Outakes of Madrox – As direct by Kit, and her beta, PantherDragon
Sitting in a 'basket chair', Kit oversees the construction of the set of 'Private Life of Jamie Madrox'. The interior of Jamie's room is being constructed. Kit sits because, in Kit terms, 'little movement is good movement'. In laymen's terms, Kit is very lazy. It is the first day of PLoJM, (abbreviated version of the horribly long title), and the director is filled with hope, warm fuzzies, and about twelve cans of Mountain Dew. The latter will come back to haunt her.
Tabby entered the room, holding her lipstick like some kind of … lipstick gun. "I'm NOT doing it!" She says forcefully.
"Huh?" This is the logic that is Kit.
"I will NOT be a stagehand! You can't make me!" The lipstick tube was waved frantically.
Kit threw her hands in the air, in fear of the 'lipstick rifle' Tabby wields. "Ok! You don't have to be a stagehand. Just watch where yer pointin' that thing!" Looking more relieved, Tabby lowered her weapon and the director put her hands down. "I'll just ask Remy to be the special effects dude and explode what needs exploding." Kit finished.
Once again, the lipstick gun was waved about and a pair of hands went up. "What?! You're letting HIM explode my stuff? I'm the stagehand, and that's final!" Capping her lipstick, Tabitha stormed off the set, finding the largest thing to explode.
"I'm going to need kevlar underpants by the time this story is over… I know it." Kit shuddered with a horrible premonition.
"Whoa! That'd be weird!" Jamie exclaimed. Turning towards the camera, Jamie suddenly gave a narrative. "Warning! This fic has an explicit content for humor and airhorns, and the following may happen: You may lose bladder control, people may stare at you funny, drooling, spilling soda on your self, snorting like a pig, smelling like a pig and … what?" Turning to look off screen, someone whispered to Jamie. "You mean this fic doesn't cause body odor. Ohhhh, my bad." Jamie turned back to the camera, embarrassed.
Kit quickly pointed at Jamie, "You! Look horribly cute!" Jamie pressed his hands together, put the puppy eyes on, and his lower lip quivered. Do you not feel the all-powerful effect of 'The Puppy Stare'?. "It's showtime!"
********************************************************Chapter 1: 'Hi, my name is Jimmy'
"Cue the 'dump-out-of-bed-at-ungodly-hour' scene." Kit announced, rubbing blearily at her eyes.
All non-essential characters (aka. People who are not in this scene) retreated to the break room with a pair of earplugs. A kareokie machine had just been installed and Forge was under the illusion that disco was back.
With the film rolling on the darkened stage, Logan began the scene. "Wake-up, Squirt." Logan was shaking the lump in Jamie's bed lightly.
"Fi'm mins." A mumbled voice said, tugging the blanket up higher.
Logan grabbed the edge of the mattress and lifted it into the air, sending the big lump in the bed sprawling onto the floor. Instead of Jamie being dumped to the floor, a very startled-looking Gambit is dumped out. "OW! Merde, m'neck." Sitting up, Remy is wearing a larger pair of Jamie's blue and yellow ducky 'jammies, complete with footies. "Dat bed is t'small."
Behind the scenes, Rogue is laughing herself silly. Kit looks torn between laughing her tail fuzzy and throwing cantaloupe. "Cut. … and get me a pair of those pajamas too."
Chapter 2: 'Run Jamie, Run!'
Thumbing through the script, Kit looked up, "Lets try breakfast. Breakfast is easy."
Evan and Scott are supposed to be holding a conversation during breakfast. "Would you pass the milk? … And you are SO wrong. The New Devils jersey sucks this year."
"…" Scott has now become horribly confused.
"Cut. Evan, line is, 'The New Jersey Devils sucks this year.' New Jersey. You know, that place we can't find with both hands, a flashlight in tail, and a pair of tweezers. Speaking of which… KURT! We need to locate New Jersey on a map and then mock it."
"Would you pass the milk? … And you are SO wrong." Before delivering the next line, Evan took a large drink of the milk. "The Neub Jershey Devilshs… that didn't come out right." Evan broke into giggles, snorting the milk.
"I think Evan had a drinking problem." Scott announced.
"Daniels! How many times must I tell you, speak first, then drink! Don't do both at once!" Kit frowned at the waste of good milk.
Kurt stood suddenly. "I found it! I found it!"
"You found New Jersey?" Jamie looked over the prop table at the book Kurt was holding.
"New Jersey? No! I found Valdo. See." With one blue finger, Kurt pointed to Waldo in his 'Where's Waldo, in the Mall of Doom' book.
A grinding noise causes both boys to turn. "Uh, Kit? Is that good for your teeth if you keep grinding them like that?
**********************************************************Chapter 3: 'Brotherhood of Monopoly'
Another 'breakfast scene' was being set up. Mugs of steaming hot coffee (and warnings not to dump it on their laps) were distributed.
