Disclaimer: Nothing in the HP universe belongs to me. How many times do I have to tell you, eh? (pokes)
A/N: Isn't it just pure evil of me to abandon a fic for over a year? I know, I know. The excuse behind this is on my weblog, but to make it short, it is that I entered college, had the happiest time in my life, and a mighty break-up all in the past year, and my head was a little occupied. But now I am back to unleash more of my horrid sense of humor on you. Beware!
Mage Kitty: I know... cliché, but funny.
n snape: Thanks!
beckie13: Sorry for not writing sooner. Keep liking it!
Maethoriell Uini Tawar: Nice to meet a Slytherin! I am a Ravenclaw, myself.
shiroiryu144: Honestly, I don't know yet. I am a die-hard SS/HG shipper, but it is still undecided whether there will be a ship in this fic.
Jess16: Glad you find it funny!
Aindel S. Druida: I agree, school work is just evil-stomps on homework- I am glad you like the fic, a lot of people share your love of the mirror.
Kelek: Aww, it's sad I know, but Sevvie has to be tortured. I am so sorry for him... we writers just seem to have a thing for torturing him.
Raven Dragonclaw: Sorry for not updating sooner! I have inserted another morning scene in this chapter. Hope ya like it!
risi: Thanks for the idea, I will write some Quidditch later!
Oracle Phoenix: Sorry for the late, late update... I love Hermione too! Girl Power!
Silver Chaotic: Thank you for the understanding. I have gone, but I am back. I will update like crazy from now on, I promise.
(It is early in the morning, the first beams of sunlight are starting to fill the Griffindor dorm. The boys are awake. Breakfast will be served in half an hour.)
Ron: Urgh uhh.
Severus: (looks into mirror and squeals) After so many nights of sleep, my hair's still in a ponytail!
Mirror on the wall: You look stupid.
Dean: Ugg, heh heh.
Harry: I don't wanna do this.
Ron: Uh-uh, it's your turn. Argh urgg. (bobbles his head)
Severus: I want a comb.
Mirror on the wall: You never say that before.
Dean: (seems to have taken a great liking to the mirror) Heh heh heh heh. Urg.
Severus: That's because I don't have a sodding ponytail on my head before.
Ron: Uh-uh, no swearing in dorms..
Harry: (Bambi eyes) Do I have to?
Severus: Just gimme a comb.
Dean: Heh heh, only sissies use a comb. Argh.
Ron: 'Arry, don't stall. We don't have much time. Urg ugg.
Harry: (reluctantly) Okay.
Severus: Doesn't anyone have a damn comb here?
Ron: I say, no swearing! (dives on top of Severus)
Harry: (pokes Neville with his wand) Wake up, Nev- (drops wand) Ahh! Ahhhhhh! It's alivvvvvvvve!
Dean: Take cover! (runs and trips over two entangling boys on the floor)
Severus: Fu- argh- off me, you imbecile! (pushes the two boys on top of him)
Ron: (strangles Severus) Didn't I say, no profanities?
Dean: Ahhhh, run, run! (kicks in panic)
Severus: (turns purple) I- can't- breathe-
Harry: (runs over and tries to wrench Ron's hands off Severus' neck) Stoppit! (receives kick square in the stomach) Oww!
Ron: Are you sorry? Are you? (tightens grip)
Dean: I am, I am! Please don't hurt me! (attempts to hide beneath Severus)
Neville: (bites Harry's right leg)
(The grandfather clock chimes seven, and Seamus comes out of the bathroom)
Seamus: (regards the heap of flesh on the crimson carpet) A typical Griffindor beginning of the day. Good morning, housemates.
(Students edge slowly into the dungeons. It is double Potions of Griffindors and Slytherins.)
Harry: For some strange reason, after so many years of hatred and mishaps resulted in these lessons, the school has made surprisingly little effort in separating the two houses in Potions.
Seamus: (points at Harry) And for stranger reasons, Harry is talking like Hogwarts: A History.
Ron: Or a really bad tour-guide.
(The Griffindors sit down at the front of the classroom.)
Hermione: I wonder who is going to teach Potions now? (glances at Severus)
Severus: (plucks at own robe) Have I told you how much I detest r-red robes? (scowls) And how would I know who's teaching Potions?
Draco: (very loudly) I sure hope it is someone actually equipped with a brainthis time!
(The Slytherins, and a few Griffindors, snickers appreciatively.)
Crabbe: Heh heh heh.
Goyle: Huh? (looks around) Oh. Heh heh.
Severus: Tell me, Ferret-boy, doesn't the hair-gel you use weigh down the little grey matter you own?
Crabbe: (cracks knuckles) You dare make fun of him?
