered Team JNPR's dorm room. It was sort of a knack he'd developed during his stay at Beacon. Sort of a very specific sixth sense that really only triggered when problems in his life were imminent. For the past couple of weeks, it had been quiet, but on this day of all days, it was blaring at full alarm. Seeing how it was in proximity to his dorm room, there was really only one thing he could attribute it to. It couldn't have been Pyrrha, as his relationship with her was as good as it had ever been. They were the best of friends, inseparable, even. Couldn't have been Ren either; Jaune was fairly certain he was incapable of getting into trouble. No, there was really only one person who could be setting off his "Oh fuck," alarm.

Nora Valkyrie.

The blond Huntsman-in-Training sighed and grasped the brass doorknob of the room and tried to imagine what could be going wrong. Did she manage to finally sneak a sloth on campus? Did she fill their room with pancakes somehow? Did she burn down his closet, again? He grimaced, briefly contemplating not returning to his Dorm, but perhaps going for a walk or something. Then again, he didn't want to run into Goodwitch stalking the halls. With a tight-lipped look of trepidation, Jaune opened the door and peered inside.

Nothing. The room looked...normal? He frowned. Great, he thought, I've started going insane. Figured it'd happen eventually. His closet wasn't on fire, there were no animals laying about, and there was a conspicuous lack of breakfast food. Maybe for once he was being paranoid? He stepped into the room, waiting for...something to happen. So far however, nothing. He scratched his head. "Huh." He murmured, a small smile playing around his lips. With that he began to start removing his armor and tossing it haphazardly onto his bed. Next, his hoodie was removed revealing his shirt beneath it, but in doing so he caught a wiff of himself and gave a disgusted face. He smelled to high heaven.

Now that he stopped and thought about it, a shower did sound nice. Yeah, that's what he'd do. Take a nice, long shower and tuck in for the night. Luckily for him, it wasn't one of the nights he was training with Pyrrha, so some relaxation was in order. No sooner had he managed to toss his hoodie onto the bed then a sound caught his attention.

"No, Renny! We can't tell him! What if he yells at me?" a feminine voice whispered loudly, causing Jaune to sigh. Obviously he'd jumped to too quick a conclusion when he'd assumed everything was alright.

"Nora," Ren's voice came from the bathroom, sounding as exasperated as Jaune felt, "You know he's not going to. If he didn't yell at you for burning down his closet a couple of months ago, I don't think this is even going to register as anger."

Jaune internally sighed with relief. If it wasn't as bad as him losing almost all of his clothing, then it was something he could easily deal with. Still, why on earth were their voices coming from the bathroom? Did Nora do something to the toilet? He grimaced. He was not looking forward to having to deal with Goodwitch and telling her that there was an issue with the plumbing. He hated dealing with her as it was, but having to tell her that something in his dorm had been damaged again was a scenario he wasn't looking forward to.

Delaying things would only make the situation worse, so he decided it would be better to just talk to them and get it over with. He left his hoodie on the bed and stepped cautiously over to the bathroom. Given how nervous she had sounded, he wouldn't put it past Nora to simply blow something up and escape in the confusion. When he found he was still conscious by the time he reached the door, he sighed in relief. The door opened quickly to reveal a skittish Nora hiding behind a bored-looking Ren.

"What's going on, guys?"

Ren shrugged "Nothing major. Nora did something to the shower. Now the water only gets lukewarm and smells like maple syrup."

"It was the Canadians' fault! Yang told me they were a myth, and so I was trying to lure one here to trap it!"

"Nora, you still haven't explained what a 'Canadian' is supposed to be." Ren sighed.

"They are mysterious creatures, attracted to maple syrup! They ride mooses into battle, and they carry a magic in their veins known as 'centralized healthcare'!"

"I'm not going to even begin to try to understand what she's talking about." Jaune murmured, shaking his head slowly.

Ren nodded at him. "Probably for the best."

"They're real, I swear!" Nora exclaimed.

"I believe you Nora, but was sabotaging our shower necessary?"

"Jaune-Jaune, you don't understand! They are crafty predators, using funny accents to confuse their prey!"

"Their prey being...?"

"Poutine!"

"Okay, now you're just talking gibberish." Jaune kept talking over Nora's protests that they were all in danger. "Listen, I really need to take a shower, but it's late enough that I'll probably get in trouble with Goodwitch if I try to make it to the locker rooms. What should I do?"

There was no better person to come to than Ren when it came to male hygiene.

"Well, I have this tea that makes your sweat smell-"

Jaune held up a hand. "Let me stop you right there. No teas, or herbs, or... nothing I have to eat, okay? What are some other options."