"Action. Please… soon." Kit whined, dangling from her chair in a boneless fashion.
"Hey! That's my poptart!" Entering the set, Jamie chased a poptart-carrying duplicate around the kitchen table three times, and then under it. There was a very loud *BONK*, courtesy of Freddy and Tabby working sound effects. Cups rattled, saucers tinkled, hot coffee narrowly missed spilling in Xavier's lap.
"AHHHHH!" However, it did successfully spill on Ray.
"HANK! We need ice packs, and aloe!" Kit winced in sympathy.
"Get onto that stage, you big chicken!" Kit was trying to push the unmovable Blob onto the set. Giving another push, Kit decided it might be easier to roll him…. but not by much…
"No! There are gingerbread men up there!" Freddy was clinging to furniture helplessly. "I don't wanna go!"
Releasing Freddy's arm, Kit stomped to the break room. "Mystique! We need a stunt double for Freddy! He won't go near the gingerbread."
In the break room, Magneto, Mystique, and Xavier were enjoying a nice mug of hot tea and some peace and quiet. Of course, when Kit shouts everything, peace and quiet is hard to come by. Mystique groaned in abhor for being pulled from her nice calm break. Taking the form of the several hundred pound Freddy, she made her way to the stage for the scene.
"Roll film!" Kit ordered.
Pietro and Jamie were digging through the tin of gingerbread men while a faux-Freddy looked on in horror. Pietro offered the small boy a cookie. Having already done this scene some seven times, he was going to be sick if he ate another gingerbread cookie. Thus began another bad outtake.
Before Jamie could take the cookie Pietro was holding, it spoke. "Do you know the muffin man?" The cookie squeaked, in a falsetto voice that sounded rather like Pietro.
"The muffin man?" Jamie echoed, baffled.
"The muffin man!" The cookie bounced.
"Oh! I know the muffin man!" Jamie grinned. "Who lives on Drury lane?"
Yeah… you could probably see where this is going… or not. "DIE! Die, you gumdrop monster!" The real Freddy suddenly stormed the stage, moving faster than the Brotherhood had seen him move before. A heavy boot suddenly smashed the harmless cookie into dust and then ground it into the floor.
"I have no clue where that went wrong, but I'm losing sanity just thinking about it." Kit twitched.
"Hand." Pietro croaked. "Blob's foot … on hand…Getoffmyhand!" Quicksilver was horribly pale, even for him.
The entire cast winced. "Hank! We need… sheez, I dunno. Plaster, Band-Aids, and the largest Tylenol you can find." Kit called out. "I'm gonna put you on speed dial, Doctor."
Chapter 4: 'All's fair in love and germ warfare'
Most of the cast is wearing biohazard suits. "Fer cryin' out loud! Rogue isn't really sick! She's not contag--oh I give up." Kit rubbed her forehead and then gave another warning as the camera beings. "Filming, action!"
Rogue was sitting in bed, her arms wrapped around a blanket-cover figure. "Yer such an angel." The blanket flailed a bit, chuckling.
BAMF! As Kurt appeared, Rogue let go of the blanket person. "Ack! Vas ist das? Vogue! Are you hiding someone from me?" Kurt teased, grabbing the edge of the blanket and pulling it. Remy sat on the bed grinning ear to ear.
"Bonjour." Gambit waved. Kurt promptly fainted.
"That is for you, Romy fans!" Kit cheers. "Now leave me alone!"
Jamie is hanging from the back of Kit's chair. "How many times are you going to replace me with Remy?"
"Until I don't find it funny." Kit answers matter-of-factly.
The next scene, they managed to pull themselves together for the bicycle race. The hardest thing was finding a bike small enough to fit Jamie that wasn't pink. The Copy-Jamie in this scene threatened to run away if he had to ride a pink bike.
Hank began the scene. "Ok. Rules. No knocking other riders off their bikes. But any abilities to speed up your ride are acceptable. Bikers ready?" Hank shouted, his voice projecting very well over the open flat of the yard. There was a cheer from the crowd and the racers. "On your marks, get set. GO!" And the race began.
Copy-Jamie was jumped the track and peddled away from the course. In fact, he peddled right out of the scene.
"CUT! Jamie! Errr, COPY! Get back here!" Kt shouted. The copy, of course, did not listen. He kept going until his skinny little legs sped the bike from the set entirely. Everyone watched as the duplicate made his way to freedom.
"Born, freeeee! As free as the wind blows! As free as the graaaaass grows!" The original Jamie began to sing, dashing away an imaginary tear as his duplicate ran off.
Lance made a mark on a chalkboard. "That's the fifteenth 'Jamie' to escape so far… today." He announced.
"Danngit. We're going to need kid-leashes for all those dupes." Kit mussed.
