Mine Eyes Behold
Rating: PG-13 (Language - suggestive situations, but nothing you can't handle and nothing that will get me in trouble for picking the PG-13 rating. ^_~ )
Summary: Sidelined. Alone. Made to suffer. He stared at them in anger. He stared at them in envy. He stared at her... in love.
Author's Notes: This is written oddly. 1st person for Sesshoumaru's part of the story, 3rd for everyone else. It was supposed to have an unhappy ending but ... a good mood caught me and well... this happened.
Someone mentioned in a review my one-shots seem to be more emotional or something like that, I think it's true. I can't remember who and finding it would take a while considering all the stories I'd have to look through. Just wanted to mention it.
A very special thanks to kidoairaku - a wonderful person to talk to and a talented writer. Although I'm sure you all already know who she is, if by some weird chance, look her up. I recommend everything she's written. She helped on a thing or two with this story, I think she's helped with other ones too, so it's an all inclusive 'thank you'. ^_^
Mine eyes behold...
a tender scene.
Mine eyes behold...
I watched with thinly veiled jealousy. The sweetest scene. The perfect image of couple hood. A bitter, yet familiar taste coated the insides of my mouth. How quaint.
Inuyasha smiled, laughing contentedly as they spun around in circles like children. They disgusted me. I was utterly repelled by the sight. It seemed as if they went out of their way to be 'lovey-dovey' in front of me.
I rose, barely containing my snarl and left the room, their joyous laughter ringing in my ears. I cleared the stairs finding refuge in the only place I could go and be sure they wouldn't follow, my father's office. I collapsed into his swivel chair, turning to stare out the back window into the setting skies beyond.
How utterly pathetic I was. Even after all these years, I was still hung up on her. I had watched her in her younger days pine over my worthless brother while he dallied around with another.
I had watched her pain herself over and again about Inuyasha's not returning her love. I had watched and been completely overlooked.
Not once had she ever looked at me that way. Not once had I ever been anything but Inuyasha's older brother. Not once had she ever bathed me in the warmth of her gaze. I nearly snarled at my own pathetic ramblings.
As though I, Sesshoumaru, was in need of such a lowly woman. She was one among a crowd. She didn't stand out. She wasn't a golden beauty. She was just another girl. A girl like any other. I'd known hundreds like her, I met them everyday. But only this one tormented me.
Only she continued to drift through my thoughts in an endless circle. Only she remained while others had long gone.
I dropped my head slightly, disgusted with myself.
I had seen when Inuyasha and his beloved Kikyo were torn apart by the meddlings of a third party. I had witnessed with my own eyes the unraveling of their so called 'endless, depthless love' as I had once read in some love note of theirs.
I recalled Kagome's happiness over it, even as she tried to repress the feelings. I remembered Inuyasha taking her out for that first time. I remember it all. I had seen it all.
I saw them now. I watched Inuyasha carry on like a fool in front of her each and every day and every day I wonder.
Does he really see her? Or is she really just an improved version of his beloved Kikyo?
But Kagome never thought of this. She was pure and selfless, not willing or wanting to believe the worst of anyone. She was simple and naive, young and foolhardy, but I loved her.
I, Sesshoumaru, loved the unworthy girl. She was not fitting for my attentions, let alone my feelings for her but I could no longer help them. I could no more help that I was drawn to her than I could change the color of my eyes.
Time slipped out of my grasp as I sat there brooding. It was only when the door swept open did I realize just how late it had gotten. My father paused in the doorway before stepping inside and pushing the door closed.
"Problems, Sesshoumaru?" he inquired as I stood, vacating his chair and he quickly took my place.
"Why are you back here?"
"Trying to escape the idiocy that is my brother," I growled.
Golden eyes identical to my own rose to my face. "And Kagome, I'm sure."
I crossed my arms. "The meeting is tomorrow?"
"7 am," he replied turning his gaze back down to his papers.
I nodded curtly and quietly left. I could hear them still carrying on as I neared I saw them batting each other around with the couch pillows. Childish, immature brats, I thought bitterly passing by the room.
I told myself to keep walking, but my feet disobeyed and I stopped at the front door. "What?"
"Um..." I could almost hear her fidget, but I wasn't going to look at her. I was leaving as soon as she uttered whatever inane request she had so I could say 'no'. "I'm helping plan the party for the merger, are you going to be there?"
"It hasn't happened yet."
"Well... I was trying to be optimistic about it. Are you coming?"
"No," I growled, stepping out the door and into the night air
I stood in the chilly air on the balcony, eyes blank and empty. I felt heavy and burdened. I'd finally decided how to solve this problem. I finally knew what I needed to do for myself and I was going to do it no matter how much I hated myself for it.
