Swallowing Materia can be Hazardous to your Health

By CloudRox & Firefly99

Disclaimer: Let's settle this with Plato's Three-Point Thinking Method.

If Cloudrox and Firefly99 owned FF7, there would be a sequel. There is no sequel to FF7 (FF8 has NO relation whatsoever) Therefore, CloudRox and Firefly 99 do NOT own FF7

Happy now?

Chapter 1

The first mistake…

Welding torch, check. Materia, check. Yuffie grinned as she lowered the welding mask. A blue flame shot out of the welding torch that was at least 20 centimetres long. Whoops…

Yuffie fiddled with the gas, extending the flame to about a foot or so long. Perfect.

Carefully, Yuffie placed the three materia on the anvil. She would weld them together, just to see what would happen. With any luck she'd create a materia capable of destroying a large chunk of the Planet, Meteor style. If she was even more lucky, she might have created something that would turn Cloud into a Mandragora or something. Her conscience told her that if she was lucky, she'd revive Aeris with this thing.

"God, conscience, go away. I thought I'd finally got rid of you." Yuffie whined, batting herself over the head with her Conformer. After several tries failed to shut up her conscience, she set her attention back on the welding.

The materia melted like resin, going all black and bubbly. An hour and a half later, she had a sparkly red, yellow and green ball with black stains on it where she'd been unable to polish off the burned bits. It was kinda pretty, thought Yuffie. Perhaps she could sell it as a one-of-a-kind accessory or something. No. Maybe she should try and cast it.

After several attempts at casting it, she decided it was a useless piece of junk. And thanks to the unpolishable black bits, she'd never be able to palm it off on someone. She only had one more idea.

"Oh, Vincent…"


"What is this?" Vincent asked, looking at the melded materia.

"It's…um…one of them biscuitty things…you know…the ones made with loadsa sweets melted together. I made it. They're real nice." Yuffie bluffed, hiding the welding torch behind her back. With any luck, she'd get Vincent to eat it. And that should be fun. She already had the camera ready.

Vincent scowled at her the way only Vincent can.

"This world had no room for sweetness. Only the deep bitterness of shadow can wake in this dark world. You may give yourself the illusion that the world is sweet and light, but only cold bitterness is there."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. How'd she get Vincent to do things again? Oh yeah…

"Vincent…if you eat the biscuit, you'll make me happy. And not making me happy counts as a SIN!!!! So you have to do it!!!!! Ha!"

Vincent took a deep breath and swallowed the materia whole.

The effect was instant. Vincent's face turned an interesting shade of mauve, which then faded to a blueish colour. He made a loud gagging noise.

"Vinnie?" Yuffie said, genuinely concerned. "Vinn? Are you OK?"

He made several loud gagging noises in response.

"Yuffie?" said a voice. "What's that noise?"

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. It's Cloud. Quick Vinnie, hide!" Yuffie threw a large pile of clothes over Vincent, partially muffling the gagging noises, and then backed the welding gas canister against the door. There was a few click noises as Cloud tried to open the door.

"The…the noise?" Yuffie said, slightly embarrassed. "Err…it's the…ummm…chocobos. I…ummm…put them in here to feed them."

There was a pause.

"We don't…have any chocobos." Cloud replied.

"Yes we do, yes we do, yes we do, I cast Mini on them so I could carry them around, ummm, and…ummm-"

Vincent made his gagging noise. Yuffie kicked the pile.

"That really isn't a healthy noise for a chocobo to be making, Yuff. What have you been feeding them?"


"Oh. Then what's with the noise?"

"Ummm…it's…errm…laying an egg. Yes. That's it. It's laying an egg." God, I'm getting better at this, Yuffie thought.

"Well, why have you barricaded the door then?"

"Ummm…you know they get angry if they see people when laying eggs and stuff..." Yuffie said, trying to tidy up the welding equipment.

"Then why are you in there?"

"I'm…er…cooking. Yes. Cooking."




"Yes." said Yuffie, desperately trying to arrange a frying pan and a few frozen sausages.

"I am fine, Cloud." said Vincent.

"Is that Vincent?"

"Yes. I'm making him the sausages. Yes."

"There aren't any chocobos really, are there Yuffie? You just made it up to hide the fact that Vincent had been eating your cooking."

"Exactly. No chocobos. Not a single one."

"Warrrk." said the pile of clothes. Why was Vincent making chocobo noises? thought Yuffie.

"That sounded like a chocobo to me, Yuffie."

"Yes. It's…ummm…my chocobo impression. Yeah."

There was a very long pause.

"I'm coming in."

"No! You can't!" Yuffie said, very worried

"Yes, I can."

Cloud used his Mako enhanced strength to push the door open just as Yuffie hid the last of the welding equipment.

"Wark." said the pile of clothes sadly.

Cloud instantly dug into the pile of clothes and found…

A chocobo.

A black chocobo.

A black chocobo with red eyes and a metal foot.

"It looks like Vincent, doesn't it?! Ehehehehehe…" Yuffie giggled nevously.

There was a long pause.