Swallowing Materia Can Be Harzardous to Your Health

by CloudRox1 and Firefly99

Al Bhed Cloud: Suja ed! GEMM DRAS!!

Cliché Cockney Dialect Cloud: 'Scuse me, me old china, but I think you've gone all sixes-'n'-sevens. You talkin' out of ya Khyber?

Al Bhed: ::is confused. Thinks for a moment, then furiously mimes pointing after the two authoresses, and then slitting his throat::

Cliché Cockney Dialect Cloud: Aaahh! Raight. Thanks, me ol' chum.

::All Clouds proceed to run after the authoresses, shouting battle cries in different languages and brandishing Buster Swords and pointy sticks. And a couple of flaming torches wielded by some of the more vehement Clouds. ::

Pig Latin Cloud (he's one of the latest 'results'): Oon-say, e-way ill-way ule-ray hem-tay all-ay!!

Random Language Which We Can't Currently Recognise Cloud (the worst 'result' so far, except possibly Cliché Cockney Dialect Cloud): Wh-na-hu-ki-al-ee? Gu-oif-gutiy-ut-weeaf.

Pig Latin Cloud: Orget-fay it-ay.

"Oh god..." Yuffie said. She had now calmed down a little bit, and was sitting on a chair. Her shirt had been completely soaked, so she was now wearing one of Cloud's spare turtlenecks. So what if the holes-where-sleeves-could-have-been went part of the way down to her elbow? And so what if the turtleneck practically touched her hairline at the back? It was comfy. And it smelt of Cloud.

Cloud, however, was suffering with having his Leader Instinct™ kicking in.

He reclined on the chair, all serious and leaderly. Just the way Yuffie liked.

"So," he began. "Personally, this has to be the most...trippy problem we've experienced so far, but it's still a problem, nonsensical or not. Therefore, there has to be a solution, nonsensical or not. Got it?"


"And although this is all impossible, it has to be possible because it's just happened, so by logic the solution must also be impossible but it also has to be a possible impossible thing otherwise we'll never be able to do it and therefore it won't work."

"...Yeah, I think."

"So, do you have any ideas?"

"Yup!" Yuffie proclaimed gleefully, trying not to snuggle into Cloud's top. God, SOLDIERs knew how to make uniforms. "Right. What we do is..." she paused, solely to add suspense, "what we do is we head down to the Gongaga Jungle, catch some jab frogs, and put them in a fruit juicer. Then we feed Vincent the juice. And then we drink the rest ourselves."

Cloud paused. "What?"

"Well, it's quite simple really. Everyone knows that jab frogs secrete a hallucinogen, right? So all we need to do is find exactly the right balance of hallucinogens and other things to make us all hallucinate that he isn't a chocobo. It can't take too much experimentation."

Cloud groaned. "Look, if you want to get off your face on drugs, you can do that after this whole nonsensical scenario. We need a proper solution, and we need it fast."

"Why fast?" Yuffie asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Because Vincent is one of our three long-range attackers."

"Oh, that? That's another thing that's easy to solve. We just glue his gun to his for'ead, here," she said, pointing at the proposed spot on her own head. Cloud wiped a tear of pure exasperation from his eye.

He wasn't sure how much longer he could bear this...this idiot...kid.

He lost the ability to insult people when he was stressed. Yet another reason to stay calm, cool, collected, composed, or, at least, Zackish.

Yeah, he never had this problem, did he?

"Or you could throw your sword like a boomera – aaaa!"


Yuffie tried to worm away from Cloud's fingers clawing into her jugular vein.

"Well, sor-ry."

"Fine," Cloud said, sitting back down in his chair, massaging his temples. "I'm sorry. The unthinkable has just happened. Not only that, but it happened in a stupid way that's actually sort of funny..." He moaned, and flopped his head forward onto his hand. "I think I feel an aura coming on."

"Aura what?"

"I feel dizzy and sick and horrible and it always means I'm going to get another migraine. So...I'm sorry. My patience is a bit...thin at the moment."

The migraines were one of the inevitable consequences of the mako therapy. About a fifth of all the SOLDIERs were off duty at any time due to them. It paid to know military secrets.

Yuffie simultaneously lowered her head. "Yuh. I'm...I'm just - just trying to cheer you up, Cloudy. Like...you seem to need it right now and everything, so I thought if I was funny, you might like me more. 'Cause I can be funny, and I know you like being happy, and stuff, y'know, like, stuuuuff..." Yuffie trailed off, looking lower and lower down at her feet as she spoke.

"I know. Life just sucks right now. And I think my sense of humour died along with Zack's persona, I'm afraid..."

"Yeah, everything sucks."





A long, depressed silence filled the room.

"Soooo," Yuffie ventured. "Do you listen to depressing goth music? 'Cause I think that might go with the current atmosphere. Got a CD?"

"I missed out on five whole years of music, Yuffie. Five years is a long time..." Cloud sighed. "Well, I didn't miss out on the bad songs that Hojo sometimes liked to play when writing his reports. Thankfully, I was mostly too doped up to remember many of them."

"Like what?"

Yuffie was shocked when Cloud sung the first few lines of one of them, for no apparent reason. Perhaps he's lying about the sense of humour thing.

"I'm an alchemist, baby!" Cloud sang in a surprisingly nice voice. "I can turn base metal into gold!" He paused. "Need I sing on?"

"Someone actually wrote a song with those words in?"


Yuffie groaned. "Oh man. No-one deserves five years of that."

"Look. This is just idle banter that isn't gettin' anywhere. What we need, Yuffie, is," he pounded the table with his fist as he spoke (it had been a particular habit of one of Zack's friends' enemies' brothers' mates which he'd eventually picked up on) which made Yuffie look at him strangely, "a PLAN! ...And coffee. And something for my head."

"And donuts!"


"Sorry. Just wanted to add something."

Cloud rose to his feet, running his fingers through his mess of blond hair. "Then it's settled. Does anyone know anything about Chaos and his motives?"

"He seems to like annoying Vincent."

"That's what he was put there for, Yu. Anything we don't already know?"

"Didja call me Yu?"

"It flows off the tongue easier than Yuff," Cloud moaned. WHY did he always have to explain EVERYTHING to her? "Chaos. Tell me about him. You know more about him than I do – "

" - Because I hung around Vincent just to annoy him!"

"And he kept losing control to Chaos out of pure irritation, so you two had a lot of time to get acquainted."
"What are you implying?"

Cloud's migraine was starting up.

"Absolutely nothing. Stop asking me to explain every little damn thing!"

"OKAY! Sheesh…spiky-haired-jerk…"

Cloud chose to ignore her.

"So we're drawing a blank about Chaos," Cloud said, drawing himself back on his chair. "Well, now we're screwed. We are really screwed. Really, really screwed. There is no WAY to describe the level of…of…screwation that we're in."

"Screwation? Is that a word?" Yuffie snorted. "Screwation?!"

"Yuffie –"

"Screw- whahahahahaa!! Oh..GOD!!"

Well, Cloud thought, looking at the hysterical Yuffie banging her fist on the table, at least one of us is enjoying ourselves.

As script is not allowed none anymore at all, we have the authoresses at our control. All your authors are belong to us. We brought language tape and it think we can speak the language, of English, good?

The authoresses say they think that Cloud saying idle banter with Yuffie saying it also is getting rather a lot of the fic, and it finds it annoying.

We say read on. It is their only thing to do in our hideout – write this fic. They seem to it like.

Number One (better as known Al Bhed Cloud)

Leader of the Cloud Clones Allience