DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY
Chapter One
An Unfortunate Accident
"Rinoa, I really don't want to do this," Zell complained. "Can't you get Squall or Irvine. Selphie maybe?"

Rinoa shook her head and grinned. "Sorry, Zelly. I've already asked everybody. You're the only one not doing anything right now. You're not afraid of me, are you?"

"Of course not!" he said as a blush spread across his cheeks. Truth be told, he was afraid of her. Last week, she'd convinced Irvine to go with her to the training center, and she'd accidentally turned him into a giant purple frog for half an hour before she figured out how to change him back. And poor Irvine, for the last week, he'd been croaking at random intervals without meaning to. Whenever he opened his mouth, a 'ribbit!' was inevitable. People had been stalking him all week, just to hear him croak like a frog. His reputation as a ladies man was ruined. What girl wanted a guy who said things like, "I ribbit you," and "Hey there gorgeous, how about the two of us go somewhere and ribbit, ribbit, ribbit?"

The truth was, Rinoa's magic was out of control, and sometimes, things went terribly, terribly wrong. Zell had a bad feeling about this. He no more wanted to train with Rinoa than he wanted to fight a PCP snorting Seifer armed with two gunblades. It just wasn't a good idea.

"You don't have to do anything except spar with me. That's all I ask. Put up a good fight and I'll try not to hurt you too much," she said as they entered the training center. "Now quit complaining."

"I don't know about this. After what you did to Irvine . . ."

"That was an accident, and I changed him back, didn't I?" she said. "Cooperate and I'll buy you a hotdog."

Zell wanted to tell her to stuff it, but the offer of a hotdog was tempting. It had been a month since he'd gotten his hands on one. "I want two."

"You're a cheap date, Zell. I figured you would have asked for more than two."

"Five, then," he said, realizing his mistake. He probably could have gotten far more out of the bargain if he'd thought about it, but he hadn't. The temptation had been too great. Depravation will do that to a body.

"Nope. You said two. A deal is a deal," Rinoa gloated.

"Crap," Zell swore. "All right. Two, but if you turn me into something weird, I will insist you buy me ten hot dogs."

Rinoa thought for a moment, then nodded. "Fair enough."

The training center was deserted. Zell was thankful for that. How embarrassing it might be if anyone were to see him transformed into a lizard or a duck or something equally humiliating. "Let's get this over with," he said, resigned to the fact that he'd just committed himself to an impending disaster.

Rinoa began the fight by casting Aero, of which Zell had junctioned to his Life stat. All it did was heal him, and it did him no good because he hadn't been injured. Yet. There was still no telling what Rinoa might do to him, if only by accident.

Zell retaliated with a front sweep and knocked Rinoa on her backside with a heavy thud.

"Chicken-wuss, didn't your mommy teach you not to pick on girls?"

Zell didn't even need to see the speaker to know who it was. His face screwed up into a scowl and he spun around, irritated. He'd asked Seifer repeatedly not to call him 'Chicken-wuss.' Zell Dincht was not a chicken, and he was no wuss either. The nick-name didn't even make sense. "How about I pick on you instead, lapdog?"

"Do yourself a favor and stick to what you know, which is how to fight like a girl," Seifer said and he twirled his gunblade in the air. Zell wanted to wipe the cocky grin off Seifer's face. "There's absolutely no way you'd beat me in a fight."

Zell had long been looking for an opportunity to make Seifer eat crow. It looked like today was the day. He lifted his fists and grinned as he swung his fists at the air. "Is that a challenge?"

He didn't get a chance to prove Seifer wrong. Rinoa patterned her hand in the air. "Meteor!" she cried.

Zell turned toward the sound of her voice and cringed. Meteor was one spell he did not have junctioned, and he badly wished he did. Meteor was no joke. The last time someone had cast that particular spell on him, he'd been KO'ed and had spent three days in the infirmary recovering.

Nothing happened. He looked up at the sky, curious. No fireballs from the heavens came his way.

"I think I messed that one up," Rinoa said, looking perplexed. "Huh?"

Zell returned his attention to Seifer, and did a double take. He'd never thought people actually did that, but for the first time, Zell had to look twice. He looked at Seifer. Looked again.

And laughed.

Seifer had been transformed into a woman, and quite an attractive one. Instead of his short, spiky do, is hair was a cascade of golden curls that fell past his shoulders in lustrous waves that any model would envy. He was dressed in a pair of tight fitting black daisy dukes that accentuated his long legs and a white tank top that accentuated the most perfect pair of boobies that Zell had ever seen. All Zell could do was point and laugh.

Beside him, Rinoa giggled. A little at first, then she began to howl with laughter.

