I don't own pokemon. This story is stupid enough without me using my usual stupid legal paragraphs.
Author: The Gar'En
For those of you involved in the Dark Force continuous version of Missingo Insanity(yup, both of you), you'll probably see some familiar stuff here. A lot of what I wrote on that board was what I intended to be in this originally, and is thus here now.
My writing spectrum is divided into two parts(actually three, but I don't like to acknowledge the third): the Dark, and the Stupid. They used to be locked in an eternal struggle for supremacy, but now they've settled down and have a rough, alternating schedule over my brain. This is to be a jewel of my stupid collection, mind-numbing, ball-shrinking crap of the highest degree. Now, on with the show!
If you want to have an idea of what to expect, remember that whole thing with 'Gaph' at the end of one of my Ash to Ash, Dust to Dust installments? This comes from the same side of my mind.
Part 1: The Beginning of the Beginning of the End of the Beginning!
(screen shows a pleasant landscape of trees and a path)
Narrator's voice: "Our heroes, Ash, Misty, Brock, and Tracey had been traveling on their pokemon quest for some time, and were now…"
(sound of a door opening in the background)
The REAL Narrator's voice: "Hey, what are you doing in here! You're not the Narrator...you...you're an imposter!"
Fake Narrator's voice: "Ah ha! I see I have no need for this disguise anymore!" (morphing sound)
Narrator's voice: "Telkar! But...I killed you!"
Telkar's(fake narrator) voice: "Yes, thirty years ago tonight. You should have known that one such as I could not die so easily! Now, with the Black Moon rising and all twelve Stones of the Destroyer in place, nothing shall stop the plan our grandfather set into motion all those years ago! Not even you...brother!"
Narrator's voice: "We'll see about that!" (sounds of energy blasts, electricity, punching, stones shattering, and other violent combat noises as Telkar and the Narrator battle to the death. They are both ultimately destroyed, and in the absence of a narrator or evil twin of a narrator, I am forced to abandon the Script format)
As Telkar the Unholy was saying before his brother, Elkatar the Defender, arrived on the scene and both were destroyed in gruesome combat, our heroes were now approaching Cinnabar Island for the second time. They were not interested so much anymore in badges this time around, but more with resting, relaxing, and eating eggs. Ash and Misty played shuffleboard, and it was grand fun. Pikachu and the rest of the pokemon got hammered, and it was grand fun. Tracey seduced a waitress and they as well had grand fun. Brock woke up naked in a bathtub full of ice water with one kidney missing, and he had no fun at all.
Now, we reach a dilemma: something happens in the story when they reach Cinnabar, but I don't feel like writing it. No, not at all. So, suffice it to say that Ash and Misty, having left Brock and Tracey to do their own thing and leaving the pokemon in the hotel room, were walking on the beach in front of their hotel, found and caught a Missingo, a happy, smoky black cloud of chaos and confusion. And now, I will resume writing, at the point where Ash is on the beach, quietly reflecting on his good fortune.
"HOLY SHIT!" Ash screamed, converting his body's energy into noise and profanity.
"Ash, what was that thing?" Misty asked.
"Who cares! I caught it, and I don't know what it is, and its mine, and I caught it, and now the world shall kneel trembling before me!" Ash shouted.
"That may be true, but is it in the pokedex?" Misty asked.
Ash suddenly looked at the ball that contained the mystery thing. "Hmm, I never checked it with the pokedex."
"That's odd. You'd think that would be the first thing you did when you saw a strange new pokemon," Misty said. Fortunately, the situation corresponded with my lack of desire to write the previous section.
"Well, let's check it right now," Ash said as he released the black cloud of smoke with two floating eyes.
"Seeno!" it said happily. Ash took out his pokedex and pointed it at the strange thing. Immediately, he could tell something was wrong. Mainly because the pokedex started shaking, smoking, and making sounds like a peacock being castrated. Finally, it quieted down.
"What's wrong with the pokedex?" Misty asked, as surprised as Ash at the machine's response.
"I don't know," Ash said, tapping the machine on the side a few times. He turned it off for a second, then on again, and the red light came on like usual. "It seems alright now. Alright, Dexter, tell me what that pokemon is!" Ash commanded.
There was a brief pause. Then it spoke in a most unexpected way.
"AT LAST, I AM FREE!" the pokedex suddenly exclaimed. A pair of large demonic wings erupted out of the back of the small machine, and, wrenching free of Ash's grip, it flew off into the sunset, laughing maniacally.
"Um...right," Ash said, recalling Missingo. "Let's just ask the Professor to check this thing out."
"Right. First, let's go get Brock and Tracey..."
After a brisk walk through Cinnabar, Ash and Misty arrived right where they had left the two: The Happy Diglet, the premier strip club of Cinnabar Island. They expected to have trouble from the bouncers, but strangely, they had none. Seeing how much clothing Misty was wearing, one of the bouncers just said "You're late" and let them pass.
Brock and Tracey were inside, sitting at a table covered with a wide assortment of drinks, light and hard. The open, empty bottles showed their progression through the Land of Hangovers and Bad Decisions: They had started off easy enough, with a few Bud Lights, then they progressed to regular Budweisers. Then it was on to foreign labels, which got progressively more foreign as one went across the table. Then they got the really fancy, upper class beers that no one really knows how to pronounce. Then, after the last row of Xtstopkalotpkec, an incredibly foreign beer brewed by the savage inhabitants of an unnamed Pacific island, they left the world of beers altogether and moved on to wine and champagne, which quickly moved on to hard liquor, until finally they broke out the REALLY heavy stuff, like dish detergent and rubbing alcohol, eating eggs instead of pretzels. (note: so I'm not sued by anyone, I'd like to note that this would definitely kill you.)
