*Disclaimer: I do not own any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien (such as Boromir, Faramir, or Denethor) or the story of "Pygmalion" by George Bernard Shaw or the musical "My Fair Lady" which is based on said play by Shaw. I own only Hallahiriel, the Barmaid of Dol Amroth, Corerith, Lady Brumwen, Therassa, Owynvan and Gweddyn.

This is a PARODY of both works. Boromir is the Henry Higgins, Faramir is Colonel Pickering, Hallahiriel is Eliza Doolittle and Denethor is the rough equivalent of Henry Higgins's uppity Ascot attending mother. The story is set in 3008, ten years before "Fellowship." Boromir is 30 and Faramir is 25.


By Leah Pensotti

Chapter Thirteen: Overture

Hallahiriel could barely believe it. Her life had completely changed in a matter of months. She and Boromir were to be married during the Yule, which was little more than a month away. Denethor was less than pleased that his eldest son was to wed a barmaid, however, Hallahiriel's acclaim brought her much recognition because of her performance in Dol Amroth. Many suitors had come to Minas Tirith to ask for Hallahiriel's hand, but all were rebuffed by the Steward. Denethor boasted to the men that his eldest son had already beaten them to the punch and that all their traveling and effort have proved feckless. In this respect, the betrothal brought much pride to Gondor and especially to the Steward.

Hallahiriel, in the meantime, had taken to working in Aethlien's shop as a seamstress. She had become quite good at sewing and making clothes. Boromir, Faramir and Corerith's wardrobes had increased by double, thanks to Hallahiriel's incessant need to practice.

On a particularly rainy afternoon, Hallahiriel and Faramir sat in the hall near the hearth. He had his nose in a thick book and Hallahiriel worked steadily on a tunic. She sighed in a frustrated tone and Faramir took notice.

"Is everything all right, Halla?"

"No," she said briskly.

She looked up at Faramir worriedly, "I'm doing this wrong."

"Why don't you put it down for a moment?" Faramir offered.

Hallahiriel tossed the tunic aside and smiled wearily, "I am making the tunic for Boromir. I hope that he'll wear it the day of our wedding."

Faramir smiled and closed his book, "That day will be here soon."

"Indeed." Hallahiriel sighed and spoke again, "How long has Boromir been gone, Faramir?"

Faramir counted the days, "Only ten days, Halla."

"And when did he say he would return?" She asked hastily.

"In three weeks."

Hallahiriel sighed again, "I never thought that I'd miss him."

Faramir chuckled, "And I never thought that you would marry him."

"Me either." Hallahiriel giggled happily, "What a strange pair we make."

"Boromir certainly met his match in you, Halla. In more ways than one."

Hallahiriel laughed again and then turned serious, "Why did you not go with him to Dol Amroth, Faramir?"

Faramir's face fell a bit, "Father bid him to go to Imrahil's alone."

Hallahiriel reached over and patted his arm, "I am glad for the company, Faramir. I dare think what would happen if Corerith and I were left alone. I would drive the woman mad."

Faramir smiled in gratitude and Hallahiriel picked up the tunic again. She fought back feelings of sadness and turned her attention to her sewing as the rain poured down outside.


Two weeks later, Hallahiriel and Corerith were making ready the dress that the former was to wear in a marriage ceremony at the end of the week. Hallahiriel stuck a pin through the hem of the silvery dress and into the skin of her right thumb.

"Blast!" She cried in disgust. She was distracted with thoughts of Boromir. He had been delayed in Dol Amroth and sent word that he would be a few days late.

Corerith ran to her side and inspected the tiny wound, "You'll be all right, girl. I bargain it just took you by surprise. Come now, you don't want to bleed on your wedding gown. Go and wash up."

Hallahiriel walked over to the basin and poured some water from the jug. She looked out the window of her room and down to the gate. She turned away to reach for a clean cloth and heard the sound of a horse's hooves. She looked out the window anxiously and waited with bated breath until the horse and rider appeared in full few. Hallahiriel's breath caught in her lungs and swiftly ran out of her room and down the stairs.

