Chapter 1 - The Purple Fire

Snow fell around me, touching my hair and skin. I could not feel it's coldness like once before, another small reminder of my own immortality. Of how I had changed. If I would have thought about this a few hours ago, it would have made me happy. After all that had been what I dreamt of for so long, so much so that it seemed this desire had been with me for more than my mere nineteen years on this Earth. And yet… now it seemed like nothing more than a curse. For once, in what felt like forever, I wanted to be fragile – human. I could still hear his voice in my head, through my foggy human memories.

Juliet, she's like perfect. If you like that obviously beautiful sort of thing.

No, not the girl…, the suicide. It is nearly impossible for some… people…, for humans, a little poison, a dagger through the heart… so many different options.

At the time I couldn't imagine things would end up this way. His voice existing now only inside my head was a reminder of the reality that laid before me. I fell to my knees, my hands slowly scratching the surrounding ice. My silenced heart burned with anger, guilt, and grief. If I was human I would have cried. Hard. But all that I mustered to emote was a small, timid grunt. Even that made me feel trapped in this new version of me. I couldn't even grieve in peace. I needed to let out all the emotions that were flowing through me, which were way too many. So, the terrifying scream that followed felt somehow out of place but at this moment I did not care. The purple smoke in front of me was all that I could see, even its smell consumed me. His smell.

Amongst the enormous field of white snow, multiple bodies burned peacefully all around. Bodies of vampires and werewolves. Bodies belonging to the enemy, others to our side. I couldn't bare to look at them. All I could think was I caused of all this death. Most of my friends, old and new, and family were laying in the battlefield of my doing. But what I couldn't bring myself to accept was that he was there. Right there in front of me. Burning forever. His body almost completely turned to ash by now. I could not save him. For a moment I focused my shield on someone else, for only a few seconds… and then he was… he was just…

I let out another scream. For what seemed like forever there was no smell, no sound, no air, no time, no place, no nothing, only his burning body in front of me. I could listen in the distance people calling my name, gently touching me, but I didn't respond. I remained frozen, letting my emotions consume me completely. But then, someone else crossed my mind. I had been so lost in the heat of the battle and on everything that happened that only now did I remember that maybe not everything was lost. Maybe there was still hope, after all I had made sure she was to be safe.

My voice was nothing but a whisper when I uttered that small but precious word that meant more than my own life.

"Reneesme…?" I asked, not taking my eyes of the purple smoke.

I heard hesitant footsteps approach; his smell already familiar to me.

"They are looking for her right now, Bella" Carlisle's voice was so low that only I could have heard it. Pain was abundant in it, after all I knew he was suffering as much as I was. Maybe even wishing for suicide for this was too much for anyone to handle, vampire or not "Zafrina joined the two young wolves in the search. They will find Nessie in no time" He tried to reassure me, but I could sense the doubt in his voice. I didn't blame him; hope had abandoned our hearts after today.

"I'm going too, I need to help them" I said, getting up, ready to leave. I needed to know if she was alright. I needed her. At least she had to be fine, she had to be.

But before I could do so, I felt Carlisle's hands grab my arms, stopping me.

"Bella… you should stay" His voice was firm on this. Why? I freed myself from his grasp, only for him to stop me again.

"She is my daughter, Carlisle! Don't you understand?! I have to go to her, she needs me!" My voice burned with anger now, anger that I had been already suppressing.

When I looked at him, his golden eyes were gentle with understanding, grief mirrored in them. His grasp on my arm tightened even more.

"I know… but you are not in a condition to help" Hearing those words only made my anger boil even more.

"Let me be the judge of that!" I said with a grunt, releasing myself from his hands. After all, I still had some of my newborn strength and because of it remained stronger than him.

I turned my back on him and started running but before I could get too far, he spoke again, his voice haunting.

"What if you don't like what you find…?"

Those words made me stop, my body completely frozen with what he was implying. He knew more than he was leading on, he wasn't going to suggest such a thing without additional information. I ran back to where he was in less than a second.

"What do you know?" I asked, my voice breaking. His eyes didn't meet mine, remaining on the ice beneath us. He didn't answer, I sensed he couldn't bring himself to say the words, but I simply had to know, even if it would be the death of me "Tell me!" I demanded this time, anger starting to transpire again in my voice.

Carlisle sighed heavily and still not looking at me he confessed.

"The wolves mentioned that they could not hear Jacob Black anymore through their werewolf telepathy some time after the battle started" As he continued to explain with a forced soothing voice, I stopped breathing all together. I felt myself fell to my knees once again for I knew what those words meant. Jake was probably dead. Which meant that she was most likely also… "They have gone looking for them but without much hope" He admitted as he lowered himself to the ground to face me.

I felt his arms wrap around me in a gentle embrace, but I could not bring myself to hug him back, I was still processing everything.

"So, she really is…" I whispered, breaking. I could not even finish the sentence; it was all too much. Those words left unspoken lingered around us for a few painful seconds.

