The next couple of months were a whirlwind. Ash came to my house more often, usually just to watch TV together for a few hours until my parents were due home, and then he'd leave. It seemed like I was hiding him from them, and in a way I was, because my parents had already started to suspect I wasn't straight, and I didn't want to add fuel to that fire. We'd sneak out a couple of nights a week to ride around in Drew's car, singing along to stupid pop songs I didn't think I'd like. I didn't tell Chloe, because I didn't think she'd approve.

We'd go to the park, go bowling, and to the cinema. It seemed like I spent all of my free time with Ash, and a lot of it with Dawn and Chloe, who started officially dating midway through December, though it was our secret, because Chloe didn't want the rest of the school to know yet. That meant that even in a group setting, it was usually me and Ash stuck with one another, but that was okay, because I was quickly realising that this was my best friend. This was like the one person that was made for me. He was the missing puzzle piece in my life, and that's why he fit so quickly and perfectly into it, when I'd thought there was no space for him.

Then, one day when we were sitting in my bedroom after school right before Christmas break, I heard the door unlock and open downstairs. I froze up, and Ash looked sideways at me, sensing my sudden tenseness. We were lying together in bed, so I quickly sat up, in case whichever of my parents had come back early came up to see me. Ash followed my move, sitting up.

"Is that your parents?" He asked, unbothered. I nodded, already standing to go downstairs. Maybe I could get Ash out without them noticing?

When I reached the door, I heard footsteps on the stairs, and sucked in a deep breath. I opened the door, and my dad was there, home early from work, looking tired.

"Hey Goh," he said, smiling. "You good?"

"Hey dad. I'm fine," I answered, standing in the doorway. I was hoping he wouldn't look past me, but then I saw his eyes flick over my shoulder, to where Ash was sitting on the edge of my bed awkwardly. His eyebrows raised in surprise, just for a second.

"Oh, you have a friend over," he said. "I didn't realise."

Ash came to stand behind me, and I stepped out of the way, knowing it was better to get the awkward encounter out of the way. Ash smiled, in his usual charming way. "I'm Ash. It's nice to meet you, sir."

I almost laughed. I wasn't used to hearing him sound so formal. My dad seemed charmed, though, and just nodded once. "Nice to meet you too. Walker." He actually stuck his hand out and shook Ash's. I was mortified, but neither of them seemed bothered at all. "Well, I'll leave you two alone."

He disappeared back down the stairs. I shut the door again and shivered. I wanted to quickly forget that encounter. I just prayed that he wouldn't question me about Ash later. Ash was frowning when I turned back to him. "Do you want me to go?"

I shook my head. "No, it's okay. He doesn't care that you're here, I promise." I was nervous about my mom coming home soon too, but now that he'd met my dad, a weight had lifted slightly off my shoulders anyway.

"Okay," he said, and went right back to the bed, where the paused TV show waited. I climbed back on beside him, and pressed play.

— — — —

I wanted to see Ash on Christmas, but I had only been friends with him for a few months, and I didn't want to ask him to take away some of the time with his family to see me. We'd seen each other a few times over Christmas break, and on the last time, we'd exchanged gifts. I worried he'd think mine was lame. I got us matching leather woven bands for our wrists. His was navy blue, and mine was dark red. I hadn't thought that he might find it weird until after I gave it to him, and on Christmas day I cringed thinking about him opening it, and wondering why I would get us a matching present already.

When I opened his gift, he'd made a mixtape for me, and bought me a book I'd been talking about a month before. I opened it alone in my room after everyone had gone to bed, because I didn't want anyone to see he'd gotten me anything, and had hidden it under my bed. I bit my lip, staring at the cover of the novel, my heart smashing into my ribs. It was a romance novel about two guys. I had only briefly mentioned thinking about reading it. I hadn't even thought Ash was listening at the time. Did this mean anything? Was I thinking into something that was nothing? I wasn't sure, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I didn't see Ash again until we went back to school, because he was in his old town to see his family. When I spotted him in the hallway, the first thing I noticed was that he was wearing the bracelet, and I watched him look immediately to see if I was wearing mine, which I was. His face lit up, and beside him Dawn noticed, and her eyes narrowed ever so slightly, like she was trying to figure something out. I think that may have been the start of her suspicions, which bloomed over the next few months, but I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, we were just best friends. He probably still considered Dawn his best friend, and Chloe was still mine, really. He was just edging his way up there, bit by bit.

