This is an ill-attempt at humour while I was stuck on my other fic, this fic is just total silliness. I read an RK fic out there similar to this one, but as I forget who did it and the title, I can't give them credit. It's a similar advice sort of thing, but they asked Saitoh. Just know this: this idea was stolen. So please don't sue me. ^_^
I've done several chapters of it, but please send in any suggestions as I'm out of ideas already. I've done ones for Fred/George, Ron, Hermione, Lavender, Neville, and Goyle, but they can always do more than one letter.
Disclaimer: all characters/ideas belong to JKR and her publishing companies and all them.
NOTICE: Got a problem? No idea what to do or who to turn to? We now have a member of the staff who is available to answer any queries you have. Professor Severus Snape is experienced in all fields, whether you have work-related problems or social problems, send Professor Snape a letter by leaving your mail at the foot of your bed. The house-elves will deliver all mail, and you do not even need to give your name! So when you need expert advice, leave that question at the foot of your bed, and he'll get back to you as soon as possible!
The students gasped in amazement as they read the notice.
"There is no way I'll be asking him anything!" Ron exclaimed.
"Well, they did say that mail could be anonymous, and I believe that Professor Snape must be pretty experienced for Professor Dumbledore to entrust our problems with him," Hermione argued.
"Experienced or not, I have a feeling that any advice he has to give would not be to our liking," Harry said, "I mean, different people have different ways of doing things, and I dislike the way Snape does things."
"I definitely would be using this opportunity to ask some questions. I mean, us students don't get a lot of support…" Hermione began.
"That's because people like Snape aren't the supporting type!" Ron finished, "either way I don't believe that anyone would be asking him for any advice, he should expect no mail whatsoever."
Chapter 1- Study Problems
Dear Professor Snape,
I am an avid seer, I practice the art of divination regularly and I have seen that my exam results will not be too good. As Professor Trelawny has not taught us the art of changing the future but only the art of seeing it, I'd like to ask you if you could tell me how I can change my future?
Divination is the only subject at this school that requires no study at all. In other words, fortune-telling is a superstition, it is not real. What you 'see' as your future is all made up in your head and reflects your expectations, so unless you wish to truly fail your exams, I suggest your get your nose out of those tea leaves and do some real study.
Dear Professor Snape,
As a student, I am of the belief that we must all work hard to achieve the best marks we can. I am probably the most hardworking student in my year. However, even working day and night, come the exam day, I still feel nervous. Many people tell me I work too hard, but is there any other way for me to learn the material, and recall it confidently, without having to work every waking hour? Also, what shade of read should the healing potion be. Mine was a crimson type of shade, is that correct? Should I have added more claws? Or maybe I added too many beetles?
'All work and no play makes Crookshanks a dull person', and 'all play and no work makes Crookshanks a dumb person', so it is your choice what sort of person you wish to become. If you learn your material properly, there is no need to feel nervous, and if you still feel nervous, that is an indication that you have not worked hard enough and you may wish to give up some quality eating and sleeping time to do that extra bit of study.
I do not know the difference between red and crimson, and I doubt any ordinary person would know this. However, if your potion looked like blood, then you have made it correctly.
Dear Professor Snape,
I am really scared of one of my professors, it is very difficult for me to concentrate while my professor is watching over us. Is there a potion that can help soothe my nerves during the lessons, or some breathing technique that can help absolve my fear of this professor?
Dear Mr. Short,
Drinking potions to enhance your learning is against school rules, ten points from Gryffindor for even suggesting it. As for breathing technique, I suggest breathing with either your mouth, your nose, or even both, otherwise you may well die. I do not believe I am a scary professor, I shall be seeing you in class, I expect nothing to blow up next time.
AN: Funny? Weird? Silly? Let me know!!!