A Most Excellent Matrix Adventure Chapter 2: Bill and Ted

From last Chapter -

Trinity couldn't take it anymore. She whipped up her gun and fired almost point blank right into Bill.


Ted cried out, "Tintitty! No!"

But the gun went off.

Trinity couldn't believe it. The idiot moron posing as an Agent dodged the bullet. Like an Agent. She fired again and again. Bill was simply shifting or twisting aside to dodge the bullets.

Bill was also amazed he was staring slack jawed at Ted who was smiling stupidly and nodding his head. Bill actually saw the bullet coming towards him in slow motion. He could see the shock trails of the disturbed air as it was passing through. He even ran his finger through the wake of the bullet finding it so amusing.

"No way!" exclaimed Bill.

"Yes way!" answered Ted smiling.

"Woo hoo! Did you see that Ted? That was so most totally triumphant! Like I can dodge bullets!" then Bill takes on a serious look and starts talking like he's an announcer "Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in single bound!"

Bill then starts to sound out the Superman theme song and thrust out his fists and starts making flying noises.

Ted then said, "Aw, that's nothing! I can do the same thing! Watch me! Tintitty shoot me too!" She's staring at him like he's lost his mind "Come on shoot me! Okay, Morfus you shoot me!

Now Morfus's patience snapped. He looked seriously at Ted.

"Neo! I don't know what's gotten into you, what's going on, nor do I care! Right now we have to get out of here before we can be traced! You may be powerful but let's not arouse the Source and allow it to bring all it's power to bear down on us! These new Agents are getting more and more powerful! Never remain in one place too long! It's too dangerous here! Let's get back on top before it's too late!"

"Morfus! Dude! Relax! Don't burst like a major blood vessel over this!" Said Ted.

"Yeah, dude, don't have a corona over this!" Then Bill appeared to be thinking "On second thought you should have a corona over this! Corona beer that is!" and starts laughing like a maniac. Ted thought it was funny too and was chuckling with Bill.

Still with a serious expression on, "Neo, we must leave - NOW!" When he said 'now' he said it through gritted teeth.

Whispering from the corner of his mouth Bill said, "Ted! Is that why they call him Morfus? Because he fuss so much?"

Morpheus heard that and removed his pince-nez sunglasses and if looks could kill Bill would have been dead 10 times over.

Controlling himself Morpheus turned to Neo and said, "Neo, we - " then he gaped at Neo. Trinity noticing Morpheus's stare looked at Neo, now she's gaping at Neo.

Neo/Ted's hair was growing longer and unkempt. He appeared to getting slightly shorter and younger looking.

Bill noticing this smiled and told Ted, "Dude, you are like becoming more undorkish!

"But you are still dressed like a priest though!" Bill added.

"Oh yeah, well, better than looking like you came from a funeral!" retorted Ted.

"Do not!"

"Do to!"

"Do not!"

"Do to!"

Morpheus is pinching the bridge of his nose shaking his head.

"We. Have. To. Leave. Now." Said Morfus, I mean Morpheus. He had a look now on his face that said he was ready to kill just about anything that would argue with him.

Trinity now had a look of cunning on her face.

"Yes, Neo, er, Ted let's first leave then you can bring your friend, er, Bill with us!"

Morpheus had an incredulous look on his face looking at Trinity.

She is giving him a look and making all these faces trying to get Morpheus to see when she was repeating herself, "You know when we get to the LINK! To return!"

Finally Morpheus got the hint.

"Oh, yeah, right! Let's get there first Ted! Then we can talk!" said Morpheus.

"Yeah, come on Ted let's get going!" said Bill enthusiastically.

Trinity and Morpheus started heading across the warehouse to another door opposite the one they came in from. Bill started to follow.


They turned around it was Ted who had told them to stop. This time however when Ted spoke it was Neo speaking through him.