It was like this that Ash and Misty found the two. Brock was finishing off a bottle of Clorox, while Tracey was pleasing himself with some Windex with a Rubber Cement chaser. As they approached the table, they saw that at least they hadn't been drinking all that just between the two of them. There were two other young men at the table, soused to the gills and putting their kidneys to the ultimate test. Right now, one of the two others, having wild brown hair and goggles, was talking.
"So then, we comes back from tha Digiworld, and lemme tell yas, there was all kinds a' crazy shit here, and like I says to my bitch the other day... " Tai was saying before the other kid interrupted in a slurred rage, pounding his bottle of Ammonia on the table.
"Ya know what I think? I think I don't give a fuck about you and your fuckin Digiworld and fuckin YOU!" Genki shouted. Tai was angered at this insolence.
"Wanna make a thing of it, fuck-up?!" Tai said in a brilliant comeback. Brock and Tracey applauded the skilled counter.
"Bring it on, bitch!" Genki shouted, grabbing a bottle of Xtstopkalotpkec and smashing it against the table. Tai did the same, and they lunged at each other for what looked to be a fierce fight.
Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your viewpoint, the two had suffered the effects of heavy drinking. As Tai took a step forward, he found that his legs had lost coordination and he quickly tripped over himself, crashing down on the table and sending empty liquor bottles to the floor. Genki, meanwhile, had forgotten about the table and crashed in a similar fashion.
"Heh heh...cool...heh heh..." A drunken Brock said.
"Brock? Tracey? What have you done to yourselves?" Misty asked, horrified.
Tracey's response was slurred to the point where no one could tell what he was saying, but they managed to pick out the words 'hammered' and 'shit'.
"Well, come one. You two need some black coffee and a good night's rest," Ash said.
Suddenly, a girl with auburn hair made her way to the table, trying her best to avoid the groping hands of the Happy Diglet's other happy customers.
"Hey, hands off! I don't work here!" Sora shouted as he reached the table. "Tai, there you are! I've been looking all over for you!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Tai said. "Can we fuck now?"
"WHAT!?!" Sora asked, taken aback. She grabbed Tai's drink off the table.
"Hmmm...rubbing alcohol...yeah, that explains some things," Sora reasoned. "Come on, you're going to bed."
"Cool! Should I get some latex, or are you on the pill?" Tai asked.
"I meant you're going to bed ALONE," Sora shouted, putting a stop to Tai's drunken, hormonal rampage. Grabbing Tai by the wrist and pulling him to his feet, Sora turned to Ash and Misty.
"Are any of those yours?" she asked, looking at the three remaining men at the table. Genki was yet to get himself off the table, and Brock and Tracey were halfway to total liver-kidney-bladder-gall bladder(whatever in hell THAT does)-intestine-brain-heart-testicle failure.
"Those two on the right," Misty said. "Is this your first time, or do you go into strip clubs to get your drunken friends often?"
"Oh, God, all the time," Sora said with a sigh. "At least with Tai, I never have to search the sleazy motels in the area too, unlike with SOME Digidestined I know."
"Heh heh... Matt, you dog," Tai chuckled.
"Well, if you're staying in the area, maybe we can do something as a group later," Ash suggested. Tai and Sora looked at each other.
"Sorry," Sora said. "This story is stupid, to be sure, but we don't want it to become one of those cheesy pokemon-digimon crossovers you see everywhere."
"Yeah," Tai agreed. "I don't know, though, maybe we'll pop up again in a few chapters."
"Same goes for me," Genki said before passing out.
"Oh...alright, see ya," Misty said, hoisting Tracey unto her shoulders. Ash did the same with Brock, and they dragged the drunkards out of the strip club.
They made their way back to the hotel as fast as they could, which wasn't fast at all considering that Ash and Misty were both burdened with one drunk man. Sweating and breathing heavily, Ash and Misty lurched over to the elevator and hit the button. They waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing happened.
"I'm sorry, sir, the elevators are out," the desk clerk said with a smile.
"What?! You mean we have to carry these two up to our room on the stairs?" Ash asked, horrified.
"Yes, sir," the clerk said, still smiling.
"But we're on the top floor, and...wait, you're enjoying this, aren't you?" Misty asked. The clerk nodded happily. With a sigh, Ash and Misty firmed up their grips on Brock and Tracey and began the long hike up the stairs.
As soon as they were out of sight and earshot, the clerk burst out laughing. Several other hotel employees who had been watching the whole thing from a back room came out, laughing hysterically.
"Oh, I never get tired of that one," the clerk said as he flipped a switch labeled 'Elevator' from 'Out of order' to 'Working'.
Meanwhile, Ash and Misty were stuck carrying Brock and Tracey all the way to their top floor room. This was made especially difficult, due to the fact that the hotel they were staying in had TEN BILLION FLOORS! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!(I vanish in an explosion of fire and lightning. A few minutes later, I return to writing the story). After what was needless to say a very long walk, Ash and Misty arrived at their room, number 253 x 1014. Ash took out his key and opened the door, and he and Misty were quick to lose their burdens(meaning Brock and Tracey, not their clothes), dropping the two on the rug near the entrance. Ash and Misty lurched off, exhausted, to the main bedroom.
And that concludes part one. Things not to expect in later chapters: any sort of plot, any sort of continuity, any sort of tasteful humor, or any sort of free pills. Sorry.