Annual Arm-Wrestle Championship
By Blue Topaz
Disclaimer: If Stargate SG-1 and its characters are mine, you'll see this on your TV screen. But it isn't ...
AN: I could never ever see this happening canonly and that's why I wrote it. Oh, this is Marcia's fault (she knows why) and Robert's fault (he knows why), plus the fact that I've been watching too much Wimbledon lately. And thanks to JayBee-Bug who beta-read this one.
"Good evening everybody. My name is Sgt. D and we are live for the final of the 7th SGC's Annual Arm-Wrestle Championship, or better known as SAAC. We are live from the isolation room on Level 19 and the match will start in fifteen minutes. The finalists are Colonel O and Major C ... Oh yes, if you are a die-hard fan of this competition, you'll know that they were also the finalists for the last six years. And here in the mini studio, I have Sgt. S as a commentator. So Sgt., what makes these two contenders different from the others? If we take a look at this championship's records, those two are incredibly consistent, winning three titles each. Years and years, they came here to win round after round and face each other in the final. We can almost see a pattern here."
"Well, we have to go back to the history of this competition. It was all started when Major C, she was a Captain seven years ago, challenged Colonel O to an arm-wrestle. Sadly, the Colonel didn't have the time to answer it as General H interrupted their encounter to send them to a normal boring mission of finding out what had happened in that desert planet with pyramids. After returning from the so-called very important mission, Colonel O was 'provoked' by some Marines, lead by Colonel M, saying that all the fly-boys were 'cowards', they couldn't even dare to face a cute girl who played with dolls. Now, it was one thing to say it to the Colonel, but it was a different thing to call Major C a cute girl who played with dolls right to her face. Needless to say, she extended the challenge to those Marines and before we knew it, one heated argument and a handful of insults later, the first championship was held."
"Yes, yes, we heard so many rumors concerning that fateful day that will be written down in this championship's history book as the defining moment of this competition. And I'm sure the listeners would want to know what happened *exactly* in that briefing room."
"I'm sorry, I wasn't there myself, but I have the list of people who did. If anyone's interested, please contact me personally."
"That's it ladies and gentlemen, that's how this championship started. But Sgt., that doesn't explain why those two always reach the final every year."
"Oh yes. That. We know that both Colonel O and Major C do possess strong arms, but so do the other contestants. But this is what's interesting about arm-wrestling, the brain is needed as much as the brawn. Cheating is not allowed but any attempts to distract the opponent are permitted. And both finalists are the best 'distracters' in the whole complex. Besides, we're using the seeding system like in Wimbledon. They both are always the first and the second seeds, therefore they can only meet each other in the final."
"Now, how can we differentiate between cheating and distracting the opponent?"
"Yes, of course. Cheating is when you consume any drugs to enhance your performance or using two hands against your opponent. And also trying to spike your opponent's drink with a laxative before the game, like a nameless Lt. did to his opponent last year. Distracting is when you speak during the game, taunting and swearing is allowed. The purpose of this is to agitate your opponent, make them lose their cool and composure."
"Yes, we all know that Colonel O was able to do that to anyone without even trying. And Major C has so many tricks up her sleeve, and she is a fast learner. She knows every trickery in the book and my sources say that she studied every match recording, now what does that tell you? Now, Sgt. S, who would you bet your money on? We know that the pool was going mad this morning."
"Uh ... it's a hard decision. Both are very strong and confident, not to mention they share three titles each. I can't choose. Colonel O has the experience, but Major C has --"
"I have to interrupt you there Sgt., the finalists have just entered the arena. Colonel O is accompanied by T and Major C has Doctor J with her. And if you were wondering why I'm talking cryptically when mentioning names, it's because we're being careful. So, NID! If you hear this, don't bother to record and use it as blackmail material. You can't prove anything. If you are an alien living here on Earth: yes, we are *that* strange, and you haven't even seen the whole picture yet. And last but not least, if any alien with hostile intent is listening to this, than listen carefully: even though we are weird, we can still kick you butts. So, don't bother invading us, you're wasting your time."
"Thank you, I've been practicing. Oh yeah, and it's more fun when we're talking cryptically. Back to the game. We can see that both finalists have sat on their chairs while the referee today, which is Major D, from the Pentagon, chosen for his unambiguous opinion, recites the rules to them. Sgt., I noticed something, T isn't in this competition, but one look at the big guy, you just know that he'd be one Hell of an opponent to beat."
