Disclaimer: The Matrix Trilogy and all canon characters belongs to the Wachowki brothers. The PPC and Upstairs were started by Jay and Acacia, and currently are in the keeping of Philosopher at Large and Miss Cam. The D.O.R.K.S. device belongs to Saphie ans Andy, authors of 'Suedom'. OFUM and the Mini-Balrogs belong to Miss Cam, and Miss Cam belongs to herself- may God and a thermonuclear device help anyone who tries to take her away. The PPC General Store belongs to Leto Haven, and that sweetheart also doesn't belong to us, sadly.
The fic we're PPCing isn't ours either, and we don't want it.
We make no money out of this, we make no claim to any of those people or their creations, and people- keep in mind: it's all in good fun.
The Agents turned to glare at the computer, which kept on beeping. Giving up, Achren marched over to see what travesty had been reported this time.
"It never fails, you get back, and there's yet another fic to mash," Obsidian sighed, rubbing her face with her hands while Achren checked out the situation, "so what do we have now?"
Achren spoke slowly and deliberately, each word carefully and almost mechanically pronounced. "We have a crossover." She sounded like she couldn't believe her eyes.
"What...kind of crossover exactly?" Obsidian didn't like the sound of Achren's tone. Please let it not be what she was scared of hearing, please let it not be that impossible fusion of fantasy and sci-fi...
"Matrix...and Lord of the Rings. Do we even have jurisdiction? Shouldn't it go to the Implausible Crossover Department?" She snorted suddenly. "Then again, the poor devils were buried in godawful HP/LotR crossovers up to their eyebrows, last I heard".
Obsidian facepalmed. The last LotR/Matrix crossover she had even bothered to glance at had been a nightmare of bad characterization and implausible mixes. Legolas had found himself in the Matrix, scared of a donkey stuffy. "I think we better take care of this one before it gets any more out of hand, especially with Smith and Elrond mixing."
Achren checked the display. "They don't, as far as I can see- Morpheus, Neo, Trinity and the Sue meet up with the Fellowship after Moria. Thank The Powers That Be for little mercies." She froze suddenly. Then she blinked- several times. "The Matrix is a movie, according to that character. She watched it. So is Lord of the Rings."
"How the hell can that be explained?" Obsidian asked rhetorically, knowing that it was a stupid question anyways. Sometimes, some things just didn't make any sense, "But I guess it gives the Sue a reason to know everything and everyone. Does that not strike her as a dumb move?"
"It turns out that she lives inside the Matrix- and that people inside the Matrix made a movie about the Matrix. Where's the sense in that? And yes, she knows all, and makes a few bad jokes about it- she's so superior to Neo, she doesn't need to be told everything." Achren's fists bunched. "And she's a nurse- that somehow, in the course of a chapter, turns into a doctor. I kill her. You can have her friend," She looked at the fic and smiled humorlessly. "She gets killed by an agent- they never say which agent".
"It doesn't say specifically that the friend dies at the hand of the Agents?" Obsidian asked, pointing at a particular section of the display.
"Not exactly- the Agent shot at them. 'Michelle' goes down- but it never says who hit her," Achren smirked,"You're an acceptable sniper, aren't you?"
"I'm not Ghost, but I'm good enough. I'll bring a Sniper Rifle with us. So, Agents, Rebels, or Innocent Bystanders?"
Achren checked the display and gritted her teeth. "The formatting's dreadful- scene shifts like hell. And we can't follow into their apartment...We'll start in their so-called medical school, see the Sue hug her car- hey, we might as well enjoy ourselves- then decide where to go next. So innocent bystander, for now- don't forget your D.O.R.K."
Grabbing the device off the nearby table where it had been deposited, Obsidian pushed a few buttons on it and nodded, grabbing the rifle. A few minutes of work, and the long rifle was dismantled and placed in a comfortable bookbag. That was one advantage of working in the Matrix fandom- their weapons were topnotch. She strode over to the Portal Generator and activated it hesitantly. "Well, let's get this over with."
"Yes, let's just do it. I want to sleep a little," Achren answered as she marched through the portal.
The Agents found themselves in an undescribed classroom. There was a professor lecturing and a suggestion of students- but oddly enough, the only distinct character was the Sue herself. No other student or person but the Sue and her lecturer were described.