************************************************Chapter 5: 'Madrox of the Mosquitoes'
Kit looked pleasantly refreshed. "I love camping." She sighed. "Thus, you will ALL love camping too." The tone of her voice threatened all with tuna down their pants if they didn't agree. "If you are ready, lets film the scene where Logan drives the New Mutants to the woods. Ready? Marker!" Filming began with Kit on a very high note.
Four Jamies were sitting on the floor, waiting to either be reabsorbed or to help out. But everyone was in the car and ready to go.... "WAIT! I forgot something!" Jubilee cried out. Logan snarled and let her run back inside. Minutes passed. People got jittery. Logan began to grit his teeth.
"Dude, did I pack underwear?" Bobby wondered out loud. Logan looked like he wanted to flee the van and hide in the trees … in fact…
"LOGAN! Logan … whatever-your-middle-and-last-names-are, you get down from the tree right now!" Kit shook her fist up at the tree in fury. "I'm part monkey! Don't you make me climb that tree!"
Filming was called off until someone figured out how to get an angry wild man out of the shrubbery.
"I feel so naked." Jamie was wearing his underwear, paint, and some feathers, and that was it.
"Welcome to my world." Hank sighed. Under his blue fur, Hank is entirely naked! How's that food for thought?
Taking the stage, the scene began. Jamie had stripped down to his skivvies, painted black and red marks all over his body and the bodies of six dupes, and they were standing around a raging inferno and then began to … wait…
"CUT! JAMIE! You are supposed to dance! This is important! It's the very first savage dancing scene! DANCE! Not… what ever it was you were doing." Kit said enthusiastically.
"It was the Macarana!" A duplicate smiled. Everyone else shuddered. Forge looked bodily ill.
"Do you not know how to dance?!" Kit is tugging on her bleached bangs in irritation. Seeing no other way, she called the filming off. "Forge, I want this boy be able to boogy. You've got three hours."
"Hey! That's cruel an unusual punishment!" A multiple in mostly red paint shouted. "… to Forge. Poor guy." This Jamie was pelted with mud.
(Three hours, four aspirin and a trip to the infirmary later) Jamie is dancing. Filming continues. Forge is in a full-chest cast.
"So many little feet…" Forge moaned. "He boogied all over my back."
**************************************************BEHIND THE SCENES: First Interlude
"Bobby Drake, you get out of that room right now!" Kit tugged on the handle to his dressing room. "You were supposed to be on set five minutes ago!" Unable to force the door open, Kit degraded to petty threats. "Don't make me come in there!" She banged on the door.
"Like you could!" Bobby shouted back. It was the upcoming scene that everyone had dubbed, 'Revenge of the midgets'. Self-preservation told Bobby not to trust any scene with Jamie in it called 'revenge', and had boarded himself in his room. Too bad (for Jamie), because there was a large pot of lukewarm noodles, icy water, and jello waiting with Bobby's figurative name on it.
"Let me in! Lemmin, lemmein, lemmein!" Kit growled, banging on the door. "I have magical, mystical powers! I can annoy the hell outta you!! Do you never want to sleep again?!?" This was a very real threat, because Kit never sleeps. It is a fairly consistent thing. Rain falls. Sun rises. Kit is an insomniac. And as for the magical, mystical powers… Kit considers being able to consume great amounts of sugar in one sitting (enough to put an elephant into diabetic shock) a magical power.
"Let! Me! In!" Each word was accented by Kit pounding on the door.
"But I not wearin' any pants!"
"… Then I take back that last comment!" Wow, look at her turn on heel and quickly leave the area before a pantless Drake decides to make his exit.
Chapter 7: 'Have you seen this boy?'
"Ready for the museum scene?" Kit had given up on shouting and resorted to using a megaphone to do the shouting for her.
"My ears…" Logan winced.
"Oh! Oh wow!" Kitty breathed, pulling their attention from a collection of Indian artifacts. Ahead was the diamond exhibit. It sparkled like a million raindrops under a blazing sun. The whole room looked like it was been doused with diamonds. Not even Rogue could keep from staring at wonder at the showcases. The special effects crew had spent hours making a 'diamond' that sparkled… without exploding afterwards (much to Tabby's dismay). The rock was easily the centerpiece of the set.
"Yoink!" Until an Australian pyro zipped in, grabbed the shiny rock, and ran off with it cackling. Kit released security, which consisted of Cain Marko and Victor Creed.
"Bring that back you kleptomaniac! I'm going to break your shins!" Kit threatened.
(many hours, two fire extinguishers, four fights and severe cleaning later)
"Ok! We are now filming the kidnapping scene. Jamie! You ready?" Kit finally finished putting many bandaids on St. John after Cain and Victor caught him. Hank was busy tending to the overly crispy Juggernaught and Sabertooth after they caught Johnny.
"I'm ready!" Jamie announced, wearing two thick bandages over the palms of his hands.
"Action! Remy, yer up!" The sharp snap of the marker was Remy's cue to begin.