Goyle: (cracks knuckles) Live a short life, Snape.
Severus: (dryly) Your vocabularies have yet to venture beyond the realm of monosyllables. Why ain't I surprised?
Crabbe, Goyle: (confused) (turns to Draco) (with difficulty) Dr- Draco?
Severus: (exaggeratingly excited) Very good, boys! You did it!
Draco: (whips out wand) I, and I alone, am allowed to abuse their state of inanity with expressions their infinitesimal brains cannot hope to comprehend!
Severus: (whips out wand) (sneers) Now, who names you the Resident Thesaurus of Hogwarts?
Crabbe, Goyle: (smoke coming out of their ears) Ug?
Severus, Draco: (battle cry) Heee-Yahhhhhhhhhh!
(Two loud 'POP's later, a skunk and a Flobberworm materialize on the floor)
(The students look at one another)
Hermione: Merlin's beard.
Ron: Which is Snape, and which is Malfoy?
Harry: (tilts his head sideways) Well... (points at the Flobberworm) He looks a bit like Malfoy at this angle...
Hermione: (raises an eyebrow) Harry, that is not the face of the Flobberworm. It is its, erm... other end.
Cheery voice: Ah, not practicing Transfiguration too hard, gentlemen?
(Dumbledore enters and with a swish of wand, turn Severus and Draco back into their better selves)
Dumbledore: (walks to the front of the dungeon) Lemon drops all around! (Flicks wand)
(A yellow candy appears in front of each student. Most Griffindors and Crabbe pop it into their mouths and suck on it)
Severus: (mumbles darkly) Old man's trick to keep a class quiet.
Hermione: (raises hand) Professor, may I ask- why are you here?
Dumbledore: (with- what else- a twinkle in his eyes) To teach, of course!
Severus: (horrified) You? Teach Potions?
Dumbledore: (smiles indulgently) Yes, Severus. Now, if no one has any other-
(At that moment, a loud BANG echoes in the chamber as the door is being kicked open.)
Sirius: Boom, baby!
(A few heads turn. Harry, too busy sucking on his lemon drop, fails to notice his godfather's reincarnation.)
Severus: (jaw drops) You!
Sirius: (proudly) ME!
Severus: B-b-but you are- h-how, w-why-
Sirius: For justice, Merlin's celebrated collection of boxers and the need of the plot. (walks to the front)
Harry: (joyously) Sirius! You're back!
Sirius: (winks) New and improved.
Dumbledore: As touching as this is, Sirius, I am afraid you're disrupting my class.
Sirius: I am sor-(remembering what he is here for) oh wait. I object!
Dumbledore: (mildly interested) To?
Sirius: To you teaching this class! I want to teach it!
Severus: You? Teach Potions? (covers face with a hand in despair)
Dumbledore: (spreads hands) I am sorry, Sirius, but the job is taken already, by me! Apply forty years later.
Sirius: (whines) But I want the job! You can't appoint yourself, that's not fair!
Dumbledore: I can, and I-
Hermione: (raises hand again) Sir? May I say something?
Dumbledore: (irritated) You already did. Go on.
Hermione: According to Hogwarts: The Absolute Rules, article 349, whenever a position at Hogwarts is wanted by two persons at the same time, the two have to duel to determine who gets the job.
Severus: (snaps up) What? (to Dumbledore) You old wires-for-a-beard, you never told me!
Dumbledore: (authoritatively) Seeing how I am the Headmaster, and thus, Supreme-Dictator-Forever here, I get to change the rules.
Hermione: (conjures up a thick book and reads) Article 349, verse mccxviii"when the headmaster of the school declares himself Supreme-Dictator-Forever and attempts to annul the above article, the duel will take place in the form of a magic pageant"
(The class gasps.)
Severus: (buries face into hands once more) This just gets better and better.
Hermione"-or the aforementioned headmaster will turn into a slimy toad. Period." (closes book with a final 'thud')
Dumbledore: (reluctantly) Very well.
(A sort of a podium springs up in the middle of the dungeon as Dumbledore waves his wand.)
Dumbledore: (gestures for Sirius to go on stage) After you.
Sirius: (looking positively excited about all this ordeal) Okay. (Jumps on the stage) (Said stage creaks) Uh-oh.
Dumbledore: Uh-oh is right. (gingerly walks up stage) Please refrain from jumping or any other jerky movements, Sirius.
Hermione: (standing on the stage, her voice magically, unnecessarily magnified) Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the first ever Magic Pageant, a.k.a. the Fight for the Potions Job, of Hogwarts in a thousand years!
(The class claps enthusiastically.)
Severus: And we are excited because?
Seamus: (rolls his eyes) This means no class.