Ren muttered something about no one appreciating his herb-based genius before continuing. "You could always use RWBY's shower."

...

"What? Are you nuts?!"

"Jaune, I fail to see the problem. Why can't you just go across the hall and ask to use their shower? We're so close to them that we're practically roommates already."

"Because they're girls, Ren! Asking that kind of thing is weird. Besides, the last thing I want is to ask four beautiful women for a favor smelling like this."

Ren smiled and shook his head. "Jaune, they're our friends. They won't think any less of you for wanting to clean yourself up."

"Yeah, maybe not Ruby or Blake, but you know Yang won't stop teasing me about it and Weiss will probably accuse me of being a pervert and trying to corrupt Ruby or something…" Jaune grimaced, with just a touch of irritation playing about his features.

"Pfft, who cares? Weiss is a butt anyway." Nora replied, even as she continued to mess with the taps of their now busted shower.

"Nora!" Jaune quickly chastised her. Sure, he wasn't trying to pursue her anymore, but she was still a friend...an admittedly annoying one sometimes.

"What? She's all super stickler about the rules and stuff and everything has to be in order and blah blah blah." Nora countered.

Jaune froze. "Wait...do you mean she's anal?"

Nora sighed and rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah!"

"Then why didn't you-" Jaune stopped himself and sighed yet again. "You know what? Never mind. I'm just going to try my luck with Team RWBY. I'll just have to hope Weiss is in a good mood. Can one of you two hand me a towel?"

Almost immediately, an orange towel was thrust into his face by Nora, who was smiling from ear to ear. Jaune unfolded it and his lips turned further downward. "Nora?"

"Yeah, Jaune-Jaune?"

"A bigger one, please?" The size of the towel was barely big enough to wrap around his waist, and he'd have to hold it with both hands just to keep it up.

Nora laughed nervously. "Ehehehe, see, funny thing about that…"

Jaune whimpered. "What?"

"That's kinda the last towel left. I used up most of them trying to mop up the water from when I was adjusting the taps."

There was silence following that and Jaune could only turn away, towel slung over his shoulder. Talking wasn't getting him anywhere. It was decided, after he managed to get a shower, he was going to sleep early and if anyone woke him up, he was putting them on Nora clean up duty for a month.

Even if it was Nora herself.


Knock-knock

Jaune stood out in the hallway in his shirt and jeans, lips drawn into a thin line. He wasn't looking forward to doing this, but what other choice did he have? It was either that or go to sleep smelling like the back end of a mule. He could hear voices from the other side of the door, muffled enough to where he could only pick out various voices by octaves, but not what they were saying. A minute or two passed before he heard a loud 'THUD' followed by what was obviously muffled cursing. Finally the door opened up to reveal Ruby, her silver eyes staring up at Jaune with a surprised, but happy smile.

"Hey, Jaune! What's up?"

Jaune scratched the back of his head nervously. "Erm, well...long story short, Nora kinda ended up messing up our shower, and until I can get Goodwitch to send someone to repair it, we're kinda having issues with the bathing front. I was hoping that...I could kinda...maybe...if it wouldn't be too much effort...use your guys' shower?"

Ruby nodded happily. "I'll have to ask everyone, but I don't think it'll be a pro-"

Weiss pushed the other girl out of the way and stood in the doorway, one hand on her hip, the other in Jaune's face. "Absolutely not! Under no circumstances are you to disrobe within this room!"

Jaune laughed nervously and scratched at the back of his head. Did she really have to put it like that? "Technically I won't be in the room, I'll be next to it. And I can't really wear my clothes into the shower."

"I don't care! I refuse to have a naked man anywhere near my partner!" Weiss then paused for a brief moment before continuing with, "Or me! No nakedness near me either!" Her face took on that cute flush it always had when she was embarrassed. Her skin was so pale, it didn't take much to color it.

"Weiss." A reproachful voice spoke from behind her.

"What?!" Weiss indignantly turned to face the voice, which turned out to be Blake.

"Jaune needs to clean up and we have the ability to help him. Even you know he would never do something like that, so I'm not sure why we're still talking about this."

Weiss looked like she was about to yell some more, but she instead let out a petulantly puff of air and stalked back to her bed, burying her face in her pillow.

"Well?" Her muffled voice reached Jaune.

"Uh, Weiss? You realize I'm not naked yet, right?"

"I'm preparing myself."

Blake chuckled from her bed as Jaune stepped into the room. "We had a similar conversation around the first week of school, when Weiss refused to allow anyone to change in the same room. Yang eventually got so fed up that she threatened to not only change in the room, but also to not wear any underwear. Weiss glowed like a mag torch, but we were able to settle things."

