But, wait, what chapter through yonder fanfiction updates? Is it the comedy, and Jaune is the drunk? Arise, fair lush, and kill my free time, which is already spent sick and mightily hungover, that thou, this drunkard, are more fun than work.

Basically, work is boring and in a quiet period so I wrote this.

Also, totally agree with some reviews saying this is fun but might not make a good "story". This is something I talk with my students a lot about because they have these great ideas in their heads for these big scenes and moments, but can't make a full-length and cohesive story surrounding it. Sometimes ideas are better as disjointed crack drabbles than a story because framing it in normal prose and pacing would detract from the experience. Here, for example, it would be possible to stretch this into a normal story, but it'd mean a lot of "less funny" moments where people get genuinely worried for Jaune's alcoholism, and where normal things happen or where emotional conflict with the other characters takes a turn from comedic to serious. Basically, not drunk Jaune and not overly funny.

This is good as disjointed ideas spread over the timeline where you're left to "imagine" that things happened in between the chapters. It's less good showing all that progression and making you sit through extra chapters that fill in the blanks.

Chapter 2

The day started as it always did for Team PWAR – Team Power, to give their official name, or Team Prisoner-of-War as Ruby's idiot sister often referred to them as, on account of how one member of their team acted like he was being kept in Beacon against his will. Weiss personally thought she ought to be given that sentiment, seeing as how she wished she could be on any other team.

She had Pyrrha Nikos as a partner and team leader.

It wasn't worth it.

Not if it meant putting up with him.

It was Weiss' turn to take the left leg, with Ruby taking the right, and Pyrrha supporting the shoulders as the three girls carried the snoring man into the classroom. No one reacted to it, everyone was used to it, and they propped him up in his seat. He promptly rocked forward and slammed his head on the desk.

He didn't wake up.

When Professor Port entered the room, he took one look at them, shrugged and continued on his lesson. Better teachers than he – which was most of them, really – had tried and failed to wake Arc up and get him to participate in lessons. It was easier to just let him sleep through it then it was to deal with his drunken ramblings. So, Port dove into it, waxing about the Grimm and telling old stories until he remembered the one he'd captured for this very lesson. The students looked like they could use some excitement.

"Who here thinks they have what it takes to-?"

"Jaune does!" shouted Weiss, standing and planting a foot on the idiot's back and giving him a mighty shove before Port could even accept the volunteer. Jaune Arc flopped over his desk and… sort of oozed down the others, folding bonelessly over one desk and then the next, knocking people's schoolwork off as he lazily flopped his way down the rows of desks like a slinky down a staircase.

He fell the final two feet to the floor with an almighty crack that had everyone wincing.

"Huh?" asked the boy, waking up and looking around blearily. "Where am I?"

"Ho! Ho!" boomed Port. "You've volunteered – well, you've been volunteered – for a little demonstration. Of courage, of bravery, of-"

"Who are you again?"

"Professor Port."

"Mmmm. Port." Jaune's eyes misted over. "I like port."

"Yes. Well, you're stealing my thunder here somewhat, my boy. I'm going to release this Grimm now and let you deal with it. I'm sure that after your stellar performance with the Deathstalker, you'll have no problem with a measly Boarbatusk. And I will be here should anything go wrong! Do tell me when you're ready."

Jaune Arc didn't respond with words, on account of the fact he had uncorked a bottle of port and was chugging it like it was fruit juice, but he did hold up a finger for the professor to wait, and so he did, curious to see what would happen. Jaune Arc finished off the bottle, stood, and swayed, then smashed it back against a desk behind him, making everyone jump, and aimed the broken and very sharp weapon at the cage.

"R-Ready," he slurred.

"Mr Arc. You realise you have a sword on your hip."

"Yeah, but it's on my hip." slurred the boy, stumbling to the left before he righted himself. "What's a sword gonna do there?"

"I am suggesting you could draw the sword and put it in your hand… instead of using a bottle..."

Jaune looked at the teacher like he was speaking another language. "What…?"

"Never mind. I'm releasing the Boarbatusk now."

In the stands, Ruby was biting her fingernails. Yang would have normally told her off for that, but her sister was too busy taking bets among her team. "Is this really right?" asked Ruby. "Shouldn't we do something? He's not in any state to fight."

