"Thanks," Lisa said as she accepted the beer from Meg and cracked it open. She took a long drink and then burped loudly. "Excuse me," she said, slightly embarrassed. "Okay, I'm not sure what you know of Springfield, but the richest and most evil man in town was one Montgomery Burns. Even when he was trying to do good it would twist around and become evil. My family was close to him for some strange reason and at one point he'd even tried to adopt my older brother Bart. Now, when the sirens went off, Bart somehow knew this wasn't a test. He gathered up everyone he could and led us to this security door set into a hill just outside of town that he knew the code for." Lisa took a sip of beer and hopped up on the counter. "Turns out that Mr. Burns had tried to bond with Bart over video games and had really taken to Fallout, so he'd built an actual vault."

"Vault?" Meg asked.

"Fallout was a popular video game about after a nuclear war, where the only survivors were the ones who had hidden out in these fallout shelters called vaults when the bombs started to fall," Lisa explained. "The company who did it, did it to experiment on them, but the idea was sound. So, there we were, inside a massive fallout shelter created by Mr. Burns. Bart had managed to get his best friend Milhouse and most of the girls we knew, as well as Maggie, Mom, and I to follow him. Not sure if he couldn't convince anyone else, there wasn't enough time, or those were simply the only ones he really cared about. Mr. Burns had stocked the place well, it had enough supplies to last generations and libraries filled with rare books. I dove into the library and didn't come up for air for nearly half a year."

"Mr. Burns didn't show up?" Adam asked curiously.

"No, he'd built this vault just for Bart," Lisa replied. "I'm sure his own fallout shelter was beneath his mansion. Anyway, to make a long story short, there were only two boys there and when I hit my teens… Well, when Bart started to look good to me, I decided I had to get out of there."

"What about Milhouse?" Meg asked.

"He's Milhouse," Lisa said flatly, "enough said. Anyway, the library turned out to have a large occult section in it, and with a great deal of time and effort I made contact with Slutlife. I was originally going to become an agent, but after testing I was found to have all the traits needed to become an Adjuster, and since I can't really see myself going around slaying dragons," she flashed the pair a grin, "well, here I am." She shotgunned the rest of her beer.

"What about your mom and Maggie?" Meg asked.

"Maggie turned out to be even smarter than I am," Lisa said with a smile, "and they recruited her into Research. She's actually the breadwinner in the family. We have a very nice home in an alternate Springfield where the native version of Mom married some rich bum and spends her time jet setting around the world, so Mom is trying to hook up with their Homer, but he's seeing a country music star and some woman who works at the power plant, so it's been slow going."

"And Bart?" Adam asked.

"Maggie relocated the vault to underneath our house, but none of them want to leave it. It's like a free love commune in there and they have everything they want so… meh." Lisa shrugged and opened another beer. "So, what's your stories?"

"I got summoned by an elder being that looked like Slenderman. I was excited and half convinced I was dreaming, so I didn't even read the contract. I asked for everything we have listed and he gave it to me before I signed the contract with stars in my eyes. He then carved off a third of me while I defended myself with The Sword of Thundara. He vanished with the section of me he'd cut off and I absorbed the pieces of him I'd cut off and the sword, to fill in the bits of me he'd claimed and then set about figuring out what to do. I could feel a dormant connection to the company and knew I needed a waifu to activate it. I figured out how to work my gate and used it to travel to a plague world for supplies while I worked on the details of what I wanted to do. There were three women that immediately sprang to mind, you two and Belle from Beauty and The Beast and she was mostly just a joke. I decided that Meg was the one who I could make happiest, so I chose her."

Meg immediately tackled him in a hug, squeezing him tightly as he stumbled backwards and laughed.

"It seems you've succeeded," Lisa said with a grin.

"And that pretty much brings us up to here," he said.

"So, you have an… active connection to the company?" Lisa asked.

"To my catalog anyway," Adam replied. "That's how I knew my points total and was able to call for an Adjuster and order Perk Sharing and Optimization."

"That shouldn't be possible… but would explain some things," she said. "I thought Chris had put in the order for those before he was replaced."

"Nope, it was me," Adam replied.

"Best guess is that the old one's flesh you've grafted to yourself is providing the connection, another thing for research to figure out," Lisa said.

"Pretty sure everyone who signs the contract has a connection," Adam told her.

"Yes, they do, however they usually can't feel it and they certainly can't manipulate it."

Adam considered that. "You may have a point there. Before I forget, see if the teams evacuating the world can replace the LA reactor with something more long lasting and easier to operate. I want at least one city to have power and I happen to like LA."

Lisa picked up her tablet and tapped away. "Do you have any great desire for England's crown jewels? Because that'll cover the cost."