Jaune chuckled, but his own cheeks glowed with how hard he was trying to not imagine that image. "Hey, thanks for your help."

Blake smiled at him before returning to her book. "No problem, Jaune."

Yang called out from her top bunk, "Go get yourself clean, but don't you dare touch my shampoo!"

Jaune shook his head and revealed his own toiletries under his towel. "Relax, I brought my own."

Ruby giggled behind her hand and pointed. "Isn't that baby shampoo?"

With a huff and a slight darkening of his cheeks, Jaune stowed the shampoo underneath his towel to avoid further teasing. "You may mock me, but at least it won't sting if it gets in my eyes."

Yang chuckled. "You do realize that it's not no more tears but no more tears, right? It keeps your hair from getting damaged."

Jaune fell silent, and his eyes went wide. "I... I've been living a lie." Ruby giggled, and Jaune broke out into a smile. Anyway, I'm taking a shower and going to bed." With that, Jaune proceeded to rush into the restroom before his ego could be damaged any further, the sounds of Yang's chuckles and Ruby's weak attempts to bring order back to the room falling to muffles behind the closed door.

He sighed yet again, by this point in the night having lost count of how many times he'd done so. There was one good thing about having no dignity left to speak of.

It wasn't like he could lose any more, right?

[Team JNPR Dorm]

Pyrrha stepped into the room, and immediately realized three things upon initial inspection alone. One, that Nora had obviously done something detrimental to the safety and/or cleanliness to the dorm judging by the look on her face and how she kept looking nervously between Ren and herself. Two, that Jaune was not in the room as his presence was easily spotted in any situation, and lastly that Jaune had left his armor atop his bed, which was usually a good indicator that he should be taking a shower about now. No it wasn't weird that she knew the habits and patterns of her partner. She was just observant, that was all.

"So…" The redhead began, "What happened?"

Ren just sighed and looked over to Nora, who at least had the decency to look embarrassed. "Nora here has done something to the shower. So unless you want to bathe in watered down maple syrup, I suggest you find some other method to do so until someone can fix the plumbing."

"Oh." Pyrrha blinked. Unsurprisingly, this didn't appear to phase her, although her inner thoughts could most likely be compared to Jaune's earlier ones. Exasperation and resignation. She shook her head. "In that case, where is Jaune?"

Ren absentmindedly thumbed in the direction of the dorm's door. "He's across the hall in Team RWBY's room using their shower."

Try as she might, Pyrrha, couldn't resist the sting of jealousy that flashed through her mind at the possibility that one of Team RWBY would see her blond love interest naked. Again, she shook her head, trying to dislodge the thought. "O-oh, okay. I honestly could just use the locker room showers in the morning if need be." The spartan took a seat at her desk and pulled out her study guide, a massive book that hit the wooden desk with a very audible 'THUD' and looked about as thick as Nora's usual morning stack of pancakes.

Once again Team JNPR's room fell into silence, the kind of comfortable silence that could only come from those who were close to one another. Pyrrha studied, Nora fiddled with the mechanisms on her hammer, and Ren began to perform maintenance on his own weaponry. Nights like these were rare, and precious.

Little did they know that said nights would become even rarer with the events about to unfold in the next room…

[Team RWBY Dorm]

Okay, take a deep breath. You can do this. It's only a few feet from the bathroom door to the dorm door, and then across the hall to your dorm. You'll just speed on through and ignore anything Yang says. Jaune closed his eyes, his hands trying to keep his towel wrapped around himself. His hair was still matted and wet. He took a breath and held it for a few seconds before releasing it. Another breath, and then he spoke up from behind the door. "I'm coming out now, Weiss!" He waited a few seconds, and with the air of a man who was about to go to war, opened the door. He stepped out into the room proper, and, unsurprisingly, three pairs of eyes were directly on him. Trying to ignore them, he proceeded to make his way nervously across the dorm, praying that nothing would happen.

Yang and Blake didn't say a word, but their thought processes were quite similar as they quietly watched the nervous blond boy try to exit the room with haste. Wow...all that training Pyrrha's putting him through is really paying off...Sure, he wasn't at Sun's level of abs, but he was certainly filling out. Blake had actually taken the time to pull out her Scroll and carefully place it above the top of the book she was reading so she could stealthily take pictures. Sure, she wasn't super into Jaune, but she wasn't one to waste such an opportunity to take a few photos of his growth. It might even impress some of the girls in the secret Beacon bulletin board. Or she could use it to get a few favors out of Pyrrha. Lord knows the girl was thirsty for Jaune.