Corerith flew after her in a fit of dismay, "Hallahiriel! There'll be no running in the house! What is wrong with you, girl?"

Faramir rose from his chair in the hall and eyed Corerith strangely, "What's the matter?"

Corerith shrugged and continued her pursuit of Hallahiriel. Faramir dropped the book that he was reading and followed suit. Outside, Hallahiriel called frantically, "Boromir!"

Boromir couldn't help but smile as he saw the young woman running toward him. He dismounted quickly and caught her up in his arms. Hallahiriel sprang into a leap and knocked Boromir clear off his feet and they both went tumbling to the ground. Hallahiriel fell on top of him and all the air left his body.

She gaped at him worriedly, "Oh! Boromir, I am sorry! Are you all right?"

Boromir struggled to regain his breath and looked at her hovering above him, her copper-colored hair caught the cold wind wildly. He mustered a smile and whispered hoarsely, "It's good to see you too, Halla."

She smiled sheepishly and helped him to sit up, "I have missed you, my lord."

Boromir nodded, "And I have missed you as well."

Hallahiriel stood and offered her hand to him. He accepted it gladly and stood before her. She looked up to him with a mischievous look in her eyes, "Are you not going to kiss me, my lord?"

Boromir raised an eyebrow to her in amusement, "Only if the lady insists."

Hallahiriel nodded and Boromir kissed her longingly. His arms pulled her to him tightly by the waist and Hallahiriel released a relieved whimper. All of her nerves and fears were dashed with one embrace.

Boromir took notice of her cold skin and pulled away gently, "Let's go inside, love. Or you'll surely catch your death. You should've worn a cloak, silly girl."

He covered Hallahiriel's shoulders with his arm and his own cloak and they made their way to the door where Faramir and Corerith waited for them. Corerith stifled a fit of laughter and Faramir merely grinned. He couldn't remember his brother ever acting this way.

As Boromir and Hallahiriel passed, Faramir nodded to his brother, "Good to have you home, Boromir."

Boromir chuckled and patted Faramir with his free hand, "It is good to be home, little brother."


Boromir and Faramir waited in the courtyard for the ceremony to begin. Both were dressed in the formal garb of the city with swords on their hips. Boromir looked about nervously and scanned the small party that came to watch the nuptials. Corerith, Denethor and Aethlien stood before them, as well as Imrahil and his wife who had journeyed from Dol Amroth with Hallahiriel's father in tow. Gweddyn had cleaned up his appearance and had not had a sip of drink in a month. Faramir turned to his brother curiously and saw him wring his hands. Faramir leaned toward him, "How are you faring, brother?"

"Well. I am doing very well." Boromir responded shakily.

Faramir nodded his head knowingly, "You are nervous."

"I am not."

"You are. You look as though you'll break into convulsions." Faramir noted with a happy tone.

Boromir looked around again, "Be honest with me, Faramir. Do I look ridiculous?"

Faramir laughed loudly, "You look fine, Boromir. You're just nervous. Everything will be fine. Soon the ceremony will commence, then the feast and then you and Halla will, er, retire."

Boromir's eyes widened and he nodded, "That's right."

Faramir nodded and patted his brother's back reassuringly. Soon the official appeared and the gate opened to reveal Hallahiriel in her silver- hued gown with long flowering sleeves. She wore her hair pulled away from her face and in long, burnished red-gold waves. A thin silver circlet rested on her brow and about her neck she wore the blue stone filigreed necklace of Finduilas, Boromir and Faramir's mother.

Boromir's heart jumped into his throat as he watched his bride approach. Faramir whispered to his brother, "Breathe, Boromir."


