Author`s Note: Me and my sister wrote this together after playing with the idea of the Harry Potter characters as teenagers for a long time. Of course now that the fifth book is out it`s common knowledge that Harry has indeed become a teenager, and as scary as it is our jokes are slowly becoming reality. Keep in mind that this story comes from the points of view of authors who have only seen the moves and read a few of the books. Some characters, like Snape, are presented as being more like they are in the movie, and some the other way around. We don`t know anything about the story past the ending events of Chamber of Secrets, so excuse us for unaccuracy.

Disclaimer: We don`t own Harry Potter by J.K.Rowling, Fast Times at Ridgemont High or any other movies parodied in this story. Our original characters include Professor Linus, Walter Birdman, Cynthia Warbeck, Violet Cadsbury, Professor Alchore, Tomas Raywing, and Stoker Lebane. You may use them if you add a disclaimer crediting this story.


For not the first time in the history of his attendance at Hogwarts, Ronald Weasley sat at the table for breakfast and immediately found himself bombarded with questions by other students. In addition to being arachnophobic and a strangely selective eater among having other quirky characteristics, Ron happened to be an insomniac. This meant he would often be awake much earlier than his friends and would drag himself into the dining hall especially early, always managing to do so in his signature manner that was incredibly dorky.

Unfortunately there were always just enough students up that early to give him plenty of attention while he sat to stuff his face with pancakes. They were practically the paparazzi of the school, because whatever Ron told them would be all over the school by the afternoon. But was it *his* personal life they wanted the dirty details about?

"Do you shave before or after brushing your teeth, Ron?"

Yeah, right.

"Where`s H&H?" asked a girl named Violet as she casually helped herself to one of the sausage patties on Ron`s plate.

"Catching up on their beauty sleep," he answered tiredly. "God forbid they stop being the 'cute couple'."

The surrounding croud of ten or so teenagers laughed.

"Well, they are cute," said one kid, who was unbeautifully talking with a lot of pancake in his mouth. "But I don`t think there`s anything that would change them being the most talked-about couple, even if they were the ugliest kids in school. And I for one would say they are definitely not. At least not Granger . . ." He uttered this not-quite- perverted comment in such a perverted way that Ron was forced to twist his face in disgust and kick him from under the table.

"Well, he`s right," said someone else. "No matter what they do they`ll always be immortally popular. Well, maybe unless they break up."

"But why?" Ron asked. "I know it`s Harry Potter, but nobody talked about him this much before he was attached."

"It`s cause nobody gets it," said Violet. "Harry has grown up into a total stud. And on top of that he`s famous. He could have any girl in the whole school, but he picked one of his friends."

"So? Hermione`s cool."

"Yeah, sure. For a friend," said the guy sitting on Ron`s left. "Hermione`s attractive in a cute and nerdy way. Guys want to watch girls like her get better grades than them and go up on stage to accept awards in cute thigh-high tights. They want to *be* with girls like . . . Lucy Parker, for example."

"Apparently not Harry," Ron said. "He thinks Hermione`s totally hot. You should hear him talk about her."

"What does he say?" demanded about five people at the same time.

"Well . . . he thinks it`s good that they`re both Gryffindors and all, so they`re compatible that way. In fact, he can`t imagine dating outside of his own house and doesn`t understand how kids do that. He likes how Hermione`s cool under pressure and stuff. And she`s smart and crafty and recourceful. I think his exact words were, 'She`s basically a typical hot and kick-ass action movie heroine except without the skin-tight leather and martial arts.' I would agree except..."

Ron stopped when he noticed the sound of a pencil scratching on paper, and saw that Roger Harrison was writing as he listened to him.

"Why the hell are you writing this down?"

"For the school newspaper," said Roger.

"We have a school newspaper?"

"Yeah. This week we`re doing an article on school couples. We already got a picture of Harry and Hermione for the Gryffindor page. They`re hot material since Harry`s parents also met at Hogwarts. And because, well . . . fuck, `cause he`s Harry Potter."

"Hey," said Violet. "You should include a page where you list all the former students at Hogwarts who have been married."

"That`s a great idea. That way some of the younger students who don`t date and therefore wouldn`t give a shit about the article can wet their pants when they see their parents` names in it."

"Good morning," said a familiar spunky voice behind them.