— — — —

In January, they announced a residential trip for the school at the end of the month. We were going across the country, to a huge theme park, for two nights. If I hadn't met Ash, I'd dread it, but I was actually excited. I told my mom the same night, and had her sign the letter giving me permission to go. I was pretty terrified of rollercoasters, and I already knew Ash was the kind of person that would love them, but that didn't bother me. I was quite happy to watch him.

A couple weeks before the trip, we were handed slips of paper, and had to write who we wanted to share a room with and hand it to the professor. We weren't allowed to stay in a room with the opposite sex. I stole a glance at Ash, but he was already writing a name, so I looked down and wrote his name, quickly and messily, and folded it up. I wasn't sure why we weren't supposed to show each other. I suppose it was probably so people didn't argue about who they were going to share with, when there were certain friendship groups it might cause rifts in.

That night, texting Ash, he randomly said: I wrote your name, btw.

I grinned at the screen, feeling a warmth spread into my heart. I wrote yours, too. I felt electric. I knew we weren't flirting, and nothing we'd said had come close yet, but I enjoyed texting him so much it made me giddy. It was embarrassing, but I didn't even care. I wanted to spend every second talking to him. Even an hour without it made me miss him.

I was more excited for that trip than anything. I remember constantly talking about it, and how much fun we were going to have. Ash was raving about how much he was looking forward to going on the rides with me, so I hid my fear of rollercoasters, and figured I'd work on that on the day.

When the day came, we sat next to each other on the coach. I'd brought a pair of earphones, and gave Ash one ear, so we could listen to the same song. We pretty much ignored everyone else on the coach, and just talked quietly about the music, taking turns picking a song to show each other, our hands touching subtly between us on the chair. Our shoulders brushed together, and I was burning up.

When we arrived it was early afternoon, and we were given two hours of free time before we had to meet again for dinner. Ash immediately dragged us all in the direction of the biggest ride. Terror gripped me, and I knew Chloe could tell, but I hid it well. The line was surprisingly not that long, and soon we were in the car, a metal bar being shoved against my chest to keep me inside. Ash shot me a look from beside me, making sure I was okay, so I gave him a reassuring smile, even though I felt like I was going to throw up.

I held my nerve, and didn't scream, even when we were spinning, or flying upside down, or shooting down a slope so fast it felt like my stomach was left behind. After the ride I was dizzy, and Ash let me lean against him until I was on the ground again and away from the ride. He was laughing, talking about how terrified I looked, but I was proud of myself for doing it.

Dawn wanted to go on a water ride, and that was more my thing, so we went, and ended up soaking. I laughed at Ash, and the way his hair stuck to his forehead. He groaned, and tried to fix it, but I thought he looked nice like that, anyway. We only had half an hour left, so we went to the arcade and Ash tried, and failed, to win a bear out of a claw machine that Dawn wanted. After his fifth try I pushed him out of the way and won on the first try, getting the exact one she wanted. She threw her arms around my neck and hugged me, and I felt myself blush all over. I was still getting used to hugging people. Ash had started to make a habit of putting his arm around my shoulders playfully, but I still wasn't used to it.

After dinner, we went back to our rooms. I unpacked my suitcase, but Ash didn't bother, saying it was a waste of time when he could just grab his things out of it when he needed them. I rolled my eyes, but it didn't surprise me. Our beds were across the room from each other's, but the thought of sleeping in the same room as him was still making me nervous.

We were allowed into each other's rooms until ten, and Gary had asked us to go to his room, so once I'd unpacked we headed down the corridor to the room he was sharing with Drew. I expected it to just be them, but when Ash opened the door there were already at least eight people. Gary was chatting to Misty. Dawn and Chloe were sitting together, clutching hot chocolates in paper cups they must have gotten from the lobby. Drew and his girlfriend May were giggling in a corner. Iris and Serena were sitting in the centre of the room as we entered, looking at something on Serena's phone. They all looked up as we entered, smiling. I was overwhelmed for a second, by the fact that I was hanging around with so many people that I'd gone to school with for years, but never bothered with.