"He's never in any state to do anything," snapped Weiss. "This is Beacon. If he can't be a huntsman then it's better he realises it fast and be allowed to leave. Really, I'm doing him a kindness with this."

"A kindness," said Pyrrha, not at all convinced. "I'm sure kindness was the first thing on your mind when you volunteered him."

Weiss shot her a glare. "I don't recall you moving to stop me."

Blood rushed to Pyrrha's cheeks. "It was too sudden. I couldn't react."

"Same," lied Ruby, who everyone knew had a speed Semblance. "Um. Go Jaune! Woooo!"

"Go Boarbatusk!" shouted Weiss. "Run that drunken lout through!"

Everyone turned to stare at her, including Jaune, Port, and even the Boarbatusk. Weiss stared back at the assembled faces indignantly.

"What?" She crossed her arms. "I'm only being fair. Someone has to cheer for the Grimm. It'd be rude otherwise."

The Grimm was the first to recover, which was never really in doubt when talking about Jaune's reflexes - he struggled to recover from waking up in the mornings. Calling them reflexes at this point was an insult to reflexes everywhere, as the doctor, Tsune, had found out that if you hit his knee with a hammer, he just said "ow" and sat there. As such, he didn't even notice the Boarbatusk rolling toward him until it was almost on top of him. He spotted it at the last second, but it took several seconds for his brain to process it which sort of rendered the point moot. The Boarbatusk struck him like a speeding car and sent him flying into the air.

He flipped through the air, performed a double somersault and then belly-flopped the floor with an artistic splash. In the crowd, several students clapped, and Blake Belladonna held up her notebook with the number "4" marked on it in black. Yang gave him a "6" on account of the way he splayed out.

The Grimm circled around the outside of the arena and came back around for another attack, still rolling and moving at incredible speed. Jaune stood and gripped his broken bottle shiv, ready to fight at last. His eyes narrowed and he carefully judged the distance, waiting for the moment it came close.

"Now!" he roared, stabbing.

About twelve whole seconds too early. Judging timing and distance was, apparently, not so easy when you were seeing triple. He stabbed the empty air with such force that his miss caused him to topple forward and land on his stomach with an "oof." Then, as if he hadn't embarrassed their team enough, he shouted, "IT DODGED!"

Ruby slapped her face with one hand.

"He's doomed," groaned Pyrrha.

"He's doomed!" cheered Weiss.

Sensing victory, the Boarbatusk sped up its approach and aimed for the human's head. Weiss would have suggested the chest, because she was certain nothing of value lay in that skull of his. Jaune reacted at the very last second by trying to roll aside.

Now, rolls were a common technique. There were combat rolls, diving rolls, desperate rolls. Anything to get you out of trouble, really. Jaune rolled like a five-year old might – by placing both hands down, then placing his head to the floor, then slowly trying to flip his centre of mass over his head, failing because he was too heavy or too tired or too drunk, and flopping back down with a grunt on his side.

The Boarbatusk struck his back.

It was said that the paradox of the immovable object being hit by an unstoppable force had stumped physicists for decades. This impact provided no further evidence, as Jaune was about as far from an immovable object as one could be. He flopped under the Boarbatusk, offering no resistance and basically acting like a speed bump. That caused the Grimm, with its high momentum, to bounce up and over the limp figure, and, for a moment, go airborne. Up over Jaune, up over Professor Port, up over the first rows of seats and tables.

Ruby was the first to flee, blitzing away with her Semblance; Pyrrha was not far behind her, instincts ingrained from years on the tournament circuit teaching her to be ready for any attack and sending her diving from her seat under the one in front, where she rolled between Blake and Yang's legs.

Weiss Schnee was slower, sat in place, eyes bulging, mid-cheer for the Grimm, as the creature hurtled up in a parabolic arc that almost saw it touch the ceiling, and then come unerringly down toward her.

At the last second before impact, Weiss decided that this was all Jaune's fault.

/-/

It didn't surprise Ruby much when Jaune was called up to fight almost the second they arrived in Miss Goodwitch's class. In any other situation, she might have thought herself paranoid for saying Miss Goodwitch had a problem with her partner. Not here. It was pretty much a given at this point, and Jaune had been called for more fights than anyone else.

