Million Daria Baby

Disclaimer: I do not own Daria. No one does.

La la laaa la laaaaaa...

I said full stop

Bitch, you'll get rocked

That thing go pop, pop

Excuse you

Excuse you

You're 'bout to cash a check

Your face I'm gonna wreck

I'll put your ass to rest

Fuck standing on my neck

Fuck standing on my neck

La la laaa la laaaaaaaaaaa...

"She was off her rocker..." Jane sang semi-drunkenly, mimicking her karaoke from earlier that night to annoy her fairly new boxer boyfriend.

"Jane, you've gotta drop that record soon. You'll have your name in lights and on a sparkly sidewalk in no time." her boyfriend Jon joked.

"Be nicer to sidewalks man, they keep us off the streets. Your name, however, will end up on a park bench if you give me any more lip." she sassily replied, kissing him.

"Would be hard to do, Janey. You've already slayed me." Jon cooed.

"Mmm. I think tonight just might be your lucky night, buster. How's about we go all the way, what do you say?" Jane whispered.

"I'd say you're a poet and really did know it, you artsy fartsy, sexy thing you." he whispered back.

"I'm one hundred percent more fartsy than artsy. My dorm or yours, champ?" Jane asked.

"Mine, for sure. My roomie is on vacation." he told.


Jane was about to hit third base for the first time with her first college sweetheart after seeing each other for a little over a month and a half. The other two bases had already been covered and Jane admired that about a guy like him who had already had one other serious girlfriend in high school that he dated for almost a year. Eventually, they made their way to Jon's dorm and began to disrobe as they kissed. Jon placed Jane down on his bed.


"I'm ready, let's do it."

Jon inserted himself inside of Jane and she let out a gasp. She was no longer a virgin at this point.

"You okay, Janey?"

"I'm good, I'm good, keep going. Harder..." Jane moaned and sighed as she started to claw at his back. He then grabbed Jane's hands and trapped them above her head as he kissed her, surprising Jane. Nevertheless, they continued their humping as if they were animals in heat out in the wilderness. He soon moved his hands to her neck, constricting it ever so slightly.

"Don't you think a safe word might be in order?" Jane huffed.

"Yeah, it's shut the fuck up and take this dick." Jon growled, slapping Jane hard, one hand still around her throat.

Jane was frozen in shock. She managed to get out a few words seconds later.

"Jon...stop it. Get off me." Jane murmured.

"What? C'mon babe, I was just messing around..."

"I said, GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" Jane screamed, pushing Jon off while hitting him.

"Babe, I'm sorry! I might have gotten too rough, I admit it. Just talk to me." Jon reached for Jane but she avoided his touch and started putting on her close to leave.

"Will you just talk to me, Jane?!"

"Just leave me alone!" Jane cried and sniffled, rushing out.

Jane cried herself to sleep.

The Next Morning

The first thing Jane did when she woke up was call her best friend, Daria.


"Hey, Daria. It's me."

"Hey. Are we still on for trivia next Saturday night?"

"Actually, could we meet up this morning for coffee? Something happened, and I wanna tell you in person."

"Uh, yeah, sure. I don't have class until the afternoon. Is everything okay?"

"Just meet me at Woodley's, I'll tell you everything."

"Okay, I'll be there soon. I actually have something to tell you too."

Jane hung up. Daria drove over to the coffee shop to meet her girl friend and waved to Jane when she saw her.

"Hey amigo. Damn, you look like hammered crap. What's going on?" Daria asked sincerely.

"Jon...kinda raped me last night."


"We went out drinking last night, I got a little drunk and he wasn't as tipsy as me but we ended up knocking boots. He started getting more aggressive than I could handle and when I told him to get off me, he didn't right away and I had to push him off. I've been ignoring his calls all day." Jane explained, staring deep into her coffee.

"Jesus. I' sorry, Jane. Well, this beats the shit out of what I was gonna tell you." Daria stared blankly, putting a hand on Jane's to show her empathy.