"Yo, Goh," Gary called, waving me over. I wandered over, somewhat reluctantly. Misty was watching me. Her gaze made me nervous. "I was just telling Misty how you read a lot. She does too," he said. I raised my eyebrows. I wasn't sure why Gary was trying to set Misty and I up as friends.

"Oh, nice," I said, sitting cross-legged beside them. We had a conversation about Misty's favourite author, who I'd also read a few books by, and then argued about whether or not a certain book was good, while Gary watched, smirking for some reason. After a while he stood, and told everyone to gather in a circle in the centre of the room.

We all sat in front of the beds. Ash came to sit beside me, and I warmed at the feeling of his knee brushing against mine. He nudged me gently, and I looked down at his hand, the matching band still around his wrist, to see he was offering me candy. I shook my head but smiled back at him.

"What now?" Iris asked, crossing her arms. I got the sense I was not going to like what was coming.

"Truth or dare, obviously."

I groaned. Beside me, Ash was frowning, like he wasn't impressed either. I'd gotten close enough to Gary to know he wouldn't take no for an answer, though. I don't think we really had a choice. I figured I'd just say truth and tell a lie if I really needed to.

"So, Iris, truth or dare?" Gary asked.

"Dare," she said, without hesitation.

"I dare you to run down the corridor and knock on one of the professor's doors, then run back."

"You're such a child," Misty said, rolling her eyes. Gary scoffed, looking offended.

"Um, yeah, we're fifteen, idiot," he countered.

"Fifteen is not a child, idiot."

"Alright, miss maturity," Gary mocked, twisting his face at her. She looked like she genuinely might swing for him at any second. I watched in awe, realising how much tension there was between them, but also how much chemistry. Did they even realise it? It felt like watching two people flirt, even though they weren't.

Iris was already leaving the room, and neither of them had even noticed. She returned not a minute later, out of breath and shaking her head. "I think they almost saw me."

A few rounds passed, but the worst that anyone did was Gary running up the corridor with no shirt on. Everyone was playing pretty fair, and I relaxed, thinking it would stay that way. It did, until it was Serena's turn, and it was Drew asking her. She picked dare, and Drew dared her to kiss someone. My stomach flipped, and I looked straight at her, but I already knew she was going to pick Ash, and I should have looked away but I didn't. I watched her crawl over to us, but she didn't give me a single glance. Her eyes were locked on Ash's, and his were locked onto her. His expression didn't give away much, but he closed his eyes as her lips touched his. I swallowed hard, blowing a breath out through my nose, trying to hide my jealousy.

When it got to Misty, Gary asked her, and she said dare, too. Gary dared her to kiss me, and it clicked in my mind that he had been trying to actually set us up earlier. I liked Misty, and we did seem to have a lot in common, but for obvious reasons I was not into her. I started to think he really was just clueless about his own chemistry with her. Misty kissed me, a brief peck of our lips together, then went back to sitting across the circle from me, avoiding eye contact. I avoided looking at Ash.

"Truth or dare?" Serena asked me.

"Truth," I said. I hoped everyone else didn't think that was lame. I didn't want to get asked to kiss someone too.

"Do you have a crush on someone here?" She asked. My breath caught in my throat. Lie, I thought. Lie. They'll never know.

"Maybe," I said, stupidly. Everyone looked surprised, which was kinda offensive. Was it so surprising? Gary was grinning across at me, wiggling his eyebrows, likely thinking it was Misty. I wanted to trust them all enough to tell them I was gay, but I didn't. I didn't want to tell a soul.

"Yes or no," Drew nudged me.

"Fine, yes," I said. My heart was pounding against my ribs. I was terrified that someone would figure it out somehow, but none of them seemed to suspect a thing.

After a few more rounds the professor came to knock on the door, telling us to go back to our own rooms, despite it only being nine. Ash and I walked back to our room silently. I was praying he wouldn't question me about the game, but I really wanted to ask him about Serena, so once we were lying in our beds, I turned on my side to look at him, and asked.

"So, what do you think about Serena?" I asked.

He pressed his lips together, staring up at the ceiling, his hands behind his head on the pillow. "Hmm. I'm not sure."

The answer confused me even more. "Is there someone back home?" I asked. "That you like?"

He didn't answer. He rolled over to face me, too. "Never mind about me. Who is it?"