Though… calling them fights was… not quite accurate…

Technically speaking, Jaune hadn't yet lost.

Technically speaking.

He hadn't really won either, though there had been some debate when he fought against Lie Ren and doused the other boy in alcohol when a wooden barrel he brought out his pocket had burst on impact with Ren's weapon. Once the drizzle stopped, the two had been sat in the middle of the ring holding onto one another and singing songs drunkenly.

Ren had missed the next day of schooling to what he called the worst hangover ever experienced.

Jaune's latest opponent was Cardin Winchester, the leader of Team CRDL, and someone who Ruby had seen harassing faunus students around Beacon. He was a bully if she'd ever seen one, and he fit the bill with his broad shoulders and heavy two-handed mace. A weapon like that was designed almost solely for fighting Grimm, because any huntsmen worth their salt would be able to dodge it.

If they saw it coming.

This being Jaune, she'd be surprised if he was even aware his opponent had a weapon – or that he had an opponent, or that he was up in the arena, or even in Beacon or what Beacon was in the first place. There was times Ruby worried her partner might forget to breathe.

"Don't die!" shouted Ruby, in encouragement. "I'm sure Weiss is cheering you on as well," she added.

In fact, she was quite sure – quite sure she was lying. Weiss was still resting up in the infirmary after a flying Boarbatusk struck her with the force of a meteorite. No one could quite say it was Jaune's fault on account of the fact he couldn't have predicted the Grimm would go airborne after hitting him, and because Weiss ought to have dodged.

It was probably for the best Weiss was hopped up on painkillers, because even high out her mind she'd still managed to gargle out several threats against their teammate's life. Jaune had, of course, promptly asked who Weiss was. Tsune had upped the girl's painkillers when she ripped out an IV in her attempts to strangle Jaune with it.

Being Jaune's partner was hard…

"Cardin Winchester versus Jaune Arc," announced the teacher, standing between them. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," said Cardin.

"No," slurred Jaune. "What are we doing again?"

Miss Goodwitch didn't answer him. She knew from experience that the answers would not stick in his mind anyway.

"Begin!"

The mace came swinging in from Jaune's left side, and Ruby winced, knowing there would be no dodging. When it hit, he folded over the weapon, slid across the top and fell down the other side.

It was hard to explain.

In a way, it was like trying to hit the water coming out a tap with your toothbrush. You could swing the toothbrush at a stream of water, but the water would just flow over and around it and continue unbroken once it was gone. Jaune did that. He was so boneless and so loose that instead of being knocked away and left with bruised ribs, he just sort of flopped over the top of the weapon without taking much damage.

Ruby was rather sure it made no actual sense.

Cardin brought his mace around and up and down again, but Jaune had already begun to rise, and lost his footing in a haze of inebriation, falling back and coincidentally dodging the mace by a hair's breadth. It had come down resting between his open legs, inches from his crotch.

"Fight me!" shouted Cardin.

"Why?" asked Jaune, almost complaining. "I don't even know you. C-Can't we just have a drink and talk this out like adults?"

"Rargh!"

Cardin swept the mace up and stepped in and kicked Jaune in the stomach. The force of it brought Jaune back up onto his feet, if unsteady, and Cardin struck him with the haft of his weapon to knock him back to a good distance for him to bring the full might of it around.

A two-handed weapon with range was a liability when your opponent was too close – something that Ruby would have liked to say Jaune had in mind when he lurched forward and draped himself against Cardin, forcing the other man to abort the attack. She'd have liked to say it, but they all knew it was nothing of the sort. Similarly, Jaune's drunken flailing and patting-down of Cardin might have been generously construed as an attack if not for the fact he was drooling on Cardin's breastplate.

"Get off me!" shouted Cardin, kicking and trying to push Jaune back.

Jaune, for his part, clung on for dear life and slurred something that couldn't be made out. Cardin brought the haft of the weapon down between their bodies and used it to pry Jaune off him, sort of like a crowbar. He gave a solid shove as he did, sending Jaune stumbling several feet away and giving Cardin more than enough time to recover.

