I'm getting a cold and I'm shivering

Yea, I'm all alone but I'm not afraid

It's been dark few days in New York with the rain pouring down the busy, bleary streets of the city. People bustling up and down the block, trying to get the groceries and other knickknacks for their families or just themselves. The birds taking up the ledges and hiding under rooftop drains and wherever else they could fit, all looking sad and bundled in their own feathers to keep the meager warmth close to their body. Even stray animals seemed to hide away from the gloom and dreary days.

Just one lonely person chose to walk the sidewalk at that moment. He was dressed up in a casual business attire that still didn't cover his shaking body against gust of winds. The coat was barely enough for a dry day at this point, but add the downpour of the ruthless raindrops pelting against that wool layer and it was a sentence of doom.

He was walking for hours in this rough weather as if he wasn't soaked all the way through the few layers he had put on what felt days ago.

And he was all alone in the darkness that slowly crept up on him as he was walking for hours and hours. It was just one of those days he felt some strong set of emotions that were hard to put away and lock in that little black box of all the unwanted emotions he didn't know what to do.

A little less talking please

I got a destructive mind

So difficult when you're not around

He'd cried for hours but thanks to the rain they got lost in the general amount of water sliding down his face and soaking deeply through his dress shirt collar and seeped deeper into his coat collar. He ditched the attempt of putting the coat collar up to shield from the wind like half a day ago.

It wasn't great that even crime was hiding from the bad weather this time. There was no case to solve and no paperwork to be filled so Gill had called very early in the morning to tell him he could stay in unless something came up.

And good so, Malcolm wasn't in the mood for anything anyway. Which was weird but not unusual.

Mal felt this coming up for days before, feeling that doom seeping in his bones until he couldn't sleep at all.

His steps faltered some and he nearly fell to the ground. The puddle splashed angrily at his once shiny dress shoes and he hissed angrily.

For the part of the morning he contemplated taking some of those meds he'd stopped taking years ago but then he got distracted by something softly pattering against the glass of his bedroom window and he dressed himself up before his brain came back to reality.

Now come over here and show

me yourself whatever we do

Don't speak of the dead

He'd come to a stop at the lone pier and closed his eyes, standing in the meager light barely lighting up the path. He kept standing there with eyes closed and lifted his head up against the waterfall of raindrops and let the raindrops cascade down his face.

It felt like a bliss that he couldn't feel and he longed for somebody to come and hold him tight against this gloom. But nobody came and he looked down at the edge of the ledger that separated his feet from the drop into the dark, murky waters of whatever river he was at. He hadn't paid any attention to where he was walking all day long so now he was stunned at the sight of the dark flowing of the river that suddenly felt so pulling…

A little less walking please

Could you stay for the night

But it's difficult when he's not around

He wanted to scream so badly. Right into the void of his own emotional turmoil and into the void of the river that kept calling his name again and again…

But he looked up instead.

And saw nothing..

And then he screamed like never before.. Until his voice was raw and he couldn't breathe..

And the Malcolm ran…

What if I need

What if I need somebody

What if I bleed

Who's gonna help me dry it oh oh

His steps faltered after a while and he couldn't stop so his body took a brunt topple on the unforgiving had ground. And he cried…

His wails echoed in the void and raindrops just muted the despair from the rest of the world..

His voice cracked and he sobbed harder.

And then he slowly lifted himself up and kept on walking while his bruises complained and screamed at the abuse.

He hated himself. But still, he hated his father way more..

The anger rushed up on him so suddenly he was caught off guard and for a moment he could only see white and red flashing before his eyes.

With unseeing eyes he started running again…

I try hard to beat time

And stay inside the lines

But it's difficult when you're not around

When his vision cleared he found himself back at the river he now felt like recognizing. It was either Bronx or East river. Memories of the last time he lost it here washed over and he dropped to his knees. The haunting of whatever demons laid in those memories left him raw and hurting so deeply he couldn't stop…

He had nothing left to scream and his anger was fading into a despair…

Memories of all the things his father did to him came back in a fresh wave of bold hit and all he could was to curl up into a ball and silently weep against the endless cascade of raindrops.

I'm dressing in gold to go out again

Yea I need a buzz to get out of my head

A sudden flash of lighting brought him back to reality and with a sudden burst of energy. He got up from the ground a tad too quick. The headrush onset almost brought him back to ground but there was nothing to stop Malcolm now..

He once more took to running. And he carried fast and far before another flash came with a deafening rumble so close he tripped over some curb and rolled down some steep incline. The roll of his body was suddenly stopped by a piece of concrete block section that was the only thing keeping his decline and eventual topple into the dark waters of raging river below…

He laid there in the dark, stunned and shocked, all still and breathing hard. His breath kept catching in his throat and he chocked on his inhales and coughed hard.