"Are you certain this is the best decision?"
Even my own father was second-guessing me.
"I will be of much help there," I replied primly unwilling to acknowledge I had any other motivations for wanting this transfer.
I was leaving. I was leaving her behind. Leaving her because I had to. Leaving because I could no longer stand being near her. She repulsed me as much as she attracted me and it was beyond bothersome, it was obsessive. I hated obsessions, I wouldn't be burdened with this any longer.
"Very well, I have already taken care of the preparations. All you need to do is go there."
I turned to him, pulling the balcony doors closed as I did so.
"I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I understand it's what you want."
He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, patting me in a parting gesture and stepping away. "Come visit."
It sounded more like an order than a request, but I would keep it. Even if that unworthy bastard of a brother I had was here. I stepped out of the office making my way to the front door. I hadn't noticed them until Inuyasha stepped forward.
I stopped. I was leaving for an undetermined amount of time, I should at least hear what he had to say.
"What the hell you think you're doing touching Kagome?!" He demanded.
I almost raised my gaze to the girl I knew was behind him, but refrained. So she'd told him about the other night in the garden, then. She'd told him how I'd snatched the front of her shirt and pulled her to me mercilessly. She'd told him I'd kissed her, my arduous passion spilling over to her unresponsive lips. Bitch, I thought sourly.
I reached out latching onto the front of his shirt, yanking it in a grip that tightened the material uncomfortably tight around his neck.
"Do not forget to whom you speak, whelp. I am not interested in your bitches, the other or her shadow there behind you."
I threw him, and he lost his footing skidding to the polished wood floor beneath our feet. Turning I walked to the door, slipped on my shoes and swept out it, never looking back.
Just outside I stopped once more at a soft voice calling. I turned, a soft grin making it's way onto my lips. The only reason I ever felt at all tempted to smile.
I watched as tears bubbled in her eyes and she launched herself into my arms. She was a cute girl, probably my youngest admirer. Her crush on me was cute. She was all of twelve, but convinced she loved me like no one else once expressing a desire to 'be with me always'.
"Are you really not coming back?"
"I'll visit," I promised, unable to break the heart of the girl who perhaps loved him as he loved Kagome.
With that in mind I reached into my pocket pulling out a small bound book. I draped an arm over her slim shoulders pulling her to me while he pressed the book into her hand, dropping my head by her ear.
"Keep this of me. Never let it out of your possession."
I drew away from her, glancing down to peer over her gently flushed cheeks, and starry eyes.
"Goodbye Sesshoumaru-sama!" She called out as I walked to my car. I waved a hand absently, never looking back.
Never look back, I told myself.
Rin stared at the book that had been her most precious possession for years. She knew almost every page by heart, but her anguish over it's contents had since turned to understanding. It had been several years now. She had found someone else she cared for, someone that she loved.
In the black bound pages of this little book Sesshoumaru had bared his private feelings and thoughts. She understood him as probably no one had before. Now, after four years of worshipping it's pages she understood what to do with it.
Four years of reading through Sesshoumaru's angst and unhappiness over his feelings for Kagome and his growing loathing of his own brother made her realize what she needed to do. What she wanted to do for him. Especially given what had happened just last year.
Four years ago Sesshoumaru had left her. He'd left her behind broken hearted, but he'd left with her the part of himself she now reasoned he wanted to forget existed.
She stood walking to the door. Kohaku was going to meet her in an hour, so she only had so much time. She fled out the front door, not sure how long it would take her considering she wasn't really sure where she was going.
Luckily for her she spotted a girl she recognized, calling sharply out to her.
She didn't know the girl's last name, so it was probably pretty rude of her. She approached the surprised female.
"I'm sorry, you really don't know me and I really don't know you. But... you're a friend of Higurashi Kagome, aren't you?"
She nodded. "Yes, why?"
Rin sighed heavily with relief. "That's so wonderful! Can you tell me where she lives? I have something important I need to give her personally."
"Actually Kagome lives right up the street here at the Higurashi Shrine. You really can't miss it."
Rin beamed with happiness. "Thank you so much!" She gushed.
Sango merely smiled watching her run off. She ran the whole way, more of excitement than of rush. Sure enough, a grand staircase signaled the shrine and she tore up the stairs in eagerness. There was a teenage boy sweeping the courtyard. He looked familiar, she was almost certain she'd seen him at school.
She approached him. "Um..."
"Can I help you?"
He stopped sweeping to stare at her.
"I'm looking for Higurashi Kagome. Is she here?"
"Yeah, she just got home. She's up at the house, straight back you can't miss it."