That was only the beginning of it. It was almost impossible to follow what was going on, for not only was most of the world indistinct and nondescript, because it had been written into a single, endless paragraph, there was no sense of time. The professor kept droning on without any pause breaks - not even to breathe. It made Obsidian's head spin.
Achren massaged her temples. The lack of paragraphs pressed down on them like an oppressive, physical force- it was giving her a headache. "Not only is she wrong about when you study this stuff- pressure points and bleeding emergencies are studied in first year in nursing- but I've never seen anyone lifting her ARM up with the tape recorder so she could sleep through the rest of class. And I've yet to meet a professor who didn't at least comment on a student falling asleep in class. I mean, they don't care much, but they usually comment- or joke about it."
Obsidian was about to answer when an unparagraphed scene transition marker temporarily overwhelmed the setting. Next thing she knew, the Sue - Amy, was talking with her friend, Michelle, again with no interruptions or new lines.
"This...is painful. 'Mangling the English language and basic rules of grammar' is going on the charge list."
"So are 'rampant scene-shifts' and 'an inability to describe a scene'. And 'giving the PPC agents a headache'." They watched as Michelle knocked Amy's head on. "That...was odd. And ye gods, what a poor attempt at a "witty" conversation."
With her short attention span, Achren's partner quickly became bored of the 'conversation' between Amy and Michelle, and scanned the Words to see when things started to pick up. "Is it just me, or is there nothing even vaguely relating to the Matrix for at least a chapter?"
"No. And we can't follow them to see their first contact- they'll notice us in their apartment- so we'll need to portal straight into Chapter 3- where Michelle dies, courtesy of you, and then Amy gets taken by the rebels. So lets go see her and her friend off- then portal ahead."
The scene shifted- suddenly and badly.
They were in the under-described parking lot.
In fact, the only things that were discernible in the lot were the Sues, themselves, and a black sedan, which Amy promptly hugged.
"I see this chapter is called 'Normal Life'. We GET IT. Let's move on," Obsidian remarked. She was getting more and more irritated with the pointless scenes that were causing them far too much pain than they were worth. Her only consolation was that it wasn't cold.
Achren's consolation was watching the 'Sue's arms lengthen and embrace the car. Bad formatting was good for something- it was amusing, occasionally.
While the Sue's were nattering on (still without paragraph breaks) Achren pulled out the remote activator and opened a portal. "Come on."
"With pleasure," Obsidian answered, following her partner through the portal. They reappeared much further into the story, although not too far in terms of plot. The action had only just begun.
They were outside on the Chicago streets at night, in an alley. Working quickly, they put the sniper rifle together. Obsidian hoisted it onto her shoulder and sighted down the barrel as the Sues appeared- Amy and Michelle were running from their apartment, away from an Agent. Obsidian noted a hint of disappointment in Achren's face when she saw that it wasn't Smith. Achren noticed the look and pulled herself together.
"An unspecified agent. Yay. Well, at least she's not abusing Smith- some small consolation. I guess. "
In the meantime, the two girls scampered away, Amy clutching the cell phone in one hand and talking into it (presumably, as she ran).
"My name is Neo."
"I'm not sure I heard ya right. Did you say Neo?"
Michelle looked sharply at Amy at these words.
"As in the Matrix movie Keanu Reeves Matrix."
"Yes." Neo replied to Amy's question.
Obsidian rolled her eyes. Riiiiiiiight. "Do you think we can examine Neo's character, even though he's not technically here?" she said.
Achren stared at the Sues. "That was beyond dumb." She shook herself. "Wait a bit- he'll show up soon enough." Achren smirked, suddenly happier "Get ready to fire, m'dear. Not long now."
Nodding, Obsidian looked through the sights, targeting Michelle.
"Wait...Shouldn't we charge her first?" Obsidian asked, remembering the procedure they were supposed to follow; she heard unpleasant stories about what Upstairs did to agents who didn't follow the rules.
Achren shrugged. "She's a secondary Sue- she was written for the sole reason of dying- an angst plot device. But if you insist..." She turned to look at the running figures, and though there was no way they could've heard her, charged their target by pointing her finger at her.
"Michelle, you are hereby charged in being a Sue, being a ditz, being a doomed plot device, and helping the primary Sue in her crimes of Mangling the English language and basic rules of grammar, rampant scene-shifts, an inability to describe a scene, and giving the PPC agents a headache. Plus, you know nothing about being a security guard." She looked at Obsidian. "There. Fire away."