It also gave Jaune time to realise he was in a fight. Jaune brought both his hands up before his face like a boxer. No, that was unfair to boxers. It was more like someone trying to read a book and holding the pages right up against their eyes. He had his hands too close, so close that even if he did block a punch, his own fists would smack back into his nose.

"I-I warn you," slurred Jaune. "I-I have a m-mean right hook. D-Don't say I didn't warn you."

"You're not even looking at me," said Cardin.

True to his words, Jaune was threatening the far wall.

"Whoah!" Jaune turned to face where the voice had come from. "You're sneaky! M-Must be your Semblance. Don't tell me; I can guess." He pointed at Cardin. "You can teleport!"

"I didn't…"

"I knew it! Only explanation!"

Cardin sighed. Miss Goodwitch sighed. Ruby sighed. If there was a God, that God had probably just sighed. "Look," said Cardin, not unkindly. "Why don't you just accept defeat already. Forfeit."

Jaune was shocked. "I can forfeit?"

"No!" snapped Miss Goodwitch. "No forfeits."

"Whaaa…? That seems unfair."

"You will fight, Mr Arc!" shouted the teacher. "Now, fight!"

Cardin shrugged, almost apologetic. "Don't say I didn't try to be nice."

He came in with an almighty swing that Jaune, by sheer luck, managed to stumble and duck under. It was the perfect opportunity to counterattack, but Jaune's footing and balance were about several continents out of place, and he staggered and stumbled his way across the arena away from Cardin, almost ringing himself out entirely.

Jaune came to an unsteady stop in front of Miss Goodwitch, his back to her and his body aimed toward Cardin. The teacher looked annoyed, as she often did, and crossed her arms, clicked her tongue and said, "You're a mockery to huntsmen everywhere."

Jaune tensed. "Ahah!"

He ducked, turned, weaved and lashed out with his right fist, right into the teacher's nose. Miss Goodwitch's glasses cracked and she was sent toppling back, falling off the arena and crashing to the floor.

It was the first good hit he'd gotten in – and it was on their teacher.

Ruby choked.

Pyrrha whimpered.

The class was shocked silent.

"T-Thought you could t-teleport behind me again, did ya?" slurred Jaune, wobbling left and right. "I-I told you I had a mean right hook." He paused. "Does this mean I win?" He turned, and spotted Cardin, who had the look of a man who had just witnessed a ten car pileup, and then seen that pileup burst into flames with people trapped inside screaming. "H-Hey. How did you get all the way over there?"

Technically speaking, Jaune didn't lose that spar either. Neither did Cardin.

A match required a teacher to call the result…

And theirs was carried out on a stretcher.

/-/

"Your nose is broken," said Tsune, holding some tissue against the bruised and unhappy woman's face. "It doesn't look too bad. It should heal without any issue. You know, I'm fairly sure you're supposed to keep your aura up at all times when officiating spars."

Glynda glared sourly at the faunus over her bloody tissue. Her glasses were gone, and she hadn't had the chance to collect another pair.

"It's an important lesson on not underestimating people," said Ozpin, quickly becoming Glynda's second-most despised person in Beacon. "I did warn you not to continue testing him. His Semblance will work to protect him."

"He broke by dose!" complained Glynda.

"Yes, he did, but, in his defence, he didn't mean to – and you are a huntress. There is no way you shouldn't have been able to react in time to block that hit. Mr Arc doesn't even have any boxing experience."

Or any experience at all, but that hadn't stopped Ozpin inviting him to Beacon, though the man had been very cagey on how he managed that. Arc obviously didn't remember any of it, and Ozpin wouldn't say more than he'd made the offer and got the signature. Glynda would almost suspect him of having drafted a drunk who wasn't aware of what he was signing if she didn't know better.

"He's a mebace!" slurred Glynda. She cringed and forced her eyes shut, enunciating the words more slowly. "A menace."

"Nonsense. I am told he's a very lovely young man."

"By whom?" asked Tsune. "Not even the alcohol industry likes him since he pisses craft beer, bleeds red wine and sweats vodka."

One of those things was an exaggeration.

Ozpin did not want to know which.

