Ahem, yes, I have cracked. I don't know where this came from, but I started writing this to Elisa over AIM and BAM, you have a poem! Complete with plot! It's senseless, random, humorous, weird, and has Hobbits and Dragons in it. And drinking. But eh, whatever.

DISCLAIMER: Dragon Smaug belongs to the genius JRR Tolkien. So do the race of Hobbits. Lord Cheese, Vlad, Fleez, and Elmack belong to me though. We made them us, yes we dids! And I made up Flagon the Dragon. And Ol' Nave. You no use! And I do believe I made up the term "bunny slave" I do not know what it means yet, but whatever...Oh, and the title is somewhat adopted from "There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale By Bilbo Baggins." But you already knew that.

Enjoy! And remember folks, this is MEANT to be stupid, ridicules, non- sensical ('nother made up word), and utterly weird. So don't read it if you don't like random humor. Unless you want to make yourself read it. WHY you would make yourself read something is odd, but whatever floats your boat works for me I guess...

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FLAGON THE DRAGON AND LORD CHEESE THE HOBBIT: A Bunny Slave's tale by Ned
the Bunny Slave

Flames are happy,
Snakes are snappy,
And birds are flappy
In the spring time
While we sit on our bee-hinds
Drinking Elvish wine
With these dandelions so fine.
I wish I could just hug a colored pencil
And the hobbits would sit under the tinsel
Drinking a lot of ale
And telling a tale
About a big big dragon name Flagon!

Oh how big that dragon was!
Every inch of him was covered in fuzz!
These hobbits battled the dragon, short and grim,
And nearly got flattened by him,
All the while singing about chickens.
Yes, these hobbits were brave.
There were four of them along with their bunny rabbit slave!
The first one was named Lord Cheese.
He was a courageous soul.
The one who shoved Flagon into a hole.
The other was named Fleez!
He coughed and wheezed
So much that he couldn't fight well.
The third, he was called Elmack.
And he drove a flapjack
Chock full of maple syrup.
The last of these sturdy souls was a short but stouthearted lad.
A fine little hobbit, named Vlad
Along with their bunny rabbit slave.
Flagon the Dragon they slayed!
How did they do it?
It took a lot of strength.
Strength, and courage, and ashtrays too.
And though everyone knows ashtrays are new
They were sturdy creatures.
And on these creatures the hobbits flew.
Flew across the Ocean of Poo.
All the way to Kalamazoo.

Oh, ho, Kalamazoo.
T'was the place where Flagon the dragon dwelled
Amid his hoard
Of steak knives and boards
Flagon the Dragon reigned in his cave.
These four brave hobbits and their bunny slave.
Flew and flew all the way from the Wave.

The Wave, oh it was a terrible sight.
It was a mass of purple liquid.
But water it was not,
For it was made of snot.
And was entirely too urplish for the liking.
The four hobbits with their bunny slave fled
(whose name was Ned).
All the way to Kalamazoo,
Because that's where they blew.

Now in Kalamazoo they did great things.
The villagers were tired of waffles and springs.
So the hobbits rid their town of all the awful
Springs and waffles.
And then they carried on
To Flagon the Dragon's front lawn.
Where they shared tea and crumpets
Before blowing the trumpets
And marching off to meet Flagon the Dragon's wrath.

Suddenly, two people appeared.
It was very weird.
"Who are you?" the hobbits cried.
For without their names the hobbits wouldn't let the two slide.
"We are Agent Faith and Agent Ozzy!" they answered.
And though this was not the reply the hobbits would have preferred
They left the two weirdos alone
And began to climb the mountain.

Lo and behold, at the top
There was a great THWOP
And Flagon the Dragon touched down on the ground
Glaring at the intruders he found.
"What are you doing in my home?" he boomed.
Over them his giant shadow loomed
In a menacing figure.

"Oh, please, tell me your names and come hither," Flagon said.
Lord Cheese boldly raised his head
And looked Flagon in the eye
And said, "I want you to die!"
Flagon laughed his throaty laugh
And caused the ground to bounce like a raft.
"You dare speak such words to me, hobbit?" he cried.
Lord Cheese stood, and though he tried
He couldn't stop from trembling.

Fleez, seeing his friends disorder,
Came toward the hobbit, wondering if his feet hair was worth a quarter.
And he shook Lord Cheese out of his trance
And he and Vlad promptly began to dance
Atop Flagon's mighty hoard
All because they were simply bored.

Lord Cheese however was not easily distracted.
"Come and fight me, Flagon, you beast, you scum!" he yelled.
Flagon laughed and trilled
Diving toward Lord Cheese.
Elmack instantly started up his flapjack, hoping it wouldn't freeze
And tried to save his friend.

Sadly, Flagon tossed Elmack away
Wanting to watch his favorite soap opera before he was old and gray
And once again charged the hobbit who challenged him.
Lord Cheese dodged the attack on him, throwing at Flagon a bin.
It was a magic bin, a bin of Pixie Stix dust
And as it hit Flagon it did bust.
Flagon was enraged at the pink specks flying in his eyes

He was mad now
These hobbits were annoying him, and making him say "ow."
But Flagon was mostly afraid
Because he didn't want to die like Smaug and Ol' Nave.
Those two dragons were his role models, his kin
And he was sad he would never share with them another bottle of Gin.
So to avenge Smaug and Ol' Nave and get rid of the hobbits,
Flagon decided to turn them into blobbits.

Lord Cheese wasn't scared of dying, and he wanted to kill the horrid beast.
The only thing that kept him going was the thought of the other hobbits
throwing him a feast.
It was the only thing Lord Cheese wanted,
And if he wanted it, he would get it.
Toward Flagon he went,
The empty bin over his head like a tent
To ward off any incoming attacks.
Now in wariness Flagon was lax,
Because he was thinking of the past
Which gave Lord Cheese the upper hand.

With a quick handstand
The hobbit thrust a sewing needle into Flagon's eyeball
And all four hobbits and their bunny slave watched the dragon fall.
Fleez started a mourning speech,
For even though the dragon was evil
He was a nice old weevil at times.
The hobbit concluded with a "Shrooms may love you, Dragon."
And away from Flagon they went.

Now the four hobbits and their trusty slave bunny Ned
Went across the Oceans of Poo and off to bed
To rest from their adventure, which after was said
To be the stupidest one of them all.
At least, according to their bunny slave, Ned.

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*sigh* Weirdness at it's finest. This is my best poem ever! Really the only poem I've ever actually put an effort into writing, but...whatever. Later, hope you liked the stupidity. Love it, flame it, hate it, hug it, and no, no one can have Ned or anyone else that belongs to me without asking. Cheers!

--Bartholomew, Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons

a.k.a.

Lobbenschnoffen the Elf

Or just simply...

Katie