"You going through it too?" inquired Jane.

"More like something went through me. Tom took my virginity last night. Crazy, right?" Daria shyly sighed.

"Which part? The both of us losing our virginity on the same night, the fact that for you it was by a guy that you and I used to date or just you having sex in general?"

"All that and more, old cariad. So what happens now? Have you told anyone else yet?" Daria sincerely asked.

"I don't know. I don't wanna report Jon despite how angry I am at him and how ashamed I am at myself, but I want some closure. I want justice." Jane conveyed solemnly.

"I have something else to tell you." Daria whispered.


"Do you remember when me and my mom got robbed at gunpoint a few years ago?" Daria asked.

"Of course I remember. Why?"

"Mom and I started taking self-defense classes. At first, I hated it, but then I really started enjoying it. I've been training in a mix of kickboxing, Krav Maga and Taekwondo. I'm actually halfway to black belt in TKD right now. I vowed that I would never feel that scared again and if I was with someone else in that kind of situation, I'd be able to protect myself and them. I can teach you some of what I know if you want?"

Jane thought about it for a moment.

"You know what? Let's ditch our original plans for the weekend. I wanna learn." Jane answered, motivated.

They clinked with their coffees in a cheers and both continued sipping.

La la laaa la laaaaaaa...

Six Months Later

It was summertime now and Jane and Daria were at Daria's condo alone watching TV.

"Ever wondered what that picture of the dogs playing cards in a basement was? Little did anyone know, it was a card game between pooches in the mafia plotting their next racketeering job! The Dogfather, coming up next on Sick, Sad World!"

A commercial came on after that caught their eye.

"This July, Boston Golden Gloves returns! Introducing new weight classes, including women's flyweight! Sign up online today!"

"That look like something you'd be up for?" Daria asked.

"Hmmm...I don't know, Daria. What do you think? Competition has never really been very much my style, you know? Except for running track." Jane reluctantly resigned.

"What competition? From the research I've done about it, most of the girls that enter into Boston Golden Gloves are notoriously pushovers. There's usually only one, maybe two exceptional fighters that ever go home with the medal and honestly seem to rarely ever even do anything with it." Daria assured.

"...I'll give it some thought, I guess. I'm pretty beat, I'm gonna head back to the pad. I'll call you okay?"

"Sure thing. Later."

Jane slept on the thought and later on the next day went to her local boxing gym to work out and hit the bags a bit. Before leaving, someone called out to Jane.

"Jane? Jane Lane?"

"I know you. Aren't you..?" Jane turned, now facing her.

"Stacy! Stacy Rowe, I'm besties with Quinn, which I guess would be your bestie Daria's sister huh? Fancy seeing you here. Don't tell me you're leaving right now?" Stacy pouted.

"Uh, yeah, sorry. Got some errands to run. But it was nice seeing you again, Stacy."

"Oh, come on, stay for just a little longer, please? I really need a sparring buddy, just some light sparring for one 3 minute round. It'll be fun!" Stacy almost pleaded.

"Umm, okay. I guess one round would be alright." Jane agreed.

"Great! Let's throw on our gear."

The girls entered the ring and waited for the electronic bell to ring.

"Forty percent, forty percent, right?" Jane stuck out her right fist in solidary as she spoke, but Stacy slapped Jane's hand away in almost a parry movement and clocked Jane with a hard right hook to the jaw, sending Jane crashing into the ropes.

"Jesus, Stacy!"

Stacy realized Jane was stunned and did what boxers would call "letting their hands go" and went in for the kill. In a five piece combination, she hit Jane with a left jab to the nose which started bleeding, then another right hook except this time a hard overhand right which Jane tried to block but barely could. Stacy then continued with a left hook to Jane's liver, which went straight into a left uppercut to Jane's chin and then yet another right cross. This made Jane stumble into the corner as Stacy bombarded her with a flurry of combination hooks to the body and the head. Jane was able to use head movement to avoid some of the blows and landed one hook to Stacy's face but Stacy ducked the next shot Jane threw and hit her with a kidney shot and Jane crumbled to the mat. The onlookers watching by the sidelines were shocked as the bell rang.