"Thank you!" she chirped, slipping past him, rushing toward the house.
She encountered a similar situation at the door talking to an elderly male. Finally he allowed her inside, giving her directions to Kagome's room at the top of the stairs. She followed them, her pace considerably slower as she neared her final destination. Reaching the doorway, she raised her hand to knock, determined not to chicken out when she'd come this far.
She didn't actually know Kagome. She only knew her from sightings in the neighborhood and Sesshoumaru's writings of her. Sesshoumaru's beautiful writings of her... she thought wistfully. Gathering her courage, she raised her hand and knocked.
It was several minutes before the door finally swung open, but Rin kept her feet planted stiffly to the ground, unwilling to turn back. She forced an uneasy smile.
Kagome's face brightened in genuine happiness. "Come in."
Rin uncomfortably stepped inside. "I'm sorry to bother you but... You remember Sesshoumaru, don't you?"
"Inuyasha's brother." Kagome immediately replied. "Sure, I remember him, but I haven't seen him in forever. I wonder how he is..."
"He's doing well." Rin replied automatically. "I saw him last month. Anyway, I came here because four years ago, when he left, he gave me something important to him, but I think you should have it."
Rin merely held out her hands offering up the black bound book. "Please don't ask anything, just take it."
Kagome reluctantly took the book. "Are you sure? If he entrusted this to you, he probably wouldn't appreciate you just giving it away and..."
"Not to anyone, but for you, he won't mind."
Kagome's head tilted ever so slightly to one side.
"I should go, I have to meet someone today. Good luck." Rin called eager to leave, but partially understanding why Sesshoumaru loved her so much. She'd known Kagome all of five minutes and she already liked her.
Kagome stared once more at the book in wonder before setting it aside uneasily. How many pages had she gone through with her name on them? How many poems had she read through that were clearly about her? How many passages were angst laden caught between something that might have been a deep love or an overwhelming hatred. She had finally been forced to put it away unable to bear it any longer.
Had he suffered this way all because of her? Because she was oblivious to his affection for her, or because he was simply so adept at hiding his emotions she'd never noticed before? She sighed heavily reaching for it once more.
She remembered so acutely now that memory of them in the garden behind his house. His hands clamped down on her shoulders, his mouth pressed against hers so desperately. Now, more than anything, she wished she'd returned that kiss. Maybe if she had, he wouldn't have left.
If he hadn't left he wouldn't have said anything about her being 'Kikyo's shadow' either.
She was starting to know him now much differently than she had before. He was a poet. A beautiful poet trapped inside the corporate world, caged in by his own ambitions, floating without a companion. Or, he had been. She didn't know what he was now. Perhaps he'd found someone to fill the place she'd once had in his heart. Her own heart lurched at the thought. Surely this book hadn't changed her feelings for him?
She hung her head. Or maybe she was just realizing what she'd known all along. About her and Kikyo, about him and Sesshoumaru, one big twisted game that led to broken hearts. She sighed.
I peered around the grand trunk of the oak tree watching them. Her dark hair was just as beautiful as I remembered. I couldn't see her well from this distance, but I was close enough. Inuyasha was by her side, digging through a basket of which I assumed to be food. When she shifted, that's when I saw it, the generous swell of her belly. Oh damn, she was pregnant.
My final hopes were completely crushed. I felt like a daisy beneath a bowling ball.
A soft voice called to me, I turned my head weakly, only giving my full attention when small hands came up to my chest pressing me back against the tree. So shocked was I at the motion I was moved under the weak hands. Before I could comment about anything least of all this treatment I met beautiful cerulean eyes and dark hair.
I stole a quick glance over the field to the woman and then back at the one in front of me. Was... Kagome?
I opened my mouth to speak but before I did she had reached up pulling at the collar of my shirt, guiding me down to her while raising herself up. I was reminded so suddenly of that day in the garden. That day I had finally given in to my desire to kiss her and been so rudely rebuffed.
Yet there was no hesitation in her now. She pulled herself against me firmly sealing her mouth with mine ardently. I told myself not to think, only to feel, but I couldn't help wondering. What was she doing? Why was she kissing me? Why was I wondering about it?
She pulled just slightly away from me, our eyes meeting. Her breath mingled with my own, our chests pressed together, exhaling in soft pants.
"You were right," she breathed. "I was just her shadow."
She turned her gaze away from me toward the picnicking couple.
"But in a way I'm glad because Inuyasha really does love her and I wouldn't want him to be unhappy."
Inuyasha! The bastard. Everything was always Inuyasha with her, damn it. Even if my hopes weren't crushed before, she was going to crush them now.
