A short project I've worked on for fun in between writing Scoundrels and Fear the Old Blood. Those stories will continue, rest assured, but if things should get slow (like they are now, unfortuantely), I'll make up to everyone with this. Tell me what you think, and I hope you all enjoy!
oOo
ATTENTION BROTHER!
Congratulations! After years of harrowing trials and tribulations, you are a new inductee of our glorious chapter! You have survived every test and obstacle, and made it through the Astartes augmentation process (mostly) unscathed! You are now a full battle-brother of the chapter, and as your chapter master, I couldn't be more proud!
However, brother, as a new inductee, there are many rules and various intricacies of life as a Space Marine that you still must learn. This list is a starting point of these rules. Please follow these rules to the letter, and bring glory to our chapter, our Primarch, and the Emperor!
AVE IMPERATOR!
1. No longer allowed to get into "my dad is better than your dad" arguments with other gene lines.
2. The chapter serfs do not like being referred to as "expendable", even if they are.
3. No longer allowed to call Guardsmen "cute".
4. The motto of the Black Templars is "No remorse, no pity, no fear", not "No humor, no parties, no fun."
5. No longer allowed to co-opt Tau sayings for Imperial use.
6. Playing liturgical music or prayerful chants over the Rhino's loudspeaker while driving into battle is fine. Playing We Like to Party! is not.
7. No longer allowed to unfavorably compare the Iron Hands to Mechanicus skitarii.
8. No longer allowed to store radioactive material in the barracks, even if you are an Astartes and it doesn't really affect you.
9. No longer allowed to call in close air support missions on lone Eldar rangers because it's funny to watch them panic.
10. No longer allowed to ask the Ultramarines why their chapter's primary color isn't ultramarine.
11. No longer allowed to take the Thunderhawks for joyrides.
12. No longer allowed to invite the Raven Guard over to play hide-and-seek. We just found Brother-Sergeant Sharrow in the Fortress Monastery's ventilation ducts after he'd been reported MIA for two years.
13. Don't play cards with the Librarians. Trust me, it's not worth it.
14. No longer allowed to bench-press your brothers after you max out the weight training machines.
15. Ignoring Commissars who try to give you orders is acceptable. Laughing in their faces is not.
16. No longer allowed to go out drinking with the Space Wolves.
17. No longer allowed to take drink recommendations from the Space Wolves.
18. No longer allowed to invite the Space Wolves over for a feast. We're still repairing the Fortress Monastery's main mess hall.
19. No longer allowed to learn Sister of Battle-oriented pickup lines from the Space Wolves.
20. No longer allowed to repeat anything the Space Wolves say about the Inquisition.
21. Just… No longer allowed to go near the Space Wolves, period.
22. No longer allowed to sell t-shirts with the Primarch's face on it to raise money for the chapter.
23. Stop, drop, and roll will not save you if you find yourself going up against Trazyn the Infinite.
24. If you do find yourself meeting Trazyn, I wish you all the best in your next life as a museum exhibit. I hope you enjoy meditating.
25. No longer allowed to appeal to mankind's base instincts on recruitment posters.
26. No longer allowed to keep Imperial Guardsmen as pets.
27. Even if you do care for them.
28. Even if they prefer it over their previous life.
29. Cypher is not a real person, he does not exist, and you have never seen him. That is exactly what you'll be telling the Dark Angels Interrogator Chaplains if they ask you.
30. No longer allowed to prank your brothers by signing them up for Deathwatch service without their knowledge.
31. Space Marines are sterile and unconcerned with any sort of romantic love. Thus, you do not need to know how mortals mate.
32. The Blood Angels politely ask that you ignore the incident on Taarus and any of their number in solid black. They have it well under control, thank you very much.
33. No longer allowed to use large explosions as a meditative device.
34. Even if the rest of the Imperium does benefit, no longer allowed to trick Cato Sicarius and Watch Captain Artemis into fighting each other.
35. Offering to throw the planetary governor into orbit after his latest idiocies was amusing. Actually carrying out that threat with a homemade catapult is toeing the line.
36. "The greatest enemy the Imperium of Man faces today" is Chaos, not the Administratum.
37. Meeting Lord Commander Dante does not automatically grant seniority.
38. Yes, Brother Tycho is a remarkably loyal, calm, and competent Marine, but you are no longer allowed to steal Cawl's stores of Traitor gene-seed when we run low on our own.
39. The Librarians are no longer allowed to use mind-control to make the mortals do choreographed dance routines.
40. No longer allowed to do anything that would make Asdrubial Vect cry.
41. If a Vindicare assassin asks you if love can bloom on the battlefield, your answer is a resounding no.
42. The Techmarines are no longer allowed to go to Stygies VIII for any reason whatsoever.
43. No longer allowed to create a barbeque so large with the Salamanders that the resulting smoke can be seen from orbit.
44. No longer allowed to strap missile racks onto your jetpacks.
45. The Librarians are no longer allowed to telepathically project themselves into the Warp to get Ahriman's autograph.
46. No longer allowed to get into staring contests with the sons of Dorn. They'll win every time.
47. No longer allowed to prank the Reclusiarch by filling his armor's filters with helium.
48. No longer allowed to make melta/plasma combi weapons. Your brothers prefer you un-exploded.
49. No longer allowed to challenge the enemy commander to gentlemanly fistcuffs at dawn.
50. No longer allowed to ask the Chief Apothecary if it's possible to make Ratling Space Marines.
oOo
There we have it! I hope you all enjoyed. There will be mroe of this in the future. If anyone is wondering which chapter this is, it's an unnamed sucessor chapter of your choosing. Nothing in specific. I always appreciate any comments, criticisms, questions, concerns, and reviews!