Obsidian grinned. It was true, after all: no one said that the Sue had to hear the charges. She aimed as best she could for Michelle's head, and fired. The bullet whizzed through the air, striking her on the neck. A little off target, but close enough.
The Agent now took out his gun and started to fire at them.
"Crap, Michelle please run faster!"
Amy then realized she was talking to air.
Michelle had been hit.
Obsidian gave a sharp smile. "I love it when the death fits so perfectly into canon."
"Yes. A sort of a happy warm feeling, eh?" They watched in mounting irritation as Amy, in typical my-best-friend-is-dead-and-I-don't-care-anymore fashion, turned around to face the Agent. Why this shocked him, when he was much faster then her and apparently holding a gun- was a mystery. She shot him between the eyes, and he fell back.
"And to think we haven't even gotten to the crossover part of this piece yet," Obsidian noted, frowning. When someone who wasn't Neo- heck, wasn't even a rebel- managed to kill an Agent so easily, it annoyed her to no end. Coupled with the fact that she probably knew everything about Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus because the movie was real, this was going to be one obnoxious little brat to deal with.
"Just wait," Achren said. "What's the betting she'll end up with Legolas?"
"Is that a rhetorical question? You don't even have to bet. We already know she will, unless she turns out to be an Neo, Aragorn or Haldir fan." Looking at the Words, she sighed and shook her head. "She's going to be crying for half an hour. I'm going to clean my gun while I'm waiting."
A thought bubble appeared above Amy's head:
Oh gawd, she's not moving!
Achren raised an eyebrow. "She even thinks in bad spelling? That's scary." She shook her head, bored already from watching the Sue mourn. "I'll dismantle the rifle in the meantime".
Obsidian winced at the word 'gawd' and passed the rifle over to Achren. "You have no idea how disturbing seeing that word is."
Eventually, Achren finished packing the gun away, and Neo appeared out of nowhere to console Amy, who aimed her gun at him.
Achren snorted. "Typical Rebellious!Sue. Can't they even try to be original?" She turned to Obsidian "How OOC is he?"
Obsidian furrowed her brow and put on a pair of sunglasses, using the Character Analysis Device embedded in them to check his personality.
[Neo. Canon Character. The One. 32% Out of Character.]
"He's manageable right now, but I think that's only because his characterization is so...bla," she answered, for lack of a better way to put it.
Achren gave her an amused look (that on other circumstances would've led to quite a row) "You are so very eloquent, my dear." Obsidian bristled, but before she could retort (and really start a row), a black slick car pulled up next to Neo and the Sue. They entered it, and drove off.
"So," Obsidian said to her partner as the car pulled away from the sidewalk and sped off, "now she's off to take her red pill and be unplugged. I think our next stop is the merry old Nebuchadnezzar."
"And her little chat with Morpheus. Poor sod."
The Agents pulled out their D.O.R.K.S. and fiddled with them for a moment, before opening a portal to the Neb, into the Sue's room. Amy was sitting on her cot in a cabin on the Neb, swinging her legs around inattentively while Morpheus spoke to her, thus fulfilling the obligation of exactly imitating Neo's unplugging right down to who unplugs her and who is the first to speak to her after she's rebuilt.
"It's weird waking up to a new place," Amy said in wonder, "Not even knowing where you are. Question."
"This ship is called the Nebuchadnezzar right?"
"Ah...and now, while she knows all about the movie, she forgets the ship's name. Selective memory?" Achren mused rhetorically, tilting her head to the side as she regarded the Sue as if she were a small but slightly cute insect.
"She's just showing off how she knows everything, little punk," Obsidian answered, fiddling with her D.O.R.K.-created rebel sweater. So cold...it was so cold...but creating a thicker one would be uncanonical…
Achren rolled her eyes at her partner. After spending so much time together hunting down Mary Sues, she had learned enough about Obsidian to know what she was thinking.
"Will you please relax?" Achren asked her, "no one can see us. Well, besides her, and she doesn't count since she's not paying attention. Just download a snowsuit or something already! Honestly, I sometimes think you enjoy being in misery and worrying for no reason."
"Riiiight. Whatever you say. I'm not about to get in trouble for breaching canon." Meanwhile, Caduceus (formerly Amy) had undergone all of her training in hand-to-hand combat as well as learned all the medical knowledge ever, thus making her a new doctor without the hassle of actual training or experience.