He'd dodged my question, and it hadn't gone unnoticed. He was redirecting, and now the question I'd dreaded was thrown my way. If I didn't answer him, he might grow suspicious. I swallowed. "No one. I just said that to wind everyone up," I lied.

Ash furrowed his brows. I didn't like the way he was looking at me. It was making butterflies fill my stomach. "Okay. Well, what about Misty?"

"What about her?"

"I think Gary's trying to wingman you."

I frowned. "Yeah. Don't you think the two of them would be better together?"

"Gary and Misty?" He hummed, looking up again like he was thinking about it. "I can kinda see it, yeah."

I was grateful when he changed the subject. I wanted to ask him that question again, but I didn't want him to think I was being weird, so I kept it to myself. I couldn't take the not-knowing, though, and when Ash fell asleep a while later, his breathing going shallow, his face half-buried into his pillow, I lay awake, thinking.

I felt guilty about my feelings. Ash was being such a good friend to me, and I felt I was betraying him by being jealous, and not happy for him when he kissed Serena. I wanted to be strong enough to put my crush to the side for him, but I wasn't. He was consuming me, and every day it grew deeper. I felt weird for wanting to kiss him, just to know what it felt like. I felt like I was going insane. There were good moments, where just being friends didn't matter to me. It was enough, in those moments, that we were together, having fun. Then there were the moments where the pain of keeping my feelings to myself physically hurt, and I wanted to get away from him. I wanted, even that early on, for it to be me and him, forever, whether that was as friends, or something more.

In the end, I got neither.

— — — —

The next day was our only full day at the park. I wish there was something interesting I could talk about, but there isn't. Mostly I just followed Ash, Chloe, Dawn and Gary around. Serena tagged along for a while, but was quickly dragged away again by Misty and Iris. Drew spent the day with May.

That night, we gathered in Gary's room again. Gary taught me the rules to a number of card games that I'd never heard of, and I ended up winning most of the games we played after that. He gradually huffed over his losses until he threw in the towel, and suggested we all watch a movie. There was a TV in the room, but it wasn't very big. Still, we sat, either on the edge of the beds or on the carpet in front of them, watching Madagascar, because they only had animated kids movies. Ash fell asleep with his head resting on my shoulder halfway through, and I didn't move an inch for the whole second half, even when all of my limbs went dead. I was glad the lights were off, and nobody seemed to notice. When he woke up he didn't seem embarrassed, and I just laughed. We went back to our room, and Ash wanted to watch another movie, just me and him, despite the fact he was clearly exhausted.

Our room was set up a little different, and the beds were closer to the TV. I let him pick the movie, and I thought we'd sit in our own beds, watching it. I watched Ash looking through the movies and picking one, then inserting the disk, and grabbing the TV remote.

But instead of going to his bed, he came over to mine. He got in beside me, on the single bed, pulling his knees up to his chest. My eyes were wide, blinking at him, but he didn't seem to notice. He was too busy navigating the movie's menu on the TV. I didn't dare question it, in case he moved. I didn't want him to move. Being close to him made me feel electric.

I pulled the covers up over us, because it was cold. I didn't speak, and pretended I was focused on the movie, but really I was focused on Ash, and how close he was, and the warmth of his body beside mine. I couldn't stop thinking about how I should make a move, just to see how he'd react. Our hands were just inches apart. I could reach out and grab his, and watch his reaction. But I was terrified, and I couldn't make myself do it. No matter how many times I tried to psych myself up, it didn't work. I was too scared of rejection, and too sure I had no chance.

Somehow, even though I felt awake at the start, I must have fallen asleep during the movie. I woke up in the dark, confused for a moment, feeling around for my phone. When I found it, it told me it was two in the morning. Ash had moved back over to his own bed and was sleeping, snoring lightly into his pillow again. He had pulled the covers right up over my shoulders when he left. I lay awake in the dark for a while, staring at the ceiling. I was thinking about Ash, but also about Gary, and Dawn, and all the others. I was realising that I'd been wrong my whole life. Being alone wasn't the best way to live, and it had definitely never been enough. The whole time, I'd been missing out on so much, just because I was scared to let it in. Ash was teaching me how to trust new people, and the value of new friendship, when it's with the right person. I promised myself that I would hold on tight to that, but when it came down to it, I couldn't. It wasn't enough, and I ended up alone again.