"Thanks for the sparring match, chump. I've been waiting to kick your punkass." Stacy practically shouted, spitting out her mouthpiece onto Jane's exposed bare back just above her tank top. She felt Stacy's saliva on her skin and cringed.

"Stacy...w-why?" Jane coughed, blood from her lips now coming down on the mat.

"Because you're a lying piece of dog shit skank. Jon never raped you. And he's been the best boyfriend ever to me for six months now after you ghosted him. That includes this training of his, by the way." Stacy whispered in her ear, now inches from her face.

"" Jane stuttered.

"That's right. Want some get back for this beatdown? Come on down to Golden Gloves...unless you're as much of a fucking pussy as I think you are." Stacy spat, throwing her gloves down at Jane's head, exiting the ring seconds later.

Someone came in the ring and helped a bruised, bloodied and humiliated Jane to her feet and she left the building. That very following day, Jane contacted Daria and they met up for pizza.

"Digging the shades, man. You can probably take those off now though, right? Ya know, 'cause we're inside?" Daria sat down with Jane, wondering about Jane's look.

"They serve a purpose." Jane truthfully told, taking off her glasses, showing a slightly blackened right eye.

"What the hell, what happened to you? Was this during sparring?" Daria questioned, in shock.

"You could say that. You could also say that Quinn's little friend Stacy beat the shit outta me. She's gonna be competing in the Golden Gloves tournament. Guess who's gonna be in her corner?"


"Jonathan fucking Rhodes."

"Your ex-boyfriend?!" Daria exclaimed.

"Yeah, he's been training/dating her. And he's apparently succeeding. She's not the same Stacy we went to high school with...she's changed." Jane quietly stated.

"So now you're definitely gonna go to Golden Gloves right? You can't let her get away with this shit." Daria interrogated.

"Daria, fucking look at me. I go in there and I'm gonna get hurt. Like hospitalized, hurt."

"Bullshit, I don't wanna hear that. You've been training your ass off and you've come such a long way. You piss this away and you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Because guess who's gonna be the only person in your corner? Me!" Daria cried out.

"I don't need this shit. Fuck off." Jane scoffed.


It was too late, Jane already walked out of the pizzeria. When she woke up the next day, she checked her email and saw a confirmation link saying she had been entered as a competitor in the Boston Summer Golden Gloves.

"Fucking Daria!"

Jane hopped in her car and headed straight to Daria's place. Jane knocked hard.

"Daria, where are you, get the fuck out here!" Jane yelled.

Daria opened the door.

"Jane, just hold on a sec, okay?" Daria tried to reason.

"Fuck you bitch, I know you're smart enough to sign me up yourself through your own devious ways, but also very fucking stupid to do it! Are you trying to get me killed?!" Jane hollered.

"So what the fuck, you wanna fight me too Lane? Go ahead, knock me the FUCK out, I know you have the power to do it now so just GO FOR IT!" Daria shoved Jane.

Jane swung and hit Daria, hard. Jane was horrified after what she did and looked at her hands. Daria picked up her cracked and broken glasses, wiping off the blood from her mouth as she used the wall behind her to gather herself up off the hardwood floor.

"Daria...I'm...I'm sorry, I..." Jane uttered barely audibly.

"I knew you had it in you. You can win now." Daria muttered.

"That was a dirty trick, Morgendorffer! I could have given you a goddamn concussion!" Jane started tearing up.

"Don't worry about me, you just make sure you give that bitch Stacy a goddamn concussion instead." Daria huffed, smiling.

"...I'll see you at Golden Gloves, kid." Jane smiled back, and walked out to go home.

La la laaaa la laaaaaaaaa...

July 4th, Boston Summer Golden Gloves

Daria entered Jane's dressing room and saw Jane standing at her mirror.