Obsidian let her eyes wander along the words, past the quick scene changes that dealt quickly with pretty much everything covered in the first movie, from the food to the Jump Program.
Meanwhile, Achren was fuming. "That arrogant pointless bint. First she can't decide if she's a nurse or a doctor, then she becomes a deus-ex-machina expert! Bloody freakin' hell... Add 'Thinking that theoretical information, however extensive, can be as useful as actual first-hand-experience, thus proving incredible stupidity' to the charge list."
Obsidian was about to reply as the world suddenly started to slow down around them like someone had slowed down the frame rate on a movie reel. They heard a low rumble, that seemed to come from everywhere. And then...
Okay here's the deal. I am only in high school and I will undergo the torture every teenager has to endure in my school.
The author's voice boomed. Literally.
"What the fuck? An author's note?" Obsidian shouted, although it was nearly impossible to be heard over the universe-wide announcement that nobody cared about. She stomped her feet and shook her fist at the ceiling as everything in the Nebuchadnezzar froze to accommodate the voice.
"Author. Notes. Are. Not. Chapters!"
"Pipe down and cover your ears! Bitch about it once it's over! You'll go deaf if you keep that up!" Achren shouted back, from where she was crouching on the floor, hands over her ears. Paying them no heed, the Voice Of The Author continued.
Finals. So I won't be on for a week or so because I have to study and I want to pass this grade. I hate reading these things and the fact I'm putting up something I hate, I am currently despising. So enjoy the chapters I have up for now. Ta TA
There was a second of quiet.
The agents cautiously took their hands off their ears, glancing around warily. And since the universe has a nasty sense of humor...
After flinching back into a fetal position, Obsidian lifted her hands from her re-covered ears briefly to test the waters, and then figured it was safe to start talking again when everything began to move and the hum of the Neb's engines returned from static.
"Okay. Let's move along and watch the continuation of her "training."
But it wasn't over yet. The last of the author's tirade knocked both of them to the floor.
I forgot to add this to the beginning of the story and so I'm adding it now, though it may be a little late... I don't own a single one of the characters that belong to the Matrix movies and the Wachowski brothers...Amy, and Michlle are mine...just thought you'd like to know...
Achren lifted her head. "Add 'whining in the middle of the story' to the charges. And "forgetting the damned disclaimer."
The two Agents continued to watch, waiting for the next day to come and for the 'training' to continue. They spent the night (at least for the first hour or two) taking notes on how badly the universe had been mangled by the bad formatting of the fic, but they soon gave up. There were far too many examples to keep track of, and they kept changing every now and then.
Everything in the continuum seemed a little off at the very least. Machines in the core deck appeared to be built according to impossible specifications. The floors and walls were squeaky-clean, and the canon characters were mere hazy afterimages of their former selves when they were not in proximity to Caduceus, losing all their distinct physical features.
When they had grown tired of nitpicking the inconsistencies of the universe, the two PPC Agents played a brief bout of "Eye Spy," but it was just too difficult to play since everything was nondescript and uniform.
"Eye spy with my little eye...something green," Achren said after glancing around for an object to focus on. Her partner made a flippant noise and stared at the ceiling, annoyed.
"If we're going to play, can you choose something a little more difficult? There's only one thing on the Nebuchadnezzar that's green, and it's the Matrix code scrolling down the monitors over there," she answered, pointing at the operation station. Achren shook her head and pointed in a completely different direction.
"Actually, I meant the pile of dirty socks over there," she replied. Sure enough, there was a small pile of fluorescent green socks sitting in one corner of the room.
"Aaah...not another glitch. This is getting really worrisome," Obsidian said.
"Well, no time to note it now. Here comes the Sue," Achren warned.
"How can you tell?"
"The world is coming back into focus. I can actually see the pores on Morpheus' face now."
"Salut!" Caduceus said as she came in.
Everybody but Neo was there.
"What's with the French?" Morpheus asked.
She shrugged, "Just stuck in my head from learning it for so long."
Naturally, Obsidian's eye began to develop a very unhealthy twitching motion, which she stopped short by pressing the back of her hand to the afflicted eye.
"Let's see her say something complicated, like 'quand je serais un adulte, je ne serais plus UN retard mentale!'" she spat, shaking her head. "Knowing one or two words and a phrase is not knowing a language. I mean, wow! I can say 'konichiwa' and 'mushi mushi'! I must be able to speak Japanese!"