So it startled me then when she cuddled up to me laying her head against my shoulder. "Not like you were...I don't ever want to make anyone unhappy, especially not you. I'm sorry."
Really now, what was that? I wondered. Was she saying she cared about me or was I being pitied because she was just too good a person and was just naturally concerned about my unhappiness? Being such a person she wouldn't even know she didn't really care about me, her sympathy would pool into concern and she would think she actually was in love with me.
Aside from that just how did she know I was unhappy in the first place?
"Rin gave me your book." She spoke, answering my unspoken question.
I froze. She had my journal?! Rin gave her my journal!?
"Don't be angry... I'm glad she did." She whispered, pressing her lips flush against mine once more. I didn't stop her. I didn't push her away. I didn't turn aside from her lips. I didn't not respond to her kiss. I did the opposite. I clutched at her, pulling her nearer to me, holding her hard against me as her gentle kiss became a desperate need.
I'd be damned if I was going to be toyed with, especially by her. She had my book. She now knew everything I'd wrote of myself in it. She had undoubtedly read over all those pathetic scraps of poetry when I believed myself to be a man of literature. How foolish. How embarrassing.
I shoved her slightly away, pressing her back and then whirling her around back against the tree where she had so previously 'trapped' me. I cast an inquiring glance across the park toward the couple that were now cuddling on the blanket.
"She came back from overseas and ... well... I would have to have been blind not to notice the way he looked at her. So... what could I do, but give him up?"
I stood back away from her, dropping my hands down. She still loved him. My life sucked, I realized with an all too perfect clarity. I had everything I needed, but the one thing I wanted would forever be caught on something that was so far beneath me -!
I turned away and started off to my car. "I have to return to work. Nice to see you," I managed to grind out.
"Don't say anything. I haven't the time for it."
I managed to make it to my car almost overflowing with the bitter feeling in my chest. The bitch, why couldn't I hate her and move on?
My thoughts drifted as I pulled out of the lot. Yura... the woman who currently graced my bed would need to be replaced now. She would no longer serve. I would need something new. The only thing that would take my mind off Kagome was the thrill of having someone new, and then tossing them out as was my typical pattern.
My loathing for Inuyasha had grown so strong that I no longer visited unless I was certain he was to be away. I could not stomached his presence any longer.
I would my way back home several hours later. The feeling hadn't gone. Being trapped in my office all day had only intensified the feeling. I slammed the door, kicked my shoes off and all but threw my jacket over the couch. I felt like a ripping a hole in something. I was so restless.
I was now giving serious consideration to calling up that ditzy little secretary of mine, inviting her over, and getting drunk. Not that I required alcohol, I thought cockily, she would do what I wanted drunk or not.
I picked up a sake glass pouring it to the rim and then downing the contents. Why was the sake on the counter, I wondered briefly before tossing the cup to shatter against the wall nearest to me. Good. Shattering. I wanted more shattering glass. Where the hell was the maid to clean up this mess?
I scowled. Everyone would be miserable before the night was over, I thought darkly.
I glared, turning my gaze to the doorway. One of my servants, Jaken cowered there.
"You have a visitor."
"Get rid of them," I growled.
He shifted. "I tried... she showed up several hours ago, I tried to get rid of her but she barged in and started running through the house - she locked herself in your bedroom."
There was a woman locked in my bedroom? Well now, wasn't that convenient. I wouldn't have to call my secretary after all. I left, brushing off the servant as I did so following the corridor that led to my chambers. Reaching the doorway, I knocked.
"I suggest you open the door." I replied calmly belying my violent intentions once I had the door open. I could tell nothing other than the fact it was a female barricaded in my room. I couldn't hear anything but the latch of the door. I slammed my palm against it, knocking it out of her grasp slamming it back against the wall.
The woman jumped in fright, clearly not anticipating such a violent response. I turned my gaze fully upon her, almost stunned at the sight. Kagome.
I stepped in pushing her back into the room reaching absently to close the door listening for the distinct click.
"You're in my house," I drawled slowly approaching her like a predator about to pounce. "You're in my room."
"What took you so long!? You know how long I've been waiting?! That dumb servant of yours wouldn't let me in so I had to sock him a good one and locked myself in here thinking you wouldn't be that long. Silly me! I've been waiting *hours*! I'm practically starving."
"Can't have that now, can we?" I pushed her, shoving her tumbling back over the bed she was conveniently positioned in front of. I kneeled down crawling over her, pinning her down.
[End Part One]
Author's Notes: This is a one-shot, I just divided it into 2 parts because the second half hasn't been edited yet. ^_^
Thanks for reading, if you feel inspired, please review.