"It's almost time. You ready?"

"I don't give a fuck. I'll run through every girl in here to get to Stacy. I wasn't hyped before. Now I am."

"That's what I like to hear. Let's do some pad drills, yeah?"


Jane punched Daria's padded gloves and practiced her head movement in the hallway leading to the ring as a stadium light shined down on them. After Jane flawlessly conducted the drill, her and Daria hopped around a bit so that she could keep up her footwork. It was time for the show to begin.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...welcome to the Boston Summer Golden Gloves!"

The crowd roared.

"I am your host Rube Duffer and with me is referee Jodie Landon. Each match is set for six rounds, two and a half minutes each. Standing knockdown rule is not in effect but three knockdown rule is. LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEE!"

The roar echoed louder.

Jane was first to fight against a random flyweight.

"Okay ladies, I want a good clean fight. No headbutts, rabbit punches or illegal hits of any kind or I will deduct points. Follow my commands at all times and protect yourselves at all times. Touch gloves, good luck to both of you." Jodie directed.

"Long time no see Jodie, I didn't know you were a referee." Jane said.

"I volunteered to be an alternate. Have a good fight, Jane." Jodie replied.

Jane won by TKO in round one, surprising everyone, including herself. The next, by corner retirement halfway through the match and a few other matches by unanimous points decision.

Now it was just her and Stacy for the gold.

"And now, for the final bout, we have Jane 'J-Train' Lane versus Stacy 'Death' Rowe. But only one can go down in history." an announcer said.

"That's right, Dave. It all comes down to these two young women, these two warriors. I'm sure we're gonna have one hell of a fight!" another announcer chimed in.

Jane and Stacy faced each other in the ring.

"I'm gonna fucking punish you, Lane. You thought what I gave you was rough before? They're gonna have to wheel your ass outta here." Stacy swore to her.

"Oh yeah? Bring it, little miss badass. Don't get embarrassed in front of your new boyfriend now, ya cunt." Jane smirked, taking a short glance at Jon in Stacy's corner.

The bell rang and the two began their song and dance.

Jane threw a few left jabs at Stacy followed by a right cross, to which Stacy dodged and threw a few of her own. Jane countered with a left hook and a right uppercut, catching Stacy as they both clinched up.

"That the best you got, Janey? You're weak!" Stacy shrieked, pushing Jane off and throwing a right and left haymaker at her opponent, both connecting. Stacy tried to throw a right jab, a left cross and an uppercut at Jane, but Jane was quick and weaved out of the way of the strikes.

"Great head movement there by J-Train Lane!"

Jane took this opportunity and exchanged right and left jabs followed by a hook to the head and to Stacy's body, which pissed her the hell off. She grappled Jane into the ropes and pummeled her with about seven hooks to Jane's ribs. A loud snap was heard as both girls yelped in pain. Jane dropped to one knee as Jodie came over and gave her the mandatory eight count, Stacy doubling over in pain and clutching her hand.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, you good Jane? Show me your hands. Time!" Jodie called out as the round ended.

The bell rang, both women now going to their corners. Jane was saved by the bell.

"What do you think Sam? Both these gals appear to have sustained injuries and just in round one alone!"

"I'll tell ya, Dave, this may not make it to round six for either fighter!"

"Talk to me, Jane." Daria acted as trainer and cutman, giving Jane a drink of water while applying vaseline on her scrapes.

"She's got cinderblocks under those gloves, Daria. I've got a broken rib or two but I think she might have broken something too." Jane breathed heavily.

"Great, avoid shots to the body and use her weakness against her."

In Stacy's corner, Jon coached his girlfriend after sustaining her injury.

"Ahh, my fucking hand is broken Jon, it fucking hurts." Stacy groaned.

"What do you want me to do babe? I'll throw it if you want, or you can endure. Your hand will numb up soon and you be able to use it again." Jon told.

"Don't you dare throw in the towel, she needs to pay for what she's done! I'll keep fighting." Stacy affirmed.

