Characters' Lament

Summary: The characters of Pokemon rant about the generally awful condition of the fics in their fandom.

A/N: Maureen, one of the reviewers of "To Arms!", mentioned starting a mob and lynching all the "crapfic authors" (great idea, BTW). I started thinking about Pokemon badfic and began to wonder just how the characters would react to their treatment in the realm of bad grammar and weak plots known as fanfiction. This was the result.

            As an added note, I know that I'm probably (check—definitely) going to get flamed for this, but if you get offended by the "characters'" opinions, you're just supporting the crap clogging up this site. Really, don't you get tired of wading through countless inane stories to find one worth reading? 'Cause I sure as hell do.

            One more quick note: all the characters are narrating through their 'older' personas; it would be a lot more boring if a twelve-year-old Ash was bemoaning the general lack of quality in fics.

Disclaimer: Pokemon belongs to Nintendo, Game Freak, 4Kids, and probably some other people I'm forgetting. In any case, it's not mine.

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CHAPTER ONE: ASH

            As the (human) star of Pokemon and half of what is arguably the most popular 'ship' in the fandom, I've been one of the main targets of "crapfics". The fics I've been featured in generally fall into three categories: A) fics chronicling my various journeys to different gyms, towns, etc; B) fics where I'm basically a supporting player to the author's own self-insert/"new" character; and C) the most popular category—those mushy-gooey-lovey-dovey fics starring me and my "other half"—Misty.

            The stories about things I'm actually into, like battles and stuff, are actually not too numerous—which is a really good thing, 'cause as thrilling as battles are in real life, they are boring as hell to read about. Besides, it's not like I'm actually gettin' the friggin' badge, so why go through all the motions of it?

            The second category concerns those far-too-nicely labeled "new trainer" fics; I'd have settled for "not even vaguely interesting, two-dimensional character that no one really gives a shit about" fics. But that's just me. Anyway, thank whatever benevolent being you believe in for small miracles—most NT fics don't even bother to feature me in the first place anymore. I guess I should be a little insulted; I dunno. Right now I'm just thankful. (Oh, and while we're on the topic, the god of Pokemon fanfic—Ace Sanchez—wrote a friggin' hilarious send-up of the aforementioned fics. You can read it at his site: . While you're there, check out—if you haven't already—the epic "Pokemon Master". I kick such righteous ass.)

            I've been holding back a bit from the last category, mainly because it's so huge, popular…and often horrifically sucky that I'm left wondering if these authors are under the age of four or just completely incapable of writing anything coherent.

            Okay, I'm no genius. I just found out last week that OPEC is not, as I had previously believed, a denture adhesive. But even I know that ten-year-olds are not going to go up to someone and gush about their "feelings". Maybe I'm not indicative of the normal, hormonal teenage guy (*cough*Brock*cough*), but I thought girls had cooties until the age of thirteen. Hell, I'm eighteen now and I still think that girls have some kind of weird disease that compels them to wear stupid, ugly, uncomfortable shoes (ohh, I am in so much trouble if Misty reads this…). But the point is, I did not even begin to "notice" girls until about my first year as a teenager (Brock? I think he hit on the nurse that delivered him).

            Why the hell do these authors think I would throw myself headfirst into a long-term relationship when I was ten friggin' years old?

            I guess it's just a plot device—albeit not one of the better ones. That's another thing about these "romance" fics—there are a set number of plot devices to choose from. Like, either Misty or I get deathly ill, and it forces us to realize our feelings for each other. It's been done really well a few times and really poorly about five hundred times.

            Another running theme is the "fight" scenario. It's actually very formulaic and is as follows: A) Misty/I say(s) something stupid/hurtful. B) Hurt person runs off. C) Guilty person finds hurt person. D) Hurt person explains why they are upset. E) Guilty party understands and offers a few words of comfort. F) We kiss. G) Small bit of humor to end the fic (optional). I guess you can plot out every story like that if you really try, but so many fics of this kind have been popping up lately that I just had to address it.

            Okay, I'm not gonna dis all romance fics; I love…okay, like to sit down and read a good fluffy fic about me and my temperamental girlfriend (okay, so I'm a sap. Sue me). But for every good fic out there, there's a hundred that make me cringe.

            The bottom line is this: I am never going to stop the influx of badfics constantly popping up on the web. In fact, I know that twenty years from now, the same fics types I've spent the last twenty minutes railing against will still be pouring in. Hopefully by then I'll be a multimillionaire with a mansion on the French Riviera and enough money not to give a shit about my mistreatment in fanfics.

            In spite of all my complaining, there really are some great fics out there—even in the categories I basically lambasted. Future authors shouldn't be discouraged by my comments; just think about them before you decide to stick me and my friends in some boring, made-up gym or write a fic in which I…*shudder*…sleep with my mother (yes, there is a fic where this happens. I stumbled across it and promptly threw up everything I'd eaten in the last three days).

            One last note: I wholeheartedly encourage future "Ash/Misty" lemons.

            Wholeheartedly. eg

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End A/N: Bring on the flames, baby! Here are some possible vicious names you may call me in your nasty reviews: a) hypocritical bitch; b) stupid slut who thinks she can write; c) Anysia. Be creative!