"Morpheus, Trinity! Let's not lie to Bill here! I will explain what Bill is first. He is a memory resurrected by the Architect hoping Bill will deal with me or perhaps weaken me. I've been recently hearing voices of some of my past lives and the memories that are still with me. Theodore Logan was one of my incarnations. Bill's presence here triggered that particular memory to come forward!"

"Bill, I'm sorry, but you cannot return with us!" Neo said to Bill.

Bill looked crestfallen and said, "Dude, why not!"

Neo closed his eyes and let "Ted" manifest himself again.

"Whoa, it's such a rush when you do that!" said Ted shaking his head.

"Well, Bill, it's like this, as Neon dude was telling me! You are not real. You are like a recording that the Mattress is playing back!"

Bill, Morpheus and Trinity all said at the same time, "Mattress?"

"I mean the May Trix! Yeah, that's it! The May Trix!"

"But Ted, Trix are for kids!" said Bill and started laughing like crazy. Ted also joining him cracking up.

Morpheus and Trinity roll their eyes and sighed loudly.

"Okay, okay! Dude, you are like totally not making sense here!" said Bill with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Well, Bill, you know a computer?" asked Ted. Bill nods.

"It's like we're in a computer! Everything you see around you is not real. Even us. We're protek. prozek.pro." Ted shakes his head "images, we're only images of our real selves which is outside of the computer."

Bill still has a lost look on his face. All of a sudden Bill's eyes widen then he cups a hand to his ear. The other three looked at each other puzzled.

"What is it Bill?" asked Ted.

Then Bill looked up at Ted then said, "Ted, I hate to tell you this but suddenly I have the urge to kill you!"

"Whoa! That so most heinous dude!" said Ted.

Bill cups his ear again.

"What is it? What do you hear?" asked Morpheus.

"Well, it sounds like Mr. Kris Kringle dude! And he's telling me to kill you all! Man! You guys must be on his real naughty list!"

When Bill said that Morpheus and Trinity brought their guns to bear on Bill.

Ted held up his hand and went to confront Bill. Morpheus and Trinity lowered their guns and stepped back.

"Bill! You can't listen to the Kris Kringle dude! You must resist him!" said Ted.

"Ted dude! I'm.I'm trying but it's hard!" said Bill then he jumps back and stands on one leg balancing himself precariously, his hands are above him forming claws. Then Bill starts to yowl like a cat. "Yeowww weeee yaaaahooooww!"

Ted also hops into an awkward stance and moving his arms in a ridiculous pattern and chopping the air in front of him. And he also starts to yowl. "Wassssaaaa! Hiyaaaaah!"

Ted starts to speak in a deep voice but moving his mouth randomly as if he was being dubbed, "You have offended me, my family and the showering temple! Prepare to meet your doom!"

"I was once the student but now I am the master!" responded in kind by Bill.

"Only a master of farting!" said Ted.

"Ooooh! That was most foul! Villian! Take this!" cried Bill.

With that they both jumped toward each other and started to strike each other. But they were moving real slow and were only play fighting and making noises like they were punching each other.

Morpheus and Trinity are staring slack jawed not believing what they are seeing.

"I now shall use the heart ripping technique and devour your heart before your very eyes!" Cried Ted and made like he punched into Bill's chest then wrenched out his heart and started to chew on it making loud gulping noises.

"Aha! But fortunately for me I have super regenerative powers allowing me to grow back my heart fast!" with that Bill starts to hum making like his heart is being regenerated.

"Most bogus! You can't do that!"

"Yes, I can!"

"No, you can't!"

"Yes, I can!"

"No, you can't!"

But their argument was interrupted by an oily voice that was dripping with sinister intent. Everyone froze. Morpheus and Trinity had horror on their faces.

Stepping from the shadows appeared another Agent. His slow steady tread even sounded sinister.

"Mr. Anderson." Drawled the oily voice.

For stepping from the shadows was none other than the sinister Agent Smith.

To be continued.