Seiferette was not amused. He didn't seem to understand why they were laughing at him, and his pretty face twisted into an ugly scowl. "What the hell is so funny?" he demanded. His voice was different. Soft, low but most definitely feminine.

Zell wiped the tears of hysteria from his eyes. "You're a . . . ha ha ha, you're . . . ha ha ha!"

"I'm a what?!" he insisted.

Rinoa collapsed to the ground, rolling with insane laughter, which only made Zell laugh harder.

"What, is my fly open? My dick hanging out? What?!" Seifer demanded as he flung out his arms and looked down at himself, as if to check to see if that was the case.

Then, he froze, his arms still flung out in an absurd gesture that made tears spring into Zell's eyes once again. He knew he was wishing for death, for once Seifer realized what had happened, he would certainly murder the both of them, but he didn't care. He wished he had a camera, something to immortalize the moment forever. Not that this was something he would forget.

"What the fuck?" Seifer mumbled, staring down at his legs. He stuck one out and felt it. Stuck the other one out and did the same thing. Then he felt the waist band of his shorts, tugged at them and gawked as if he'd never seen a pair of short shorts before. "What the hell is going on? Where are my pants?"

Rinoa was sobbing on the ground beside Seifer. "Oh Dear Hyne!" she cried, "thank you for granting me this moment! I am forever in your debt!" And then she dissolved into giggles again, clutching her stomach and kicking her feet against the ground.

Seifer's hands began to wander upward. When they found the enormous breasts there, he squeezed. Once, twice, three times he groped himself and then he paled. He squeezed again and looked down. "HOLY SHIT!" he cried. "You gave me boobs!"

Rinoa began to laugh so hard, not a sound came out of her as she writhed on the ground, near hysteria.

"One of you better fix this, or else," Seiferette growled as he surged forward and grabbed both of them. "I'm serious. Fix this or you're both dog food."

Zell's throat and stomach ached. He couldn't even manage a reply to Seiferett's threat. All he could do was laugh.

"I don't . . . I don't know . . .ha ha . . . how!" Rinoa giggled. "And I can't . . . he he he . . . when I'm . . .l . . .ha . . . laughing!"

Seiferette let go of them and drew his gunblade. He pressed it against Rinoa's throat. "Is this enough motivation for you to stop?" he asked.

Still giggling, Rinoa nodded.

Seiferette hauled Rinoa to her feet and took a step back. "All right, fix it. And stop laughing. This isn't funny."

Rinoa dissolved into giggles again. She tried to calm herself, tried her hardest not to smile, but the corner of her mouth began to twitch, and then the other began to twitch and she laughed out loud. "Seifer, I can't!" she cried, howling with laughter.

"I don't want to hear I can't."

"I don't know how I did it, so I don't know how to undo it," she said, managing to control her giggles.

"You'd better figure it out before someone sees me like this."

"Well, I can try but I can't guarantee I won't change you into something worse," she said.

"Like a frog," Zell reminded him.

"Damn it, Rinoa fix it!"

For the next hour, Rinoa attempted to undo what she'd done with no success. Seiferette had been pounded by hail, swept away by wind, drenched in water, coated in a nasty greenish goo that resembled snot, and pulverized by meteorites several times over, but nothing she tried worked. She was exhausted and beginning to lose hope that she could fix the damage she'd done.

"I hate to tell you this, Seifer, but there's nothing I can do," she said wearily as she took a seat on the ground. "I'm all out of ideas."

"Keep trying!" he insisted. "I can't walk around with these things on my chest! Do you know what that will do to my reputation?"

"Yelling at me is not going make this go any better, Seifer," Rinoa said. "I'm tired. I need to rest before I try again."

"So what am I supposed to do? Deal with it until you're ready?"

"Yeah," she said and crossed her arms. "Unless you want me to keep pounding you with meteors all day."

Seiferette let out a string of explictives that contrasted twisted his lovely lips into something ugly.

"Nice girls don't talk like that, you know," Zell said and chuckled. The initial hilarity of the situation had worn off, but he was still quite amused and couldn't keep himself from laughing out loud from time to time.

"I'm not a girl."

"Well, pal, you really ought to take a look in the mirror."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Seiferette asked.

"Dude, you're a girl."

Explictives again.

"Seifer will you control yourself?" Rinoa asked. "It's not the end of the world. It might wear off in a few hours. All you have to do is lay low until it does or until I figure out a solution. In the mean time, if anyone asks, you're Seifer's long lost sister from Galbadia."

That seemed to calm Seiferette somewhat, though he was still quite upset. "What's my name?" he asked after a moment.

"Seiferia," Rinoa said.

"Seiferia?!"