As the feast dwindled to a close, Hallahiriel eyed her husband curiously as he spoke with his brother and cousin, Prince Imrahil. She found herself in the company of her father, something that she had planned never to do. Yet, Gweddyn had changed miraculously.

"I'm proud of yeh, girl."

Hallahiriel raised an eyebrow to her father and nodded, "How so?"

Gweddyn shrugged and ruffled the hair on his balding head, "Yeh've made something of yehr self. Yeh married a good man, yeh did."

"Yes, he is a good man." Hallahiriel's eyes fell on Boromir as he laughed at something Faramir said. He caught her eye for a moment, excused himself from the conversation and walked to her side.

"Hallahiriel and I thank you all very much for attending, however, I fear that the evening must come to an end." Boromir took Hallahiriel by the hand and they bid their guests farewell. Prince Imrahil and his wife were the first to leave, soon followed by Corerith and Aethlien.

Denethor embraced his son and spoke gently to Hallahiriel, "I never thought this day would come, girl. You were the one that changed his mind on marriage. Perhaps you should work on changing his mind about children next."

Hallahiriel blushed furiously as Boromir bid his father goodnight. Gweddyn kissed Hallahiriel lightly on the cheek and nodded, "I know I didn't do right by yeh, Halla. Maybe someday yeh'll forgive me fer bein' such a dratted nit. I'll make it up to yeh."

Hallahiriel nodded solemnly and watched as her father hobbled out of the door. Faramir patted Boromir's shoulder and grinned, "Congratulations, brother. I am quite happy that I got to see this day."

"If it weren't for you, Faramir, this day would've probably never come." Boromir hugged his brother and then Faramir turned to Hallahiriel.

"I am glad to have you as a sister, Halla. I could not imagine our home without you."

Hallahiriel smiled warmly and kissed Faramir on the cheek, "Thank you, Faramir. You are my dear friend."

Faramir turned and walked to the door. He spun on his heel to give them one last look, "Do not worry about any responsibilities tomorrow. They have all been taken care of."

Boromir smiled, "Thank you, Faramir."

Faramir nodded and made his way through the door, shutting it soundly behind him. Boromir counted to ten and then scooped Hallahiriel up in his arms and proceeded to carry her upstairs. Hallahiriel giggled nervously and looked up at him, "I am perfectly capable of walking, Boromir."

"I just didn't want you to tire yourself. It has, after all, been a very long day." Boromir commented as they grew nearer to their quarters.

Hallahiriel pushed open the bedroom door for him and then wrapped her arms around his neck, "The day's not finished yet, dearest."

Boromir kissed her lips in a teasing manner, "That is very true."


A/N: That's the end of "My Fair Barmaid: A Comedy." Never you fear, Halla and Boromir will continue in the next story. I have plans and outlines for two more stories with Boromir, Hallahiriel and Faramir. Most of the second and the third will involve the cannon. I should have the new story up within a week. Please Read and Review and let me know what you think. I enjoy feedback and like to hear what my readers think should happen!

Love you all!

Leah P.

A Note to My Friends:

Angel of Harlem glad you liked the chappie, completely agree with Bono. But hey, I hear that U2 plans to tour 18 months from 2005-2006. That is a great thing! integrate_cos(2x) You are very worthy! Glad to hear you liked "Pygmalion" and "My Fair Lady!" Be sure to stick around! Spaci Ireth I am still looking for another film to Parody, I have lots of ideas but I may end up winging it! Diamond Took 3 What a good suggestion with Owynvan. He and Therassa will definitely show up again! Stay tuned! Bonnie Lass I want Boromir to survive, I have ideas to keep him alive hopefully they will fit nicely. Iona I've come to love Faramir very deeply. He is such a good character. Now I know what Tolkien meant when he said he did not plan to write him, but he "came walking through the woods of Ithilien,"or something of the like. The stories will be AU now. Mysteryscienceseed Cannon, sadness, parting check! All will figure into the next stories. Thanks for the kind words! I'm blushing!