"If you are lost in your way
Deep in an awesome story
Don't be in doubt and stray
Cling to your lonesome folly."
See Saw, "A Stray Child": .hack/SIGN

Cling to Your Lonesome Folly

I had that dream again.

It's hard to remember when I had it. Last night, maybe? When's the last time I slept? I've been fighting all day, never-ending, never resting. My watch broke when I came here, so time is pretty much relative—whatever that means. Well, I had the dream when I was knocked unconscious, when Duskmon's blade cut open my right side from my wrist to my ankle. I'm pretty sure Ophanimon was the one that sealed the wound; I saw her symbol on my digivice when I woke up. But it still confuses me to why Duskmon didn't finish me off. Maybe he just wanted to kill Takuya really badly. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I woke up feverish and abandoned. No surprise to me—of course Bokomon and Neemon would get their asses away from danger at the first given chance, and it's not like I expect those other guys to stay by my side. Despite all this, I have no idea why I got up and ran after the others, reopening the long wound in my body as I did.

Well, I was feverish, but I doubt I was that sick.

The Dream is always the same. I see it from someone else's point of view, I think. I'm two years old again and my mother is holding me—I can see it, but I can't see her face. I have her picture on my desk at home; it's the only picture I have left of her, but I should be able to see her face in The Dream just the same. But it's all blurred out, like I've been crying.

Hey, just to let you know: I haven't cried in six years, and I'm planning on keeping it that way. I only cried then when it was Shunbun no Hi, and one of my friends insulted me for not visiting my mother's grave. I punched the kid before crying, got it? I had no way of going to her grave. It was in Akihabara, and we were living in Shinjuku. I was five, like I could do anything about it? After dragging me out of a huge fight, my dad took me to Shinjuku-Gyo so I could at least feel as though I was able to place flowers on Mom's grave. That was when Dad decided to take me to meet his "friend from work," Satomi Fukuto. That was when I learned why I had all those babysitters. Three years later, they got married. They wanted me to be there, but I managed to force myself to throw up so I could stay home. I'd never hated my father more in my life.

Okay, there's another time, but it has to do with The Dream.

Mom is holding me, singing me to sleep, though I can't hear her voice. I can't remember it. Then Dad comes in to argue with her. Though I can't see her face, I can see Dad's, and it's angry. I imagine hers is too. They keep fighting, and eventually Dad hits her across the face. I can hear crying from someone—maybe my two-year-old self, but I don't think so. The Dream is like an out-of-body experience, and I doubt that the baby she's holding is even me. But I'm an only child, so it has to be me, unless I had a brother or sister I didn't know about. Each time, I wake up in bed—or, in last time's case, on the dirt—feeling nothing but rage toward my dad, blaming him for Mom's death. But what can a dream tell me?

Probably more than what I know now.

I still don't know who that was I saw under Duskmon's armor, or why Velgmon stopped at Ophanimon's voice. What makes me so special that I'm the subject of his twisted searches for meaning? Why did he take that walk in my mind and live through the same day I did: the day that brought me to this world? This enigma that binds me… What will I do when I solve it? Do I want to?

I wish things were still simple. I wish I had a way of changing everything that Duskmon saw. First, I'd listen to my dad and accept my stepmother… No. That's not what I want to do. Satomi is not my mother, and she never will be. I don't even think she wants to try to be. I saw her face when she was climbing the stairs toward my room, when Dad told me to accept her and call her "Mom." Her face held the same shock and anger I felt. And now that I think of it, she never once tried to make me forget. She was like Duskmon, trying to help me remember, but in a less painful way. Yeah. Those flowers would be for that, not for the anniversary of the wedding that I hated. They'd be a thank you for being my friend, for being there when I needed her, even though I treated her badly in turn.

Now I understand why I had to help the others. It was for all the same reasons Satomi helped me. If I had a chance to go back and change everything, I'd just say thanks. That's it. That's all I feel like I need to do.

Well, that and find Duskmon.

Who is he? He's just like that baby I see in The Dream. He looks so much like me (both Duskmon and the baby) and I don't know if he's me. But if he is, then what am I? Am I just the lost and confused feelings that need to find a place? I wish Ophanimon or anyone could tell me that. Ophanimon's lately been the Satomi in the Digital World, helping me when I can't help myself. But I guess this is one thing I have to do alone.

But I wish I didn't have to.

Oh, God, if the others could hear me now. Kouji Minamoto, the one who can always do it alone, asking for anyone to come and help. Excuse my groan of disgust as I head for shelter from this sandstorm.

The sand keeps blowing around, blinding me. I can see my own hands about as well as I can see my mother's face. I don't know if I'm lost or on the right path. I don't know if I've made a mistake or if I'm right. I'll need to find a ditch or something to hide in till it blows over. I'll get even more lost otherwise.

But still, will anyone tell me what my purpose is? What's the point of torturing me with The Dream, or having Duskmon continually question me the way he does? Can't he see that I'm as in the dark as he is, and that I don't know anything about what's going on around me?

My only answer is the howling of the wind.

Why am I my only salvation this time?

Again, more random crap floating around in my brain. This one is based on the episodes of The Pretender when Jarod has dreams about his parents, but he can't see their faces. Also, Shunbun no Hi is the Spring Equinox festival, and you're supposed to visit graves on that day. Well, hopefully the muses won't give me more introspective stories to do now that I'm just about done with my homework.