"Shit," Ron said, turning. "Good morning, Hermione. These people were just leaving. Honestly, Violet, leave some food for me," he directed at the witch who was still persistently picking off of his plate.

Hermione looked tired, yet polite, when three kids chorused, "Where's Harry?"

Before she could answer Harry stumbled through the massive entrance to the hall, still in his plaid pajamas. He changed into his robes after breakfast quite often, and though some wondered if there was a rule against this, they knew that Harry could get away with it.

Harry had had a sudden growth spurt by the end of his third year at Hogwarts, and was now taller than both Hermione and Ron. His posture, which in the morning was evidently the most sluggish, saved him from standing out too much. He was now yawning, seemingly oblivious to everything else, and was seating himself in-between Hermione and Ron.

Harry grabbed the last of Ron's breakfast and then finally said, "Good morning."

"You look so tired," Hermione said. "Quidditch practice wearing you out?"

Harry replied by turning and hugging Hermione's waist and burying his head into her shoulder, slowly chewing the last of Ron's pancake.

Ron stared at his empty plate.

"Say, Harry...," Ron asked, "Did you know we have a school newspaper?"

" 'Course I do," Harry muttered with his head still rested on Hermione. "I'm the editor."

Roger gulped.

The group munched in silence for a few minutes, until a finger pointed and comically emphasized Harry and Hermione, and Harry heard a clearing of the throat behind him. He looked up. "Oh...Sorry."

"I warned you about PDA, Potter," Snape droned in a tone that seemed to be asking Harry to reduce his need to do any actual work this early in the morning, i.e. scold him.

"I see," Harry folded his arms on the table and used them as a pillow instead. As soon as Snape went on to the Slytherin table, Violet rolled her eyes.

"Why is he such a tight-ass?" she exclaimed.

"Shut up," was all Harry managed as an argument.

Violet looked confused, and Hermione said, "Snape looks out for everybody, not just his house. He's one of the only teachers around here who actually has a clue."

"I think he just pretends to really dislike me," Harry mumbled, his face still buried in the tabletop, "so as not to betray his lifelong hatred for my dad. And he comes down hard on kids from other houses, but he`s actually even worse about punishing his own kids."

"The wanker gave me a three-hour detention for smoking in the bathroom!" some idiot put in. "Three HOURS? For smoking? What was he doing in our bathroom anyway?"

"Exactly," Violet said.

The boy was defeated.

Ron said, "Still, I don't know why he always has to pick on Harry. It's not like they were making out. I mean if I was to..." Ron stood up and walked over to Hermione, "give Hermione a nice good-morning hug..." He obnoxiously threw his arms around Hermione's shoulders and she started giggling, "I don't think Snape would mind. Would you, Harry?"




" 'F'!!! 'F'!!! Another 'F'! Are you kids on DOPE?"

The new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had yet to secretly be murderous, fraudulent, or any dangerous creature, but as far as the children at Hogwarts were concerned, he was just as bad. Professer Linus was tall and thin with slickly greased-back black hair, dangerous eyebrows, and a small and pointy goatee. He always wore a slender suit with extremely long tails and strangely-shaped lepels, and very shiny shoes that made loud clicks with his every step. He had an oozing voice which failed to make Defense class interesting and a precise hand for writing notes on a chalkboard faster than any of his students could write. He also had a keen nose for sniffing out snacks being snuck in class and would constantly read people`s private notes out loud if he caught them being passed. In other words, he was the devil.

"Did ANY of you STUDY!?" he continued passing out papers. "Sarah Doorwick, 'F'! Gretch Lundeman, 'F'! Ron Weasley, 'F'! Harry Potter...!!!"

He paused in front of the desk that held an almost sleeping Harry, ready to pounce on his currently slacker-looking exterior, then re-checked his paper, and regretfully muttered,"'A'."

A few grumbles were heard about the classroom, then he continued passing out the papers in silence.

"Harry..." Ron whispered from the desk behind his drowsy friend. He got no answer.


This time Harry jumped, stunned out of his sleepiness, and turned around.

"Page 241."

Harry blinked, and then looked around to see everyone else delving into their leatherbound textbooks. "Oh." Then he noticed the paper sitting on his desk.

"Ron, look," he turned around and happily showed his friend the perfect test. "What did you get?"

Ron rolled his eyes.