"That's fine," he replied, "if I really want them, I can pick up a set off the world set in Stephen King's The Stand."

"How many worlds do you have the address for?" Lisa asked.

"Night of the Comet, The Stand, Meg's world, and Gilligan's Island," he listed off.

"Gilligan's Island?" the two muttered.

"Yeah, I was testing the gate and it reminded me of here, as I at least partially based it on it," Adam replied. "I haven't actually gone there, but I opened the Gate there while testing it, so I do have it."

"You just… think of a world and it opens to it?" Lisa asked in disbelief.

"Pretty much," he agreed. "I've only opened them to places I know from books and TV, but I haven't had any problems."

"That is so broken," Lisa said, opening another beer.

"Yes, yes, it is," Adam agreed with a grin, leaning against the counter with Meg in his arms.

"My story is simple," Meg said with a grin. "A man with a red eye stuck a rag soaked in chloroform in my face and I woke up in his RV. Compliments and a proposal followed as he showed me things I thought were impossible."

Lisa smiled. "Yeah, I was half tempted to track you down and kidnap you myself after I got to know your family, but being only eight… I didn't have much of a chance and I knew it."

The two shared a smile before Lisa's tablet made a loud ding.

"Oh, it looks like they are working on your case. A researcher will meet us at your World Gate to run some tests and they'll see if they can start fulfilling your requests," she said as she read her messages, absently sipping her beer.

"Excellent, we're going to need some practice with most of it before going in, so the sooner the better," Adam said.

Lisa finished her beer and tossed the empty cans in the trash, grabbing a package of breath mints off the counter. "Give me a minute to get the smell of alcohol off my breath before we meet them."

"Pretty sure most Adjusters drink heavily," he assured her, making her giggle.

"Yeah, but that's only after having dealt with them for a while," Lisa replied, popping a mint in her mouth. "Dealing with you has been a lot easier than I was warned it would be."

"Most agents are under a lot of stress," Adam said thoughtfully, "probably why they live such hedonistic lifestyles, it helps."

"Shouldn't you be under the same?" Meg asked, concerned.

"No," he waved it off, "they all run high-risk high-reward missions taking tons of risks, I think low-risk medium-reward is a much better plan."

"Amen to that," Lisa said, raising a beer, then frowned as she realized she'd opened another one without thinking about it and set it on the counter. "Let's go before I end up drinking another beer. I swear, I'm not normally like this."

"It's just stress," Adam waved it off, "they've built up the job in your mind to be an impossible task where everything will go wrong. I'm sure once you get used to it, you'll be fine."

"That's just the kind of thing those snooty elf bitches would do," Lisa said with a snort, before clearing her throat and blushing. "Ignore that."

Adam chuckled while Meg giggled. "Yeah, I've heard they can be… unwelcoming of outsiders, as their social cliques are ranked by how connected you are to the company and not how talented you are. They'll be a lot more friendly to you after I manage to complete a mission. Once that happens, you'll be the Adjuster of a successful agent and thus an asset to the company."

Lisa perked up, then frowned. "I don't like the fact that, that makes me feel better."

"They aren't as bad as you think," Adam assured her, "their culture developed the way it did for a reason."

"So, they aren't snooty elf bitches?" Meg asked.

"Oh no, they are most certainly that," Adam said, "it's just that there's more reasons for their behavior than just that."

"Is that good or bad?" Meg asked confused.

"It just is," he replied, opening the door for them. "Lisa probably aced tests that they spent decades studying for, which made them doubt their own self worth."

"Story of my life," the blonde woman said with a sigh.

Adam waved a hand and a hole opened up in the air. "There's nowhere to go but up," he assured her as they stepped through the gate, finding a younger blonde on the other side who looked quite a bit like Lisa.

"Maggie?" Lisa asked in surprise.

"Like I'd let another researcher work with your agent," Maggie said with a grin, smiling at her sister as she stood there with her hands on her hips, wearing a tan jumpsuit and black steel toed boots with a white lab coat over the top, numerous devices hanging from her tool belt and stuffed in her many pockets.

Lisa stepped forward and gave her younger sister a hug. "Well, I'm happier to be working with you than Riley."

"Riley's not that bad," Maggie defended her co-worker.

"There are lots of people in research who are worse," Lisa said, "but she tends to forget that she's working on people and that they may not want nipples that can secrete a near infinite amount of soft serve ice cream, or a bag of devouring installed in their bellybutton to prevent lint buildup."

"Actually, both those things sound pretty awesome," Adam admitted, "though I wouldn't use my nipples for soft serve."

"Of course, you wouldn't, you're a guy," Maggie said with a smirk, her eyes dipping below his waist for a moment.

Adam rolled his eyes. "Infinite ice cream means you don't have to worry about starvation or dehydration, but it's a lot more useful if you can reach it with your mouth."

