Charming Pharaoh




Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away and all that nonsense, there lived a handsome young prince that was charming... to some. Personally, I always found him a little too overeager, especially when it came to women in trouble or beautiful young men. Oft times, it was the latter that annoyed me the most, as it was unbecoming of a person at that day and age to be attracted to the same gender, not to mention a prince of such high stature. Not that I myself have much room to talk, but still...

Oh, forgive me; I'm being rude, aren't I? My name is Seto, son of the High Priest Akunadin, first cousin to his estranged highness, and high-priest-in-training. Or... at least I WAS training to replace my father as high priest, but as I mentioned before, his highness can't keep it in his pants. This young gentleman I have spoken so "kindly" of is Panseru, former prince of Upper Egypt and the man who was SUPPOSED to unite both Upper and Lower Egypt under one crown.

But he cannot keep it in his pants. I cannot stress this enough.

It all started on the day Panseru was to be wed. That's right, as in married; wars had raged for centuries between the Upper and Lower kingdoms, and it was felt that his highness' marriage to the Princess Nehiri of Lower Egypt would bring a lasting peace. Led by Pharaoh Akunamukanon and an entourage of guards and servants, we traveled south to the capital city of the Lower kingdom. I was in the company of the prince of course; though he got on my nerves more often than not, and was oft stubborn and spoiled to the point of being intolerable, I was still loyal to him. Don't tell him that, though.

Everything had been going so well. The people of Lower Egypt had welcomed us with open arms; even they were elated by the thought of peace finally coming to the kingdom. I kept a watchful eye on Panseru throughout it all, making sure he did not stare overly long at a pretty face. So far, none had captured his attention, but the scream did, and it sent him off like a rocket, right for the city's bell tower before I could blink.

I followed him as fast as I could; you try running through a crowded street in priest's robes as see how fast YOU can run. I just reached the tower when the bell started to ring. Yes, Panseru's taste IS in men, but he also takes it where he gets it.

The man cannot keep it in his pants.

I raced up the tower steps and banged on the door to the bell itself. I begged, pleaded, groveled, and IMPLORED with his highness to stop with his frolicking, but he couldn't hear me. And then the guards came and broke down the door, and my oh my did he stop REALLY quick; but the damage had already been done. We were arrested - yes, we; as in me, the prince, and the woman - and were dragged to the palace to be sentenced.

I never did find out what became of that woman; I imagine she was beheaded or tortured or something of the like. For us, well, we wouldn't be getting off so easily. The judges went through several options - castration, buried alive, and other such vile forms of torture - but it turned out to be the queen of the kingdom that decided our fate. She wasn't a native of Egypt, but from one of the southern countries - I believe you call it "England" now. It was she that decided a Frogging would be the best punishment for us.

Well, of course I had heard of a Frogging before. As a priest in training, I was expected to perform or at least be familiar with all sorts of spells and incantations. A Frogging was an exceptionally dodgy spell, and none of the Egyptian sorcerers I had read of or knew of had ever been able to perform it. I only knew of one successful casting, and it had been on some lowly tomb robber or something like that.

I'll always remember what I said to Panseru: "A Frogging is an old wives tale at best, your majesty, hardly worth taking seriously."

HA! What an idiot I was. Of course the sorcerer that would be performing the spell was not from Egypt, but from the queen's native country. Frogging spells were normally permanent, but the queen, blessed woman that she was, gave us a condition so that we would have a chance to escape eternity in such a lowly life form.

"Your condition shall not be permanent, for the kiss of a young maiden to the prince will allow you back to your human form until the noon bells ring on the day of the new moon. In that time, the prince must court and marry the maiden, for true love's kiss will break the spell. If not, then frogs you both shall be for all eternity."

And that was that; before I knew what was happening, everyone was suddenly ten times taller than I was. Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to look at your hands and see them webbed? Or better yet, croaking every time you talk!

If only it had ended there. Oh, if ONLY it had ended there! Frogs do not take kindly to the desert heat, not in the least. So, the sorcerer took us to his native England, and dropped us off in some pond or other. Now, not only did his royal highness-ness need to court a maiden, but also he had to learn how to speak the LANGUAGE. Thankfully, Panseru had always been a quick study, and it only took him a few years of watching peoples' mouths and reading discarded newspapers for him to learn his English. I only wish it hadn't taken me as long, but alas...

The years wore on, with Panseru working so hard trying to get a maiden to kiss him. Though, there was an occasion were he would go after a handsome gentlemen instead of a lady, after which I would have to thoroughly chew his ear out. It didn't seem to matter, though; it was looking like no one would help us in breaking the spell.