"So, garcon got t' de diamonds b'for we got back, heine? Clever, mon ami." That smooth French voice made Jamie twitch. "Doesn' 'splain why he be hidin' here." Jamie froze. His eyes. They were pure black with red circles. A strange poem Hank McCoy had once told him comes to mind:
Penguins are Black,
Tomatoes are Red,
We're comin' aboard,
Prepare to eat lead!!
With that, a small NERF gun was pulling out and fired several times at Remy. Suction cup darts were sticking to his forehead.
"Cu-cut!" Kit was laughing hysterically. Pirate-y quotes did that to her. "Whooo, that was funny, … Hank, lay off the bad lymrics."
********************************************************Chapter 8: 'The ill-fated escape of Jamie Madrox'
Tabby was holding a large supersoaker, smiling in such a way that everyone had moved ten paces away from her. "Ready with the water torture scene there, Tabs?" Kit asked. The grin was answer enough.
"Action on water scene!" CLACK! Went the marker, scene two, act I, take 3.
Drip-Drip. What was that? Jamie turned to see a mostly-empty soda can on the dashboard leaking onto the armrest of the seat. Drip. Jamie then remembered he had to use the bathroom. Drip. Drip. And his bladder seemed to be shrinking. Drip. Drip. Drip. Sweat broke out on Jamie's forehead as he watched the dark drops fall through the air and shatter into tiny flecks of fluid as it hit the chair. Oh, he really had to go. Drip. Jamie turned quickly to try again to stare down Gambit. Drip Driiiiiiip.
"OK! OK! I'M KIDNAPPED!" St. John screamed, wobbling to his knees. "Call a break! I have to use the can!!" With that, Pyro jumped up and ran of the set to the restrooms.
"JOHN! This is the fourth time!" Kit pulled on her hair, then reached over and began pulling on her tail again.
"D'man has de bladder of a chipmunk." Remy groused.
With everyone crammed back into the van for filming, Kit gave the command. "Do PLoJM's 'name scene'. That can't possibly be any worse than what we've already messed up."
Jamie took his spot and gave a thumbs up to the camera. St. John hit his lines right on time. "Hey! We still don't know your name!" Jamie paused, thinking quickly.
"I'm Thor, the conqueror!" Madrox announced in a bad baritone, keeping his name hidden. He didn't want these people going after his family.
"Ya, and Remy is a nun." Remy said, bringing the van to a halt at a streetlight. Sabertooth had taken Piotr's spot in the front of the car and was completely silent. Jamie forgot he was up there for a moment until he heard him growling at a comment by John.
"THAT, would be a sight, Swampy, in that fetching black and white dress, woo!" St. John snickered.
"No, really, Remy meant dat. He's a nun." With that, Gambit turned around, revealing the black and white nun habit he was wearing, equip with that 'bird-like' hat. Something had been used to pad the front of the dress. "Amen."
The entire stage. Silent.
"Can ve show that, Kit?" Kurt asked. "Isn't it… sacrilege? Putting him in a dress?"
Kit was drinking milk straight up. "I'm giving up on him. Pass me that other carton of milk… I'm gonna need it." She mumbled.
*********************************************************Chapter 9: 'Saving Private Madrox'
The stage was utterly silent. For dramatic purposes, the cast was asked to be quiet while as Mastermind's large, flaming crocodile, or perhaps an alligator (Kit often confused the two) went gently gliding around the ceiling and turned a loop-de-loop. The Acolytes looked towards Pyro, who had stopped dancing to stare up at the illusion.
And during the silence, a cell phone started ringing the tune to Bonanza.
"Quiet on set… Quiet… HEY! Turn your cell phone off! PIETRO!" Another scene ruined. "Cut scene, we'll need to—," However, Kit was cut off by singing, atonally, from the stage.
"Na-nanana nananan nananan na na NA BONANZA!" St. John began to sing the theme song quietly, progressively getting louder. This was followed by much galloping and yelling of 'yee-haw'.
"Wait, Evan, keep filming this. I could always use blackmail." Kit folded her hands, smirking broadly.
Kit was in another good mood. Why? Savage dancing scene! "Cue the amazing dancing Madrox!" She ordered. The Acolytes and Jamie took the stage.
Jamie multiplied twice, leaving two duplicates looking down at themselves in amazement. "Hey! We're all tall!"
"Dude! We don't have to use a chair to get cups anymore!"
"Wow, the floor is a long ways a way now."
"Dance boogy! Dance dance dance!" While Jamie, or a Jamie, had said this, the results weren't what he expected. Instead of the three boys breaking to a dancing craze, the entire cast of Evolution rushed the stage and broke out into a combination rave/mosh pit.
Roberto looked over at them and shrugged. "Hey, why should Jamie have all the fun?"
Jamie tugged on Kit's sleeve. "I think they are mocking me."
"Indeed. Let's get the really big hose." Kit muttered.