"Yes, but the founder of this competition had agreed to make this competition exclusively for military personnel. It had something to do with not wanting to injure too many ge-- I mean civilians. But I don't see how it could apply to T, he could be a very strong contender. Not to mention that he is so hard to distract."
"Speaking about injury, we have the latest news from Doctor F about the casualties this year. We have six cases of pulled muscles and one case of nervous breakdown."
"Yes, the new Marine who was beaten in the quarter-final by Major C."
"Ah yes, a classic match. All she did was bat her eyelashes, sigh and lick her lips, and his arms turned into jelly all of a sudden. The game only lasted less than two seconds. That kid has a lot to learn."
"Yes, she's not afraid to use her feminine charm to win. Can we expect her to use the same tactic today?"
"I'm afraid not. Colonel O is well aware of her attributes and knows very well how she can use them. It'll be interesting to see what the Major has in store for him."
"What about the Colonel? Could you tell us which tactic he'll use today? Is it going to be the BBC, 'big bad Colonel' routine or the Triple B, 'big bad boy' routine?"
"Definitely the second one. The Major is so used to having the BBC around, I don't think it will affect her much."
"Yes, we heard that every female contestant was very eager to have him as an opponent. His Triple B routine usually consisted of flattering the qualities that the female possessed until she cracked under pressure."
"Third year, second leg. Another classic match. A Captain that shall remain nameless fainted after the Colonel told her how lovely her eyes were. On the post-match commentary, she said that she could've sworn that she was hypnotized by his deep rich chocolate brown eyes and questioned whether hypnotizing was allowed in this competition. The allegation was never proven. He won that year."
"My name is Sgt. D and this is the final of the 7th SGC's Annual Arm-Wrestle Championship. We are live from the isolation room on Level 19 and the match will start in a few moments. Major D, our referee, has just told both contestants the rules. Just a formality, nothing else. Now, a table is placed between the contestants. Both are adjusting their chair's positions to have a more comfortable spot. Two bowls of blue Jell-O, specially made for this occasion by the Chef, are placed on the middle left and middle right of the table. The contestant wins if the back of their opponent's hand touches the Jell-O."
"Both finalists are now taking off their watches. It's a wise move, they could be a distraction and cause their owner to make an unforced error."
"Now they are taking one of their boots off. This is interesting, maybe we will see some UTT battle today."
"Yes, it's always interesting to see the action down there."
"And that's all thanks to UTT or 'Under The Table' rules. The rules were first introduced in the second year, when the Major kicked the Colonel's shin hard just after the referee blew the whistle. The Colonel was startled and the Major easily brought his arm down. He demanded a rematch but she calmly reminded him that it was one of the legal distractions. When he insisted that it wasn't legal, she pointed out that it wasn't against any of the rules that existed at that time. From there on, the UTT rules were created, stating that any actions under the table count as a distraction."
"Yes, the third year was interesting because of that. People started to use their feet to play footsie as well as their mouths to win the match and we also started to put an umpire down there, just to make sure that it didn't go too far."
"How far is too far?"
"It depends on the umpire. But bringing an airgun and shooting it at your opponent's reproduction organs is too far. The perpetrator was fined and banned to enter the competition for two years."
"Thank you for the explanation, Sgt. S. We're just about to start the match right now, and here in the studio now, I have Lt. X. She is a lip-reader, so that we can hear what they are saying to each other during the match clearly, even when they are said in a low voice. And I also have a com-link with the UTT umpire, he promised to let me know if something interesting happens."
"Hi everybody, I'm Lt. X. I'll do my best to let you know what they're saying."
"Thank you Lt. Colonel O and Major C have their right hands locked into one another now as they are settling down. He said something to her, what was it Lt.X?"
"He said, 'Ready to lose?' "
"Mind game. We wouldn't expect less from him."
"She replied, 'In your dreams.' "
"It's always a great contest when these two are up against each other. The referee is ready to start the game. You can almost hear the cracking tension in the air. And off goes the whistle and the game begins. Their hands are still in the middle, swaying back and forth slightly. Their free hands are gripping the side of the table for an anchor. It is an even contest. No tricks or words have been issued yet, we are waiting patiently."
"Yes, there was no sudden attack early in the game today. Major C's UTT sudden attack in the second year final was one of the best, alongside Colonel O's yelling 'Atten-hut' in the third year final, the Major stood up instinctively and he easily smashed her hand into the Jell-O. I guess we won't see one today. Not that I'm complaining, but it was always interesting to see if they had a new one."