Hermione: Without further ado, I present you- (gestures flamboyantly) Sirius Black, the Resurrected Wonder-Man!
Severus: Oh brother. On top of it all, we need to bear her narrative.
Sirius: (steps out and waves charismatically)
Lavender, Parvati, Pansy, Millicent, etc. : Oooooh, Siri! (swoon)
Hermione: And his contestant, (steps aside) Albus Dumbledore, Mr. Antique with a Sweet Tooth!
Dumbledore: (bows) (his wizard hat flops forward)
Hermione: Okay, the rules are like this. You two can use whatever magic you like, except the three Unforgivables, to impress the audience. Later, a vote will be conducted, and whoever gets more votes launch the job. Amazingly simple, isn't it. Any questions?
(The two wizards shake their heads negative.)
Hermione: Good. Now, let the show begin! (walks off stage)
Sirius: (eagerly) I will go first! (Poof ) Woooof!
Students: (in awe) Ohhh! Animagus!
Draco: (trembles) I- I-
Draco: I have always wanted a doggie! (runs over and hugs the huge black dog)
Sirius/Dog: (startled) Woof? What the? struggles to no avail) Woof! Wooooooof! WOOF! Get off me! Off! Somebody get this nutcase off me!
Dumbledore: (dryly, but still with a twinkle) Very impressive, but I believe it's my turn. (waves a hand)
Students: (mouth open)
Dumbledore: (smugly) Well, I see you are too stunned to respond.
Hermione: Sir, we'd very much like to respond- but what is that?
Dumbledore: Automatic braiding beard, of course. (protrudes his chin so that the hundreds of pigtails of his beard is shown to everyone)
Sirius: (Poof ) (pants) Get off- oof- me! (pushes)
Draco: (scowls and goes back to his seat) Who wants to be near you? Not me, no way.
Sirius: (waves wand) Ha HA! Take that!
(Colorful ribbons tie themselves on Dumbledore's beard.)
Dumbledore: Why you- (waves wand)
(A very unflattering mole, the size of a grape, with hair growing out of it, pops beneath Sirius' handsome nose.)
Girls: Ewww. (Un-swoon)
Sirius: (with difficulty- it is very difficult to speak with a bush under your nose, you know) Dee, Dis is exdackly why he douldn't de allowed do deach!
Dumbledore: (picks ribbons out of his beard) You are not much better than me, Sirius.
Sirius: (disgustedly) You lide de color burble. Whad kind of a self-resbecding wizard lide burble?
Boys: (in horror) Purple!
Dumbledore: (accusingly) And you like men.
Girls: (in horror) Men!
Sirius: I cad deach you do brank lide de legendary Marauders... who wands do learn how do brew Dungbombs?
Dumbledore: I can teach you how to make chocolate frogs and licorice wands!
(Students watch as the two wizards bicker back and forth, unable to decide.)
Dumbledore: I can even share my secret recipe of the lemon drops!
Students: (gasp in unison)
Sirius: No! Nod de lemon drops!
Dumbledore: Mwahahahaha, yes, yessss- (spreads hands) Lo and behold, I am the almighty Lemon Drop Man!
Sirius: You padedic old chead, you can'd do dis!
Dumbledore: (evilly) Oh yes, I can, my dear Sirius.
Sirius: (points wand at Dumbledore) Induviae Leviosa!
(Dumbledore's robes flutter for a moment, then fly up)
Students: (cover eyes with their hands) Ahhhhh!
Sirius: Ha! Briefs!
Ron: Ahhhhhhhh! Dumbledore's underdrawers!
Neville: Ahhhhhhhhh- (hiccups) -ahhhhhhh!
Seamus: I am scarred for life! Ahhhhhhhh!
Dumbledore: (not a single bit flustered) (points wand at Sirius) Induviae Leviosa!
(Sirius robes fly up)
Girls: (peek from between their fingers)
Sirius: (proudly) Golden-snitch boxers! I win!
Severus: (in anguish) And it has come down to this.
A/N: Finally, after more than a year, this fic is alive once more. But I need your help! I have no idea where this is going. This is supposed to be a funny and random, slightly silly fic, and I am running out of ideas. Please drop whatever scenarios you want Sevvie to be in in your reviews, or random lines that you want to see the characters say. I will try my best to make them work in the story. I have yet to decide who should be the Potions Master, so vote for Dumbledore or Sirius. Anonymous reviewers, please put down your e-mail address to be on the mailing list. My recent news and updates would be on my website, so do go check often.
I have also written a one-shot Valentine's fic, SS/HG, an answer to WIKTT challenge "the Worst Pick-Up Line Ever." Go and REVIEW today!