******************************************************BEHIND THE SCENES: Third Interlude
The crew was on break. If they didn't go on regularly scheduled breaks, mass destruction (moreso than usual) would occur. The director was standing on the stage of a scaled-down size of Bayville. Awww, look, a little mini version of the Brotherhood's boarding house. She looked to the left. No one. She looked to the right. Empty. Then a twisted grin spread over her face and she stretched her fingers into 'claws'.
"RAAARW! I ARE KITZILLA!" She hissed, storming around the model of town. Crunch! That was burger bomb. BOOM! That was the high school. OUCH! That was Kit stepping on her own tail.
"You have issues." Kit whirled around to see the leader of the Acolytes staring at her in abject horror. Magneto raises one eyebrow at the strange girl. "Do you see a therapist?"
Kit suddenly looks panicked. "No! … Although I didn't check the cupboard. JAMIE! Check the cupboard for therapists!" Jamie pokes his head out of the break room, wielding a frying pan and pulls the door open revealing … cups (bet you were expecting Remy). "Whew, still safe." Kit sighs, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. "You can come out now, Wanda! False alarm! No therapists!"
Wanda exits from behind a set of curtains, looking suspiciously around the room.
"St. John! You too! No therapists." Kit announced to the highly noticeable lump in the rug.
Pyro peeked out, stood up, and then brushed himself off, trying to look nonchalant.
Magneto rubbed his forehead under his helmet. "First my daughter, now my henchmen. At least I have one normal child."
Fates conspired against Magneto, and then burst out laughing. At this moment, Pietro came sliding out from his dressing room, and wearing Mystique's costume. "Why do you hog all of leather? I want to wear leather! Even Freddy gets to wear leather! I'm wearing leather!!" He shouts. There is a highly annoyed and mostly homicidal screaming coming from down the hall.
Casting his eyes to the ceiling, Magneto gave a long sigh of self-suffering. "Is nothing sacred?"
"Uh… P.S., we ran out of towels in the break room, so we used your cape." Kit added. "Was that bad?" It was only when a mass of paperclips and office supplies went flying around the room that the crew fled from the set in pandemonium.
*******************************************************Chapter 12: 'Happy Something or other, Jamie'
The director's chair had been destroyed by an irate Lance Alvers and Kit was now forced to sit on empty crates. Why was the chair destroyed? According to everyone, it was because he had so far been the most ignored character; in reality, the color of the chair really ticked him off.
Kit twisted about, trying not to get splinters in her tail. "Are the Morlocks ready? Yes? Ok, roll scene!" Forge began recording.
Callisto entered the room, her duster draped over one shoulder. Her feet halted once she saw the 'party' going on in her room. Artie and Leech were clinging to a row of bone plates on Evan's back, each whining and kicking their legs. Jamie was dancing like a tiny breakdancer around Evan. Another Jamie was holding something rather familiar, but as he spotted her, he hung it from one of the large spikes on Evan's shoulder. A growl worked its way from her throat as she saw what it was Evan was 'wearing', even in the darkness.
A large banner that said 'Eat At Joes'.
"CUT! … Wardrobe! Can we find the right prop here?" Kit shifted again on her uncomfortable perch. "And a pillow or somethin'?"
"Is the film rolling?" Kit was looking carefully at the video equipment.
"Should be," Forge is fiddling with the camera, "but none of the sets are showing on the vid screen." Static crackled on three different TVs used to view the camera's angle.
"So why isn't the red light blinking?" Random buttons are pressed, in hopes of getting the fabled 'red-blinky light of information' to start working again.
Forge presses the eject button. Instead of a tape springing out to greet them, a peanut butter, marshmallow fluff, and Nutella sandwich oozes out. The white marshmallow fluff has fused with the Nutella,… and the inside of the tape deck.
In absolute horror, Forge pulls the sandwich out and survey's the damage as Kit took it from him. "Man, Oh man. That sticky stuff covered everything! All the ports are jammed with it! No wonder the camera wasn't rolling, it was trying to record on a sandwich. This will take about a day for me to fix. What a burn." Forge turned to look at the director.
She wasn't holding the sandwich anymore.
Looking about the ground in fear of stepping on the sticky sandwich, Forge warily asked. "Where did that sandwich go?"
Kit swallowed. "Hey, PB, Fluff, and Nutella is my fav kinda sammich. And I don't know who felt the need to hide it there, but I felt the need to eat it."
Forge quickly gathered up the camera and fled.
(Two weeks, a diet, Two self defense classes and ten cameras later)Chapter 13: 'Multiple Imitation'
Things were going well. Nothing had exploded, vanished, or caused bodily injuries to others today. The author should have suspected something… When Kurt was supposed to dangle by his tail from the light fixture, there was a sudden change in plans. *WHAM!* Kurt was now dangling by his head from the floor.
"CUT! Ok! Who greased the light fixtures?" Kit grilled the crew.