Achren patted her on the back. "There there. Here, drink this." She handed her a bottle of Bleepto-Dismal. "And not a word to Upstairs. We're supposed to be out of this. Good thing Leto's such a softy."
Obsidian stared in amazement at the bottle Achren produced. It was as if she had just been shown the Holy Grail. "Is that Bleepto? Oh, how I missed its mind-numbing effects. Remind me to deify Leto when we get back, will ya?" she said to Achren thankfully, taking a small swig of the potion. She could feel her pounding headache ebb away as the fast-acting solution began to take effect.
The drink did help relieve the pain of watching the Sue learn how to fight- but sadly, it had already worn off by the next day, when they stood on the frozen bridge and watched the Sue hit Morpheus inside the training program and then learn to jump building after only a few tries.
And then came the kicker on the nightshift.
Achren and Obsidian helped themselves inconspicuously to the food they had brought along with them (having half a mind not to eat the Tasty Wheat slop) after watching Caduceus make her jump, and were eating in silence, watching Neo (who looked just as bored as them with surveying the Matrix.) And along came Caduceus, the world rippling back into detail as she entered the room.
"Bonjour!" she said cheerfully, making Obsidian's forehead crease into a distinctive wrinkle of annoyance. She said nothing, letting it slide while she mentally reminded herself that, at the very least, this girl had not made the first jump. No one really knew how many tries it had taken Neo anyway.
"When you said that almost everything was like the movie, what was different?"
"Well Trinity and I aren't an item, Trinity likes guns more than in the movie, and the oracle is more cryptic than the movie let on."
Obsidian nearly choked on her half-eaten candy bar. "Neo's the One without the cumbersome baggage of being taken by another woman as well. How...convenient for her...."
"Indeed. Do you think I could borrow Gimli's ax? I'll clean it up afterwards..." Achren wondered aloud.
Achren's partner chuckled in delight at the suggestion. "Somehow, I don't think he will mind a bit, considering he'll probably be lucid. He usually is in Sue-ridden stories since they pretty much ignore him. Why don't we ask him when the time comes?"
"Yes. Gotta love the dwarf. Wonder who'll be the sexist bastard...usually it's either Gimli or Boromir." Her face brightened up suddenly. "We could take the Horn of Gondor and blow out her eardrums!" She frowned at the Sues back. "She nearly ruined ours."
"I like the sound of that too. But we might attract orcs or Tolkien Sues trying to locate the Fellowship, so let's be careful with it."
Onwards and sideways went the intrepid pair into the next chapter. On today's menu: The Oracle.
"You know what I realized I hate most about this particular fanfiction?" Obsidian said, gesturing around, "it's so plain. 'And then she made the jump and had dinner.' 'And then Neo beat all of the Smiths and was happy.' Like that. It's like everyone's a cardboard cutout. Hell, they're so out of character that they probably are cutouts."
Achren glanced at the words and ground her teeth. "Just wait. Let's skip ahead in a portal to where they enter the Matrix- I'm not waiting for the bint to finish her thoughts and get moving. Activate the character analysis device- and focus on Trinity when we get there."
The agents portalled into a nondescript room, which had nothing but a phone apparently held in mid-air- not describing the environment could lead to interesting results indeed. A short press of a D.O.R.K. later, and they were leather-clad rebels- just like the four people who suddenly appeared in the room.
"Do I dare analyze her non-character?" Obsidian mused, blinking in the proper way to activate her sunglasses' Character Analysis Device.
[Trinity. Canon Character. First Mate of the Nebuchadnezzar. 98% Out of character. She makes the explosions that makes the peoples fall down.]
"If we don't do something fast, I think everyone will be in for some serious therapy. Especially her," she added, frowning.
The agents stared in disbelief as Trinity shot a bum who watched them arrive. To further their amazement, she shot him in the throat, making it a slow death.
"Can't scream with a bullet lodged in your throat now can ya?" Trinity asked the now twitching form of the hygiene impaired squeegee technician.
"All right, I'll bite," Achren commented, "'Hygiene Impaired?' What's wrong with 'dirty'? Or 'filthy'? Give it up with the political correctness already! And what's a squeegee technician?" She paused for a second, then added, "And how OOC is she?"
"She's 98% and rising faster than a boiling kettle. And to answer your question, I think she means the homeless person squeegees car windows at intersections for money. But you know what else is odd? I didn't hear the man scream. Neo just asked who was screaming and then it started," Obsidian answered, fiddling with the sides of her sunglasses.
