Who let the Dad out, woof! Woof!

Set after Harry is brought to Grimmauld place in OOTP, betas GardenGirl, DianaAnne and TomHRichardson, many thanks!

The usual disclaimer is on my profile which satisfies legal requirements. If I made money out of the amount I've written in the HP universe, I'd be retired in warmer climes, with a staff of decorative young men, and a yacht acquired from those confiscated from Russian oligarchs. Since all of these matters lie purely in my dreams, I am, alas, still but a struggling author of historical novels.

Chapter 1

Harry listened to Molly Weasley ranting at Sirius.

"Sirius," he said, conversationally, "Who owns this house?"

"I do," said Sirius.

"Not Mrs. Weasley?"

"No. I'm sure she means well..."

"But you own the house."

"Yes."

"And do people customarily take orders from other people in their own house?"

"No."

"Harry Potter!" The Weasley matriarch was strident. "I didn't raise you to..."

Harry cast a silencing charm.

"Stop right there, Mrs. Weasley," he said. "The first four words are the only relevant ones. You Didn't Raise Me. You are not my mother. You have permitted me to stay with you for a short while, and bullied me into buying what you wanted. I'm not going to clean house the muggle way for you, I'm going to use magic because this is a wizarding house, and so it's not on the trace. And I believe I am Sirius's heir?"

"You are, you're my blood-adopted son," said Sirius.

"Great! Well, dad, I'm going to do what any other teenager does in his own house in the holidays and wander around in my underpants, like Dudley used to where I was raised. And if anyone doesn't like it, they can go home."

"Hey, great idea!" said Sirius. "And we can scratch our balls and fart to our hearts' content in Our Own Home."

Ron got red in the face.

"Don't you talk to my mum like that, Potter!"

"Only when she stops talking to my Dad like he's a retarded three-year-old in wet diapers," said Harry, loudly enough. "Dad, you won't make me share a room with this snoring menace, will you?"

"Of course not, you'll sleep in the heir's room, which is, of course, warded."

"Thanks, Dad," said Harry.

It did not feel natural calling Sirius 'Dad' but it was a point which had to be made.

"I don't want you to walk around in front of me in your underwear," said Hermione.

"Go home then; I didn't invite you," said Harry. "I don't want to share my house with people who can't be bothered to write to me."

"I wasn't given a choice," said Hermione. "I was kidnapped and brought here."

"Then I suggest Lupin should take you home and apologise, and you should file charges with the DMLE over those who kidnapped you," said Harry.

"There was no intent to kidnap," said Arthur. "We just went and collected her, as Dumbledore ordered."

"You mean her parents agreed when you asked them?" asked Harry.

"Oh, I just told them how it was going to be," said Arthur.

"So you are as arrogant and rude as your wife, as all pure-bloods seem to be?" said Harry. "Well, muggles have etiquette, and manners, and I think if you want to be a muggle expert, you should learn a few manners, Mr. Weasley, or you will never understand how it works in a world of grown-ups. You and your wife are acting like spoilt brats, and I won't have it in my father's house."

Molly had thrown off the silence.

"He's only your godfather, Harry, and he hasn't been here for you like I have..."

"Excuse me? Where were you when Petunia hit me on the head with the frying pan? Did you help me to see an optician to have glasses which aren't out of a charity bin? Did you stop Vernon leaving scars on my back, or give me water to drink when I was shut out to do the gardening on scorching hot days? Did you give me murtlap essence for the chemical burns from the cleaning fluids I was forced to use? Did you heal my leg when Marge the Barge's dog bit me? I don't think you were there for me on any of those occasions and before you go off on one, I want you to reflect that Sirius has not been there because you all were ready to believe him so guilty you were happy for him not to have a trial. My father's brother in all but name. My SWORN godfather. A respected auror and hitwizard. But you all nodded your heads wisely and said 'he's a Black, and blood will tell. Well, I'm a Black too, and the lot of you can get out of this house. Kreacher!"

The elf appeared.

"What does miserable half-blood excuse for an heir to his horrible master want?"

