"Do you think 'Most Likely to Get Turned into a Green Blob' was always one of her career aspirations?"

- A question about Kasumi from Dead or Alive

"Watch your back. And your front. And both sides."

- Vipper

"Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty."

- Derek Zoolander

"Amazing chest ahead."

- The message some wiseass put on the floor in front of Gwynevere's room

"Death be like: 'Waltuh, i came for your soul Waltuh'"

"Waltuh put your holy cross away."

- A different Reddit thread where someone was suggesting they should make a live action Castlevania series using Breaking Bad actors

"Michiru. When I came to you with those calculations, we thought we might be designing games… that would be unplayable on any other console?"

"Hmm. I remember it well. What of it?"

"I believe they are."

- Igaheimer on why there will never be a Castlevania DS Collection

Queen Jammerella was quite thrilled and quite filled with this squirming kicking green juicy thingy stuck in her bodily mass. The poor thing was whipping her golden hip scarf around in a vicious frenzy as she fought for her life, but her fate (and her pores) were already sealed the moment she made a misstep in one of her silly owl-assisted dive kicks and wound up completely submerged in royal ectoplasm.

The slime matron giggled and groaned as she awkwardly shifted her weight with the grace of a three-story-tall water balloon filled with molten metal. It had been a tough fight, but she'd feel much better once she absorbed all of her captive's vital human-juices. She was replenishing her strength after a long workout, while her opponent taking her final bath.

Jammerella was bored of spending her whole immortal existence as a towering amorphous titan, where just getting through some of the doors of castle was an exhausting phase-shifting process, and she looked forward to becoming a one-time-use Maria converter.

She had escaped her own giant alchemy beaker with ease, but this nimble curly-haired maiden wasn't going to be so lucky escaping the alchemy goddess's voluptuous and nebulously-defined anatomy. It was like a being a single gold and emerald feather trapped in the center of a very soft and very inviting pillow. No humorous assortment of fluttering owls and ill-tempered fuzzy animals could overcome the might of Jammerella once she surrounded the enemy from every angle and every crevice. And owls and fuzzy arms were definitely the only things she had to contend with in this battle, without a single palm laser in sight, because the author would never let this situation happen to the superior Saturn version of Maria.

"Don't be so scared, my darling girl," the queen of all pulp chuckled down to the terrified mortal thing struggling below her gently sopping ripples. "You're different from any other pest I'd dissolve in an instant. I just want your beauty. Your speed. Your grace. Your internal body temperature. After seeing what you're packing in that tiny frame of yours, I've decided I'm incomplete without you."

For Maria, it was a harrowing fight for her very soul. For Jammerella, it was just a small tummy ache that would be gone in a few more seconds.

Oxygen bubbles floated up and tickled the inside of Jammerella's thick neck as the captive made an even more frantic attempt to swim out her living prison. But that was okay. She was free to waste all her energy for a hopeless cause. Soon asphyxiation would set in. Soon she'd give up all the uncomfortable fighting and she'd grow very sleepy. Soon she'd be drowning in the queen's royal matter. Soon she'd be a dead carcass filled with nutrients, which was quick and easy on the queen's amoebic digestive system.

The bell in the old castle clocktower struck 13 o'clock when the captive's lungs were clogged with sentient pulsating ooze and her heart stopped. Finally, the hour of Maria's unsolidification was at hand and Jammerella was freely swelling into every available orifice. Frilly embroidered blouses and thin acrobatic shorts offered little protection from millennia of glowing noble sludge. Mortal body and demon body inhabited each other to an extent where they became indistinguishable.

The texture of the queen's slimy anatomy turned darker until it was almost opaque black. Now she was a living round beaker with the silhouette of a defeated Maria suspended in her arcane chemicals.

She closed her clear emerald eyes with relief. The silhouette gradually vanished from her inner darkness, but not like dead prey breaking down into bile and bones. It was more like an enchanting mirage vanishing in a dim green sandstorm. She playfully burped once the uncomfortable part was all finished.

The slime started to gently recede as her demonic genes linked together with the fresh new genes she'd just absorbed. Normally her body tore apart any foreign biological matter it encountered and turned the raw proteins into more magical energy, but this process was very different. She was conceiving her new self and turning into her new self at the same time.

Jammerella's anatomy drastically shrank into the shape of a quivering cocoon no taller than an average man. She shrank down even further, until she was about five feet tall and her slimefalls turned into arms and legs on a feminine hourglass frame. A single pulsating nucleus controlled everything from the center of her head.