The Agents watched as Trinity shrugged off her killing the bum, and followed the Canons and the Sue outside- after a short pause in which the Sue stopped and admired her phone. Achren couldn't help herself. "Sure, they're at war, hunted and always in danger, but she'll delay them so that she can admire a bloody phone. Priorities, much?"
Obsidian snorted at the joke. "You want to know about priorities? They go have ice cream. And then get whisked away to Arda by a 'mysterious' light."
"Forget I asked." She glanced at the words and shuddered. "Great goddess on a pogo stick. Look, I'm not sitting through another Oracle character assassination. Let's go get ice cream ourselves, and meet them afterwards. We'll go with them to Arda, and then kill her and get the canons back on track. Good?"
"I like. Let's go to Ben and Jerry's."
There were quite a few advantages to working in the Matrix Fandom. One of them was that they were able to eat all the junkfood they wanted and not gain any weight. After all, it was all in your mind.
They wandered along the streets and, using Obsidian's vague memory of the Matrix's Chicago, located a Ben and Jerry's and ordered ice cream. It was almost ridiculous to look at: two leather-clad women eating away at sugar cones, but it was worth it to sample the sugar: you didn't get this sort of thing at PPC headquarters. The ice cream you got there was in gray, toxic pink, or, if you were really unlucky, urple. Luckily, the canon protected them, so no one gave the two leather-clad, heavily armed women funny looks. Even with Obsidian's katana strapped to her back, the hilt poking over her shoulder.
"You have ice-cream on your fingers. What flavor is it, anyway? First time I see blue ice-cream."
Obsidian lifted her fingers and quite inappropriately stuck them in her mouth to suck off the dribbling ice cream, averting her eyes. "It's blueberry-chocolate swirl. Why do you ask?"
"Just wondering. And another thing: you hate the cold so much- you certainly whine enough- and yet you are absolutely in love with all kinds of ice cream. Isn't that a bit of a contradiction?" She handed over a napkin.
Obsidian took the napkin and wiped her mouth quickly, shaking her head. "No, because in order to eat ice cream, it has to be nice and hot outside. That's what so great about it!" she answered between mouthfuls, "and I'm going to miss it. The ice cream at Headquarters sucks more than a black hole sucks in space."
"True enough." Achren glanced to the side. "Did you eat a lot of ice-cream? In you life inside the fan-fiction, I mean. If you got used to it. And do you miss it?"
"I....I used to. Before I was unplugged. Things changed a lot in the Real World. I guess it's one of those things I never stopped missing...but then again, even my life in the Real World wasn't canon, so I sometimes wonder if I had ever even tasted it..." she trailed off and was silent, before resuming an appearance of indifference. "How about you? Why are you such a fan of the cold?"
Achren shrugged. "I get hot easily, and I don't like sweating. Makes me feel dirty."
The Agents stared at each other for a second, not speaking. Their backgrounds weren't an everyday topic. Achren shook her head suddenly, sharply. "Well, my dear, I believe we've filled our quota of the 'touchy-feely' conversation, so to say. I daresay it is obligatory, but now we're well past it." She got to her feet. "I'll go pay, finish your cone- then let's go kill a Sue." She started to move away, then stopped. Without turning to face Obsidian, she added, "And we're getting a fridge, and some normal food. The cafeteria in headquarters will give me an ulcer."
Obsidian was slightly taken aback, a little irked that Achren had abruptly changed the subject. "Good. We'll buy it after this mission," she said curtly, before returning her attention to the task at hand. "Anyways. Lookie at twelve o'clock: crashing car containing Sue and canon, heading towards a mysterious group of trees!"
Achren turned away from the clerk, who was standing there holding some bills with no clear memory of how they got there. Her smile was unpleasant, although the reason for it was open for debate. "Good. Let's join the chase- it's our ride to Middle Earth."
They quickly tossed their ice cream wrappers and leftover bits of uneaten food onto the ground and made a sprint for the Neo and co. as Agents approached them, guns blazing.
They joined the canons and the Sue as they were running through the slightly diseased trees. Both of them kept an eye out for the Sue, who was grazed by a bullet and developed a thought bubble. It read Oweez. Achren nearly stumbled. "Cripes. How much of a teenybopper can you become?"
"Apparently, not much more of one," Obsidian responded, huffing. "Get ready, here comes the transition!"