"I want you to act like a proper elf of the House of Black and see that all these damned Weasleys are packed and ready to leave in an hour, and if they don't, Sirius will be readjusting the wards to evict them."

"Harrykins..."

"You don't want to evict us..."

"Surely?"

Harry regarded the twins coldly.

"You've been sniping at my father for not being active in the war. So yes. And don't call me Shirley."

Molly Weasley, Ginny, and Ron went off on a rant, and were consequently very surprised to find themselves in the street outside a house they could not see, in their underwear, after having been squeezed through the wards, and consequently knowing how it felt to be a tube of toothpaste stood on in the middle.

Arthur and the twins exited more conventionally with their luggage. Lupin took Hermione back to her parents, with an invitation for them to join her in Lord Black's house to plot against arrogant purebloods.

Dan and Emma Granger were more interested in getting help to emigrate, with their daughter, to Australia, and resume her education in a magical school there, and Lupin promised to help.

Meanwhile, Sirius set the wards to exclude everyone but those named by him.

"Sirius... Dad..." said Harry, "How rich is the House of Black compared to Malfoy?"

"We could buy him out a dozen times over. Why?" said Sirius.

"Well, if Lucius could buy his way out of Azhkaban by bribing Fudge, why don't you buy yourself out of a kiss on sight, demand a private hearing with veritaserum, and buy me off the hearing for underage magic?" said Harry.

"Because I have more integrity?" said Sirius.

Harry snorted.

"Since when has integrity ever got anything to work in the wizarding world?" he said. "I told people I had not entered the Triwizard, and they still made me compete. We told Fudge you were innocent, but he didn't want to believe it. I cast my patronus to save my cousin. But do they care? If Kreacher looked as if he was the elf of a noble and ancient family instead of the fleabitten chew-toy of Malfoy's favourite turd, he could take money to Fudge, enough to get him interested in listening."

"Actually, it's brilliant," said Sirius. "You hear that, Kreacher?"

"Kreacher will bargain with bad master," said Kreacher.

"We're listening," said Harry, before Sirius could shout.

"Master Regulus died trying to prevent the dark lord coming back," said Kreacher, wringing his long, skinny fingers. He was addressing Harry. "He told Kreacher to destroy... it. But Kreacher cannot."

"Show me," commanded Sirius.

"Master Regulus said I must not tell other Blacks, but half-breed master I can tell," said Kreacher.

He fetched the locket, and Sirius took it down to a basement. He cast several spells.

"A horcrux," he said. "I can 't open it."

"I wonder if it's as simple as Tolkein's dwarfen gate, speak, friend, and open?" said Harry. "The chamber opened to me saying sssssopensssss"

The locket popped open. It started using Walburga's voice to insult Sirius.

Sirius cast fiendfyre, this room being warded to control it, and soon the thin, despairing wail showed that the horcrux was dead.

"It's like his diary that I killed with a basilisk tooth," said Harry, as Kreacher capered, and even hugged both humans.

"Kreacher is free! Kreacher need not hate everyone any more! Kreacher can clean and not feel depressed!" he cackled. "Kreacher will clean house."

"Would you like help? I'm sure Dobby would help," said Harry. "And... and poor Winky, who did not want to be free and has no family."

"Tell me about the diary," said Sirius, when Kreacher had reluctantly agreed that help would be nice, and Dobby and Winky had firmly bonded with Harry.

Harry told him.

"Shit!" said Sirius. "Well, if he made two, I wager he made more. It would explain why he's half bat-shit crazy."

"Master Harry's head feels like the locket," said Kreacher. "Headmaster Phineas Nigellus complains that Headmaster Whiskers should not use a boy of Black blood as a sacrifice."

Sirius and Harry exchanged looks.

At that moment, Lupin returned.

"I'm helping the Grangers leave the country," he said. "But you'll have to let the headmaster back at some point, Sirius, and I suppose it is a good place to have meetings."

"Wrong, Remus; if you'll follow a man who meant your pup to die, you're no pack of mine," said Sirius.