Maggie stared at him for a second. "That is the most practical response I've ever heard. Where would you dispense it from?"

"Depends on how big an opening I'd need and how fast it comes out. Ideally, I'd like to be able to use my pores, so I have a lot more options on where to dispense it from."

Maggie pulled a notebook out and wrote something down. "I'll pass it along, because that sounds like something that would actually help agents in areas with a dearth of resources."

"Soft Serve Penis does sound useful for your companions," Meg teased before frowning, "or like a medical condition."

Adam laughed so hard he had to wipe tears from his eyes. "Soft Serve Penis… Man, I am easily amused."

"He seems much more well-adjusted than I was led to believe," Maggie said to her sister.

"Thankfully," Lisa agreed.

"Alright, let's get this party started. Please remove all your clothes." Maggie took a small black hammer, that looked like a quarter size reproduction of Mjolnir made of obsidian off her belt and waited for him to strip before slowly waving it around Adam's torso.

"A hammer?" Adam asked. "No, you can basically make your tools look like anything, so you chose a hammer so when you are frustrated you can also hit things with it," he guessed.

"And people," Maggie agreed cheerfully. "Gamer ability is hosed, I can maybe save a single aspect of it and not a large one either."

Lisa winced.

"What aspect?" Adam asked.

"Basically, your clothes doll. Instant clothes change and limited storage, everything fits," she said, twirling her hammer. "On the plus side, weapons and armor do count as clothes." She gestured for him to do a full turn.

"I can share that perk, right?" he asked as he slowly turned.

"Counts as a one-point perk," Maggie said, running her eyes up and down his form. "In fact, I think we're going to want to take some readings and add that to the catalog. While it doesn't compare to the full Gamer ability, you can't deny its utility."

"So, I could pick up any pair of shoes or bra and they'll simply fit without a problem?" Meg asked in disbelief.

"If he uses Perk Sharing," Maggie agreed.

"As soon as she has it fixed," Adam promised her, jumping a little as Maggie poked him in the side to get him to finish turning.

"All my life I've had a hard time finding things that fit," Meg said, "it was only after you shared Optimization that I was able to get a bra that I didn't need to cut in half and modify myself, not to mention needing shoes from two different pairs!"

"All in the past," he assured the ecstatic girl. "Can I put on my clothes now or do you need to take more readings?"

"I can scan right through your clothes," Maggie assured him.

"Then why did he have to get undressed?" Lisa asked.

"I wanted to see him naked," Maggie replied.

"What?" Lisa asked, freezing in place, wondering if she'd heard what she thought she'd heard.

"I wanted to see him naked, so I asked him to take off his clothes," Maggie told her. "Really, if you don't ask for what you want, you'll never get it."

Adam snickered as he retrieved his clothes, Meg laughing along with him.

Lisa groaned out, "I wish I'd gotten us out of the vault sooner, growing up there has corrupted you."

Maggie tapped him on the shoulder with her hammer. "Okay, the… Wardrobe… Yeah, let's call it Wardrobe for now. The Wardrobe is working, just think about putting your clothes away and then putting them on."

Adam's clothes vanished from his hands and then he was suddenly dressed. "Nice," he said with a smile as he stretched and turned. "Feels like they were tailored for me."

"Now, think about putting your clothes away and then having them in your hands," Maggie ordered.

Adams clothes vanished and then appeared in his hands, neatly folded.

"Good, that functions as expected," Maggie said, pleased.

Adam was suddenly dressed once more. "Can I share the ability with Meg now?"

"You should be able to," she agreed. "It's stable."

Adam reached over and tapped Meg, granting her the same power.

Meg's clothes vanished and then reappeared, and she wiggled about. "Oh my god, this is perfect!"

Maggie pulled out a cellphone and tapped away at it for a moment. "Chef, Lover Boy, and Mr. World Wide are authorized. You'll gain them while you sleep tonight, since they are mainly just information downloads with only minor physical alterations. I could give them to you in an instant, but that would be needlessly painful."

"Physical changes?" Meg asked curiously.

"Chef and Lover Boy enhance the senses slightly," Maggie explained, "while Mr. World Wide causes a slight change in the hippocampus. Granting them to companions is painful, unless done while they are passed out drunk or stoned, just so you know."

"Good to know," Adam said. "Thanks for the warning."

"It's what I'm here for… among other things," she said flirtatiously.

"Please try and be professional," Lisa begged.

"If he wasn't your Agent, I would be professional," Maggie told her older sister, "but since he is, that means he's as good as family."

"Just because I'm his Adjuster doesn't mean I'm going to end up in his harem," Lisa said firmly.