Mystique pulled Kurt up, clinging to her 'poor injured baby'. If Kurt were coherent, he probably would have been embarrassed.
"Really, people! Third time this week Wagner has gotten a concussion! Does someone need a timeout?" scolded Kit.
"Beast! You're on set!" Jamie tugged on Mr. McCoy's arm. The blue behemoth abandoned his place in the break room and picked up his medical bag. "No! It's your part in this scene, remember? No one has gotten hurt … yet." Toying with the collar of his shirt, Jamie fidgeted.
Kit had gotten everyone on his or her marks on time. There were no complaints either. How? She had a supersoaker filled with red paint. And a homicidal grin on her face. Hence the reason no one was arguing with her. Hank began his lines with scolding the boys (which consisted of Jamie, a 'mock-Jamie' *Mystique*, Scott, and Kurt).
"This is the third time! I am out of places to hide snack foods that is still sanitary." Hank sighed. "I can think of only one way to teach you kids a lesson…" Hank suddenly ducked behind the counter. There was a lengthy pause. So lengthy, in fact, that Rogue actually made it back with the towels.
"Psst! Isn't this the sock puppet scene?" Jamie whispered to Kurt. Kurt shrugged.
Suddenly Beast popped up. In disguise. A disguise of googly eye glasses. "Ahem…. C is for cookie! That's good enough for me!" Hank began to sing. "C is for COOKIE! That's good enough for me! C is for COOKIE, and that's good enough for me, OH! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie starts with C!!!!" … a plate of cookies was lifted up. "YUM anrg rrrn nnnng." These cookies were shoved into Beast's mouth, with most of the cookies falling out onto the floor at the great spectacle he made of eating them.
This was probably the worst time for Kit to take a drink of milk, as the 'fountain' effect occurred as Hank sang.
"Was there even a point ta this?" Rogue asked.
"Zhat Kit finds Cookie Monster hilarious…. And now she needs the Heimlich." Kurt answered. Scott nodded. Indeed Kit did.
********************************************************************Chapter 14: 'Tour de Mall'
In Kit's fancy director's chair sat someone else. Someone terrifying. Someone who should have been tossed into the same Asylum with Wanda and forced to watch really bad 80's cartoons.
"Hi!" It was Kit's beta, PantherDragon.
"Good lord, NO!" Xavier whirled his chair around and floored it to the door.
"Oh come on! I'm not that bad!" PantherDragon (or PD as Kit likes to call her), stood up. "I'm just here until Kit is released from the hospital for drinking… and then choking on bad milk." Evan took a moment of silence here. Uh, for the milk. Shame to see good milk go bad.
"If we could, lets to the mall scene with Pyro doing his thing." Suggested PD. Everyone blanched. St. John cheered the fates. Then everyone put on fire retardant underpants. The stage was set, the sprinkler system was primed, and filming began.
Then it stopped.
St. John looked irate for some reason, holding his hand over the camera. "No! We are doing it all wrong! Instead of acting through a semi-orwellian concept of biopsychosocial mental philosophy, we should be interpreting this segment for what it is!"
The room is Dead Silent. No one even blinks. Scott loses brain cells just listening to it.
"What… is it… about?" PantherDragon whispered, her eyes almost glued open in confused shock. If you look closely, her left eyebrow twitches from the insanity of it all.
"FIRE!" Johnny screams. "A towering inferno of DOOM! Flames eating everything in sight, like people just off a Jenny Craig diet! Nothing is safe from fire! Watch me set my pants aflame!" PantherDragon backed slowly out of the chair, then took cover behind Logan.
Jamie began pushing Wanda forward. Wanda resisted. "What are you doing?" She asked in a tone that would have put frost on John's proverbial flames.
"He's totally nuts. You've been nuts before. Please, Wanda, you're our only hope." Jamie begged. Wanda stared at the still madly laughing Pyro. A handful of the actors had managed a hasty retreat in fear of any explosions that may follow St. John's ranting fit. The other half was standing around watching in a kind of 'train-wreck' morbidity. "That, or a fire extinguisher." Jamie added. At this, Wanda paused.
"Actually… help me find a fire extinguisher, Squirt. We're going to fix this."
Going along, Jamie opened a cupboard, pulling out a large red and white fire extinguisher and handing it to Wanda. But the boy had a question. "But he hasn't started any fires yet…."
*KA-WHOP* That would be the sound of a fire extinguisher to the back of the head of a crazy Australian. St. John took a short nap on the floor.
"It still saved our lives, though."
With Kit's substitute director still in place, everyone was waiting for the last scene of the day to film. PantherDragon was scribbling all over Kit's script, adding new parts. Jamie was reading over her shoulder.
"Ok! We are ready to film with this new script! Rogue, Logan, Jamie, you three take the stage. Scott, you better start running around. Remy, get in the sound booth. Tabby, cue a telephone sound effect!" PD ordered. Highly motivated to finish filming and then run away very fast, everyone obeyed.