"Can you think of anything better?" Rinoa asked, insulted that he'd dislike her suggestion.

"How about Seiferette?" Zell suggested, then began to giggle again.

"Shut it, chicken-wuss!"

"Sorry, this is just too damned funny. Can't help myself."

"Whatever!" Seifer cried in his girlie voice. "Seiferia is fine. It's just temporary right?"

Rinoa nodded slowly, though she looked skeptical. "Just temporary."

"All right. But you two have to swear to me that this goes no further than the three of us, or so help me I will make you suffer for the rest of your lives."



Seifer could not believe what had just happened. He was still in shock over the two huge mountains that dominated his chest. As he walked along the corridor to his dorm room, he couldn't help but reach up and squeeze one of them. Boobs. He had boobs. Right there, on his chest. They got in his way when he walked. His arms bumped against them with each step. They bounced with each step. How the hell was he supposed to deal with this until Rinoa figured out a way to fix it?

"Woooh! Pretty mama!" someone behind him called. "What's your name baby?"

After a second, he realized the young man was speaking to him. A hot blush spread across his cheeks and he walked faster, not wanting to be seen. Hyne help him if someone recognized him.

"Wait up, baby!"

Seifer glanced behind him. It was that damned cowboy. Great. Just freaking great. He picked up the pace, but the cowboy caught up with him.

"Wow, you look good from every angle!" the cowboy said.

"Fuck off," Seifer told him.

"Feisty too!," Irvine said. "Say, what's your name, pretty lady? You look kind of ribbit, um, I mean familiar."

"Don't you have a girlfriend, cowboy?" he asked annoyed that he didn't get the hint.

"Who, me? No, of course not. Ribbit. So what's your name?"

"None of your business."

Not put off by Seifer's evasiveness, Irvine grinned. "Playing hard to get, eh? I like a challenge."

"Well I don't, so why don't you piss off?" He could feel his nerves wearing thin, and under normal circumstances, he might have punched the cowboy out, but these weren't normal circumstances. He didn't want to make a scene, he just wanted to go back to his room and hide out until the problem could be fixed.

"Ohhh, I get it. You've got a boyfriend in the dorms."

"No, I'm going to my room."

"Well, sweet heart, you're going the wrong way."

Shit. He hadn't thought of that. How the hell was he going to get past the front desk at the dorms looking like he did? Not that he knew what he looked like, but he knew he had boobs. He knew he sounded like a girl when he talked. There was no way he was going to fool anyone into letting him into the boy's dorm. No way in hell.

Abruptly, he turned around and headed for the girl's dormitory. It might give him a little bit of pleasure to inconvenience Rinoa for a while. After all, it was her fault.

"Ribbit!" the cowboy called after him.

He breezed past the desk in the girl's dormitory without so much as a glance. He couldn't remember which room Rinoa was in, so he was forced to look at the name plates on each door. He found it in minutes and was pleased to learn that she had a private suite. He pounded on the door until Rinoa answered.

"Something wrong?" she asked, trying in vain to hide a smile.

"Well, among other things, I can't get into my room. I'm gonna crash here until you come up with something."

"But . . . " she protested. Seifer pushed past her and into the room. He looked around and scowled. There were pictures of Squall everywhere. And teddybears. Everywhere, freaking teddybears. He'd never understood why girls were so obsessed with them. Teddybears were stupid. They didn't do anything, there was no purpose to them.

"If you don't mind, I'll take the bed."

"Seifer, this is my room. You can't just come in here and order me around."

He smiled down at her. "Yes, I can. Until you fix what you've done to me, you are my slave. Get it? Now, I have to take a leak. Where's the bathroom?"

Rinoa pointed to one of the two closed doors and covered her mouth to hide a toothy grin.

Seifer entered the bathroom and pulled the door shut behind him. He unbuttoned his shorts and pulled them down, then stood before the commode to relieve himself. He reached for his dumbstick and couldn't find it. He reached again. Couldn't find it.

It was gone. And he'd pissed all over his shorts. Urine ran down his legs and into his socks. "SHIT!" he bellowed and punched the wall behind the toilet.

He flipped the lid down, sat down on it and yanked his soiled shoes and socks off. When he looked up, he was staring into a full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. What he saw there made him scream.

His scream could be heard from one end of the Garden to the other.





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Notes
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Am I officially insane yet? I am a sick and twisted little girl.

I don't know if this is funny or not, but the idea hit me earlier today while at work and I couldn't stop giggling. I don't know if anyone's done this yet, but I hope not. If I stole somebody's idea, I apologize. It was just to amusing to not write it. I remember reading something a while back about Squall and Selphie switching places, but this isn't the same thing.

Review. Flame. What the hell, do what you want.