"We don't know for certain… there is still hope" He said, but I knew his words were more of a desperate attempt to comfort me than what he truly believed in his heart "She could have survived, even if he did not"

I knew that Carlisle was trying to help but even if that was true it still meant that my best friend was dead which did not make the grief that I was feeling easier to bare. To many people were dead because of me and I couldn't take that back. I tried to sob but no tears came out, only the sound of my heart breaking. I could feel Carlisle's arms tighten around me, after all, I had been so consumed in my own grief that didn't even consider how he must have been feeling that entire time. He also lost everyone, just like I did. He lost Esme, the love of his life, and their family – our family. We were the only ones that remained of the Cullen Clan. From our vampire allies only, Zafrina still lived and Seth and Embry from the pack. The rest was laying in the battlefield around us, some turned to ash, others broken in their wolf forms. I couldn't say that much of the Volturi had survived either, but I knew for sure that Jane and Aro had survived. Maybe Caius. They had disappeared towards the end of the battle, abandoning the rest of the Volturi and witnesses to their fates. We still didn't make the full body search and count the dead, it was still to early for that, but eventually we would find out who exactly made it out alive.

This time I hugged him back, showing him as much support as I was able to at the time. Which was not much, but I knew he would understand. We were both suffering beyond what any of us had prepared for. To be completely honest, I would have preferred to be dead like I thought would happen. In the last few days, I took comfort in the fact that even if me and my beloved died that at least my daughter would have a good life with Jacob, her protector. But now, everything was upside down. I was alive, he was dead and she… well… she… I didn't know how to react. I was only sure of one thing. If she was indeed no more than all I wished to do was to join her, to join them. There was no point in living an immortal life without my two reasons to live. That would be a curse, a fate worse than death itself. I didn't know what came after this life but even if it was complete oblivion, it was surely better than this endless pain. I did not want to remember this forever. No one should suffer that much; this was already punishment enough for my actions.

I was about to speak again when we both heard multiple footsteps approaching. We released each other from our embrace and got up to our feet again. The duo walked slowly to where me and Carlisle were eagerly awaiting. I looked at them, my eyes filling up with a last bit of hope. With them I questioned the result of their search and then quickly understood that the worst news where coming. Seth and Embry shook their heads negatively. I felt Carlisle's hand gently brushing me shoulder in support, but it did not matter much. My world had just ended. I felt an unbearable pain in my chest as the world around me seemed to shrink, trapping me in those emotions. Images of her small dead body kept piercing my mind over and over again and from that point on I knew a part of me had died with her. And with him.

While I remain tangled in my own strong emotions, I could still hear them speak.

"…Zafrina stayed with them, she said she couldn't leave her side" Informed Embry, his voice shaking with the loss of his best friend "We came back to inform you two and to start cleaning up the… the bodies…"

"Thank you, you two. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you" Said Carlisle offering his condolences "I will also call my friend Alister and ask if he is willing to help us clean this"

"Thank you, doc" Expressed Seth, who could barely keep it together now, perfectly mirroring my emotions. He looked at me, without knowing what to say. All that eventually came out was my name "Bella, I'm sorry. God I'm so, so sorry" he said, tears running down his face. I looked down, not able to bare the sight of them. I envied him.

With all the strength that I could muster not to scream, I whispered.

"Take me to her…"

"Bella, I don't think- "Started Embry.

"Just do it!" I snapped, loosing my composure. I couldn't pretend anymore "She is my daughter!" I repeated the words not trying think about the was and not is.

Seeing that it was useless to try to shield me from this, they agreed. Me and Carlisle followed them through the snow-covered woods for a few minutes, after all, they were running at their human form pace. Each step that I took became more and more painful as I knew that soon I would see her, but I could not stop myself. I had to know, I had to see. I wanted to at least hold her one last time.

After a while, I started to recognise those woods. No… no… it couldn't be…

A few seconds later, we arrived at the meadow. It was still beautiful, even covered in snow. Ice drops falling from the trees made the place breath taking and magical. At the center of the meadow two twin flames married each other. One purple. One orange and red. I ran at human speed to them. My first instinct was to put my hands in the fire, I couldn't let her burn. Beside her, my best friend was already turning to ash.

I screamed her name numerous times, as I buried my hands in the purple fire. But all I could feel was rests of her body and mostly ash. I felt various pairs of hands grabbing me, pulling me back, but I resisted. The only perk of being a newborn. I could hear them calling my name, but I didn't care.

Suddenly, I felt my body being pushed to the other side of the meadow. I collided with a tree, but it was more damaged than me. I tried to get back to the fire but again Zafrina stopped me, grabbing both of arms, her eyes piercing mine.

"Bella, stop! Listen to reason!"

"Your gift doesn't work on me, Zafrina!" I shouted as I tried to set myself free from her "Get out of my way!" I was able to throw her aside and run again to my daughter.