The phone rang. Rogue reached over and picked it up. "'Lo?" Rogue looked over at Jamie, who watched as his duplicates evicted Scott from Den Island. Jamie looked like he was having a blast.
"'Lo, peite. Guess who." Remy husked over the phone.
"Ah'm guessin' it's not the pizza guy." Rogue sighed.
"Non,… but Remy could bring ya som'tin' good." There was almost an audible smirk on the line.
Rogue could hear Logan coming down the hall, and the incredibly brilliant idea struck. "Can ya hold on fer just a sec, Suga, and then say that 'gain." She purred. There was an affirmative sound from the phone. Rogue quickly stood up and leaned into the hall, her hand pressed firmly over the mouthpiece.
"Hey, Logan. It's fer ya." She held the phone up to him.
Taking the phone, Logan put his ear to the receiver and just listened. Remy began speaking again, "P'rhaps we can go f'some coffee later t'night, chere."
Logan's claws unsheathed and he growled into the phone. "Cajun! When I find you, you'll be singing soprano fer the rest of yer life!" The yelling only got louder and the threats became much more effective. There was an undistinguishable squeak on the other end of the line and it quickly disconnected.
PantherDragon looked down at the script. "Wait… that's not what I wrote. It was meant to be pointless Romy fluff."
A voice spoke from behind PD. "Yeah, … lucky for me I meddle in everything." Kit was back. And she did not looked pleased. See, Kit is deeply worried by Romy fluff. Something about her thinking that it will soon take over the world.
"Uh…" PD stuttered, meekly rubbing the back of her head. "Boy, you got out of the hospital early. I would have thought that you, ESCAPE PLAN OMEGA!" At this, all of Jamie's duplicates broke into the funky chicken. Mass confusion ensued. PantherDragon jumped up, ran to the nearest window, and dove out.
THUD! "ow…" And just a hint… that wasn't PantherDragon…
Kit leaned out the window. "Yeah, generally, I try not to land on Warren." She called to her beta. "He's got a large team of lawyers, ya know."
**********************************************Chapter 15: 'Have you seen this boy AGAIN?'
With Kit in her reclaimed director's chair, filming began again. Once again, the scene was set for Magneto's base. Jamie was getting pretty used to acting in a metal room.
"Action, whenever you are ready." Kit said meekly. Why did she say this meekly? Well, because her pockets are mostly full of change. If Magneto did his 'magnet' thing, her pants would go flying…
"Sabertooth! Remove the shoes! I want all of these… icky things… clear!" Eric sneered at the word 'icky'. The shoes were picked up, revealing yet more 'icky' beneath them. "Is it… I'm not even speaking of those." A set of rather suspiciously looking magazines, belonging to Remy, were resting under the speedster's shoes. Let's just say… Remy didn't keep the magazines for the articles…
"Remy object t'dat!" Gambit shouted, interrupting the scene. "Remy never seen dose magazines b'fore in his life!"
"Oh yeah? Then why did you use a whiteout pen to draw white bangs on all the chicks?" Pietro zipped in, opening the magazine to a random page to prove his point.
Remy LaBeau, thief extraordinaire, actually blushed. "D'blame goes ta too much alcohol." He muttered. Off the stage, Rogue began to crack her knuckles.
***********************************************BEHIND THE SCENES: Fourth Interlude
Kit had fought Evan off for the last gallon of milk. She had a purpose for this milk. A greater good. There would be milk revenge! BWHAHAHAAA! "We'll have to be sneaky. Don't want to be discovered now, do we precious?" She hovered over the milk, lovingly petting the plastic container.
Jamie was staring at Kit strangely.
Kit stared strangely back.
"Um… shouldn't we be filming?" Jamie said, offering any kind of distraction to keep the author from going ape-nuts.
Kit cleared her throat and straightened up. "We probably should, but… I must do something first." Dark and creepy shadows crept over her face as she grinned. It was a potentially eeeevil grin, promising revenge and doom.
So, of course, Jamie volunteered. "Can I help!?" The small mutant waved his hand in the air.
See Kit sneak.
Sneak Kit, sneak.
See Kit signal to Jamie in complex hand gestures to put Operation Moo-cow into order while sneaking up behind PantherDragon.
"BANZAI!" Jamie hollered like a sack full o' monkeys as he threw himself at PD. Sensing danger, much like crocodiles sense Steve Irwin right before he pounces, PantherDragon dodged clumsily to the left. This left her room to escape, so the beta took the advantage and ran like pants. Or rather, ran like her pants off (because, personally, I've never seen pants run on their own).
"No! She's escaping!" Kit jumped from her hiding placed as dashed after the fleeing girl. "Drink yer dang milk, ya brittle-boned geek!" PantherDragon jumped out the window again (this time avoiding landing on Warren) and Kit gave chase, screaming like …like… I dunno… Forge exposed to bunnies or something.