The light had grown dimmer through the thick canopy of the trees. Then all of a sudden the light grew so that it was almost blinding and then a phone began to ring. The Agents stumbled forward and crashed to the stone floor of the caves of Moria. It was fuzzy from lack of description- all they saw were the fellowship: Gandalf hung at the end of the broken bridge, and shouted "Fly, you fools"- and then, just according to canon, fell.
"Gandalf!" That was Frodo, held back from running over as Gandalf fell- by...not Boromir, but a large, fiery, familiar looking demon. Achren squinted at it.
"A mini-balrog? Oh joy. What's his name?" She glanced at the words, and spluttered. "Boomer? BOOMER!?!?"
"What?!" Her partner had to blink several times in order to realize what she was staring at: a Mini-Balrog! "I thought it was just a poem that everyone in the Tolkien division recited! They're real?!"
"Of course they're real! We need to take this one with us- we'll take him to headquarters and transfer him to OFUM. Cripes, what a mess... "
"Dang, that doesn't look like it's going to be easy," Obsidian remarked, looking at the Boromir replacement before doing a double take at 'Aragorn'.
"Uh....Achren? I think there's two of them. Aragorn...or should I say 'Aragon' is over there…"
"We must obey his last command." Aragon, the mini-balrog, said in a wheezy voice as it ushered the hobbits outside to the first light they have seen for many days.
"What 'many days'? They've been in Moria what, 3 days?"
Obsidian shrugged. "Apparently, that is many. I don't think it's that bad of a line, but anyways. They'll be meeting the gang of rebels-" there were a few noises as everyone in the fellowship stopped and drew their weapons, "-right about now."
The Agents moved toward the Fellowship and the Rebels, and were privileged to see the real Boromir and Aragorn pop back into existence. The mini-balrogs came loping toward the agents- being uncanon themselves, they sensed the agents, and registered them as kindred spirits of a sort- neither the PPC nor the minis were overly fond of canon altering Sues.
"Do you serve the dark lord of Mordor or are you enemies." Legolas 'asked' the stranger.
Achren rolled her eyes. "Double negative. Did that sentence make any sense at all? Do you serve him, OR are you enemies?"
The single line spoken by the elf was enough for Obsidian. "Okay, that's enough mucking around in experimental continuum surgery. I'll charge her, you kill her," Obsidian said curtly, grabbing the paper she had jotted down most of the charges on.
Achren grinned suddenly. Quite viciously. "Charge away, my pet." She strode over in Gimli's direction.
"Amy...Caduceus! You are hereby charged with...Being a Mary Sue, creating an Implausible crossover between fantasy and sci-fi, mangling the English language and basic rules of grammar, mangling the professions of Medicine- a Nurse doesn't suddenly turn into a doctor, and they don't study together. Not knowing anything about the training of security guards, rampant scene-shifts, and an inability to describe a scene. Plus, rendering everyone out of character, justifying canonical changes and canonical knowledge via deus ex machina, inserting an Author's note as a chapter, forgetting the damned disclaimer...and misspelling the names of Aragorn, son of Arathorn lord of the Dunedain and King of Gondor, and Boromir, son of Denethor, who is the Steward of Gondor. If you have anything to say about this, make it quick, because I want my fridge damnit!"
The Sue blinked at her. "Hein?" (Thus showing that Sues just don't let up. They know a handful of words in French, and they speak it instinctively).
Achren hefted the axe she took from Gimli's unresisting hand. She smiled at the Sue. "Au revoir, silly Sue." She swung the axe. There was a short pause, in which the Sue's body and head dropped to the ground- separately- and the canon characters shook their heads, beginning to snap out of their Sue-induced condition. Achren crouched near the Sue. "Neurolize them- then we'll portal away with the minis and the Matrix canons. I'll deal with the corpse."
Without bothering to answer, Obsidian yanked out a neurolizer from the Men In Black continuum, adjusted the settings, and then pointed it at the canon characters of both worlds while Achren shoved the Sue's body and the minis out of the way.
"Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, see ya Trixside. My dear Halflings, my beautiful dwarf and Lords of Men and Elves, it was a pleasure meeting you. But now we've never met. Namarie!"
Closing her eyes just to be safe, she hit the flash and a bright light filled their eyes, wiping the memory of their encounters with Caduceus and each other.