The pain in his head clouded some of that but he was dizzy. And sudden realization washed upon him…

He missed the buzz…

Something nobody but one other person knew about. With that new memories came back and Malcolm struggled to stop that train from derailing him completely.

Those days were long gone but he still missed it every day, even with all the meds he was already taking and that he knew after his own mother words he could make that party happen. And he already had all he needed…

But one thing he was missing…


They always try calming me

Tell me to have some fun

But nothing is when you're not around

He missed his only friend who truly understood him the way nobody did before. Someone who took him for who he was and didn't take bullshit from others because they shared common problems and conquered them together. He who made Malcolm feel alive after all the shit other kids gave him despite his name change. He who took Malcolm out to places and showed beautiful night sky and counted stars together. He who dreamed about future in ways Malcolm never even dared to think of. He who showed him the other side of it all and opened new horizons for him.

Yet he was here all alone and deprived of all that he now missed and longed for the most…

The gentle kisses and hugs and all the cuddles. He missed the only person he'd wished was still around.

But he wasn't..

And it was slowly killing Malcolm like some poison he couldn't find the name for.

What if I need

What if I need somebody

What if I bleed

Who's gonna help me dry it oh oh

Emotions took over in a new wave of deep pain and he bawled out into the void as the lighting flashed and thunder rumbled deep as his pain went. He just couldn't stop even when his vocal cords gave up and hiccups became a force to reckon.

He was already chocking on everything and now it was just becoming too much for his abused body and mind to handle. So without him even realizing what was happening the deep darkness slowly slid its cover over Malcolm…

I try hard to beat time

And stay inside the lines

But it's difficult when you're not around

He was cold and shivering fiercely when his eyes slowly slid open and was blinded by a light that wasn't there before. The early light of sun was hitting his face and he realized he'd been out the whole night.

He was in pain and for sure on the way to be sick for at least two weeks if the congestion in his lungs was a sign of any kind.

Breathing was coming harder but he pushed past that and tried to get up. His body was unforgiving though.

Every limb was stiff and painful. And getting even sitting up was more of a struggle than anything else. The sudden dizziness hit him way harder than he remembered and for a while he just sat there clutching his head in his shaky hands.

As he took an inspection of his state Malcolm realized he was all dirty and still wet from the rain. There were some darker colored splotches that eerily felt like blood, which, considering he took a bad tumble, wasn't that odd. He probably looked like some of those zombies coming to life as the movies showed. And considering his predicament it probably was a legit assumption of his visual state.

However he was still too much in pain and unstable physically to make it all the way back. No taxi would take him looking like this and he had nobody else he wanted to see his current state. Mother would throw a fit and Gil.. He better not even mention his name even in thoughts, as if that would suddenly summon the detective.

His sister, while he knew she'd keep it as long as possible to her, would eventually let it slip to their mother and a new hell would arise.

He'd also avoid disturbing Dani more than he already did with all his night terror performance at the office. And JT was naturally out of question. Edrisa probably would be of more help but he wasn't mentally ready for her presence.

There was one more person he could call for help…

But he hesitated…

With a shaky, unsteady hand and stiff fingers he painfully reached in his coat pocket and pulled out his phone. For whatever miracle was still hanging around Malcolm to his surprise it was still working and even held some battery life.

Maybe not enough to make a call but for quick text seemed enough..

So he did the only thing he could think of…

He typed a quick text to his old friend Vijay, whose number Malcolm had saved after their case together. He probably should've made more efforts to keep up their communication but Malcolm was Malcolm.

But right now he needed help and Vijay was the only one he trusted enough to show his vulnerability…

His hands shook even worse as he struggled to hit send but eventually he managed. He'd included the coordinates his phone offered before his body once more couldn't handle all the emotional and physical turmoil so he slid the phone back into the pocket and laid back on the ground. It was hard but his body was too exhausted to care much.

The shivers rocked his body back into unconsciousness before he realized the sun had moved to fully shine upon his battered body giving as much warmth as it could provide for an early fall. Even wind was softly avoiding hitting him as he laid there vulnerable and covered in the darkness of his consciousness.

He was still out as a car stopped above the incline. And he didn't even stir as strong arms lifted his body up and he just softly sighed as he was bundled in thick blankets and placed in the backseat of the car.

He leaned into the touch as gentle hands lifted his head into a lap his body recognized from times long ago and completely relaxed as long fingers gently rubbed against his scalp.

And for the longest time ever he was in peace…

Come back to me

Me back to you

Go back to everything

I lay awake here in my bed and think of all we're missing

I try to scream cause oh I swear I've done it all, now wishing

That in time, you'll come around, so difficult without you

So difficult without you

So difficult without you

So difficult without you