"Amber likes him," he eventually settled on. The Fall Maiden had specifically asked him to look after the boy as thanks for having saved her. That fact didn't earn him much in the way of approval from Glynda or Tsune, but then he brightened up. "And he did step in to defend a faunus who was being bullied by several upper years."

"If, by stepping in, you mean he tripped and tangled himself in their legs, then yes," said Tsune. "And then he got punched in the stomach, which caused him to projectile vomit over his attackers. I had to help clear vomit from their eyes."

"Surely, it's the results that matter," said Ozpin, valiantly. "The victim was still saved. Yes, the method might be… unorthodox, but you can't argue with results."

"You can't commend someone for drink-driving and crashing their car into a serial killer."

"His heart is in the right place."

"I hope so," growled Glynda. "I'd hate to miss."

"Go for the liver," advised Tsune. "He'll be dead within the hour."

"Look," said Ozpin, sighing. "All I'm asking is that you give the young man a chance. Don't judge him by his Semblance but by his deeds." Ozpin held out his hand and smiled comfortingly. "That's all I ask. Judge the man by his deeds."

The door slammed open. "Sir, a student just tried to take a Bullhead into Vale and crashed it into the Emerald Forest."

Ozpin didn't even wince, nor did he bother to ask who was responsible. "What I'm saying is that we should judge him not by his intentions or his deeds, but by-"

"-it's started a forest fire, sir."

"…" Ozpin sighed. "Damn it, Mr Arc…"

/-/

Roman Torchwick was not unused to Neo returning at any odd hour and kicking the door to their shared apartment open. It had a handle, as most doors did, but Neo disliked normality, and she hadn't bought those funky boots of hers to not use them on unsuspecting doors, spines, or testicular sacks. What he was unused to was her singing on the way in, on account of the fact that Neo was mute and therefore could not sing.

"-seventy-six bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-six bottles of beer. You take one down, you pass it around… and now there are no bottles of beer on the wall. Hic. G-get it? Cuz I drunk the rest."

There was an almighty crash as whomever it was who had broken into his apartment hit the umbrella stand, within which was balanced both Roman and Neo's weapons, and spilled them out onto the floor. There was then another crash as the person tripped up on them and struck the floor with a cry.

Growling, Roman stalked out the kitchenette and into the hallway, ready to beat a home intruder to within an inch of their life, only to pause as he realised Neo was with the person and was in fact helping them back to their feet. The man – a boy, really – was practically clinging to his pint-sized accomplice, his arm so far over and around her shoulders that it was hanging down her other side, and one of her arms around his waist.

Neo looked up on realising he was there and smiled ferally. Her expression seemed to say: "I've found this thing and it amuses me. Can I keep it?"

"Neo, no," said Roman. "You have no idea where that's been. Put it back."

"Neo, yes!" crowed the boy, so far gone past drunk that he might as well have been dead. "And I know exactly where I've been, and that place is the gutter!" Roman believed it. "Wait – hic – where are we? N-Neo," slurred the boy. "Did y-you take me home with you?"

The girl nodded.

"Am I being taken advantage of?"

More nodding. More feral smiling.

"Huh. W-Well, at least you're honest about it. That's good. I think…?"

Roman slapped a hand against his face. "Neo, where did you find this… lush and why did you bring him back here?"

"I'm not a lush!" cried the kid, waving his good hand. "I'm a real boy!"

Neo made several excited gestures with her free hand, none of which Roman understood aside from the one where she tipped said hand to her mouth and mimed drinking. "Yes, I think I figured that much out. You reek of alcohol."

"Did someone say alcohol?" slurred the boy. He reached behind his back and brought out a full bottle of champagne. "Ta-dah!"

Roman stared.

Neo clapped her hands excitedly and pointed at Jaune's face.

Roman sighed. "Explain."

"Well, it's like this-" began the kid, not even realising Roman hadn't been talking to him. "There I was, nearly sober on a Friday night-"

"It's Thursday," interrupted Roman.

"Really? Huh. Shit. I have school tomorrow. I wonder if I'll get in trouble for that." He shrugged. "Eh, it's probably fine. A-Anyway, I was nearly sober, n-nearly dry, when Neo came up to me and told me I should have a drink with her. We gots to talking, gots to drinking, went and sang karaoke for a bit, got kicked out, started a bar fight, drove her car-"

"Neo doesn't own a car," said Roman."