Achren stuffed the body into a nylon bag, and patted Boomer's head. "Don't worry, deary, you'll get her...literally." She straightened up, slinging the bag over her shoulder. "Bloody heavy, this one." She grinned at the Minis. "Lucky you." Before Obsidian could ask what she meant, Achren pulled out the portal generator, and opened a portal to the PPC headquarters.
The Agents walked out into their response center, pulling the dazed canons with them: Achren was dragging Neo, clutching his arm with one hand, the bag on her shoulder with the other, Obsidian was leading Morpheus (quite happily, though she'd later deny she'd been stroking his arm), and Aragon was being useful and pulled Trinity along (the poor thing felt that neither agent much cared for his namesake, and was trying to compensate).
Achren dumped the bag to the floor. "Take them to the Department of Medicine - the minis will help you. Then come back here with them. I'll deal with the corpse."
"Can do. If you guys will follow me…" she said to the Matrix canon cast, beckoning towards the door. While they were still confused and dazed, their vague remembrance of Obsidian seemed to be enough to convince them to follow her, which they did after exchanging looks. She let the three rebels walk out into the hallway, not-too subtly passing a glance in Morpheus' direction, before closing the door behind her, marching ahead of them to the Medicine Department (where they healed characters and agents from damage sustained from Sues, Avatars and possession. Some characters practically lived there now- Boromir, Thranduil, Legolas, Harry Potter and Raistlin among them).
Achren considered; the Sue's corpse could wait a few more moments. She grabbed her portal generator, and jumped back into the Matrix fandom. There will be hell to pay if Upstairs heard of the unauthorized trip into canon, but really now; if the flowers did their jobs and furnished them like they needed, they wouldn't jump between worlds. Buying the fridge took less then five minutes, buying the ice cream even less. And getting two guys to carry the loaded fridge into an out-of-the-way alley is very easy for a woman clad in skintight leather. From there it was a quick portalling into the response center, and she was left with only one problem: the Sue.
"Well...the simplest solution works best, I guess." She took the flamethrower that stood near the door (in hopes one day they'll be allowed to take it to missions again; sadly, PPC agents could no longer take such weapons into canon, since that unfortunate accident which burned up a sizable part of Yavin in the Star Wars continuum), and dragged the corpse into the fireproof room just down the hall (you could find EVERY room in headquarters, if you cared to look).
"Doctor Fitzgerald, are you there?" Obsidian called into the Psychology Office. When no answer came, she shuffled the three Matrix characters (somewhat forcefully) into the room and made them sit down in some comfy sofa chairs while she tried to find someone to attend to them.
"Hey, come here!" she yelled, "I've got canon characters that need treatment!"
"What? What's all this?" someone answered from behind a desk. Obsidian strode over to the desk where the voice was coming from, and came across the good doctor, who was so absorbed in organizing his notes on Anakin Skywalker he was completely oblivious. Obsidian pointed at the Nebuchadnezzar crew behind her exasperatedly.
"Matrix characters need rehabilitation. Sue mucked up their characters really badly. Can you please take care of them before they snap back and start to think they're in the Matrix and try to fight?"
The doctor squeaked to attention, seeing the logic in this. "Well, when you put it that way, I'll get started right now!" he replied, smoothing over his white lab coat and walking over to the Neb crew.
" Ah. Trinity, pleasure to meet you. If you'll come this way, we'll sort you out in no time…"
Obsidian sighed and headed for the door. "Thank you. Yeesh."
Obsidian and the minis arrived at the door of the response center just as Achren was returning, dragging a foul-smelling bag behind her. Obsidian wrinkled her nose. "What is this?"
Achren kicked the bag lightly and waved over the two minis "That is your Sue. Eat up- all of her- and then you can come in." She turned and walked into the room, calling over her shoulder, "Well? We have ice cream. Or are you planning to stand there all day?"
"Ice cream? Sweet!" Obsidian practically ran into the room.
Eventually, things settled down a bit: the agents gorged themselves on copious amounts of ice cream, the minis enjoyed their meal and were then comfortably settled in OFUM, and all was well. Until the next mission, that is.
1. The Poem is:
name spelled wrong in Rings,
a MiniBalrog gets its 'wings' "
It belongs to Philosopher at Large, an (amazing) author and an accomplice of Miss Cam and the PPC. Go read her stories!
2. References to 8-bit Theatre (I casts the spells that makes the peoples fall down!) are intentional.