Title: Here me now

Disclaimer:  No own, no rights, please don't think me a thief – only borrowing.

Summary: Lex's feelings about Clark.

A/N: 2nd Smallville fic.  Tell me if you like.  Silently think I suck.  This is going to be a two parter –next up – Clark's feelings about Lex. 

Song Credit:  Matchbox 20, More than you think you are –Downfall.

I wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think of me
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me?
I want you to be uneased
I want you to remember
I want you to believe in me
I want you on my side
Come on and lay it down
I've always been with you
Here and now
Give all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall

Life, I find, can often be divided into different categories.  It can be charted, labeled by key events, important discoveries, defining figures.  My life is no different.  It can be divided into two categories, by one key event, one important discovery and one defining figure –Clark Kent.  My life pre-Clark Kent (which would be the first category) was filled with empty ambition.  I was on the fast track to destruction.  Either I was going to become my father or kill myself.  (One arguably no better than the other.)  I would have if not for Clark.  But when Clark entered my life dramatically like some misguided angel, everything changed.  It may seem unlikely but the first person to ever look at me was Clark Kent.  Certainly the only one to ever look and like what he saw.  To my father I was merely a pawn.  A lump of clay to mold into his image like a god would.  To others I was either a freak or a paycheck.  The only one who ever loved me was my mother.  And well- those memories hurt more than they help sometimes.  Because really who wants to think about something they can never get back.  Unconditional love can only be offered by few in this world.  I had mine. She is gone. 

So when Clark saved me –looked at me- he became to me this presence.  Not just a friend, not merely an object of affection, not only an obsession.  He was more to me.  Better.  And enough.  I look at him sometimes and I know I love him.  Purely.  That nothing will ever stop that.  Nothing he could say (or not say), nothing I could do.  I love Clark Kent.  And even though I know I will always love him or maybe because I know that I worry that I'll lose him somehow.  To Lana, to his parents that don't trust me, to my own greed.  I worry that I will never have him for the same reasons.  Because let's face it –he is Clark Kent.  He's tall, dark, handsome.  He's studious, strong, kind.  He wants to play football, and study journalism and finish his chores.  He wants the girl next door and one day he will have the white picket fence.  I do no fit in his life.  He does not want me. 

I look at her sometimes and I can't help but hate her.  He thinks her perfect with her long hair and her pert breasts.  Her eager eyes and her innocent heart.  The anti-me.  We share the same initials and nothing else.  She has no dark side.  No absolute power will ever corrupt her.  Life may dull her shine but he will never notice.  She is his obsession.  And I cannot compete with that.  I do not try.  Because even though she possesses a large part of him –she does not have it all.  No for some strange reason he saw fit to give me a piece as well. He may never love me the way I love him but we do have a connection.  And I would not lose it for the world.  So I hide my Lana hatred.  I try hard to give him no reason to take my piece away.  I wish I knew what he likes about me.  So I could cultivate that part.  Make it bigger –stronger- all I am.  Sometimes I say something or do something and he will smile at me.  1000 watt Clark smile and I will try to remember what I did, what I said, how I said it.  But I never can.  I have to simply continue and hope that he continues to enjoy my company.  He seems too.  Even when we do nothing –he seems to enjoy himself.  I please him.  And I may not know why but I am glad just the same.   

So as I continue to live this second part of my life –post-Clark- I try to enjoy all the differences that one key figure can bring.  He is my savior.  Pardon me if your religion thinks that blasphemous.  The word is defined simply as one who saves, preserves, or delivers from destruction or danger.  No better word can describe him.  I will always hope that I can one day return the favor.  But I fear I won't.  I know nothing of nobility, despite my heritage.  I wouldn't know how to even begin to be the good guy.  So I will play my role in this life, in his.  And hope that through me he can find acceptance, peace, a place to rest from obligation.  He is my hero but I do not expect him to be perfect the way they do.  Chloe, Pete, Lana – his parents, they all expect him to maintain this persona he has created.  I do not care.  And because of that they –his parents openly, his friends secretly – disapprove of our relationship.  They do not understand it.  They fear it.  Because they think I could be his downfall.