Jamie and his duplicates watched as the director vanished. They looked at the full gallon of milk that had been left behind in Kit's hurry to catch PantherDragon. Then the boys broke into chanting 'Drink yer milk! Drink yer milk!' and danced around the gallon container.
Entering the room, Spyke watched the hoard of Mulitple Man dance around the milk like it was a shrine, commanding the milk to be drank. Shrugging, Evan stepped in, picked up the milk and drained the whole thing. The Madrox (insert bunny-triumph sign here) were too busy dancing to realize the milk had been purloined.
"Hey! He drank the milk!" Finally, one of the Jamie's noticed. This was because Evan had failed to wipe the milk mustache from his face.
"Uh-oh. What do we do now? Kit has no milk to force upon others!" A duplicate panicked.
The lead Jamie took the front of the group, putting his hands on his hips in determined triumph. "There is only one thing we can do… make Evan drink a bottle of strawberry syrup and then tell Kit we have no clue where HER milk got off to!" Evan looked bodily ill and tried to flee.
We say, 'tried' because after drinking a gallon of milk, nobody is in any condition to do any serious moving; not even a mutant. Trust me… I've tried…
***************************************************Chapter 17: 'There was a boy who had a dog and Jamie was his name-o'
"This is it! Last chapter people! Then we can all go screaming like Ring Wraiths from here." Kit announced. There was a very enthused 'yaaah!' at this. That is, until Kit gave them the news, "And then I can get started on my next X-men fic." A resounding 'booo' was the answer.
"Get to work or I'll bring back my Beta of DOOM!" She shouted. Almost as one, everyone takes their marks and the filming begins.
In a darkened and snowy alley (courtesy of Storm and Bobby), Jamie shivered from the cold. A garbage can toppled to the crowd's left. "We …. We've got you covered!" One of the Jamies squeaked, his voice cracking with fear. There was another noise, like nails tapping against the wall. From the dim street light, a very small something crawled out from behind the trash.
It was Remy in a Flopsy the Puppy suit. "Arf."
"... I know nothing." Xavier was twiddling his thumbs.
"I'm not taking that home." Jamie said flatly.
Filming the scene, the actors took the stage even before the director took her chair. The 'director black/white thingy' snapped and filming began. Ray and Jamie were the last two people the camera would film before the PLoJM ended. And they were happy about it. "Ya mean a small furry 'tube-rat' that stinks up the entire room and hides all shiny things under sofas?" Ray tapped his chin. "No… but that's not going to stop you, will it?" Jamie smiled, shaking his head. "Thought not. I suggest hiding it in Bobby's room… no one would notice the smell." And Jamie laughed. The end (of chapter).
That would be an airhorn. "I give you all a 21-airhorn salute!" Kit cheered, holding an airhorn in each hand, and one in her tail. How was she going to use 21? Well… if she can use a maximum of three at once, and each air horn holds about ten seconds of continuous honking, then that's about… Three times the volume for 70 seconds. In other words, just enough to give Logan a headache and pass out and deafen everyone else.
"WHAT?!" Jamie shouted, trying to clear the ringing out of his ears.
"Did she say she's giving us the boot?" Scott shouted out, confused. "But it was the last day of shooting!"
"WHAT!?" That was Jamie again.
"NO! I won't pay for looting, yo!" Todd had his hands pressed over his ears, trying to stop the ringing. "I can do that myself."
"WHAT?!" Jamie shook his head, hoping to get hearing back. Instead, he made himself dizzy.
Kitty giggled. "I know Legolas is an elf! A cute elf too..."
"WHAT?!" Jamie needs a hearing aid.
Looking down at the twenty-one empty air cans around her, Kit decided that, while it sounded like a good idea at the time, deafening the entire cast was a bad idea. Or at least, a mostly-bad idea. She didn't object to causing the cast to shout incredibly random phrases.
Kit broke into a fit of cheering. "Yes! It's over! I'm free! FREE!"
"But you didn't do outtakes of the very last chapter!" Someone announced.
"The very last chapter is serious, and mocking serious work is… sacrilege!" Kit gasped. "And more work to do if we did."
"No more work! No more work!" One of the Jamies chanted. The rest of the dupes broke into rounds of 'Swing low, sweet chariot'.
"Come'n, Squirt. Let's go drink soda until we go into pancreatic shock and have to get our stomachs pumped." Kit hopped to her feet, meandering towards the door.
To a fourteen year-old boy, this sounded pretty good. "Oh yeaaaah! And can we watch really bad Godzilla movies too??"
Kit leaned down on Multiple Man. "I have taught you well, my padawan." She ruffled his hair. "I hope you lead a prosperous life… ya wanna go dump green beans down Bobby's shorts?" And thus ended the saga of Multiple Man's boyhood. Who knows, maybe in the future, Kit will write a more comic-based fic of James "Jamie" Arthur Madrox all grown up. ... WHOAHAHAHAAA!