Yang on the other hand suddenly realized as Jaune was about to reach the door that she was giving up prime teasing opportunity. Thinking fast, she gripped her scroll and shouted, "Vomit Boy! Catch!" WIth that, she tossed the Scroll at Jaune, who in a panic let go of one end of the towel to grab the speeding Scroll. He stepped forward, the towel around his waist now being held up only by one hand barely covering his modesty with other hand ready to grab the Scroll in an automatic response. That's when disaster struck.

Blake tended to read late into the night, and often would resort to candlelight to read her dirty books when everyone else was trying to get some sleep. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten to clean up the candles the night before, and Jaune's bare foot stepped onto one of them, causing him to sleep and fall backwards, hitting the ground hard. He groaned and whimpered. "Ow…Yang...why…"

Jaune rubbed his head, having smacked the back of it onto the floor of the dorm room. He'd been so close to getting out of the room without incident, so why did Yang feel the need to torment him?! What the hell had he tripped on, anyway? He slowly climbed to his feet, feeling his Aura take care of the dizziness he'd gotten from tripping. It was then he noticed something. The room was oddly silent. He looked up to see Yang, Blake and Weiss all staring at him in complete shock. Yang's jaw was hanging open like Jaune had grown an extra head, Blake was hiding her face behind her book with her bow twitching furiously, and Weiss…

Weiss twitched and suddenly her head snapped back as though she'd been struck with a baseball bat, blood flying from her nose and body collapsing onto her bed. Jaune blinked in confusion, only to suddenly realize something. The room had gotten a lot more breezy in the past few seconds. Slowly, with horror and realization mounting on his face, he looked down…

Only to notice the towel was on the floor.

Sheer embarrassment and humiliation froze him in place, his mind going blank as he internally panicked. So terrified was he, of the reaction that would surely happen, that he didn't notice that Blake's scroll was taking picture after picture. What did finally bring him out of his reverie was Yang's boisterous voice shouting out, "Holy hell, Arc! Why the hell are you bothering with Crocea Mors?! You could just use that sword!"

Jaune bent over and grabbed the towel so quickly that it looked as though he'd temporarily tapped into some sort of time-dilation Semblance in the half a second after Yang's teasing shout. He looked up, stammering and sweating as he began to inch toward the door once more. Yang had already pulled out her own Scroll and was, from the looks of it, texting someone. "Oh god, I'm so sorry! I-I didn't mean to!" Jaune managed to spit out as his mind began to play through various worst-case scenarios that could result from this particular tragic mishap. He gripped the towel tighter and turned toward the door, only for said door to suddenly burst open revealing a very red faced Pyrrha who looked out of breath, as though she'd ran over as fast as possible. He watched as his partner looked at him, her expression going from 'excited' to 'disappointed' very slowly before she turned away and walked back out. A moment later, he heard a muffled scream of frustration and a cry of "it's not fair!" from his dorm.

Jaune blinked in confusion, and shook his head. With haste he'd never shown before, Jaune quickly followed Pyrrha, not bothering to even look behind him. The sound of Yang's laughter rang in his ears, and his face was as red as Pyrrha's hair. Even as he slammed Team RWBY's door behind him and stood out in the hallway, his body stiffened with shame, he thought to himself, Well, that could have gone better...at least it didn't look like Ruby saw anything…

Back in the room, the aforementioned Red Reaper sat quietly on her bed, her expression hidden behind her bangs even as her sister began to chat with Blake about Jaune's new 'sword.' The book sitting in her lap was forgotten about, and the discussion was only so much static to Ruby's mind. She simply sat on to the top bunk of her bed, eyes wide open in awe. It was the first time she'd ever seen a boy's...thing before. The only thing she could think in regards to it was, 'Now that's a katana!'


S/N: You think things have gotten awkward now? We're only just beginning. So, this is a collaborative project between myself and my amigo, LaughingLefou. As the tags suggest, this is Lancaster, and our goal is to make things as stupidly awkward and hilarious as possible. There will be pervertedness, blackmail, yandere, awkwardness, jokes, gags, and japes. Despite the fact that I'm a part of this, and it's being posted on my account, there won't be any smut. The idea that I write things other than sex seems to confuse some people.

L/N: What on earth is wrong with me? This idea was something that just randomly popped into my head along the lines of, "What if Ruby was actually perverted?" Then from there, it just sort of became...well, this. As Spooky above has said, this is a collaborative project with us pooling our efforts to create this masterpiece of insanity, perversion and awkwardness. Not quite to the extent of Immortal, but I feel as though this should tickle enough people's funny bones to be worth the read.