"Wait a minute, I head something from the UTT umpire. There's definitely activity going on down there. Major C's foot, the one with the boot still on is stretched forward and searching for something. And ... and she found it. It's the Colonel's bare foot. She touched the shin of that foot and ..."
"Did you hear that? That was the sound of the Major's boot connecting solidly with the floor. The Colonel retracted his foot just before she stomped hers on his. He read the attack well and dodged it perfectly."
"Oh, he smirked and said, 'I won't fall for that one again, Major.' The Major snorted and responded, 'No harm in trying, Sir.' "
"The UTT umpire reported that both of them are now tucking their legs safely under the chair. We'll let you know when there's another development down there."
"The Colonel's started his routine."
"Yes, Colonel O is famous for shocking his opponents, but Major C is not an easy person to surprise."
"He said, 'I heard you're dating that dork, with the name of McKay.' "
"OH, their hands swayed slightly to his advantage, but she recovered quickly."
"She bit her lower lip and said, 'None of your business, Sir.' "
"Standard reply, but the right one nevertheless."
"He continued, 'I also heard that you kiss him in the SGC corridors.' "
"So, he finally got his hands on that security camera tape and used it to his advantage. Way to go, Colonel."
" 'And what if I did, Sir?' "
"The Major was not to be put down by this. She was still steady."
" 'And here I thought that you had romantic feelings for T. Poor him.' "
"Oh ... low blow Colonel. And the venom in the Major's eyes is enough to let us know that she is pissed. T just raised his eyebrow after hearing that. Doctor J shook her head. The referee saw nothing wrong with it, so he let the conversation flow."
" 'I'm sorry to disappoint you Colonel. But it wasn't T.' "
"Nice comeback, now the tables are turned."
" 'It wasn't him? Who is it then?' "
"Yes everyone, this is the question that we all desperately want to know the answer of."
" 'Thor.' "
"Whoa, the Colonel almost lost it there, but like the Major, he recovered swiftly before his hand made contact with the Jell-O. That was a great shock."
" 'Sneaky, Major, very sneaky.' "
"The Colonel and the Major exchanged a hostile smile."
" 'I learn that from you.' "
"Scrap that, it wasn't a hostile smile, it was a murderous vibe hidden in a smile. Of course, this is still nothing compared to that memorable aggressive rally that they had in the sixth year final, when she brought up that painful subject of him stranded in Eudo-- sorry, I mean in the place where they had that meteor rain. And don't forget how he questioned her decision regarding hiding O, the Oma De-- I mean the OD type of alien in her house. For that particular subject, please refer to mission report number-- oh right, I am sorry listeners, I have just been told that that is very sensitive information and thus classified."
"They started again. He challenged her, 'Want to raise the stakes a bit, Major?' "
"There's nothing more than some extra pressure. And we can't have enough of that today."
"Oh ... the possibilities."
"The Colonel started, 'If I win, you have to kiss Thor the next time we see him. Full French kiss.' "
"Okay, we have to draw a line here. There's insanity and there's insanity. But the shock value was enough to swing the Major a bit."
" 'Agreed. But if I win, you're the one who does the kissing.' "
"Another great return. This game is on fire. You can't really tell who's in the driving seat."
"Either I'm reading this wrong or the Colonel just said ... 'You're on.' I can't believe he just said that. Thor and the Colonel ... it's just so wrong on so many levels."
"Well, we know that the Colonel was never one to refuse meeting a challenge. Five minutes has passed, this is the longest final in the history of this championship. It will be interesting to see their next move. This final is unlike the others, both the Colonel and the Major are now able to read their rival better and have developed lots of techniques during the past seven years. Who will win this final? It is the ques-- HIDE, everybody HIDE now!"
"Wha ... what's wrong. Why are you dragging me under the table like this? Hey! Watch your hand. Let me go!"
"Shhh. General H has just entered the room."
*COLONEL, WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?*
"Ladies and gentlemen, that scream belongs to General H, the big boss in this facility. And he didn't have the tiniest clue about the SAAC. And that's why I must regretfully inform you that we have to cut the transmission short. On behalf of the organizer, I apologize because we won't be able to give you the conclusion of this match right now. We also have to cancel the post-match interview for sure, but don't worry, as soon as Colonel O sorts out this mess, we'll get back to you. You've been a great audience, thank you."
* The End *
Now, now, there's no way that I'd be able to decide who won if they continue the match, so I just decided not to let any of them win. I hope you feel the same.