Hello, lovers! Got a crush on someone but you don't know how to tell them? Do you not know how to hold a conversation to keep them interested or *ahem* lead to pleasurable thoughts and ideas? And if you already have a mate, do you know the best ways to protect them? Do you know how to keep off offenders who try to steal you mate? Or do you not have a mate at all and not know how to find one? Do you have any other questions or problems with mating and sex?!!?! Well this is the book for you! Inu Yasha's Guide to Mating! Now in book stores everywhere! Inu Yasha does not belong to any of us, but to Rumiko Takahashi, an older woman who lives in Japan and probably speaks Japanese herself! ^_^
A stand of flashy red books with a picture of Inu Yasha grinning on the cover of each one sat in the middle of no where. Shippou was sitting behind the counter, leaning back in his chair and flipping a coin. Selling the book "Inu Yasha's Guide to Mating" was a great idea!
Inu Yasha walked past without even seeing and Shippou continued flipping the coin like he didn't see him. A few seconds later, Inu Yasha came running back and grabbed one of the copies and gasped at it. "Wha?!! What the seven hells?!?"
"Hey hey!" Shippou stopped flipping the coin and glared at him. "Buy it or get out! This isn't a library!"
Inu Yasha grabbed Shippou and shook him. "What the hell is this?! I didn't agree to this?!"
"Yes you did! It was your idea, Cheeseball!" Shippou said, causing Inu Yasha to punch him in the head.
"That's right Inu Yasha! You said what you wanted in the book while Shippou wrote it, remember?" Kagome came over.
"I do not remember! It never happened!" Inu Yasha shouted.
"Yeah it did!" Kagome nodded like it was innocent. "Sango injected the male horomone into you and you told Shippou to take note as you told him all there is to know about mating!" She blushed and looked away. "You're actually pretty in depth at times."
Inu Yasha blushed and grabbed one of the books. "I'm going to get to the bottom of this!" he waved the book at Kagome to show he meant business and hopped off to find a good place to read it.
"Get back here, shoplifter!" Shippou shouted. "You're supposed to pay for that! I'm calling the police and they'll put you in the who'scow!!!"
Inu Yasha's Guide To Mating
Hello, my name is Inu Yasha, and I am a hanyo! Don't stop reading the book just because I'm a hanyo though! Being a hanyo has it's advantages; it means that I can offer love advice to both humans and demons! Pretty cool, huh? ^_^
And even though I'm a guy, I can offer love advice to both sexes, because I'm smart like that! Yeah, I'm really smart….Kagome should be coming to realize that someday….
(Shippou: Inu Yasha stay on topic…)
(Inu Yasha: Shut up! I'm the one offering advice to YOU!! Now where was I…oh yeah!...)
Mate. It might seem like a scary word. But like that famous guy whose name I can't remember said, "You have nothing to fear, but fear itself!"…That makes zero sense actually…
(Shippou: Inu Yasha, are you going to offer advice or what?)
(Inu Yasha: Yeah, yeah, I'm getting to it…)
But everyone gets nervous on their first date. The first date I went on, I almost wet my pants twice….
(Shippou: YOU went on a date???)
(Inu Yasha: Shut up Shippou! I'm talking over here!)
Now let's say you're a regular guy or girl. If you're a guy, and you don't have a woman, that means there must be something wrong with you! Either that, or you don't know what you're doing, or you haven't met the right person or some crap like that…there are billions of reasons! I'll cover as many as I can, and maybe I'll cover some left out shit later on footnotes. Okay? Good.
If you're a woman, and you don't have a man, it must mean you're ugly! That or you haven't met the right guy or some shit like that….ditto information from the above paragraph.
(Shippou: Inu Yasha, slow down, I can't write that fast!)
(Inu Yasha: Deal with it, slowpoke…)
When looking for the right mate, you can look for people who are smart, or pretty, or identical to your personality, but in a way, your screwed in all aspects!
(Shippou: Oooh wow, Inu Yasha! You're using complicated words!)
(Inu Yasha: Sod off, Shippou!)
But that doesn't mean you should go around looking for a mate that you hate. (Hey! That rhymes!)
Look for as many attractive characteristics as you can in personality and sexually. It counts as a buffer for hate as your togetherness progresses…Marriage is like a hot bath…the longer your in it, the cooler it gets…get it?
(Shippou: Not really…)
(Inu Yasha: No one cares…)
Some people like people who are exactly like them. If you look in a zodiac book, it goes by those standards. But zodiac relationships are screwed up anyway. Some people go into that whole opposites attract category. Only a total IDIOT would believe in zodiac relationships…
(Scorpiogal: *comes over and whacks him upside of the head then walks away again*)
(Inu Yasha: Ow! ….Bitch!)
And also, when woman go into a relationship, they usually want a man who can provide for them. They want "se-cur-i-ty." Or as some of them may put it "a solid future." The bitches…
(Shippou: It doesn't sound that bad to me..)
(Inu Yasha: That's because you're a stupid kid. Now keep writing…)
And men want woman who can fulfill their needs. You know what I'm talking about?
(Shippou: Oh, here we go….)
They want woman who are smart….but not too smart, woman who have a sense of humor….
(Shippou: In other words, they laugh at all of the guy's jokes…)
(Inu Yasha: Shippou, what did I say about shutting up??!?)
…they want woman who can fulfill a guy's sexual needs as well. Not all guys will admit it, but everyone, even woman have sexual needs. If you don't have sexual needs…then your dead. All things created on earth are meant to be born…have sex…reproduce…then die….
(Shippou: Why do I feel like sticking my head in the lake?)
All life starts and ends with love. Men check woman out when they where short green school skirts on a windy day, and woman check men out when they're sword fighting, and their chests are showing, and are soaked in sweat and rippling with muscles. And both check each other out when they bend over….
(Shippou: I'm not hearing this…)
(Inu Yasha: Sure they do! Even Sango does!!)
Everyone reading this right now has checked somebody out at least once in their life and they know it! ADMIT IT!! You are minions of horniness!!!
*slaps Inu Yasha across the
face to snap him out of it*)
(Inu Yasha: *punches Shippou in the head*)
Muwahahahahaha….Anyway, while I could babble on about that kind of stuff…
(Shippou: Oh please do…)
(Inu Yasha: Shippou, if I hear one more sarcastic remark out of you…)
There is much more to talk about. Love and mating are a very complicated matter. Luckily you have me to explain it to you…
(Shipou: We are so greatful…)
Yasha: That's it!)
Okay, ya'll! If you have any questions you'd like to ask Inu Yasha as the book progresses, he will answer them later on in his chapters! ^_^