The bell rang and the two continued pounding each other into a pulp. The final sixth round had reared its head and by this time, the two boxers were in tremendous pain and exhausted.

"Why the fuck won't she stay down, Jon? I'll give her this, she's a tough asshole." Stacy complained.

"That's Jane for you. Take her out this round, you guys seem to be about even point-wise." Jon replied.

In Jane's corner, Daria attempted to instill an adrenaline boost in Jane.

"Daria...I don't know how much more I can take. I can't feel-" Jane began.

Daria gave Jane a slap.

"That's for punching me earlier. Remember how it felt when Jon did that to you? His fucking girl is over there giving you the work and if you don't put her ass to sleep, she wins. Is that what you want? This is it, Jane. Your finest art, your masterpiece, your Magnum fucking Opus! Now stop giving me shit, and RUN THAT BITCH THE FUCK OVER!" Daria screamed.

"Daria...I've never heard you raise your voice like that. I'm fucking pumped, LET'S GO!" Jane rose to her feet, slapping her gloves together as the bell rang ushering in the round that ends it all.

Stacy extended her glove, this time showing genuine respect and sportsmanship to Jane and Jane reciprocated it. Stacy threw a three piece combo to which Jane bobbed and weaved, throwing an overhand right the same time as Stacy, which sent Stacy falling back into the ropes. As Jane recovered from getting rocked, she ran up and gave Stacy a barrage of head and body shots before stopping and doing a classic Ali shuffle as a showboat tactic and then executing a very rapid series of uppercuts to Stacy's forearms. This made her drop her hands to go for a combo, a jab, and three consecutive haymakers.

"Shoulder roll, shoulder roll!" Daria called out.

Jane heard this and successfully avoided the blows from Stacy, now hitting Stacy with three right crosses. The third one Stacy ducked, and threw a haymaker of her own just as Jane did and a very peculiar thing happened.

They both knocked each other out.

The entire arena lost their ever-loving minds and cheered at the anticipation as Jodie began her count.

"Unbelievable! In my ten years of spectating, I have never seen a double knockout like this! This is unprecedented in the history of Boston Golden Gloves!"

Jodie made it all the way to the ten count and neither Jane nor Stacy could make it to their feet. After a few minutes, EMTs and the girls' trainers had entered the ring as they both began to awaken.

"Ugh...Daria? What happened? Did I lose?" Jane wearily wondered aloud.

"Uh, no actually. It was a tie. Congrats on your first KO." Daria drawled in her usual deadpan way.

Jane thought of the moment for a second and just closed her eyes and laughed, tears flowing now.

"And to the winners of the Boston Summer Golden Gloves women's flyweight division by double knockout draw, Jane 'J-Train' Lane and Stacy 'Death' Rowe!"

Jodie raised their hands in victory and they both were presented with gold medals.

"You know what Jane, you're...alright I suppose." Stacy gave her respect, stepping out of the ring to be with Jon. Jon saw Jane and gave her a nod, to which Jane gave one back.

"C'mon flyweight champion of the world, let's get out of here and watch the fireworks." Daria put Jane's arm over her shoulders and helped her out of the event.

They went outside and laid out on top of Jane's car to watch the light show in the sky.

"In a way, it's like the whole city is celebrating your match." Daria said.

"Ah, yes, exactly what I needed. More loud explosions to go with the ringing in my ears. Although, the cold steel of my vehicle feels great on the swelling." Jane joked sarcastically as per usual.

"...happy Fourth of July, Jane."

"Happy Fourth of July, Daria..."

Not long after the tournament, Jane and Stacy were invited to perform at the Olympics in women's flyweight boxing. Jane won the bronze medal, Stacy won silver. Stacy would unfortunately pass away exactly a year later on her 21st birthday from a drunk driver. Jane eventually went on to be a professional boxer with a record of 32 fights, 31 wins, 17 by way of knockout with one draw.

She paid for Stacy's funeral.

The End