The queen's watery voice warbled in soft laughter as she stood on two light, springy feet for the first time. When the arcane symbiosis was finished, she took the slender and well-developed form of a very green, very hollow, very translucent, and very naked Maria Renard.

Jammaria looked at the slab of flesh and bone the dark priest Shaft was wearing with a hint of envy on her dripping jade face. They were high in the royal booth overlooking the castle's arena, whispering their depraved plans to each other as they waited for the arrival of their "special guest." The Lord of the Manor's eyes steadily beamed red. Her eyes constantly twinkled green.

"Richter," as he was biologically called, sat on an ornate chair with his legs crossed and his palm clutching the bottom of a glass chalice. He took a swig at the end of every other sentence, vicariously becoming more drunk at the amusement of the phantom possessing him. It smelled like a hearty red brandy. Jammaria considered taking a sip for herself, but it would have just leaked out of her.

"You're more reliable than I thought, Jammerella. You certainly made a mess out of that hunting wench," the possessed Richter said to the gelatinous Maria.

"Are you disappointed I stole her shape for myself? Angry I didn't just kill her for you?" The plasma demon smiled coyly.

"I could care less how you resolved her." Richter absentmindedly waved his empty hand. "The important thing is there's one less fox trying to burrow in my castle."

Jammaria glimpsed away for a moment, lowering her voice almost like she was embarrassed. It was all part of her act.

"I do feel a little strange like this. Like maybe I inherited some of her nasty instincts for burrowing into places."

She slowly gazed toward Richter again, with her grin subtly returning.

"Or maybe I'm just remembering how I always felt about you, back when we had all those fun adventures together."

The spirit controlling Richter's flesh was caught off guard by the slime queen's increasing advances. She stretched over the front of his seat (a move that was very easy to do in her new form) until she practically rocking in his lap like he was a depraved Saint Nicholas and she was one of his demented little helpers.

"I want you inside me," was all the queen would whisper in shy desperation. But that was all she needed to whisper. The Lord of the Manor smiled enticingly and let his underling have him any way she liked.

Jammaria straddled her soluble green mass even closer toward his solid flesh. She impatiently pulled his jacket collar apart so she could gently slurp on the fibers in his neck with her liquid lips. She slowed down after a few minutes and lifted her head again, letting her determined eyes became fixed on his dazed and enamored eyes. Her voice lost its shy quality and became more commanding.

"On second thought, I'd feel better inside you."

She grabbed the back of his long brown mane and thrusted his lips against hers before he even had a chance to ask her what she meant. The only sounds he managed to get out were "Mmm…. Aahhm…"

Jammaria began to lose her Maria shape and revert into an indistinct gelatinous heap. Richter's mouth never lost contact with her shrinking mass the whole time they were kissing. Every ounce of her physical being slipped down his throat like smooth lime pudding, all the way until there was nothing of her left. The very last drop of her splashed deep within him and tickled the inside of his lap.

For the first few seconds, he was able to house the slime queen's entire essence rather happily. Dare say, it even seemed to feel good, like being filled with a warm meal just after some even warmer lovemaking. But his euphoric expression quickly changed to one of terror, and the warmth inside of him grew hotter and hotter until every inch of his insides felt like they were blistering with lava.

He convulsed in his seat as excessive green ooze started to seep out of his mouth, his nose, his ears, and his eyes. He frantically stumbled to his feet to get away from the agony, but there was no escaping the infectious disease flooding his veins. He only made it ten feet away from the throne, and he nearly flung himself over the arena balcony in his frenzy.

And then all the pent-up pressure caused him to explode. For the first split second it was thick red mist, then it instantly expanded into a dazzling green supernova. Fragments of a mortal man's body crumpled to the marble floor while the more powerful ecto-residue slow rained down.

Jammaria's particles congealed out of a puddle of Richter steak and reformed into her very comfortable Maria-shaped body. Her green imitation hair clung to her joyful face like she had just stepped out of a fresh shower.

"Hmph. Mortals are such pathetic things. I guess he wasn't even strong enough to contain two souls in the same husk."

The air around her suddenly went ice cold and gained an ancient rotting smell. She didn't need to wonder why.

"Putrid blight! You just destroyed my key to ruling the physical world!" the wispy voice of Shaft's ghost shouted from a void behind her. She started to turn around and face what was left of the old wizard. This was his third death in the past five years.

