Characters' Lament

Summary: The characters of Pokemon rant about the generally awful condition of the fics in their fandom.

A/N: Woo-hoo! I got my very first flame for this story! Lets me know I'm doing my job. Seriously, though, merci beaucoup to everyone who reviewed; it really makes my day.

            Older personas continue. I dunno; I just don't find ten-year-old Ash & co. particularly interesting to write about.

Disclaimer: see chpt. 1



            I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a "girly-girl".

            I had really considered this common knowledge—at least until my curiosity got the best of me and I delved into the world of fanfiction. Let's just get this straight at the onset: if Ash and I got into a fight, and he insulted me or said that he wished I had never joined him on his journey, I would not run away crying. I would beat him to a bloody pulp. Most girls who pack mallets are not known for their sensitive sides.

            I'm not going to completely rip apart the romance genre like someone did in his little rant, mainly because I really enjoy waff and fluff. But please—no more gushy declarations of love from a still-pre-pubescent Ash; it makes me giggle. That boy did not have a romantic bone in his body, and as much as the idea dominated my fantasies "back in th' day", I was fully aware that the odds of Ash running up to me, telling me he loved me, and giving me a big, sloppy kiss on the lips were about nil.

            And am I the most hated character on Pokemon or something? I mean, it seems like every time I turn around, someone has posted a new fic in which I have a tortured past, am emotionally ravaged by something going on with Ash, or die. I want somebody to write a story where I do nothing but sit on a beach in Tahiti with a Speedo-clad Ash as my personal cabana boy. Mmm…

            The whole 'hated character' thing ties into my rant about Mary Sues, a.k.a. self-inserts. Sorry, Ash; you may have to deal with new trainer fics, but I have to deal with the ones that make me look like a total bitch. You know the type—some stunningly beautiful girl shows up and joins the group. Naturally, she's a great Pokemon trainer, and Ash is immediately wowed by her talents and proceeds to fall head over heels in love with her. I then give the girl a really hard time and come off as an incomprehensibly jealous raving lunatic. Ash yells at me, we fight, I leave, he and the girl admit they love each other and live happily ever after, yadda yadda yadda. If Ash ever did fall for another girl, I'd pretend to be happy for him, and then I'd spend the next five years resenting him and letting my hatred fester slowly.

            But contrary to another popular theme, I would not kill myself. I'm not letting my sisters touch one red cent of my inheritance.

            Why are Ash-centric angst fics in such short supply? I'm always the one who gets shot, dies in a car crash, or contracts a deadly disease. Let's have a fic where Ash gets cancer, or pneumonia, or chicken pox, for God's sake! I'm not actually wishing a debilitating disease upon my significant other, but I'm getting a little tired of always being the one who gets tortured in these fics. I think I've earned a Purple Heart at this point.

            Hey, I have an idea; go for realism and give Brock herpes. It's only a matter of time.

            While we're on the topic, I think I'll address the topic of lemon-scented fics (a.k.a. hentai), since Ash spent very little time on the issue, apart from his hormonal final sentence. Then again, Ash has always been a little uncomfortable about sex in general, if you can believe it; I mean, just the other night…okay, I'm going to stop now. *clears throat* I really have nothing against hentai, but I'm sorry, there is just no justification for Ash and myself having sex when we're ten years old. That's just past disgusting, people. Really, anything under sixteen—which is legal in Japan—is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

            Ash actually ignored one very rampant style of writing in his rant, and I'm very thankful because that means I can tear it apart.


            I like music. I like romantic music. But I don't like having the motions of my relationships put to music (for the record, if Ash and I did have a theme song, it would probably be "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better". Partly because it so wonderfully describes our mutual animosity in our early years, but also because Trish wrote a hilarious fic set to it. It's one of those rare songfics that doesn't suck.). Really, the only authors who seem to be able to do it well are veteran authors whose fics are wonderful beyond words and could write a fic to the tune of 'N Sync's "Space Cowboy" and not make it suck (rainflower, cultnirvana, and Brian are a few who come to mind…). You should avoid writing songfics at all costs if you are under the age of eight, own anything by O-Town, and/or are waiting anxiously for the 'N Sync reunion. I'll love you forever if you manage to hold back.

            I'm proud of myself; I managed to hold back from completely bashing all romance fics. That's because I love them to death, even some of the clichéd ones. A little soft moonlight, some whispered declarations of love…all tied together by a PG-13 sex scene. It's a formula that never fails (and completely reels in myself and probably the entire female population of the fanfiction world). Ah, l'amour

            I'm going to make a final plea to all prospective fanfic authors: please play nice. I don't really appreciate being known as the eternally-tortured character of Pokemon. Some writers have done a really good job with the angst, I must begrudgingly admit, and their fics are worth checking out. But with others, I just get the feeling that people think angst = drama = good fic, and that isn't necessarily the case. I'm still all for the beach in Tahiti, though.

            And in case anyone's wondering, I refuse to acknowledge any fic ever written starring me and a Tentacruel in an NC-17 environment. I don't even want to think about it.


A/N: As of press time, the flame to good review ratio for this story was 1 : 16. I have to say that I'm honestly surprised; I expected a great deal of criticism from indignant crapfic authors. Oh, well. Maybe this time around…

            My favorite character is, as you may be able to tell from this chapter, Misty. I just had to spend a bit of time on the "Misty-torture-fics" because they're so popular in the fandom. That 'Tahiti' idea is starting to sound very appealing; I might have to write a one-shot about that as soon as I break through the writer's block I'm experiencing with "To Arms!" and get that damned second chapter up…

Quick Note to Brian: Read "December". Absolutely loved it. Feel like a total ass for having written a fic so similar. Honestly, if you want me to take it down, I will.