"Uh. Then we stole a car." He hiccupped. "That explains all the flashing blue lights and sirens. I thought we were in a rave disco. T-Then Neo said she knew a place we could continue the party."

Roman crossed his arms. "You realise Neo can't talk, right?"

The boy blinked. "What? Pfft. Yeah, she can."

"No, she can't. Neo is mute. Show him, Neo."

Neo shrugged and started talking silently. Her mouth opened and closed, lips moving as if to say the words, but nothing came out. The drunkard watched her like a hawk, his face slack. Eventually, his eyes widened, realisation dawning. About damn tim-

"Really? That happened?"

Roman gaped.

Neo gaped, too. Then, she giggled. Again, silently.

"Neo, no," groaned Roman. "Don't encourage him."

"N-Neo says you're dumb," said the boy, pointing at Roman. Neo nodded furiously, wearing a shit-eating grin. "A-And that her singing is awesome, so don't insult her karaoke again, you..." He stared at Neo's face. "You make-up wearing, brainless neanderthal. Also, you have no soul. And you're ginger. Or does he have no soul because of his hair? Also, she says you don't respect her enough and need to buy more ice-cream."

Neo's head might as well have been a pendulum by now from how fast she was nodding. Worse, she was clinging to the boy's arm even tighter, all but confirming Roman wouldn't have any chances to get rid of him in the immediate future. She skipped down the corridor, practically carried the boy over to Roman's favourite couch and sat him down, then sat on the drunk's lap, took the bottle of champagne and uncorked it with a loud pop. She was about to neck it when the blonde's eyes widened.

"WAIT!" he cried. "STOP!"

Neo paused.

Roman froze.

The boy reached under Neo's legs to his own and into his pocket, then yanked out a second bottle of champagne and fired the cork off. Roman had to duck so as not to be hit square in the forehead with it.

"That was close. You almost started without me." He clinked the bottle against hers. "Okay, you can carry on now. Cheers!"

Grinning wildly, Neo struck back, and then the two were downing the bottles in unison, Neo bent back over his shoulder and the kid bent back over the sofa. They finished them in unison, gasped (loudly in one case, silently in another) and then threw the bottles away. Roman yelped and dove to catch them, only to watch them shatter into motes of light before they hit the floor.

He could feel a headache coming on.

"Okay, so, who are you supposed to be anyway?" he asked the boy. Neo was obviously in no mood to be cooperative and kept hanging onto his neck like she'd discovered an endless source of free drinks – which, he supposed, she had. Getting rid of the kid was going to be an absolute pain now.

"I'm a menace to society." He blinked. "Least, that's what my teacher calls me. And my teammate. And my sisters. I thought I was called Jaune, though. Huh. The more you learn." Neo was rubbing his arm sympathetically. Her lips moved, opening and closing, but no words came forth. "Awww," said the boy. "That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, Neo."

"She didn't say anything!" growled Roman.

"Is he always like this?" asked Jaune. Neo nodded sagely. "Hang on a second…" The boy squinted at Roman over Neo's multicoloured hair. "I recognise that face. Aren't… Aren't you on TV or something…?"

About time. Roman crossed his arms and flipped his bowler cap to better match his mugshot on the news. If the kid realised he was a crook, he might just be inclined to leave. "Yeah, I am." Roman grinned. "Recognise me?"

Blue eyes widened. "You're Lisa Lavender!"

Roman Torchwick had never been so offended.

Neo, on the other hand, was completely on her back on Jaune's lap, kicking her feet wildly in the air as she clutched her stomach. Her eyes were clenched shut, her mouth stretched wide open, as she laughed herself into an early grave.

"Y-You… You…" Roman's hand trembled as he imagined it around the drunk's throat. "I'm not- ugh. You… son of a bitch." He had half a mind to storm over there and strangle the kid, but for a knock at the door interrupting him. It was the perfect excuse to storm out the room and away from Neo's hilarity. "Stupid, asinine, drunken, no good, brainless-" He wrenched his front door open. "What the hell do you wa- Oh Cinder!" His tone went from low and angry to high and saccharine in an instant. "W-What a surprise it is to see you here!"