"What do you mean?"

"Horcruces, Moony; and Harry's one, and Dumbledore means to have it destroyed by letting Voldemort kill him," said Sirius, grimly.

The wolf knew more swear words than Harry had believed possible.

"Well, if you're pack, Moony, you are steward to Lord Black, and you will get money and bloody well dress like it," said Sirius. "I'm going to bribe myself a hearing, and buy Harry off that stupid charge of underage magic, as he's emancipated by my say-so. Therefore, no case to answer. And Lucius becomes a secondary contributor to Fudge."

"You're going to sink to their games?" gasped Lupin.

"When the only game in town is craps, I'd be a fool to play whist," said Sirius.

...

It did not take long for Lord Black to be a free man, and Fudge's new best buddy, and for Fudge to be subject to a will-weakening potion that made him sign off on increasing the auror budget, in case the fanatics who fooled 'poor Harry' into thinking Voldemort was resurrected carried on with their new figurehead in the same old way.

And Sirius, barbered, dressed immaculately, pure-blood lord, might go anywhere he wanted. Not that he had yet told Albus Dumbledore this. And that was a prank on the man. As Harry's sworn godfather, blood-adopted father, and richer than Croesus, the paperwork to emancipate Harry by his rightful guardian went like a dream. The underage magic hearing disappeared, and if Umbridge hated Sirius for having a werewolf steward, she would not go against Fudge too openly.

A fig to the reviewer who threw a hissy fit and blocked me because [a] teenagers don't usually go for politically correct language when irritated and the word 'retarded' though horrible was part of 1980s/90s teenage slang; and suffering from mental illness as I do, I don't feel like being patronised by someone who chooses to be feeble-minded[b] I am dyslexic and can't spell Azkaban [it looks as if it ought to have an h in it] and [c] is an ignorant fool and knows no Latin to realise that the correct plural of horcrux is horcruces, as executrix is executrices, and index is indices. Pepperonyfan 1982, you suck even at being obnoxious. Anyone who condemns and then blocks thus denying right of reply is low enough to shimmy under a shut door without having their hat knocked off, and fail to reach slimy on the evolutionary scale. If you can be offended by a word commonly used in that era, believe me, I can go so far beyond offensive if I put my mind to it. I would have answered each point had you not blocked me, and debated with you. But as it is, you have merely mildly irritated me, you facile, inane, pusillanimous,insignificant little person with delusions of sentience.

I so hope someone tells you I wrote this so I can offend you some more.

Thanks to ymaxwell39 who had experiences similar to my own at school and was kind enough to be open about that in review. Kids are little shits and teachers too often want to take the easiest path. I appreciate the of us who have lived with hard words aren't stupid enough to get worked up about them.

New Omake from guest Kai, and though Arthur Weasley means well, it is something he should hear:

Kai:OMAKE:

"You know, Mr. Weasley, you're worse than death eaters. They never pretend to be anything but monsters. You see them, you know you'll suffer.

"You, however, wrote and had made into law special muggle protection. And yet, as soon as those muggle protection laws are inconveniencing your dark lord, he orders you to ignore and break them, and like a good little slave, you turn off brain and conscience and do his bidding. You just enter a muggle dwelling without being invited and kidnap their muggleborn teenage daughter. When they object you play the 'I'm a mighty wizard, you're nothing but useless muggles and I'll do with your teenaged daughter whatever I want!' card.

"Perhaps I should have Hermione checked for sexual activity and obliviations. Who knows what you really did to her. Or I would check if the Granger parents are still alive and that you did not force Mr. Granger to disembowel his wife under the Imperius and torture him to death with the Cruciatus afterwards, because it's so funny when they scream. Or perhaps check muggle files if Hermione had a younger sister that conveniently no one remembers after you have r*** her to death in front of her family. You obliviating them with the same disregard for their rights as you kidnapped their child wouldn't surprise me. At all.

"You are nothing but a power hungry, lying hypocrite. Just like your dark lord Dumbledore."

Thanks, Kai!