"Ehh, your bag of bones would have made a crusty Terror King anyway."

The fine imitation muscles in her shoulder blades shrugged in disinterest. She gracefully twisted her translucent middle ripples so her rounded sparkling bosom and her shining plump behind were both presenting toward him. Her right eyelid winked.

"This castle needs a Queen who's a lot more… flexible. Heh."

"He won't be happy that you've muddled his plans. Turning Belmont to our side was vital to making all the fools of this world lose their hope." The hovering phantom of the high priest warned. Jammaria just obliterated their strongest playing card as a cheap parlor trick, and rebellion between the Demon Lords was the last thing Dracula wanted.

"Muddling is what I'm good for." The alluring Maria-abomination dripped cheerfully. "Just think of this as a vacation, Lord Shaft. He wants a physical Agent of Chaos to carry out his wrath, and I'm just the kind of lady you can fit into any role."

The plasma demoness pointed at herself playfully with her thumb. The tip of her nail sank an inch into her glossy full-figured bosom.

"Very well…" the dead priest sighed hesitantly and breathlessly. "I'm sure you'll do a fine job keeping the throne warm… and polished. I'll be on the Nether side if you need help from any of my familiars."

"Thanks, but I caught my own," Jammaria shook her head while she smiled. The corroded symbols for Suzaku, Seiryuu, Byakko, and Genbu flashed in the transparent prison space that used to be her heart.

Shaft's ghost mumbled something into the dark air that may have been an ancient arcane spell, or just a petty insult toward his colleague. He disappeared into his void without further complaint.

Jammaria's slippery bare feet padded across the carpet and stopped in front of the abandoned throne. The nimble ecto-huntress used the armrests like Georgian era gymnastic bars to lift herself up, rotate her small frame, and weightlessly set her mass into the seat like it was personally made for her.

She crossed her legs until they partially merged into a single mermaid fin. She cupped her elegant right hand under her chin, while reshaping her left hand into a green crystal ball at the end of her arm. The nucleus in her head flickered as she spied on the trespasser making his way toward the castle arena, and she quietly pondered.

"My, my. Now what to do about you, Prince Alucard. I suppose you won't be drinking any blood out of this varmint." The queen giggled ominously to herself. "Well, I guess we'll see how much you like the taste of sour grapes."

Author's note 1: Slime girls. They're brutal, yo.

Author's note 2: You've been to Saturn? I've been to Saturn. Whoa, sandworms. You hate 'em, right?

Author's note 3: Fushigi Gooey.

Author's note 4: I was trying to depict my evil diabolical XXL demon waifu with a "jolly and jiggly" personality type, with just a hint of Daniella from Haunting Ground. The kind of gal who just "goes with the flow" as they say, and she doesn't let silly things like object permanence bother her. Did I do an okay job defining her character? Can you tell that's what she's supposed to be? Jolly and jiggly?

Author's note 4: Isn't it great how I'm at a stage where every time I write a new fanfic, I have an entire section in my notes devoted to talking about other times I wrote fanfics?

Author's note 5: I've been replaying the GBA collection games for the past couple of weeks. Is it just me, or is Juste's whip-charging ability very Saturn Maria-inspired? The animation for his fully charged swing even looks like Maria's blue spiral laser when she's fully charged.

Author's note 6: What kinda boss name is "Max Slimer" anyway?

Author's note 7: I'm starting to really like that "Fushigi Gooey" pun the more I think about it. I'm proud I came up with that. It's right up there with "Teito Miyu."

Author's note 8: I'm only gonna remind you one more time. Saturn SotN Maria does a quick shoulder tackle across the screen and ends with a little kung-fu flip for her dash animation. DXC SotN Maria drags her butt on the ground like a heavy-bootied bimbo for her dash animation. You shouldn't get the two of them confused.

Author's note 9: Sometimes it's just the Metallic Rouge theme song, y'know? Sometimes you just gotta be a 2024 J-Pop song styled as a 1989 New Jack Swing song, y'know? (Bobby Brown is losing his mind over my repeated attempts to mash Ghostbusters together with Muv-Luv and Mai HiME.)

Author's note 10: I'm sorry I lost control a little bit in Note #9. (Now I feel like Nao in "Slaughter & Schoolgirls")

Author's note 11: Oh God I'm doing the self-referential thing again. I really need to stop that.