Why was Cinder Fall here? Why now? Hearing drunken laughter from the living room, Roman winced and tried to cover the doorway with his body. Cinder's eyebrow rose. "You have guests?"

"An unexpected guest. I didn't know you were coming."

Cinder shook her head. "It's fine. I don't intend to stay if I can help it." The way she said that was dismissive, as if she couldn't wait to be away from him. Bitch. "I came to tell you that our operations will face a small delay. There's been a complication."

"I'm on schedule."

"The complication is not on your end," the words were torn from her. "It's on mine."

Roman didn't poke the very obviously angry woman, even if he desperately wanted to for all the times she'd insulted him. "Noted. Anything I need to know or watch out for?"

"One thing," said Cinder. "Ozpin has a new huntsman under his control. One who is…" she grimaced, "masquerading as a student. He's good, Roman. Very good. Keep your guard up, but also keep an eye out for this person." Cinder reversed her scroll and held it out to him. He took it. "Emerald was only able to get a cursory shot, but I want you to find out who he is, what he's doing, and anything else you can. This is important."

The shot was, as Cinder said, a bit rushed. It was in a forest, in the dark, with piss poor lighting. That didn't mean he didn't recognise the guy in it.

Fuck me sideways…

"You said he's dangerous?"

"Very," said Cinder. "He was able to fight myself, Emerald and Mercury off at once, and with remarkable ease. He was close to untouchable." Cinder was scowling furiously, which might have explained why she missed the sweat running sown Roman's face in rivers. "We were lucky to escape. He let us escape. He fought us while sick and was vomiting when we made our retreat. If not for that, I dare say we'd have been killed."

"Y-Yeah…?"

"I want him found, Roman. I want to know everything there is to know about him. Strengths, weaknesses, targets, his Semblance, his background." Her eyes burned. "Everything."

"I… I'll get right on that," croaked Roman. "R… Right on it…"

"Good. Get me results, Roman. Fast."

Cinder stormed down the corridor and away, leaving Roman to quietly close his door and let out a long breath of relief. It was short-lived, very short-lived, as he heard another crash from the living room. Walking woodenly back in, he saw Neo balanced with one foot on the cushions and one foot on the backrest of the sofa, holding a metal keg in both hands and pouring beer out of it straight down into the kid's mouth, while he balanced on his knees, leaning back with his arms held out to either side. He finished the keg – an entire freaking keg – and roared eagerly, with Neo bouncing up and down in excitement before throwing the keg away. Roman ducked it, even as it faded into light behind him.

Neo then scooted down on her knees next to him and took the same position, mismatched eyes sparkling, and the kid summoned another, fumbling around above her before he got it open and began to pour.

"Neo! Neo! Neo!" chanted the boy, drunkenly. He then pointed at Roman. "Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!"

Roman sighed. "I'm too old for this shit."

/-/

Jaune Arc snaked his way into Beacon.

That was not a metaphor.

The snake was flailing desperately in an attempt to get him off, but he clung to the middle of its body with dogged determination, and the two-headed Grimm had almost tied itself into a knot to get at him. It rolled, flopped and flailed its way onto the school grounds tied into a pretzel shape, only coming to a stop when it tripped itself into the school fountain and drowned.

Jaune broke the surface of said fountain with a gasp, doggy-paddled his way to the edge and clung onto the lip of the fountain for dear life. It was then that he noticed the man in the green suit, stood expectantly while resting on his cane.

"M-Man overboard," slurred the boy.

Ozpin extended his cane and hooked it into the back of Jaune's collar, then tugged the dishevelled and soaked-through boy forward. He toppled out the fountain and fell to the floor with a wet splat. Already, students were beginning to gather, drawn by the commotion and the King Taijitu, but now staying, as Beacon's students often did, for the drama.

"Mr Arc." said Ozpin. "Would you care to explain why you are here, at midday on Friday, drunk and in the school fountain, when you were supposed to be attending lessons all morning?"

Jaune thought long and hard on the subject. "Nah," he eventually settled on. "I'm good."

"I see." It took the experience from hundreds of lifetimes for Ozpin to keep a straight face. "I'm afraid that Glynda is rather upset at you for skipping out on her lesson. I do believe you have accrued several detentions as a result. Doctor Oobleck is similarly upset."