"You just keep telling yourself that," Maggie said cheerfully, ignoring Lisa's sputtered denials as she pulled out a vial filled with glowing golden fluid and turned back to Adam. "Let's start with Heavenly, as the order we do these in can affect the amount of power you end up with. For instance, taking Heavenly first makes you much more compatible with Healing Hands and Find the Whey."

"You're the expert," he agreed, accepting the vial.

"Best remove your clothes first," Maggie suggested. "Wings," she reminded him before anyone could comment.

Adams clothes vanished with a thought and he grinned. "That is never going to get old," he said before pulling the cork out of the vial and downing it. He felt a surge of energy and two large glowing wings erupting from his back which he flicked out awkwardly, unbalanced himself, and fell over with a squawk.

"That's normal," Maggie assured him as he accidentally flipped himself onto his face with a flick of his wings, as everyone jumped back to avoid his flailing. "It takes a second or two for the instinctive control to kick in."

"I think I've got it," Adam said, as he carefully climbed to his feet, before smacking himself in the face with a wing and knocked himself down once more.

"Honey," Meg said gently, "why don't you just lay there for a minute."

"Yes, Dear," he said with a grin, and stopped trying to move about while he waited for the potion to finish its work.

Meg beamed at being called dear.

The gate hummed softly as it activated and a small army of people marched through it, drawing everyone's attention. It looked like someone had cloned half a dozen people over and over, dressed them in boots and tan jumpsuits, then turned them loose.

"Your Terminators are here," Maggie said. "A bit much for your current abode, but it'll certainly be the cleanest and most well protected Winnebago in existence."

"Castle is on order," Adam said, rolling his eyes but smiling as he climbed to his feet and cautiously stretched his wings. He gestured and the gate activated itself, revealing downtown LA. "Leave two female units, the rest head through the gate and start cleaning up the mess left behind by the departed humans. There are clothes scattered about and food going bad. We need all that cleaned up and the perishable foods taken to the city dump. Also be sure to turn off personal appliances left on in all the residences."

The mass of Terminators turned and silently walked off, leaving a Cameron and Sarah model standing at attention.

"Why did you want two female Terminators?" Meg asked.

"World's best Real Doll," Maggie suggested, lips twitching.

"I'm sure he didn't get them just for that," Lisa quickly 'defended' him.

"They give excellent blowjobs at the drop of a hat," Maggie offered, trying not to giggle. "It's part of their programming."

"He doesn't need a Terminator for that, he's got me!" Meg argued.

"I'm not wearing pants at the moment, and if I had male Terminators hanging around I'd feel awkward," Adam explained. He turned to the two Terminators. "Go through the gate and fetch us a picnic table with benches," he ordered the pair, who immediately turned and marched off.

"Enough teasing him, back to business," Maggie said firmly. "Stretch your wings and make sure you have your balance right," she ordered.

Adam stretched and turned, extending his wings like he'd been doing it his entire life, being careful not to knock anyone down. "Man, these things are bright," he said looking at the shadows cast in front of him because of the glow of his wings. "Any way to turn them down?"

"No, that's their nature," Maggie explained, "you can't even cover them with an illusion." She pulled a knife from one of the pockets of her jumpsuit and passed it to him. "You should be able to channel some of that light into melee weapons."

The knife in Adam's hand began to glow with a golden light, nearly as brightly as his wings. The knife vanished and then reappeared as he tested his Wardrobe function with the weapon before passing it back.

"Okay, that appears to be working right, so now we can go through the ritual for Find the Whey," Maggie said, pulling a six-foot staff topped with a crystal ball and several colorful feathers out of a pocket that could hold a few pens at best, and used it to make a circle in the dirt while she chanted things under her breath. The three waited quietly while they watched the teen use various powders to add symbols around the circle, apparently drawing freehand, but with a precision that was impressive. "Done," she announced after she'd triple checked her work. "Now, you just need to sit in this circle and smoke this," she said, handing him a joint and a lighter.

"Seriously?" Adam asked as he entered the circle, careful to avoid disturbing anything and sat down.

"We used to make a tea out of the herbs, but that requires drinking tea and sitting quietly for half an hour, which many agents found hard to do," Maggie told him. "Strangely enough they don't seem to have a problem smoking it."

"I'm not surprised," Adam with a chuckle, allowing his wings to vanish as he lit the joint and took a deep drag, before dissolving in a puff of smoke.

"He'll be back in half an hour," Maggie assured Meg who looked panicky. "It's a vision quest, where he has to be judged worthy by a goddess. Fortunately, we have a deal with her, so it's graded on a serious curve. You have to be a serious bonehead to fail it."


Adam looked around wildly, trying to pierce the fog surrounding him by force of will when a voice thundered out, "Are you a cat person or a dog person?"

Typing by: Me!

Beta by: Mist of Shadows & Abyssal Angel