More arms grabbed my body again, though I was able to get away from them easily. But not before Zafrina came back.

"Bella, she wouldn't have wanted this!" That thought made me hesitate. Seeing that I had stopped, Zafrina cautiously approached me again. She held both of my hands in hers, her words were gentle, understanding "I loved Nessie" Hearing her name made me shiver. She hesitate but then continued "Even after only knowing her for a brief time… so… I can not possibly imagine what you as a mother must be feeling but… there is nothing more you can do for her. You cannot save her body anymore from those flames and you know it. It's time to grieve" She encouraged, embracing me lightly "I'm sorry we couldn't save her"

I embraced her back and after a few minutes of silence I finally was able to speak again "Thank you…but I want to be alone now" She released me from her arms and looked at me, her eyes showing signs of concern.

"Are you sure?" It was Zafrina that spoke the question, but I knew that everyone present was thinking the same thing.

"Yes, please…" She sighed but prepared to leave.

"Very well. We will be at the big house when you feel ready"

And so, I just stood there for what seemed like an eternity, burning inside, every emotion making me wish I really was dead. I don't know how much time passed. The snow started to slowly fade away, the sun and moon traded places over and over. Everything changed, but I remained the same. Never moving, frozen both literally and figuratively. Days passed, weeks, months, the fires long put out.

Until one eventful morning. I decided it was time. It was time to leave this Earth, but I still wanted to say goodbye to my friends that remained. Charlie and Renee crossed my mind, but I knew I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to them, it would hurt too much. So, for the first time in two months I finally moved. Before going to the Cullen house, I stopped by the cottage. I know I shouldn't have gone there but I couldn't stop myself.

I opened the door, and everything was exactly as I left it two months ago, sure, it had a lot more dust, but it was still the same. I walked straight to our- my room and laid down on the bed. I hugged his pillow still full of his scent. I inhaled it deeply for a long time. Memories of our time together flowing through me, from my human life and from this one with vampire eyes and senses. They were painful to remember but I didn't want to leave this Earth without thinking about us ever again as painful as that was. After a few hours, I finally got up and walked to my daughter's room.

Damn. That was when I lost it. The pain I felt in my silent heart was unbearable. I could still hear her sweet voice.

Mom.

Hmm?

Did Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper run away because we're going to die?

No. I think they left to keep us safer. That's what all these other people are here for too. I'll never let anybody hurt you.

I'll never let anybody hurt you.

I'll never let anybody hurt you.

I'll never let anybody hurt you.

I couldn't keep my promise. Oh, Nessie.

I screamed and screamed. I couldn't control my rage anymore. I started destroying the room, turning everything into dust. I couldn't stop. I wanted to but I couldn't. For too long I held everything in.

"Shit!"

I said as the left wall completely fell apart. I sat on the floor in the middle of my destruction, hugging my own body as I did so many moons ago. It usually worked in my human days, but know it seemed to have the opposite effect. No. I couldn't continue like this. I had to got to the Cullen house and end this once and for all.

I got up and ran there as fast as I possibly could. In less than a minute I was at the front door. I entered immediately and joined everyone in the living room. They seemed surprised to see me. I don't know if it was that or the state of me that made their faces mirror shock, but either way I didn't mind.

Before anybody could say a single word, I spoke the words "I just came by to say goodbye…"

"Goodbye? Where are you going?" Asked Zafrina first.

"To join them"

The room fell completely silent for everyone knew which them I was referring to. Carlisle was the first one to speak, getting up from the sofa and placing one hand on my left shoulder.

"Bella, you can't… I already lost too many people, I can't lose you too" He pleaded, his eyes also melting with a grief as big as the oceans. It pained me to see him like this, I knew he also saw me as part of his family, but I couldn't stay, not even for him.

I tried to control my voice as best as possible, I didn't want to fight.

"Carlisle… you can't ask me that…" I sighed, carefully planning what to say next "You can't ask me to bare this for all eternity. Forever is too long of a time to suffer what we have"

Even if pain was still in his eyes, he understood that what I was saying was right. He could not stop me, and I realised in that moment that he wouldn't.

"You're right… it would be selfish of me. Forgive me for even suggesting…"

"There is nothing to forgive, I understand…" I said hugging him now. He represented everything that I had once fought to have. I was grateful to him.

Still in my embrace, he whispered against my hair "I will let you go… but there is something you should know first"

I looked at him now, my eyes inquiring, confused. He proceeded to tell me the words that would change everything.

"Alice and Benjamin are still alive"

*autor's note 1: Thank you for reading! I know this is very different from the original and completely understand that this story is not for everyone. With that said, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter in all it's depressive glory!

*autor's note 2: Also, I wanted to apologise for any writing mistakes. English is not my first language you see, and I haven't written in it for about 3 years so bare with me!

*autor's note 3: This story will eventually be a CarlislexBella romance, so if you hate that idea you have been warned!