"Is that the graverobber?"

Ozpin's lips quirked. "I believe he prefers the term archaeologist."

"They both dig up and steal people's bodies and shit. What's the difference?"

"The difference is that one digs up the dead to line their pockets, while the other does it to pay off student debt." He sighed and rolled his eyes. "What am I to do with you, Mr Arc? Are you even aware that you started a forest fire yesterday?"

"What? But I don't smoke."

"You crashed a Bullhead into the forest."

"Can't have been me," he said. "I can't pilot an aircraft."

"I expect that very fact played a large role in why you crashed, Mr Arc."

Jaune blinked. "Huh. That does make sense."

"You'll also be happy to know Miss Schnee is out the infirmary."

"That's good," slurred the boy. "I bet she's pleased."

"Not as much as you'd think. Miss Schnee was quite upset to learn you weren't in Beacon when she came off her pain medication."

"Really!?"

"Yes," said Ozpin. "Because she could not kill you."

"Awww, that's sweet," said Jaune, either missing the point or just flat-out mishearing it.

"Quite." Ozpin adjusted his glasses. "I hope you realise that any other student would be expelled for what you have gotten up to in one week alone. Now, I won't be expelling you, Mr Arc." On account of the fact the boy would be fine with that, and because Ozpin needed him if he was half as capable as he had been in saving Amber. "But I've decided to bring some help in to handle you. Glynda is at her wit's end when it comes to you. Port has given up on you. Doctor Oobleck has not, but likely will if you insinuate he's a graverobber." The man was far too proud of his qualifications. "As such, I have seen fit to take on a new teacher at Beacon, whose sole job will be to keep you in check."

In a moment of remarkable clarity – for him, anyway – Jaune said, "Isn't that a bit inefficient?"

"Why yes, yes it is. Thank you for noticing the fact." And speaking of noticing, Ozpin was beginning to notice that the water in the fountain was turning yellow, bubbling, and had a scent reminiscent of prosecco. He sighed and made a note to have it drained before the students watching ended up passed out across the lawns. "I would like to introduce you to your new private tutor. A trusted ally of mine that you've already met once before."

Jaune looked excited. "Qrow?"

"Goodness no," laughed Ozpin. The mere thought of putting Qrow in charge of Jaune was enough to give him nightmares. Forget forest fires, Beacon itself would be in flames before the day was out. "If I have it my way, you and Qrow will have restraining orders. I'm talking about Amber."

The woman stepped out from behind him with a warm smile. "Hello Jau-"

"HORSE LADY!"

Her left eye twitched. "My name is Amber, actually."

He wasn't listening. Jaune jumped up, opened his arms and ran at her for a hug. Naturally, he missed by several paces and instead ran at her horse, who took one look at the rapidly approaching human, turned and kicked back with both legs. Jaune was struck and sent flying back into the fountain, which he landed in with an almighty crash and floated, face down, in the top of.

"Well…" Ozpin picked up his cane and turned to Amber. "I'll leave him to you, Amber. Good luck." He walked away. "You'll need it."

Amber, the Fall Maiden, sighed and turned back to the fountain, moving forward to help the boy out before he drowned. She needn't have, as instead of floating face down in water he was now laid at the bottom of a very dry fountain. "Wait, where did all the-?"

Jaune burped.

"Of course." She reached in and picked him up, then carried him over to her mount and flopped him over the back. Her trusted steed turned to look at her as if to ask if he really needed to carry this drunk, and Amber chuckled and rubbed the horse's nose. "It's only into the school. We owe him for saving our lives. He's a good person. Just… misunderstood. And drunk. But mostly misunderstood."

In the time she took assuring her horse, Jaune had shifted, and slid bonelessly off the other side of the saddle and slumped to the grass in a tangle of limbs, where he began to snore. Her horse turned the other way, to look at him, and then back to Amber again. If a horse could have, it would have raised its eyebrow.

Amber sighed.

Again, don't expect regular updates by any means. This could be the last chapter for all I know. I just have periods where other things are done, and where there isn't any immediate work, and I use it to write to keep myself occupied.

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